Letting go in stages...

[Tordesillas]

I think letting go of my exBPD seems to be happening in stages... .

When I cut off all contact, I got through the first stage of "letting go".

But now I'm noticing I was almost using the struggle of maintaining NC as a kind of way to hold on to her.   And part of me was looking forward to the moments when she'd reach out to try and get me to talk to her... . thereby making me feel wanted again.  I need to let go of all of that stuff now.  Geeze.  I wonder what comes next?

[Octoberfest]

I don't know that anyone has an answer for you 

I think we all heal in our own way.  We each take our own time and our own route in doing it, and i think it is the way that it needs to be.  It would be swell if there were simple set of directions to follow, but of course it is never that simple.

Each of us were in our BPD relationships for our own unique reasons... . for me, I think my answers and my road to moving on lies in self examination.  Figuring out WHY I stayed as long as I did, what MY motives were in the relationship and what HERS were.

I think I have made a little progress.

I loved loving her.  Making her feel good. Special. Wanted. Loved.  It hurt me to see her sad, or hurting.  I wanted to be that rescuer, the one who made her happy and made her smile.

She loved being loved.  She loved how I could make her feel, that I could make her feel those good feelings that she normally does not.

I have never been in a relationship besides the one I was in with her... . but I imagine that successful relationships are built on compatibility in wants, needs, morality, aspirations, and likes/dislikes.  Looking back, the only thing we had to keep us together was that I wanted to love someone and be loved back, and she wanted to be loved.  And I got enough "love" back to justify all the cheating and other hitty things that she did.

I had a role I wanted to fill, and I put a person in it who had none of the qualifications to be there.

So in my opinion, it is a learning process.  You learn what worked and what did not. 

I still miss her of course.  But i know that I could never go back.

I still hurt for her.  For all that she has gone through, both by her own choice, and by what the world had in store for such a vulnerable person.

I still grieve that someone should have to go through everything that she has.

But there is nothing I can do.  And that is both a very helpless feeling, and at the same time, although it kind of shames me to say it, a liberating one.

I learned a lot about life from her and from our relationship.  And as always, life DOES go on.

[cska]

Hey Tordesillas! 

But now I'm noticing I was almost using the struggle of maintaining NC as a kind of way to hold on to her.   And part of me was looking forward to the moments when she'd reach out to try and get me to talk to her... . thereby making me feel wanted again.  I need to let go of all of that stuff now. 

Yes, I feel exactly the same way. I'm in NC with my dBPD girl now. And she started therapy not too long  ago, and my heart clings onto the thought that she will realize how much I love her and reach out to me... .