feel like i´m not capable of relationship in the future

[tomjon78]

I was thinking about the future and I just don´t feel so good about my expectations for future spouses and relationships with women.

I am now 35 years old. Divorced 2 years ago and then got involved with my ex BPD. I have two children 3 and 5 and love them and will do anything for them.

When i met my former BPD girlfriend in feb 2012 I thought I had found my future wife and everything was so perfect... . but of course not when I realized everything was totally not normal. The end of our relationship and recycles for the last few months have been tormenting.

I just wonder... . what does this do to you for the future. Now I have experienced so much high emotions and so much low emotions. At the same time never been so in love and yet so hurt in my life.

The sex was amazing but I know it was her weapon, her look at my as the "knight in shining armour" and all this "High" does things to your head.

Can a person who survives these kind of things ever find happiness again in another relationship... . I just find the scars to be so deep in my heart and I think it will take a long time for me to recover.

But I will stay focused on myself for a while. I don´t even find other women attractive or even have the will to engage in any contact at all

Any thoughts about these kind of feeling?

[Clearmind]

Tom, can you scale back the timeframe and remain in the present rather than thinking far ahead.

Remain present, process your current hurt and pain, seek answers within you that got you into this relationship. Once you do that you will be a healthier you. Healthy people choose healthy partners.

[southerngirl]

I understand how you feel. I don't feel like I can do a healthy relationship or even know what one looks like. I don't trust myself. I'm not interested in one - still working on getting out - but can't even fathom being in another one. Absolutely no interest. And it scares me.

[confetti]

I feel like you do once in a while, back and forth, anyway.

It may not be much but today I accidentally read something on forgiveness and views from people all over the world who talked about what that involves... . and this one guy said "Forgiveness means giving up hope on the past"

I think we are all scared of the future in a sense, but think about how randomly you met her, I'm sure at the time you didn't expect it. Maybe you should add optimism in that sense of letting go if how afraid you are is too difficult.

I need to take my own advice too, but you will not feel like this forever.

One person who can never leave you is you. The most important relationship is with the one within you, the only one that needs tending to right now. Before you know it, once its better and your new foundation and boundaries are stronger. It just takes being kind and giving time to yourself.

I hope this helps  Don't feel scared

[flynavy]

tomjohn78/southerngirl... . please do not let this experience with a BPD dictate your future... . I posted this under Is there true love out there... . there is some good comments and posts in that thread... .

By now many of you read my many posts regarding my ex BPD/NPD fiance.  It seemed like hell for 2 and 1/2 years... . but please be assured that there is true love out there... . I experienced it for 32 years.  You all will find it when you least expect... . like I did.  As I contemplate the last moments with my wife, I am still amazed at the perplexing beauty of being there for my wife, best friend, lover,mother of our children as she breathed her last breath.  The paradox of knowing she is leaving me yet I felt good knowing I helped the person I loved the most to get to a better place with no pain... . no cancer... . no anxiety... . no apprehension. I know this isn't the place for this type of post but you all should know that through all of the pain you are going through right now... . there are caring, selfless, loving people out there!  This should be more than enough stimulus for you all to move forward... . get to know who you are... . what you want and detach from your current toxic relationships!  You all deserve what I had for 32 years... . it will make all of what your going through right now seem so not worth the time we all give it!

So guyz... . NEVER give up!  The reward far exceeds the risk!

[dsmoody23]

I struggled with a lot of the same feelings early on. Honestly, it's still early on, relatively, but it's already started to get better.

I met a lovely girl, recently, and have been pleasantly surprised that it's developing into a normal adult relationship, with all of the excitement, hiccups, problems and joy inherent in that process.

I think the key to it, for me, was doing the same things someone suggested earlier. Worry about the present. Go slow. Take time to actively examine your behavior and what causes it.

On the other hand, do the same things you used to do romantically, that were ignored, dismissed or actively dismantled by your old partner. It's a wonderful feeling when you notice those actions can actually have positive outcomes for both people in a relationship.

I've reflected on this stuff, a lot.  I watch for the sort of low self-value behavior that I used to exhibit, and squash it when I find it. Sometimes, I'll notice an action or emotion similar to old patterns with my BPD ex that immediately puts me into fight or flight mode. But, stepping back, I can see those things as single instances and normal behaviors, not patterns that will lead me down that ___ty BPD road. Everyone can be momentarily selfish, or distant, or even angry. But not everyone has those negative behaviors tied to the disease we're all so familiar with.

All in all, you'll bounce back. Just give it time, and go slow when you get there.

[jonnyz]

Tom, can you scale back the timeframe and remain in the present rather than thinking far ahead.

Remain present, process your current hurt and pain, seek answers within you that got you into this relationship. Once you do that you will be a healthier you. Healthy people choose healthy partners.

Clearmind is right.   I know personal  that what clearmind said works.  I have not yet found another girlfriend, but I have made some wonderful women who are really good friends.   Just don't dive back into the High times with your BPD. cause that doesn't exist anymore and will not every again.   You will love again. There are better women out there.  Get out of Borderland it will only drive you crazy too. Good luck.   

[tomjon78]

Thank you all for your words.

I will not engage with her again emotionally. I have had enough. I just have to go through this pain and recovery time. My therapist said a few things in the last session:

-no contact is essential

-if threats are occurring try anyway no to respond

-there will be setbacks in you emotions, you will find feelings of emptiness and miss her, anger etc.

accept them and when distance is more it will fade away.

-getting out of this "rollercoster" is the ONLY priority right now!

-expect the unexpected from her behalf, but try not to think about what she will do or is doing.

-have routine in your life

I just sometimes get stuck in this "cage of thoughts" and it can be painful. But I guess it´s better to learn from this experience.

But also I have to accept even though she was BPD she was half kind and loving and it´s normal but also half destructive.

[flynavy]

tomjon78... . read up on "trauma bonds".  Just more information to try and make sense of the chaotic relationship you were just in... .

The most intense bonds are ones that involve intermittent abuse mixed with promises, hopes, kindness, and tenderness. The abuse creates the intensity; the tenderness allows the fantasy to flourish. Attachment is also intensified by the false feeling of intimacy that occurs when you are abused by someone you love—there is the “high” of the crisis, the euphoria of reconciliation, and the amnesia that follows. If the fantasy starts to unravel or wane, another crisis situation will occur to reinvigorate the fantasy, stories, and promises. After each cycle the trauma bond deepens.

 

[Sharkey167]

tomjohn78/southerngirl... . please do not let this experience with a BPD dictate your future... . I posted this under Is there true love out there... . there is some good comments and posts in that thread... .

By now many of you read my many posts regarding my ex BPD/NPD fiance.  It seemed like hell for 2 and 1/2 years... . but please be assured that there is true love out there... . I experienced it for 32 years.  You all will find it when you least expect... . like I did.  As I contemplate the last moments with my wife, I am still amazed at the perplexing beauty of being there for my wife, best friend, lover,mother of our children as she breathed her last breath.  The paradox of knowing she is leaving me yet I felt good knowing I helped the person I loved the most to get to a better place with no pain... . no cancer... . no anxiety... . no apprehension. I know this isn't the place for this type of post but you all should know that through all of the pain you are going through right now... . there are caring, selfless, loving people out there!  This should be more than enough stimulus for you all to move forward... . get to know who you are... . what you want and detach from your current toxic relationships!  You all deserve what I had for 32 years... . it will make all of what your going through right now seem so not worth the time we all give it!

So guyz... . NEVER give up!  The reward far exceeds the risk!

Your story makes me tear up. That is love.

[southerngirl]

flynavy - your story is amazing and beautiful.  It's hard to believe it's possible to have that kind of love but I can hope. Thank you so much for sharing and the encouragement.

[hk]

I have been really struggling with this lately. I am a year and a half out of a 10 year relationship/marriage with my BPDex. We have a 9 year old daughter together which has made it difficult to distance myself as much as I would like to (frankly, no contact would be awesome, but it isn't in the cards). I do my very best to keep boundaries and avoid phone conversations unless necessary (i don't know what i would do without text and email). However, my ex continues to try to pull me on the roller coaster ride with him and it's exhausting to always try and deflect the verbal abuse, which of course always comes when I least expect it.

Recently, I met someone that I really liked, but became so very scared to even think about potentially going anywhere with it given what I experienced in my marriage, and what I continue to deal with in my effort to co-parent with the ex. I am afraid that everyone I am attracted to will turn out to have a hidden personality disorder. I sincerely question my ability to make good choices after what I've been through.  Idealization is one heck of a powerful drug and I fear that I will seek that out again.

Soo I decided to come back to reading the message boards (clearly I need to be back) and I'm so glad to find this post upon my return. Was exactly what I needed. Thanks 

[Clearmind]

Actions speak louder than words - watch the actions.

Trust that you can identify red flags now.