Hit in the face again, but straightening my back

[VeryFree]

I probably should post this on the legal board, but for me it's more about detaching than a legal matter.

I filed for divorce some time ago. Today I recieved her plea.

She demands a lot!

First a lot of alimony.

Second a lot of money besides that (about $ 300,000). She claims that amount using falsified documents.

Reading it for the first time, I had a terrible feeling. I allready knew it could be this way, but I didn't expect it: I figured (1) she wouldn't dare to use the falsified documents and (2) it can't be she really wants to ruin me totally.

Even after six months out of the r/s, being on these boards for quite a bit, I still didn't really get to the base of her being.

Well, now I got there and it hit me like lightning. She really want my total destruction and she doesn't care how she does it. She even takes a huge risk by using those documents.

My first feelings: total devastation. Feeling very scared again of my future, but also feeling so bad, that somebody I loved that much can be so full of hate.

I read through the papers three times, walked up and down my house sixty times and then I kicked myself in the but: STOP IT, GO OUT. I decided to leave the house and went for a walk. During that walk the thruth revealed itself:

- Nothing has changed. Earlier she falsely accused you for DV and pulled charges, so she allready tried to ruin you.

- The threath of her trying to ruin you financially always was there, but now it's on the table. Okay:  let my L figure that one out.

- She is ill, very ill, always will be ill and therefore I should not feel bad because of her. Sorry maybe, but not bad.

- I'm healthy, learned valuable lessons about myself, have a few good friends and are EMOTIONALLY free.

When I arrived back at my doorstep I realised: untill today I was just a boy. Today I became a grown-up. 


Okay, this was the selfreflecting motivational speach. I really think this way, but I also know, that my mind is going to play tricks on me again. Start thinking, not sleeping, worrying and so on.

So: please fellow-boarders, talk to me... .    

[stop2think]

  firstly don't be 'veryscared' anymore... .

Sorry for your troubles, I really feel for you. 

It hurts unbearably when the person we loved or who claimed to us do things so callous in nature. It sucks I know... . they just want to see us in misery and pain. Ugly stuff.

But at times like this if you still have your got your thoughts right, kudos to you... . keep it up!

As the truth has unravelled for you, you already know whay needs to be done legally and emotionally to protect yourself. Just focus on getting out of this safely yet quickly. Stay strong.

You can get through this... . !

Good luck,

S2T

[VeryFree]

Thanks stop2think

This night, just a working day, I chose to fill myself up with alcohol. Not the right thing to do, but I just felt like doing it.

I just decided to put the alarmclock tomorrow a few ours later, but will go to work.

Meanwhile I've sent some interesting mails regarding my future (just small things, but thanks to the alcohol I did it and am glad about it; ofcourse I didn't contact my x, mutual friends or something like that).

[stop2think]

In control is great! Cheers VS!

[VeryFree]

Thanks. 

[laelle]

Hey VeryScared,

It sounds like your doing a bit of hurting right now eh?  While our stories arent exactly the same, I wanted to offer up my love and support.

I cant imagine the pain you must be going through.  My ex broke my heart and then I ceased to exist to him.  I understand well the pain of emotional loss.

I know a few drinks can ease the pain, trust me... . I love my cherry beer   but keep in mind that its an escape and that it cant actually solve any problems.

That takes your fantastic brain to handle.     

I wish you a good day as it is night for me here in France.  


 Laelle

[schwing]

Hi Veryscared,

Reading it for the first time, I had a terrible feeling. I allready knew it could be this way, but I didn't expect it: I figured (1) she wouldn't dare to use the falsified documents and (2) it can't be she really wants to ruin me totally.

Even after six months out of the r/s, being on these boards for quite a bit, I still didn't really get to the base of her being.

People with BPD (pwBPD) have a disordered fear of abandonment.  In their mind, they may even perceive divorce (even if they initiate it) as abandonment.  Also, pwBPD can act impulsively because they cannot regulate their own emotions.  It is reasonable to assume that when she made her plea, she was pretty pissed at you for "abandoning" her; so of course she's going to try to ruin you.  She's going to inflict as much pain upon you as she feels herself (and as she imagines you have inflicted upon her).

And she will act impulsively, and make bad decisions, such as by falsifying documents (which I assume can be proved to be false).

Keep in mind though, she could just as easily reverse gears and plead that you don't "abandon" her.  Thus inadvertently bait-and-switch: face ruin or take me back.  :)on't fall for it.  She can just as easily reverse-reverse gears and continue in her endeavor to ruin you (see "distortion campaign".

My first feelings: total devastation. Feeling very scared again of my future, but also feeling so bad, that somebody I loved that much can be so full of hate.

That hate has nearly nothing to do with you.  It is the aftermath of an abandonment trauma she has yet to come to terms with, the "cause" of her BPD.

- Nothing has changed. Earlier she falsely accused you for DV and pulled charges, so she allready tried to ruin you.

- The threath of her trying to ruin you financially always was there, but now it's on the table. Okay:  let my L figure that one out.

- She is ill, very ill, always will be ill and therefore I should not feel bad because of her. Sorry maybe, but not bad.

- I'm healthy, learned valuable lessons about myself, have a few good friends and are EMOTIONALLY free.

When I arrived back at my doorstep I realised: untill today I was just a boy. Today I became a grown-up.  

When this is over, then the source of all your conflict and pain will no longer live under your roof.  Granted you will still need to grieve over all that has cost you (and continue to cost you until it is done).  But at least there is a point when it is over.

Be wary though, unless your stbexBPD has another dance partner to distract her, she may drag this out for as long as possible (in order to avoid "abandonment".

Best wishes, Schwing

[nolisan]

WTG - keep up the good work!

These r/s's, as painful as they are, have benefits. Looking at our own stuff and growing upward.

[nolisan]

When I read the forum posts where marriage is involved I bough my head in gratitude that I did not fall into this trap. It was painful enough!

[VeryFree]

Thanks for your kind words laelle!

After a short night I remember why a few drinks don't solve anything. I guess I will be reminded the rest of the day 

[VeryFree]

Thanks Schwing. Good to see the thruth in writing again.

I know the theory, I've been reading a lot, but still I can't understand how a human being can behave like this.

I know I shouldn't try to understand it, and accept it as a fact, but still... .

I also know it hardly is about me, but still the actions are pointed at me. Her hate for herself or/and her parents is unleashed against me. When things go wrong in court I’m the one that’s ruined. Not she, not her neglecting parents, are going to bleed, but yours truly. That’s a very frightening image of the future.

I understand I shouldn’t be to upset right now and just prepare myself for the best for the legal battle. 

[VeryFree]

The day after.

Don't feel very good about it all.

Of course the usual thoughts are here: she's ill, we'll see about it and so on.

But there's a nagging feeling: scared of the future and a very big feeling of injustice. Can't help it... .

:'(