Hi Nolisan,
This was my experience as well. Here are my observations and interpretations of my experience:
I seem to go through cycles in my healing (
8 months NC now).
I would compare the cycles in our recovery to the grief work one might do in the context of a loss or death in a family. Grief often come in waves or cycles.
1. I have a period where I am in a place of acceptance and even gratitude (ie she came into my life for a reason and season not a lifetime - she was a teacher - now I know what I need (don't need mental illness) in a r/s and see my codependency and FOO issues
2. Then I swing into a forgiving place where I start to dwell on the good times and her good points. I start griefing for the joy I felt and the love I need and deserve. That's OK - natural.
As I see it, our minds are trying to come to terms with our loss. The pain of the loss is too much to process all at once, so it's almost like our minds break down the processing of the loss into parts. The process of grief can be described as a series of mental states: anger-denial-bargaining-depression-acceptance. And as I see it, we go through these cycles each time we process a "chunk" of our grief.
There is a reason why many culture ritualize the process of mourning. We bury the dead in marked places, so we can re-visit. And in some cultures, we designate a period of time when we might habitually return to these graves. Although in the years immediately after our loss, we probably find ourselves needing to visit and process quite often.
3. Then a dysfunctional place:
a. She was my only/last chance at romance
b. She rejected me and my love - I wasn't / are not good enough
c. I should have tried harder - dwell on my mistakes
d. she was right - it WAS all my fault
e. I was the one with the problems - she was OK
The things is, our BPD loved ones didn't die (unless they did). And so perhaps the ways in which we "bargain" with ourselves might be somewhat different than in a death, where there is less leeway to bargain (there is no way to resume in life, a relationship that ends in death).
Often while in this place I will "act out" with friends (hystrionic and attention seeking behavior) and addictive (numbing) behavior.
But what is similar are the ways in which we can cope with our pain from the loss. Some ways of coping are more constructive than other ways. In my recovery, I spent several years trying to "ignore" my pain: telling myself that I *should* be over it by now. I wasn't. And these feelings haunted me until I resumed my grief work. You are over it, only when you are over it.
And by "over" I mean, you will get to a point when you have integrated the pain along with the reflection. So long as you feel pain when you reflect, then you probably still have work to do.
4. Then I "come back to my senses" with a What the heck am I doing realization. That's OK but frequently then I slip into a darker place of beating my self up. Thinking that I am a terminal FU, doomed and a cosmic mistake.
I am tired of living this way.
It might be helpful to reconsider the extent of your loss. In my case, the loss of my BPD relationship wasn't just the ending of a relationship. I had to consider that it ended in the form of an abandonment and betrayal -- and that changes the nature and expectation of your recovery process. Also I lost not just the love of my life, but I had to give up on several ideals I had entertained for much of my life before that relationship: notions of romanticism, selflessness, loyalty, love, commitment. I had to consider that certain instincts of mine, in matters of attraction and love, are flawed and broken, and will not serve me if I continued to use them without readjustment. I had to consider that the nature of my relationship with my parents was disordered in several ways: that there was significant dysfunction in my family of origin, regardless of how high functioning everyone appeared to be. Suddenly my childhood was not as idyllic as I once believed it was. And so I need to grieve over that loss as well.
A lot of beliefs and values were demolished in the aftermath of my BPD relationship. So the grief work I had to do, lasted much much longer than the duration of my BPD relationship which was not short.
The grief doesn't mean you need to put your life of hold. But does require that you respect it, and thus respect yourself. And do what you need to do to take care of yourself. In time, the pain, wonder and acceptance all become part of you. You don't forget it. But it stops demanding your attention when you make it a habit to giving it (yourself) unsolicited attention.
Hope this helps.
Best wishes, Schwing
