I yelled at my Mom last night and I'm feeling guilty about it

[sonofbpd]

I'm an adult who lives alone about 2 hours away from my parents.

I have a lot of resentment towards my mother for the way she has acted towards me, my dad and my brother over the years. From having us drop everything to help her with an 'emergency' (like decorating the Christmas tree -- we're not Christian) to the cry for attention emergency room visits where we all rush to the hospital only to be told she refuses to see us. And I'm talking like rush from an hour and a half away. Last year was especially horrendous with the way she 'acted out'.

About a month ago I agreed to go to a wedding reception with her this weekend. The wedding of someone I do not know at all. Mainly because she guilt trips me and says awful things when I say no to these requests -- I've tried my best to accommodate when I can. I need to get better about saying no and accepting the consequences. It doesn't help anyone to say 'yes' to something you don't want to do when you know it will lead to resentment anyways.

So yesterday she was going on and on about how she needs us (me, my brother and his wife) to be available to accompany her to more of these events and I essentially said I don't want to go this weekend, but I already said I would, so I'm going and I want a 'free pass' to skip the next one. At this point she said 'You really need to sit down and look at yourself and the way you treat people.' This set me off in a rage. I essentially said she has driven away everyone in her life and she needs to realize that SHE is the problem, I'm proud of who I am, she has treated me like ___ my whole life, I don't give an expletive what she thinks and I'm going to hang up now. Certainly a bit of an over reaction, but there is history there.

Now after the fact, I spoke to my AA sponsor (I'll be 5 years sober in September) who said the same thing he's been saying all along, I need to worry about my actions and reactions to things and not be so worried with what people do or say to me -- just my own response. EVERYONE could benefit from sitting down and taking a look at the way they treat other people. He said my response was not appropriate and that is no way to speak to my mother, regardless of how she's treated me.

I'm a pretty mild mannered person but for whatever reason she has the ability to really push my buttons. I think it's the fact that she is so ready to criticize and insult me, even when I'm trying to do her a favor and she is so unwilling to ever look at her own faults.

So I'm angry and dreading the fact that I probably need to apologize.

[GeekyGirl]

I think you know what you need to do, sonofBPD. 

I've tried my best to accommodate when I can. I need to get better about saying no and accepting the consequences. It doesn't help anyone to say 'yes' to something you don't want to do when you know it will lead to resentment anyways.

This is very insightful and to me, it looks like you're outlining a boundary, which is good. What would happen if you said, "Mom, I understand that you don't like going to these events alone, but understand that I can't go to all of them."? Are these events where she's likely to know a lot of other people? If so, maybe you could remind her that Cousin XX and Aunt YY will be there (assuming she likes Cousin XX and Aunt YY) to make her feel more comfortable.

This set me off in a rage. I essentially said she has driven away everyone in her life and she needs to realize that SHE is the problem, I'm proud of who I am, she has treated me like ___ my whole life, I don't give an expletive what she thinks and I'm going to hang up now. Certainly a bit of an over reaction, but there is history there.

So I'm angry and dreading the fact that I probably need to apologize.

It happens, so don't be too hard on yourself. It's not easy to hear someone complain about you, especially if you feel that it's not justified or constructive.

I really like how you called your AA sponsor (congratulations on your sobriety, btw). That's one way to help you cool down. He has some good points--you can control how you respond to people, although you can't change how they behave. That's sage advice.

What do you think you should do from here, now that you've had some time to cool down and think about what happened?

[Babysteps]

First, I would like to stay, please don't beat yourself up about this. Since you are in AA, you know that relapse happens and you shouldn't beat yourself about it. This is the exact same thing with negatively reacting to your mother. You are in healing and working on bettering yourself, but you aren't perfect and handling your mother isn't something that you can magically perfect the next day. It's a process involving babysteps, and sometimes we stumble a bit while taking those steps. This is normally expected to happen, so please don't beat yourself about it.

Mainly because she guilt trips me and says awful things when I say no to these requests -- I've tried my best to accommodate when I can. I need to get better about saying no and accepting the consequences. It doesn't help anyone to say 'yes' to something you don't want to do when you know it will lead to resentment anyways.

A goal-this is perfect. It's great foundation to build from! Do you normally talk to her on the phone or do you drive to her to have this discussions? What I recommend doing is copying this into a word document: "It is okay to say no. I have every right to say no. I do not owe her anything nor is it my responsibility to help her. It doesn't help anyone to say 'yes' to something I don't want to do, definitely when I know it leads to resentment anyways." (Yes, I some of it came from your post and I give you that credit )

Have several copies of that on the document, print it out, cut out each copy, and tape/hang it in places where you often confront your mom. If you talk to your mother in the kitchen, hang it on the fridge, above the stove, by the landline phone (if you have one), or at the window you normally look out of. Tape one on that sun visor/pull-down-mirror/light thing in your car, so before and after you see your mom, you can read it and calm down in the car. Maybe even screenshot it in your computer, copy/paste it into the program paint, save it as a photo, and have it be your background on your cellphone, so that way you can read it after you get off the phone with your mom. I know reading a phrase might seem rather simple, but you'd be surprise how much the constant repetition and reading an encouraging reminder when you need it can help. You deserve to be constantly reminded how you deserve better. It's worth a try

Also-I'm not sure if this would work, but have you tried calmly addressing your mom on her real problem behind why she asks you these things? By what it sounds, it is less that she wants you particularly to accompany her to these wedding receptions/events and more that she doesn't want to go by herself/be alone. There are numerous of possibilities why she dislikes going dateless (and you know her better than me) but maybe one of the reasons is because she feels embarrassed?  Sometimes empowering her discomfort might help her change her mindset on that (in particularly) and she might lessen up on the demanding you to accompany her at least. Try explaining to her that she is a strong independent woman who doesn't need a date. That she shouldn't care about what other think of her-and her going by herself makes her own self-character look stronger. The fact that she can go to an event by herself and enjoy herself looks very impressive! Giving her a confidence boost and encouragement that she doesn't need anyone instead of flat out saying no may help. Although, BPD and BPD qualities can make this approach not work since it involves more complicated and deeper emotional problems than insecurity. It's up to you on whether to try it.

So I'm angry and dreading the fact that I probably need to apologize.

I know you are dreading to apologize, but I feel it might still be good for you. Although you should apologize for the right thing. Like I said above, it's okay to slip  with your emotions since it is a difficult process to get a grasp on, but apologizing would be good you-personally because it helps you redefine your own actions. You want to work on handling your reaction, so admitting that you reacted in a way that you could have done better with will help you set your own strict rules on your emotions. It has nothing to do with your mom nor is it trying to comfort her.

Your healing involves you, and it might help make you feel better if you set strict rules/guidelines to follow. Apologizing for emotional outbreaks allows you to to openingly acknowledge that you are against letting your emotions slip and lashing out at others. Once again, it is understandable so please don't beat yourself up about it, it happens. But doing so sets a firm line with what you are okay with and what you are not. It helps strengthen your boundaries. You are saying you are wrong for your reactions-which makes clear that although you did react badly, she still shouldn't be expecting you to comply to her whim.

Also, even though your mother might not acknowledge her own emotional outbreaks, apologizing for your own allows you to gain a power that she doesn't have-being able to identify where you were wrong. Yes, your mother is awful to you, but picking and choosing who you do this with (even if she mistreats you awfully) does not help you at all. If you look at it this way, you apologizing makes you different from her. This allows you to be the stronger person who doesn't let someone negative drag down your character and morals. See apologizing for the right right thing (the emotional reaction- not for not wanting to attend the receptions) as you setting a good example and positive actions towards your own healing. It's liberating you from her, not giving in.

[sonofbpd]

Thank you both, these are helpful suggestions. I know what I SHOULD do but I really don't want to do it. The way I feel is that after what she has put me through (last year was particularly brutal), she is lucky I even still speak with her, let alone do these ridiculous favors for her.

And an apology is going to turn into more beratement from her and I'm just not up for that.

But maybe I'll feel differently tomorrow.

[skinny13]

sonofBPD, sorry for the stress you have been going through with your mom. I have a different take on this although I think GeekyGirl and Babysteps have made some great points.

I think your sponsor is spot-on that you need to focus on your actions and reactions. But I don't think you owe your mom an apology. (And I guess I find it a little bit too much when anyone says 'that's no way to speak to your mother' - because that is the kind of outlook that makes it tough for people to understand how hard it is to be the child of someone with a PD - 'honor thy elders no matter what they do to you.'

I get why you think you should apologize, and I think Babysteps makes an excellent observation that apologizing gives you the power to recognize when you handled something in the wrong way.  But you already have recognized that.

I think apologizing is such an important thing to do when we're in the wrong -- but only when you are talking about healthy, reciprocal relationships. As we all know, BPDs don't apologize (unless it is a woe-is-me, I'm sorry you took something the wrong way type of apology). Yes, she should be treated with a certain respect that all people deserve. But apologizing to her doesn't do her any favors in that it only reinforces her belief that you should be putting up with/doing everything she wants. Everything you said when you lost your temper is the truth, even if it wasn't maybe the right time and way in which to say it. And you don't have to apologize for telling the truth.

I think recognizing that you want to honor yourself by behaving in a certain way is one thing, and it will keep you honest when you next have an interaction like this. But it doesn't mean you have to apologize to your mother.

[Cordelia]

I TOTALLY understand this.  This is a big reason why I don't speak to my mother - I am so incredibly angry around her and the littlest thing sets me off and I just don't like who I am in my relationship with her.  Please don't beat yourself up about it.  Your feelings - your anger and your analysis of the situation - are completely justified and there is nothing wrong about feeling that way, or having that perspective on the relationship.  The only thing that you might want to reconsider - and the only thing you might consider apologizing for - is the way you expressed yourself.  Please don't let your guilt lead you into apologizing for things that aren't wrong, like how you feel. 

In going through this analysis of how to handle the relationship with your mom better, make allowances for the fact that you are very very angry for very VERY good reason.  Think about how to honor that anger and the nature of your experience in your relationship.  In my case, I felt the only way to give real voice to my needs in the relationship was to end the relationship, since there was no way she would cooperate in changing the relationship so that I could be heard and my needs could matter, and at that point (and to this day) I'm not strong enough with her to just enforce my boundaries regardless of her attitude, I need her understanding and agreement that the way we communicate has to change.  I'm not going to get that, so I just don't interact.  I really admire people who are able to change their way of interacting so that they can maintain a relationship despite accepting that they are not going to get empathy, understanding, or respect from their parent.  To me this seems almost impossible so I really wouldn't blame yourself for not being at that point.  If you never get there, that's okay too.  You are where you are, and you can only make progress from that point that you're at right now. 

Forgive yourself for losing your temper - it's completely understandable - and give some thought to how you can be kinder to yourself, as well as your mother, in the relationship you guys have.  Compassion to one that comes at the cost of cruelty to the other is not real compassion.  A truly kind solution will free both of you from the struggle you are locked in together and give you the space and safety you need to consider how best to move forward. 

Wishing you all the best 

[nomom4me]

My first thought when I read this thread was "does she apologize to you whenever she yells at you?" and I know that logic is flawed, I don't think any of us want to be like our disordered parent.  I know I said this in a recent thread, but it's helpful for me to use this rule - everything is currency to a BPD, visits, gifts, attention - maybe even negative attention.  My gut reaction is that if you give your mom an apology, she'll come up with other things you "owe" her apologies for.  My mom feels owed for my entire childhood of being treated like her living doll.  I don't play that game with her, and it's not easy - during my last conversation with her (by phone) I literally held my partners hand the entire time and whenever she tried to change the subject I said "I didn't call to talk about that".  Medium Chill is HARD WORK.

Of course we are allowed to say no to our mothers, how many times have they said "no" no us?  I've fed into the escalation with my mom when she refuses to take no for an answer, I'm sorry I escalated but I'm also sorry she pushed me to that point.  If I'm honest about my relationships, there is no one else who pushes me that much.

IMHO, an apology could turn into BPD currency.  If you do discuss it with her, I'd apologize in a "I'm sorry you feel that way but asking me to go to a strangers reception puts me in a difficult position."  It doesn't sound like your sponsor has experience dealing with a disordered mother, and it doesn't sound like (in this instance) your anger was related to drinking.  AA is a great resource, and it sounds like you have come a long way in the program, but it's not geared for dealing with disordered people.  If you blew up at a friend over a normal request (like attending a wedding of someone you actually know) an apology would be appropriate, in this case your mothers request is really the problem.

[Vivgood]

But I don't think you owe your mom an apology. (And I guess I find it a little bit too much when anyone says 'that's no way to speak to your mother' - because that is the kind of outlook that makes it tough for people to understand how hard it is to be the child of someone with a PD - 'honor thy elders no matter what they do to you.'

an apology to someone who has abused you (and actively continues to) would be solely for YOU. Do it if you believe its the act of integrity an/or you genuinely feel sorry. personally, I think you've been a minor saint and don't need to apologize for a brief verbal smack down in response to totally rude and nasty behavior.

Congrats on the 5 years! My 22-yr clean&sober DH had a NPD mom who died recently,believe me I have total sympathy for your position.


vivgood

[Clearmind]

The only persons reactions you can control are your own. I completely get the obligation of doing things for your BPD parent - after all enmeshment is usually prevalent in these instances. With obligation to "do" things also comes the feelings of resentment and then we lash out... . give your permission to be angry and lash out. Its OK. We can learn from it.

When Mum invited you - what did your heart and mind tell you?

If your Mum was to call and invite you to accompany you to a wedding today what would you do and say? Re-live it and learn how to put your needs first - if there is a next time.

Often we converse with our BPD parents based on our childhood emotions. Remind yourself you are an adult now - you get to choose. With this comes guilt - guilt can be processed.