He's been better at not raging but...

[Bloomer]

My husband is from a different country and had to take his driver's exam today in order to get a state license here. Last night he said he didn't know what time his appointment was at. He said he would call in the morning to find out. I had scheduled to work from home so that I could take him.

He sets the alarm in the morning to wake up. I work but he is not currently working. He set the alarm an hour later than usual, without telling me.  He called at 8AM and found out the appointment was at 9:45AM. This meant I had little time to get signed onto my work laptop and get ready to leave for the DMV.

I took out our dog and came back and felt rushed by the lack of time. When he told me I need to "calm down" I just said, "It would have been nice to know in advance what time the appointment was and to not have been woken up later than usual"

Well, he flipped... . He told me that I haven't helped with anything regarding his immigration process and that I make everything more difficult. That I shouldn't have said anything because he is nervous (though when asked if he was nervous last night, he said NO). I am a selfish person. And when I was nervous about an acting audition last week, he felt the need to tell me that I'm a negative person and he can't stand being around me.

He tried to cancel his appointment but I took his phone and told him he'd regret that. Then he said, well no rush now, I'm not going. And it's your fault. You ruin everything.

He then told me that I was "unprofessional" at my photoshoot last weekend and acted like an "entitled bhit" the whole time. I just let him rage at this point.

I got a shower and while I was drying my hair after he came into the bathroom and said he was going but it was for him not me. He's done "everything" for me to move here and with no help from me. Then he kept yelling at me that we had to leave right this minute. How I am so selfish.

He continued to be abusive and I continued to be silent. He passed his test, thankfully because it would have been my fault if he hadn't. And then once we got home he asked me for an apology. I said I was sorry for being irritable but that it was reasonable for me to want to know in advance what time his test was and to want woken up at the usual time or be given notice if he was changing the alarm time.

He told me he couldn't depend on me for anything and never to ask him for help again.

While I know that he will probably regret these things later, I'm not sure if I really care. I am a wonderful person. If he cared about this driver's test, he would have known what time it was. He didn't even bother to write the appointment time down anywhere! I left because I decided to work at work instead of at home. I have a huge audition tomorrow night and I think the only way I'll be able to rehearse tonight is to go elsewhere but that will probably upset him.

I'm seriously debating leaving but I know I'm very upset and taking everything he said personally. The thing is that even if he apologizes for the nasty things, he will still feel he had every right to be upset with me and that I was wrong to be irritated with him. Even though he definitely would be irritated if I didn't know when my test was  in advance. He has no ability to empathize and it's exhausting. I don't know if I have anything left.

He's been better at not raging but every time it happens I have to take Klonopin! That's what it does to me. I am so upset I can't focus on anything. What do I do? Do I just apologize even though I think he was wrong? Or do I just pack a bag and leave and let him deal with it?

I wanted to stay while he worked through therapy but I'm just so thin from the past nearly 2 years of this. It's hard to focus on my happiness when he takes over everything.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[connect]

Hello,

I am sorry that you are having a tough time. I haven't got long but just wanted to send you some hugs   

[tuum est61]

My husband is from a different country and had to take his driver's exam today in order to get a state license here. Last night he said he didn't know what time his appointment was at. He said he would call in the morning to find out. I had scheduled to work from home so that I could take him.

He sets the alarm in the morning to wake up. I work but he is not currently working. He set the alarm an hour later than usual, without telling me.  He called at 8AM and found out the appointment was at 9:45AM. This meant I had little time to get signed onto my work laptop and get ready to leave for the DMV.

I took out our dog and came back and felt rushed by the lack of time. When he told me I need to "calm down" I just said, "It would have been nice to know in advance what time the appointment was and to not have been woken up later than usual"

Well, he flipped... . He told me that I haven't helped with anything regarding his immigration process and that I make everything more difficult. That I shouldn't have said anything because he is nervous (though when asked if he was nervous last night, he said NO). I am a selfish person. And when I was nervous about an acting audition last week, he felt the need to tell me that I'm a negative person and he can't stand being around me.

He tried to cancel his appointment but I took his phone and told him he'd regret that. Then he said, well no rush now, I'm not going. And it's your fault. You ruin everything.

He then told me that I was "unprofessional" at my photoshoot last weekend and acted like an "entitled bhit" the whole time. I just let him rage at this point.

I got a shower and while I was drying my hair after he came into the bathroom and said he was going but it was for him not me. He's done "everything" for me to move here and with no help from me. Then he kept yelling at me that we had to leave right this minute. How I am so selfish.

He continued to be abusive and I continued to be silent. He passed his test, thankfully because it would have been my fault if he hadn't. And then once we got home he asked me for an apology. I said I was sorry for being irritable but that it was reasonable for me to want to know in advance what time his test was and to want woken up at the usual time or be given notice if he was changing the alarm time.

He told me he couldn't depend on me for anything and never to ask him for help again.

While I know that he will probably regret these things later, I'm not sure if I really care. I am a wonderful person. If he cared about this driver's test, he would have known what time it was. He didn't even bother to write the appointment time down anywhere! I left because I decided to work at work instead of at home. I have a huge audition tomorrow night and I think the only way I'll be able to rehearse tonight is to go elsewhere but that will probably upset him.

I'm seriously debating leaving but I know I'm very upset and taking everything he said personally. The thing is that even if he apologizes for the nasty things, he will still feel he had every right to be upset with me and that I was wrong to be irritated with him. Even though he definitely would be irritated if I didn't know when my test was  in advance. He has no ability to empathize and it's exhausting. I don't know if I have anything left.

He's been better at not raging but every time it happens I have to take Klonopin! That's what it does to me. I am so upset I can't focus on anything. What do I do? Do I just apologize even though I think he was wrong? Or do I just pack a bag and leave and let him deal with it?

I wanted to stay while he worked through therapy but I'm just so thin from the past nearly 2 years of this. It's hard to focus on my happiness when he takes over everything.

You are in a tough spot bloom.  I've bolded the places in your story where you could have made a different choice regarding your words or actions.  Its hard to do, but nothing will change without changes and the only person you can enforce change upon is yourself.  What alternative words or actions could you have done that are in fact a little more "selfish" regarding your own needs?

[Chosen]

Hi Bloomer,

I'm sorry you're going through this.

My H used to blame me for "ruining" everything too.  I think if this happens next time, you shouldn't take his phone.  If he wants to call and cancel, then let him.  There is a price to pay for every action we take, and I don't think it's entirely appropriate to tell him he'll regret it.  Yes, the fact is that he will, but at that moment he will find it invalidating.

In any case, we can't stop them from doing something they want to do.  If he is determined not to go and blame you for it, it will happen no matter he has his phone or not.

[Bloomer]

Tuum-

I'm not sure what else I could have done scheduling-wise. I suppose I could have still gone to work but it would have complicated the situation-and I try to avoid "complicating" things as that is a big trigger of his. I don't have enough vacation to have taken the day off.

I really shouldn't have said anything about not having enough time. It makes me feel like a simpleton that I don't just bite my tongue more. It's just so frustrating not being able to express any of my own concerns or irritations in situations when he freely express ALL of his ALL the time. I should have made sure I knew what time the appointment was because I know he isn't good at tracking things like that since it affected me. And I also should have made sure what time he was setting the alarm for so I could be up and ready to go even if I ran into issues logging onto my work network from home.

I should have let him cancel it. It was just so hard because I knew he would blame me even though he was the one who made that decision.

I should have validated his feelings when we got home even though I felt I had a right to express myself. I  should have calmed down enough to validate so it didn't worsen.

The other issue that arose with rehearsing was that, even though he kept saying getting his license wasn't a big deal, he expected a celebration afterwards. I told him I was working late and a friend took me for dinner to help support me because I was pretty shaken up. He texted me saying he was going to a bar to celebrate on his own. This was a big red flag bc rage + alcohol=no beuno. So my friend (who is also close with him) picked up some flowers and candy and "surprised" him at the bar. I figured I would be safe in public and with a friend. He was a bit receptive but then when friend left for the bathroom, I apologized and also said I didn't like the way he spoke to me and it wasn't ok. He felt that was invalidating and got upset. I ended up going home and letting them stay out.

I rehearsed for my audition. He came home and went to bed. I slept on the couch. The next morning we had a conversation that I realized I just wasn't going to get anywhere by trying to get him to admit he was verbally abusive. He said my only options were to admit I was wrong or end our relationship... . I apologized for upsetting him before his test agreed that I had plenty of time to get ready and it wasn't a big deal that I didn't get to log on to work because I could easily explain that to my boss since I am held in high regards there. That made him happy and yesterday was good after that.

This morning something came up and I used SET and really thought about what I was going to say and it went really well. Some things are easier than others though and he hadn't said anything abusive this morning so it was easier.

Chosen-

It is really hard not to stop them from making mistakes. They just can be so rash and it's terrifying the things he's threatened to do. When he disregulated he has no reason in his brain. I am working on letting him make his own mistakes though. It's just that  a lot of those mistakes affect me bc we're married. If he didn't get his license this week, he might not have been able to get to his new job on the 17th.

[sjm7411]

Hi Bloomer,

I'm sorry you're going through this.

My H used to blame me for "ruining" everything too.  I think if this happens next time, you shouldn't take his phone.  If he wants to call and cancel, then let him.  There is a price to pay for every action we take, and I don't think it's entirely appropriate to tell him he'll regret it.  Yes, the fact is that he will, but at that moment he will find it invalidating.

In any case, we can't stop them from doing something they want to do.  If he is determined not to go and blame you for it, it will happen no matter he has his phone or not.

I can relate... . my H's favorite word is "wreck".  I'm going to "wreck the night", I've "wrecked the weekend"... .

how on earth do you respond to that kind of statement?

[tuum est61]

Hi Bloomer,

Your answers show that you are very enmeshed with your husbands emotions and are showing a lot of codependent type behaviour in response to his feelings. 

I'm not sure what else I could have done scheduling-wise.

What you could have done is not participated in getting him to the driving test.  You are working.  I get why you would.  There's "consequences" for you if you don't.  He doesn't go, and maybe doesnt get the job and dumps on you.  Yes, those things can happen, but as I found with my W, as soon as I stopped doing "everthing" for her, she demonstrated her stated ability to look after things herself without my help and in fact looked after it herself.  It was the most amazing thing to observe how many things she declare she wouldnt do without my help, and then went and did them anyway.  I do many many things for my W because I love her more than anything, but I also deliberately "don't do" a lot of things for her as well.  I think she respects me far more now than when I followed her around - yes, leaving work as well - to meet her needs.

I really shouldnt have said anything about not having enough time.

No, you shouldn't have.  You should have your own alarm and got yourself up.  There's only one person allowed to express BPD traits in your relationship.  Go buy your own $10 alarm clock for your side of the bed or set the one on your phone if you have one

I should have let him cancel it.

Yes, you should have, or more accurately, you should have just let him own the threat to cancel it. For a little flourish, rather than take his phone, hand him one.   

I should have validated his feelings when we got home.

To some extent you did validate his feelings by saying you were sorry.  But by saying "but" you invalidated your apology and his feelings.  You weren't actually sorry since he changed the time on the alarm.  You then backpeddled even further by saying sorry after your rehearsal, saying it made him happy and yesterday was good after that.  But how do you feel?  I can't imagine very well.  As co-dependent "nons" we actually need to apologize less and validate more.  Acknowledge he was upset with your frustration about the amount of time you had to get ready that morning, but don't apologize for it! 

It's good to hear you used SET    What in fact did you say for Support, as Empathy, and what Truth did you relay? 

[Bloomer]

Tuum,

You're completely right. I am so enmeshed with his emotions and am struggling to get out of a codependency that became all-consuming.

How do I handle the consequences of these things better? If someone else takes him, then it becomes a major issue that I'm not supportive of him and recurring theme is that I'm not "there" for him when he needs me. He's very independent and doesn't ask me to do many things but he used the things he does for me as power. I actually don't like accepting his help on things but there are times when if I don't, that is an issue because he is "willing to help". Even though that willingness is linked to a later guilt-trip.

So the alarm clock thing comes from a previous fight. I am a heavy sleeper and often sleep through alarms so I set many. He found this to be inconsiderate and said he would rather just set his alarm and wake me up in the morning. If you have a better suggestion, I'm all ears. That one was a big doozy early in our moving in together. I'd be fine setting my own alarm but I can't really help that I sleep heavily. It is just part of my being.

I know I need to let him make mistakes. When those mistakes affect me as well, it's really hard to let him "pull the trigger". Him working is also a sensitive subject. We barely scrape by on my income and I can't wait for him to not just be sitting at the house all day. Getting his license was essential to that happening.

I did really well with my validation skills over the weekend. I am still definitely apologizing too much for stepping the wrong way on those damn eggshells. It's just so hard to stick to SET some times when there is NO SET the other way. It's infuriating. And when I need a timeout, he gets more upset. It's so unbelievably frustrating.

We went nearly a week without an actual argument. This morning it was because I don't make enough time for him. I have been reorganizing things in our tiny apartment because I like doing it and I like living in an organized place. He feels I never make time for him (which is an overstatement). He think my "me" time is at work... . He has all day to himself and he thinks I should do my me-things when he isn't home (he is always home). I handled it better but I definitely apologized again. This is just a lot of work.

[allibaba]

We went nearly a week without an actual argument. This morning it was because I don't make enough time for him. I have been reorganizing things in our tiny apartment because I like doing it and I like living in an organized place. He feels I never make time for him (which is an overstatement). He think my "me" time is at work... . He has all day to himself and he thinks I should do my me-things when he isn't home (he is always home). I handled it better but I definitely apologized again. This is just a lot of work.

Bloomer - just wanted to say how much I relate to your post... . the new country for your husband... . the driving test... . the worrying about him getting working... . the getting by on one salary and all you want in the world is for him to get out / get working and get his own life back... . the issue that he is home all day waiting for you and him viewing you working as your "me" time. 

Man oh man oh man... . can I relate. 

Just wanted to throw in... . I spent so much time trying to JADE when he expressed his feeling about me not making time for him.  I also spent A LOT of time apologizing.  The reality is that the fact that I had to be out of the house all day at work was not something to apologize for.  The fact that I am entitled to ME time even when he is home... . is not something to apologize for.  In this scenario I would probably try a simple statement like, "it must be really hard to be home all day waiting for me.  Its totally understandable that you want to spend time doing things together when I am home."  It validates his feelings without taking responsibility for things that are not yours to be responsible for!