I dont think I have an alternative other then to go for divorce

[sibble]

I am so confused my husband split me its been about 6 weeks now , 2 weeks after our daughter and son in law moved in with us due to buying a house around the corner from us , the house needs done out but what seems to be happening is they are allowing my husband to go around and he seems to be around every night at hers but if I go around my daughter is so horrible to me I just end up coming away

I dont get it I was only offering my help and I am the one that seems not welcome even though we both lent her the money for this ppty I am sure it has something to do with the way he has primed her , he has destroyed some of my clothing , he has turned the boiler off on me so I had no hot water, he has disabled the televison in my room so I cant watch sky ,

I worry that BPD runs in families and I am thinking maybe my daughters hostly towards me is because she has BPD trates  and it pains me to say this about my own daughter .

He is culling me from the heard cutting all my family from me by causing bad feeling and hostility around me for no reason because the boarderline (husband) feels a mood swing coming on or he thinks that I have slighted him or I think he knows that I know that he is so f***ked up that  he now cant stand me to be in the same house.

My daughter and son and husband were all around the house helping her and when I came around to offer my services like scraping walls she said blunt no , so I ended up leaving them in all in her house  and came back around our house in tears. She obviously seemed to me wanted her BPD farther who had left me `(split me) .

He claimed 3000.00 for flood damage in 2010 and placed it into his own bank and kept it , he claimed for more flood damage april 2013 for 700.00 and kept that for him self also the kids think I am the greedy one, he has admitted to another person stating he has had 2 affairs then someone at work thought we were finished as they said to me they saw him holding hands with another woman.

Why are the kids not listening to me, Its me who has been wronged but no one seems to be listening. I don't understand . why are my children not listening why?

Its like I am going out of my mind here ,,why would he admit to having 2 affairs to a person I was very close too I just dont understand that he would know that she would tell me and she did , what was his reasoning behind that.

At the moment if he does not divorce me and stays in the house he stands to keep all his personal savings and not share , he stands to keep either his redundancy money and does not have to share , he stands to have a car thats paid for but does not give me access, thats why he is not going for a divorce whilst all the time playing the nice guy and he has done all this to me and all the family think its me thats the nutter.

I asked him about the comment he made to a friend when he said he had already had two affairs , I said why would you say that if you wanted the marriage , all he could say was well your getting a divorce you told me you were ,

In our ppty my daughter is siding with his crazy things he is saying about me if he complains about the heating then she states the heating is too high, its like they are communicating via telepathy the words she uses to cut me down eath time I try to defend myself are words he has used its as if she is speaking his words , I am going out of my mind trying to fight them both , I am very worried my daugher has the same trates as him as they seem to be singing off the same song sheet, so he does the drugs , he steels , he commits adultery , and there all giving me the silent treatment as if I am the crazy one and ``i am not.

Our daughter is the gateway to our two sons , and if she is stating it is me ours sons will also beleive them and its not true what he is doing and she is backing him up but his issues dont seem to be based in reallity its hard to explain. So I go around to her new house they are all there scraping walls etc my husband , son in law , my daugher and I go around to help and she picks a fight with me and she is very hostile to me so I try and keep it cool and say I am only here to help but she ends up saying in front of my husband if you dont stop stressing me out I will ban you from the house, and the husband is just saying nothing , just watching the show. I cant beleive they would all treat me like this ,

The only thing I have recognised is i will not put up with the abuse from the husband and when I put my foot down its like all the family have turned there back on me . I get the impression because I could not stand being split anymore and I said to the husband he will not be allowed back in the bedroom that I think he thinks he will turn all the family against me

Please help I am now desparate as my husband is now goading me to get a divorce ps sorry for the spelling as quite new to this and not sure how to spell check just yet    

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[tryingtogetit]

Dear Sibble,

Words can't do justice to what you're going through.

Can only say I feel so sorry to hear about the situation you're in!

Please hang in there!

As for advice, my two cents is that he seems to be on such a powertrip. And he might be playing games to set himself up well for a possible divorce.

Some BPD or Narcisists consciously try to play people and it might make them feel in control.

But I'd suggest not to dwell on what his reasons might be, he might not even have any consistent reasons instead he might just be doing whatever feels good to him on a moment.

The only thing you have control over is yourself. If you can focus on keeping yourself together, being the better person, being fair and without malice you will start to feel better about yourself. This in turn will show and make others respect you and therefor less likely to fall for his charm offensives.

Step back for a moment, forget about him and the family and focus on what will make you feel better about yourself. Only engage when you feel strong and balanced and come over that way no matter what they throw at you.

His method is to break your selfrespect so he can control you. This is because he's afraid. If he can get you in tears or angry or desperate he feels in control.

But if you can calmly stand up, set boundaries you can start regaining ground and your family.

It will be a very hard journey for you no matter. Best of luck and lots of strength.

[sibble]

thank you tryingtogetit

I am so grateful for your kind and thoughtful words its like my daughter moved in one day and he moved out of the bedroom the next , he did try to come back but I am done bar the shouting as they say for years now this splitting has been going on , but my question is this and I still don't really know what this means when you say lay boundaries  what does this acutely means . I sort of know but at the same time don't so if you could explain a bit more about boundaries they who know. I have 3 children they all have partners and they have between each of them a car each now me and my husband only had one and he would pick and choose when to share with me , he always used it as a weapon. he then decided to take his wages so I had to take mine and the next thing will be he will ask me to pay some of the bills and if I dont pay up he in the past has threatened to cut the gas and electric . but if you can could you explain boundaries and how to lay them

thanks Sibble

[Grey Kitty]

sibble,

We have a great workshop here on boundaries, how to set them and why:

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

And a second one which is more examples of boundaries people have or intend to try and comments/critiques of them:

BOUNDARIES: Case studies

Enforcing boundaries is a great way to stop behavior targeted at you. Verbal abuse is one area where they work very well.

Other things work with other solutions. You might try using boundaries to get your share of the car.

Or you might look for other solutions like buying your own car, or finding other ways to get around. Bicycles are very cheap, but don't have the range and speed of cars... . and aren't pleasant in all weather and all roads.

Can you pick a specific problem you are having with your husband that you would like help for?

 GK

[sibble]

Thank you grey kitty

Can I ask if my BPD trys to sabotage the relationship why? Another issue we don't communicate now and on separate bedrooms and thousands of emails and texts later but they all seem to blame me for finances but it was him that I caught theifing 3,000.00 claiming on insurance money and placing it in his bank so that seems to me like a projection , another worry in one of the emails he outlines my spends again incorporating lavish spreadsheets stating what I have doesn't and what he has but the disturbing factor in may this year I was told by a girl I work with that she saw him holding hands with another woman and in an email in may this year he outlines my spending then his and it is quite an extensive mail with a spreadsheet attached he goes on to say how I have spent x amount of pounds then he outlines his spends but he mentioned in brackets that his spend included a mini flight back , back from where , which mini flight my blood ran cold is this true so the sanareo is he was seen last year holding hands with someone , then he stated to a close friend he had two affairs then he claims as part if his spends that part of it was used on a mini flight could all of the infadelity be true , there is no way you would be able to check the passenger flight lists out if the city I am in as they won't allow this . I know BPD are given to having affairs but I am so dumbfounded , he has just applied for his job in this current climber and he has been successful this means he will have protected salary he is pressing me to either seek a divorce or reconcile would this be because she might be waiting in the wing and if I say I want a divorce that he would have a replacement and a job to buy me out of the ppty as well its all making horrible sence to me . He had possibly taken a mini flight possibly with this other woman and my kids know of this latest accusation where he has been implecated but they don't beleive me as they are going about bad if he has done no wrong please help

[Grey Kitty]

Why does a pwBPD try to sabotage a relationship?

That's a tough question for me to answer directly, because I really don't think that sabotage is their intention. I do believe that they succeed in sabotaging a relationship, so I'll take a stab at how.

A person with BPD usually has both a fear of intimacy and a fear of abandonment. A big problem is that most things that will ease one of those will make the other one worse. They may try to balance on the razor's edge between the two, but often cycle wildly between one and the other.

BPD Behaviors: Fear of intimacy

Is a fear of intimacy part of BPD? Fear of abandonment is so intense in pwBPD that they often can't bear to get too emotionally close because that would make the pain even more intense if they were abandoned. Read more.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79300

There are a bunch of other coping mechanisms that they often use which are really hard for us to deal with, like projection, where you maybe accused for no reason of doing what he's feeling guilty about doing himself.

Also the black and white thinking means that you are either all good or all bad, and get treated appropriately. From their point of view when you are painted black (I believe they really DO feel that you are as awful as they say at those times), you do deserve all the things they are doing to you.

Does this help answer your question?

... .

You mention the mini-flight, which points to a possible affair, plus two earlier ones. Can you tell us about the timescale there? When did he have the other two affairs, and when was this mini-flight?

[sibble]

Hi Greykitty

Thanks for your reply projection for such a long time this has been about money that he states that I am spending out of a joint account , but I am like any other normal person who will take money out of the bank . But he does not lime me having the freedom to do this he has to be in control

In answer to your question about the affairs . I don't understand when he had sent me a text re the finances I spend against what he spends and it was such a long mail with a spreadsheet attached  there was a sentence that had open and closed brackets which said about his spends like this ( and that included a mini flight back) he was off work for a week in may last month and he was explainging about mays  finances  so I can only presume that took place in May . I don't know if he had got so carried away with his rant or it was placed in to make me suspect or think . The other two affairs he talked about is he admitted to a close family member that he had two affairs that did not work ou and that he did not feel comfortable with but he must of known that this family member would tell me

Could he just be bating me , or how do i beleive anything he states and all this time he is playing the family man and dad with the kids the have not got a clue that he is saying this stuff behind the sceans . The kids are at a stage where if I go to them with stuff they don't want to know they say that's between you and dad but they seem to absorb what he is saying about me . Confused  . Look forward to your reply

Thanks sibble will try to keep post shorter in future

[Grey Kitty]

sibble, you do sound confused and frazzled.

Part of what is confusing you so much is trying to make sense out of what he's doing as if he was acting rationally the way you or I would.

A person with BPD's mind isn't completely unpredictable... . it just doesn't work the way yours does. Accepting this will help you--Trying to put a square peg (normal motivations like you would have) into a round hole (his actions) is just crazy-making.

... . this has been about money that he states that I am spending out of a joint account , but I am like any other normal person who will take money out of the bank . But he does not lime me having the freedom to do this he has to be in control

You hit on something important here--he does want to be in control of you (he may not be at all self-aware about this, but his actions prove it). And he is working hard to get that / keep that.

But he can't control you without your permission and compliance. It is hard to accept what you have been letting him get away with sometimes, but that is the first step toward changing it.

I think you can see that this isn't good for you. It isn't good for your husband either. (He won't see this until much later if he ever does.) You can hope he'll change but that has an incredibly poor track record. Or you can change your own actions. That's what we recommend here:

Did you read the workshop on boundaries I posted earlier? Can you think of a small place where you could start enforcing a boundary with him?

Hang in there,

GK

[tryingtogetit]

Hi again sibble

It's hard to add to GreyKitti, she has all points covered really!

But I know the whole setting boundaries must sound daunting, especially to start with.

Yes, a lot is about control and one way for him to control is to confuse you. By giving conflicting information, you're kept busy with trying to figure HIM out, making you feel stupid you can't. And you can't because he has not rational, as GreyKitti says.

Now, loads of this might not be conscious to him, it's whatever seems to work in the moment for him I think, with no accountability. The Wizard of Oz metaphor is so appropriate, it must be on this site somewhere.

[tryingtogetit]

As greykitti says: you have to claim a space for yourself no matter how small.

To me this meant claiming back my mind. Bdps have the ability to make us discard our sense of reality and take over theirs (they use guilt for that). Then we are eft with trying to make sense of their irrationality.

So you can set your first boundary to yourself; do not accept his view over yours without scrutiny. Make sure what you think feel and believeis yours and not his. And if you do accept someone's reality, do it only after you factchecked and thought about it.

For me the first step was to reclaim my mind and my right to think and feel. This can all be done internally without confrontation. Educate yourself on BPD. And start believing in yourself again.

Another point is that BPD seem to thrive on getting us upset guilty and confused, so it'smost empowering to take control of our thoughts and emotions back. By not getting updet no matter what he'll lose control. Next step would be setting boundarirs about what you will not tolerate.

Best wishes!

[sibble]

Thanks for your post tryingtogetit

I don't know we're to start , I have a feeling that I have been dumped as all our financial accounts were together and now he has separated them all except our bill account but that will dry up soon . He has already sent me an email stating what he expects me to pay . It's complicated due to my daughter and son in law also sharing our house there will be trouble over how much we each have to put in . He has his car and I have to get the bus . So unfortunately I don't think there are any boundries I could enforce he if he has control of his wages which he has then because his are twice as much as mine he rules in the house . He can move about freely , I can't I am stuck . And he can go about his daily business and not worry . And I am like a lodger in my own home , he has turned my daughter against me. On top of that come September I might have to apply for my job back so I might not even have a job to support myself . He wants me to leave my hose because now he would poss have the capacity to buy me out so on all accounts I am dammed if I go to see a solicitor and I am dammed if I don't , I fm feel I am in no mans land . Boundaries  what will I not put up with , I don't have any choice on any field he has taken that choice away

[Grey Kitty]

You do have options financially:

You can get your own account without his name on it (I suspect it is safer to use a different bank), and put your paycheck (at least while you have it) into your account. If he is putting his paycheck into an account you do not have access to, it is completely fair to do the same with yours. Even if he says otherwise.

He can tell you what contributions you are "supposed" to pay for common bills, but he can't force you to actually pay. It is YOUR choice to pay a bill out of your money, or fund the shared account with your money.

If he unilaterally took "shared" money and put it into accounts where you cannot access it, it would seem reasonable for you to take the remaining money in the bill account and put it under your name. Especially if the part he took is significantly more than the amount left.

You can't control that he makes more money than you do, but you do have power in what you do with the money you still have shared access to, and what you do with your money and income.

If he refuses to pay his share of common bills, you don't have to pay a share either. Any consequences will be shared equally as long as you are living together. (Late fees, credit issues, Utilities shut off, foreclosure, etc.)

As an aside: This all sounds like good protection for you... . but he is likely to view it badly, to say the least. I recommend you talk to a lawyer... . and also that you re-post this question on the Leaving Board: Family law, divorce and custody. You will find people there who have been through some of the legal problems of separation or even just separation of financial assets. You will get more advice there.

You say you don't have any choices, he has taken them all away. It isn't true. You may not like your choices, but you always have choices. It is to his benefit and your disadvantage for you to think you have no choice--he can continue doing whatever he wants and using you like a doormat.

Hang in there!

 GK

[seeking balance]

Thanks for your post tryingtogetit

I don't know we're to start , I have a feeling that I have been dumped as all our financial accounts were together and now he has separated them all except our bill account but that will dry up soon . He has already sent me an email stating what he expects me to pay . It's complicated due to my daughter and son in law also sharing our house there will be trouble over how much we each have to put in . He has his car and I have to get the bus . So unfortunately I don't think there are any boundries I could enforce he if he has control of his wages which he has then because his are twice as much as mine he rules in the house . He can move about freely , I can't I am stuck . And he can go about his daily business and not worry . And I am like a lodger in my own home , he has turned my daughter against me. On top of that come September I might have to apply for my job back so I might not even have a job to support myself . He wants me to leave my hose because now he would poss have the capacity to buy me out so on all accounts I am dammed if I go to see a solicitor and I am dammed if I don't , I fm feel I am in no mans land . Boundaries  what will I not put up with , I don't have any choice on any field he has taken that choice away

Hi Sibble,

It sounds like you are really confused as to what to do.  Since this is a staying board, definitely keep reading about the communication tools, boundaries, etc.

But for peace of mind to protect you and your daughter in the short term, have you considered talking with an attorney about what the reality looks like if your H does file for divorce?  Many provide free consultation. Sometimes, at least for me, I can get anxious when it seems people are making decisions not aligned with what I want or need - and end up doing nothing but worrying.  Gather your support system perhaps and at least find out legally what you are looking at while trying to work out your marriage might make your anxiety go down a bit.

Hang in there - don't forget to take good care of you right now, sounds like there is a lot going on that could be very stressful.

Peace,

SB

[Matt]

Do you want to fix the marriage, and do you think that is possible?

Or do you want to end it?

I agree with Seeking Balance - talking to an attorney will help you understand your options.

In the US, if you file for divorce, you can ask the judge to put all the money under court control - both parties will have the money they need to continue as things are - each party paying what they normally pay.  Neither party can take all the money.

I think it may be similar in the UK.  Our legal traditions come mostly from English ways.

[sibble]

Thanks for both your replays but I feel that he has dumped me as in may he sent me a mail stating that from the 1st of June this would be what he requires me to pay , this mail was sent like I said in may this year and on the 1st of June him and other male members of the family went in my oldests sons stag night , my youngest sone said my husband was crying his eyes out but how can the be when he had sent the mail weeks befir the stag do taking his wages and cancling all the direct debits. So in effect why would he be crying if he has had an affair and still could be having it as a mini flight does not sound like he would go on his own , steeling 3,000,00 from insurance and keeping the money etc etc .i say he had planned all this out then playing the victim in front of his sones and his son in law . So everybody would feel sorry for him whilst behind the scenes he is strategically placing me in a no win situation either forcing me to go down the route if divorce . But I can only sat he plans the moves and he is taking me down a path of no return . So we have him steeling , adultery abuse of as long as I can remember . But all the while smiling as if butter would not melt in his mouth. Why when he was out on the stag do didn't he say to them all oh by the way I have planned what I am going to do to her next , lord knows his reaction when someone told me he was seen holding hands with someone was he wanted me and the person who told me sacked , me sacked . What for me finding out , he wanted me sacked !  This man is a smiling assassin . And none of the family know and they will not listern as he has worn a pretty convinsabme mask for years it's like he is untouchable .

Sorry for ranting , I have been to a solicitors for free advice but solisitors when they take in your case you have to pay money up frond and I don't even know if I will get my job back come march next year as we now have to apply each year , and he knows that he is waiting now like a vulcher just biding his time as if I loose my job that's when he will possibly make a move and file for divorce on me . I am not able to trust him now for what he has done

[Matt]

So, do you want to fix the marriage, and do you think it can be fixed?

Or do you want to end it?

[tryingtogetit]

Dear Sibble

obviously you are in a real pickle and it's understandable you're unsure what to do

being on this forum though is probably one of the best places to start so give yourself credit for that! It's a step to gaining your control back.

Why he does what he does, pretending to the rest of the family? Because he feels he gains something with it! Aside from BPD i think he might have a strong narcistic streak in him so you might want to read up on that.

Also, it sounds like you have no choice anymore, he choose to split up but tries to set all the terms in his favour. It might be good to browse the leaving forum to find storiesyou can relate to.

Also i recommend you seeking a local support group for domestic violence. He might not be physical violent but he does  abuse you mentally and finacially. They also will be able to give you legal advice!

It's great you went to see a solicitor as that is prob the best way to set your boundaries. Surely he has no legal right to cut you off financially so it's really worthwhile to pursue although you might have to look around to find a solicitor you feel you can trust.

Meanwhile hang in there and try to gain mental strength through this forum through talking to friends and support groups. You can stand up for yourself and in the end your children will only respect you more! Believe!

[sibble]

Thank you tryingto get it

I thought that myself and I have read up on narsasistic lime I say I thought that myself the but what I find strange my daughter does the exact Sam actions as the h does she guilts you over things my h was going to cut the grass to but my daughter told my h to go to the tip as she is doing a house out around the corner so she said to her dad if you go to the tip I will cut the grass in the mean time I sent her a text message to see if I could help in her house she sent me a message to say she was cutting our pptys grass as I was not going to do it (passabie agresive and guilting again) so I bit my tounge and helped cut the grass and I thought what the heck am I doing cutting the grass on a ppty I am possibly not going to have due to divorce. I said to my daughter as I felt so upset that I said oh well there's the grass cut once I go they can both move in so which my daughter replayed f***off I , well she should know how I feel as i was told by someone at work he has been seen holding hands with some woman but its not just that , that revilatiin happened weeks after he split me black . And found yet another fault in me. Now he has fooled all the kids and they don't want much to do with me .

I just don't beleive how they can do this and destroy your life . I have been for half an hour solicitors advice but ultimately its a big des disunion as it possibly not only means walking away from him but my family too