Lost - Am I ready to cut off?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My dad is undiagnosed BPD, claims to be have not been diagnosed bi-polar. He has done an outpatient treatment program, cuts (he's not aware that I know this), and has threatened suicide to many people in his life. We have had an on again, off again relationship in my adulthood after being very close when I was a child. Not to bore with too much background, but we attempted therapy last year while I was pregnant but stopped our sessions while I had a newborn. My dad has had my husband's wedding ring to repair it since November 2011 so while it might seem petty, I'm afraid to cut him off. It has been promised to me 20+ times.

Fast forward to today. I received a call from my dad's ex-girlfriend/business partner warning me that I should remove all pictures of me drinking alcohol from Facebook as she feared my dad wanted to call child protective services on me for breastfeeding and drinking. Neither of my dad's wives have breastfed, nor did his mother, so I imagine his knowledge of the process is very limited. I've been very careful the few times I've had some drinks to include throwing out the milk or waiting the prescribed time period. I do not put my child in danger and the pictures posted are of events (sister's wedding) and are not pictures of me drinking daily sitting on the couch.

Hearing someone else call my dad "psycho" really reinforced my feeling that he should not be in my family's life. My husband hates him and I would never leave my child with him alone. I feel we are better off without him, but of course I have guilt. AND I want my husband's damn wedding ring.

How do you know when you are done? How do you reconcile that your family member will have no one else who cares about them? It makes me sick to think about giving up on him, but when I hear the truth about how he treats other people and I see through the fake persona her puts on for me I realize I do not want that person in my life.

How do you get closure if you do decide to cut off? I feel like I'd need to explain it to him so he knows. I realize the chance of him getting help or changing are slim so I wouldn't have that expectation. He always says "I'm trying to change" but then doesn't actually make any changes.

[CarolinaGirl]

My dad is undiagnosed BPD, claims to be have not been diagnosed bi-polar. He has done an outpatient treatment program, cuts (he's not aware that I know this), and has threatened suicide to many people in his life. We have had an on again, off again relationship in my adulthood after being very close when I was a child. Not to bore with too much background, but we attempted therapy last year while I was pregnant but stopped our sessions while I had a newborn. My dad has had my husband's wedding ring to repair it since November 2011 so while it might seem petty, I'm afraid to cut him off. It has been promised to me 20+ times.

Fast forward to today. I received a call from my dad's ex-girlfriend/business partner warning me that I should remove all pictures of me drinking alcohol from Facebook as she feared my dad wanted to call child protective services on me for breastfeeding and drinking. Neither of my dad's wives have breastfed, nor did his mother, so I imagine his knowledge of the process is very limited. I've been very careful the few times I've had some drinks to include throwing out the milk or waiting the prescribed time period. I do not put my child in danger and the pictures posted are of events (sister's wedding) and are not pictures of me drinking daily sitting on the couch.

Hearing someone else call my dad "psycho" really reinforced my feeling that he should not be in my family's life. My husband hates him and I would never leave my child with him alone. I feel we are better off without him, but of course I have guilt. AND I want my husband's damn wedding ring.

How do you know when you are done? How do you reconcile that your family member will have no one else who cares about them? It makes me sick to think about giving up on him, but when I hear the truth about how he treats other people and I see through the fake persona her puts on for me I realize I do not want that person in my life.

How do you get closure if you do decide to cut off? I feel like I'd need to explain it to him so he knows. I realize the chance of him getting help or changing are slim so I wouldn't have that expectation. He always says "I'm trying to change" but then doesn't actually make any changes.

[GeekyGirl]

Hey CarolinaGirl,

I think a lot of us have been at the point where we've just had *enough* of our parents' behavior and want to just get away from it. It's very stressful, and I can imagine that you feel like you're under even more pressure after the phone call from your dad's ex.

There's nothing wrong with taking a therapeutic time out if that's something you feel that you need to do. From your dad's history, it's unlikely that he will change, which unfortunately puts the burden on you to decide how you want to react to his behavior.

You sound like a very responsible mother, and I'm sure getting the call from your father's ex had to have been very alarming. It's probably a good idea to take a look at your privacy settings on FB, especially if you're concerned about what your father may do if he sees your profile.

How do you know when you are done? How do you reconcile that your family member will have no one else who cares about them? It makes me sick to think about giving up on him, but when I hear the truth about how he treats other people and I see through the fake persona her puts on for me I realize I do not want that person in my life.

We all have limits and boundaries, and it's really healthy to respect others' limits and uphold our own. Once you feel like you've exhausted all of your resources and need that time away, you'll know. Remember that you don't have to leave forever... . which is why I look at No Contact as more of a therapeutic time-out rather than an end to the relationship entirely. Some people need longer than others, and for some decide that ending the relationship is the only way they can find peace. It's very personal.

How do you get closure if you do decide to cut off? I feel like I'd need to explain it to him so he knows. I realize the chance of him getting help or changing are slim so I wouldn't have that expectation. He always says "I'm trying to change" but then doesn't actually make any changes.

You don't get closure--that's what I'll call the "dirty little secret" of No Contact. Some people find that they think about their disordered parents more while they're estranged. That was the case with me--now that I have controlled contact with my parents, I don't think about them as often as I did while I didn't have contact with them.

How has your father reacted when you've asked for your husband's wedding ring back? Is it possible that he doesn't have it anymore or has a reason to hold on to it?

Have you considered therapy for yourself to help you process what's going on? That's been really helpful for me.

Keep us posted! You'll find that many of us can relate to what you're going through. 

[CarolinaGirl]

Thank you so much for your response. It makes me feel so much better just knowing I'm not alone in my situation.

Every time we speak about the ring, including during therapy, he promises it will be ready next week, or it's in the mail... . every excuse in the book. I very recently asked him point blank if he sold it for the gold because he needs money (always). He said he didn't but I hoped me thinking that of him would have motivated him. I feel pretty confident I'll never see the original ring again. My fault for giving it to him, but I thought family ties would prove stronger than his business deals.

I do think I will look at individual therapy for managing the guilt. I also agree that the times he's been in my life I've thought of him a little less often than when we're estranged. Again, thanks so much for the response. It means more to me than you know!

[GeekyGirl]

That has to be frustrating. I'd want the original wedding band back too, for sentimental reasons if nothing else. If, as you suspect, your father has somehow lost/misplaced the ring for some reason, is there something you could do to make a replacement ring special? Renew your vows? I don't blame you for being angry about this, but maybe there's a way that you and your DH can do something special to help you move on.

I can't say enough about therapy and how it can really help. You may need to shop around to find a therapist that you feel comfortable with, but once you do, you'll be able to really dive into this. You might also want to look at the Survivor's Guide to the right of this page ---> as that's a good "road map" to healing. I've found that it very accurately explains where I've been emotionally and gives me a glimpse into what could/will be.

[skinny13]

Hi CarolinaGirl,

Hearing someone else call my dad "psycho" really reinforced my feeling that he should not be in my family's life. My husband hates him and I would never leave my child with him alone. I feel we are better off without him, but of course I have guilt. AND I want my husband's damn wedding ring.

I'm sorry you're going through this stress with your father. You're definitely not alone. I understand that you want your husband's wedding ring back; that would drive me crazy too. Could your husband go to your father in person to ask him to give it to him? Maybe ask him at his home, so he can't promise he'll get it at a later date?

If that would not be a good idea because it could turn into a confrontation, I think GeekyGirl's suggestion of planning a special event around getting a replacement ring is an awesome one.

I recently decided to go No Contact, but I think GeekyGirl is right that this isn't necessarily a forever thing. It is very personal and you may feel differently in the future. For now, it sounds like not interacting with your father would remove some stresses from your life, so it might be a good idea to do a trial period of No Contact and see how you feel about it.

How do you get closure if you do decide to cut off? I feel like I'd need to explain it to him so he knows. I realize the chance of him getting help or changing are slim so I wouldn't have that expectation. He always says "I'm trying to change" but then doesn't actually make any changes.

I think closure might come a long time after you cut it off. Or maybe it never truly comes, but we sort of give ourselves closure when we refuse to sign up for more stress and pain. As far as explaining it to him, he will probably never really understand (because BPDs, as we all know, don't usually take responsibility for their role in destroying relationships). But if explaining it to him is important to you in terms of expressing yourself (and you don't have any expectations around how he will take it), then it's probably a good idea to write it out in an email or letter or try to have a conversation with him. 

Good luck!

[Cordelia]

These were exactly the kinds of issues that bothered me the most right before I went NC with my mom too - what things of mine did she have, was she truthful about not having them or not knowing where they are?  It's almost like a divorce I guess.  You want to leave with as much of what's yours as you can.  It's a hard place to be, but it definitely sounds like you're serious about detaching yourself. 

I think this is a really good point:

You don't get closure--that's what I'll call the "dirty little secret" of No Contact.

As well as skinny13's addition that the closure we get is that that we give ourselves.  I have personally found that peace, if not exactly closure, has come bit by bit since going NC.  After stopping contact, I felt safe enough in the integrity of my own life, to see my mom a little more for who she was in herself, apart from my needs and disappointments, and to find some compassion for her and acceptance of who she is.  Being NC, finding that compassion didn't threaten me, since I knew it wouldn't lead me into unwise engagement with her, and it was very healing to feel that way.  I don't know if it's closure - certainly my mom is still the same person she was, I doubt I'll ever get any real understanding or empathy from her - but I really don't care anymore, my focus is on my own healing and understanding of the situation, and both of those continue to grow and evolve with time.  For me it was trying to get my mom to accept responsibility as a mother that was so painful.  Stopping that effort meant I could shift the focus to my own personal growth, which has been much more rewarding. 

[hopeforhealing]

I have personally found that peace, if not exactly closure, has come bit by bit since going NC.  After stopping contact, I felt safe enough in the integrity of my own life, to see my mom a little more for who she was in herself, apart from my needs and disappointments, and to find some compassion for her and acceptance of who she is.  Being NC, finding that compassion didn't threaten me, since I knew it wouldn't lead me into unwise engagement with her, and it was very healing to feel that way.  I don't know if it's closure - certainly my mom is still the same person she was, I doubt I'll ever get any real understanding or empathy from her - but I really don't care anymore, my focus is on my own healing and understanding of the situation, and both of those continue to grow and evolve with time.  For me it was trying to get my mom to accept responsibility as a mother that was so painful.  Stopping that effort meant I could shift the focus to my own personal growth, which has been much more rewarding. 

Very well said Cordelia.  Thank you.

[CarolinaGirl]

Thanks everyone! I really appreciate the responses. Oddly enough I have thought about doing a vow renewal on an upcoming vacation to rededicate another ring. We're approaching 6 years so it's a little early otherwise, but even just something intimate between the two of us at sunset might do the trick. The ring has really caused a huge wedge between my dad and husband and I'm just ready to be done with it. I think I was holding on to it as a tangible way for my dad to do right by me for once.

I will look into therapy and the other referenced resources. Glad to be a part of this community!