question ? so want to say to dd

[somuchlove]

lots have been going on with my dd.  sorry I haven't been on here much.  I know so many of you have been going through so much and I haven't been much support.  My dd has moved from where she lived with bf.  and baby .   he has been doing drugs, etc.  not going into detail.  She has been here with us, then finding a place setting up a new life.  We have had some great talks.  When she is being "normal"  she  is wonderful and very in tune with things.  The crazy thing is BPD will rare it's horrible head as soon as things gets tense.  She has admitted that she doesn't deal with things very well.  I am sure she won't admit that she was hard to live with,  she sees herself as doing nothing wrong.  It is like she totally becomes someone else when she is angry and hateful.  The good dd is great, the bad dd is so troubled, not really able to see what she needs to work on.  The para noid part sets in.  She is really happy to be with family finally and her moving across the country seems to give her comfort and seeking our support.  I feel good to have her close, able to hug her and actually talk with out her hanging up.  My husband and I are hoping that this is an opportunity to help her get her life going as well as support her more than we could across the country.  Her sister is doing a lot to help her as well.  Hopefully our family will be able to go through this and end up with things being good. 

I continue to practice my not very well learned skills of [url=https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation]validation[/b][/url], etc but it is easy to get caught up in treating her as normal.  Ex.  tonight,  she said baby is crying, maybe i need to move out from apartment with sister, etc.  just her frustration of not being able to settle baby.  Then later I had text other dd, who she is with, thanks for the nice message.  my BPD dd text me saying.  I suppose you are texting sis about all I said,  Para noid setting in.  suddenly she sounded like the dd i have become so acoustom to.  I wanted to say,  now stop that,  don't go to that dark side. but didn't.  I just want to say,  let go of those feelings.  We are not talking about you.  Then my OLD , i want to fix it, wants to point out,  just get some help and learn how to stop jumping to conclusions.     

I want to know how we can all take this opportunity, to really get things going in a positive for our dd.  This might be a really good opportunity,  she is close, she is so thankful for our help,  but we need to be careful.  Any ideas. 

btw she actually hugged her dad, said thanks.  she has appologized a coupe times to me for putting up with her total out of control calls this week,  helped her get grounded.  I know this will take time.  I just don't want to screw this up.  However, I know she has to do it.  I am not going to do it.  I didn't think we would ever, ever have this chance to have her close again. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

somuchlove

You already sound like you are doing all the right things... . I am so happy your dd is away from bf and drugs. It all sounds promising and she is close by. I think setting those boundaries have to be first. Do you think your dd would go to a therapist with you so you can both learn to communicate better. We are seeing a family therapist and I hope my dd hears her and we can all have a forum to discuss our problems and struggles. Maybe your dd needs to be able to voice her feelings and identify them. My dd doesn't always know what emotion she is feeling... . is might be nervous but come across as angry.

I really think you are doing so much and it will take time... . hugs to you  

[heronbird]

One thing that might be helpful in certain circumstances is the mindfulness thing. Its about taking a step back so that you can deal with the situation in a better more regulated way. Dont do knee jerk reactions.

When we react too quickly like I do we cant think straight.

Dont know if thats helpful, how are things going now?

[somuchlove]

Knee jerk reactions,  You hit the nail on the head.  When I read that I thought,  How quickly she could go to the "dark place". Is what I have been saying.  And how quickly I went back to my old self of talking to much, not listening, etc.   

When we were having one of those good talks and we talked about how crazy she gets sometimes, can't seem to put things in perspective I said, does it feel like you are on the dark side,  refering to Darth Vader in star wars.  WE laughed about how quickly we seem to only see all the horrible and it consumes us.  Then she started talking about how scared she was, how she loved her kids, didn't want her kids to hate her, etc.  The next day she called me, and after a moment or two just fell apart, crying and that led to all the "dark side " thoughts.  I let her go on for a little bit, the said, stop.  You sound really scared.  Do want to go to the dark side, get all stressed over things that right now you can't control.  Then said,  tell me what things you have already done, and what is in your plan today.  It took a little while but she calmed down, was able to tell me what had already been accomplished and what she was planning.  I have a darth vader mask.  I want to give it to her and tell her everytime she gets to feeling like it, put it on, wear it for a moment then put it away.  or her sister can put it on to give her a sign of where she is heading.  I don't know that is screwy I know and may just cause her to exculate, too, especially if she feels we are validating that she is really feeling this way. 

I know it is important to let her know we see that these are her feelings and how worried she is over this big move and all that comes with it. 

[griz]

I simply adore the idea of the Darth Vadar mask.  What a fun reminder for her to be able to regroup and get into wise mind. Life can be so overwhelming for our dears.  Today DD called me in between classes.  She has one from 8am to 11:15 and one from 12:15- 2:15.  She is exhausted.  Not sleeping well, not eating very much, break up with bf was only 3 weeks ago, new friend is lovely buy suffers from PTSD (long story), just finished her full semester and had 4 days off before beginning summer session.  First she texted, I feel horrible. This quickly was going down hill with each text.  I can't do this. What's wrong with me, and so forth.  I suggested I take a early lunch hour and I picked her up.  We got a quick soda at the drive through and sat and talked.  She was just crying.  We were able to take a step back, look at the whole picture and in the end we decided that she really needed to go home an skip her second class.  She knows she is allowed two absenses. We talked about that there is only 3 weeks left of classes and using one absence today might be the best thing for her emotionally and physically. Although I made the suggestion I asked her, what she thought was best and she agreed.

Just being able to take things from spiraling out of control to more reasonable changed the whole demeanor of the conversation.  No arguing, I wasn't her adversary, I was her advocate.  I drove her home and told her to get some more rest and when I come home tonight we can sit down and figure out how to better structure her time so she does not get so overwhelmed and tired.  In the past I would have had a knee jerk reaction like, just get through the day, it's only two more hours or started preachin g that sometimes life is hard... . blah blha blah.  This works better.

Griz

[heronbird]

I also like what I read once

Living with someone with BPD is like living on a roller coaster but you dont always have to get on the rides, that helped me a lot.

Think I read it on here a long time ago, I like that.

[somuchlove]

Thank you both.  I think being able to talk it through when they aren't so many many miles away and can't really get away is better. My dd would just hang up.   Helping them talk it through probably helps them learn to process and figure out their issues. 

I like the roller coster .  so true.  something I need to remember.  It is crazy how just a few words from your BPD and you or at least I totally can become as panic or pick up on their anxiety as they.  that rushing feeling and sick feelings in your stomach... . Crazy.  If I try to talk calm, etc she feels I don't care or am throwing psycology at her. 

I find myself talking to much giving examples, etc.  Oh shut up I tell myself.  Just listen. validate.  She sure calls me on it if I do it to much.