I did a dumb thing

[Sharkey167]

Due to a series of events beginning with my ex contacting me, followed by me saying "negative" things to her, followed by her new bf emailing me and telling me how "deeply hurt" she was and to "not contact her anymore" and ending his email by saying "if you have anything to say feel free", he dangled a carrot in front of me that was something I had been dreaming about for months.

So stupid me said "as a matter of fact I do have something to say that could save your life if you promise to keep it confidential." He agreed and I proceeded to send him an extensive email documenting my relationship with her and ultimately telling him about BPD and if he chooses to stay with her that he needs to understand fully what he is dealing with. I even sent him links to this website saying I wish I had had these tools.

True to form (just as I did to others in the past) he tore me a new butthole defending her up and down. Saying things I myself had once said. "This will draw us closer together." "I will help her because I LOVE HER." on and on. He used the "people have noted what a positive influence I am on her and how happy she is!" He was ME in EVERY WAY.

It was really dumb of me but honestly part of me is glad I did because someone way back when warned me explicitly and I said the same things. To this day I wish I had listened to that person. Maybe someday he too will look back and say "I was warned." So I apologized for saying what I said and that was that.

I would not recommend this course of action to anyone as it cause a host of other issues but the door was left open so I walked on through! Oh well lesson learned. 

It was somewhat liberating knowing that nothing has changed with her and cycle is just continuing business as usual.

[Clearmind]

Not dumb Sharkey! He needs to see/hear it when he is ready – and he will. We all thought love could conquer all and we could help our ex’s see the light – we saved them from their own fate only to have it all backfire.

It will backfire for him too Sharkey – put it down to experience. And you are very right you asked – you never ask unless you want to hear an answer. He needs to be accountable for his decision to want to listen. Not your fault.

Are we going to move towards accepting what your relationship was and wasn’t? Is it becoming clearer?

[Murbay]

You did the right thing Sharkey and as clearmind has stated, he will hear it when he is ready. I heard all the same things too but chose to ignore them. I spent 2 weeks debating in my own head but proceeded anyway because I saw how devastated she was at me asking to slow things down (not end the relationship, just slow it down). I thought that maybe people have got things wrong and not seeing what I am.

My conversation with my T last week, I was on the verge of messaging her ex to ask why he said he said she was broken and unlovable before disappearing and going NC. Decided against it because it was selfish and T said it might open up old wounds for him too, but in your position you did what I would have liked at the start so you should be commended for that.

If he doesn't take anything from it, it will leave those questions in his mind and when he starts seeing those actions at least he has something to refer back to. Who knows, you may have saved him from a lot of the pain and frustration we have all been through. If he is wise, he won't act on it straight away but once the rollercoaster starts, he can look at it objectively and realise he is not the cause of the issues, therefore helping him to come to terms with things.

You did a good thing there and although it might take some time to come to light, you may just have saved another soul.

[Sharkey167]

Wow guys! Not the reaction I was expecting. You really think I did the right thing?

I wasn't seeking him out to warn him, he came to me and in the process opened a door. In a twisted way I may have helped her too because if he is the right person for her and takes what I said to heart he may be able to use some of the tools on this website to help him help her. Or at least save him from loosing his goshdarn mind like the rest of us.

Or like you said, may have just saved another soul. I asked him first if I said my concerns would he keep it confidential which of course he didn't even though he agreed he would. I got a venomous email from her. Se la vie.

[Sharkey167]

Are we going to move towards accepting what your relationship was and wasn’t? Is it becoming clearer?

Yes I feel like I got this out of my system and there's nothing more that I can say about it. The fog continues to slowly lift.

[Octoberfest]

You did the right thing in the situation.  Your action was not about "sabotaging" her future relationship, it was about giving a stranger a heads up on the challenges he is slated to face.  Likely, little will come of your efforts.  I think everyone wants to believe that "it is different this time" or "its not like that, because... . ".  I know I certainly did.  I had it in my head that I could be the one to fix all of my BPDex's problems.  It took far, far too long to realize that NO ONE can, except for her. 

You did your part.  What he does or does not do with the information is not your concern. 

Twice I passed along information to other guys my BPDex was seeing at the same time as me, informing them of what was going on and giving them a heads up on what they were dealing with.  Not as involved as detailing BPD or providing them resources, more like a history of the F'ed up stuff that she had done already.  But, as I said, everyone wants to believe that "Oh, she did that to him because he wasn't good enough, but ME, I am so good she wouldn't even think of it."

We all know how that goes.

[Clearmind]

Wow guys! Not the reaction I was expecting. You really think I did the right thing?

We support not pass judgement Sharkey - this was your decision and only yours to make.

This is not about right or wrong its more about you and your healing now and leaving that part behind you.

[laelle]

There are no wrong answers if you learned something.