Feeling bad about something I said...

[connect]

I am feeling bad about something I said to my bf (ex?) and wanted to get some thoughts from you guys as am driving myself crazy over it for some reason.

I have lots of emotions around what happened at the weekend which I will post about separately but wanted to focus on this particular question as it keeps rearing its head in amongst all the other stuff… I am working on myself a lot but this is a “him” question that bugs me.

He broke up with me at the weekend after having a major meltdown/dissociation episode that has been brewing for weeks after coming off antidepressents. He has cut his mother, father and now me out of his life. I do not want it to be over at all, am devistated and am hoping that we will re-connect. Am NC at the moment though.

I used the tools with him when this was going on (was concerned about him tbh) throughout the whole day. He has been very agitated about a poor decision he had made to not invite me to an upcoming event and how I would react to that. I know that a break up now would enable him to avoid my reaction to this decision.

When he told me he didn’t want to see me anymore I cracked for a second and said to him calmly but not very healthily “I do see through you.  I know what you are doing. You want to do this now to alleviate your guilt and make this event easier for you”

This was the only time I reacted from a bad place during his meltdown. I forgive myself for saying it as I am only human. However, I feel that it may have been a damaging thing to say to a dissociated BPD person having a meltdown.  I fear that this could paint me black for a long time.

What do you guys think? Would he have even “heard” me in this state?

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[MaybeSo]

When he told me he didn’t want to see me anymore I cracked for a second and said to him calmly but not very healthily “I do see through you.  I know what you are doing. You want to do this now to alleviate your guilt and make this event easier for you”  

This was the only time I reacted from a bad place during his meltdown. I forgive myself for saying it as I am only human. However, I feel that it may have been a damaging thing to say to a dissociated BPD person having a meltdown.  I fear that this could paint me black for a long time.

I think that we tend to imagine that we have much more control, either in negative or positive ways, of someone elses mental health issues than we really do... . because our imagined control and impact, alleviates and distracts us from sitting with our own anxiety about the hard truth, which is... .

You don't have any control over anyone else but yourself.

The communication skills taught are not meant to increase our tendency to walk on eggshells. Your comment sounds pretty authentic and it probably came from a strong place. Could there have been other ways to communicate?  Sure.  From your description, he was dysregulated and had been for a while.  It would be impossible to never trigger this person.  Intimacy itself is triggering... . you don't even have to say anything.  The disorder always wins.  You will not outsmart it. When you two speak again you can extend an apology if you don't like how you said it or felt in hindsight it was too harsh. But try your best not to personalize the classic symptoms of another person's attachment issues. He very well may not have even registered the comment if we was dissociated. Usually that means they are mentally 'somewhere else'. I've said much, much worse things during heated moments in times past to my ex.

[Wrongturn1]

Connect,

No reason to beat yourself up - you're correct that we're only human.  There are at least a few possibilities:

1) He did not even "hear" you while in that state, and he may barely remember the episode if at all;

2) He heard it and was crushed by it, and he will bring it up with you every time he gets upset for the next 20 years;

3) He heard it and will think about it later, and if he's feeling especially introspective, he might realize that what you said was accurate, which could help him improve his behavior in the future.

Time will tell; hang in there.

[Jeansok]

2) He heard it and was crushed by it, and he will bring it up with you every time he gets upset for the next 20 years;


That is a big one for me... . in everything I do also.

Hang in there Connect! I have said alot of things in anger like this and worse before I really knew what was going on... .

[Cloudy Days]

In my honest opinion, you said what you felt at the moment, there was nothing wrong with that. I've said some things I regret with my husband 9/10 he doesn't even remember them after he has calmed down. I don't always regret my emotional statements but sometimes I do. You just have to forgive yourself for being human, you do have emotions too and it understandable that you may say things that might hurt him on occasion, whether intentionally or not.

It seems like you are giving your bf too much power over your thoughts. You seem to be very focused on what he thinks of you and what you said. I've done it too, many times before. Can you plan something to do for yourself to get your mind off of things. Detach with love? After all, the only thing you can control is you, he will most likely come around eventually. It doesn't help you at all to be caught up in something you said to him in the moment, especially if you meant it when you said it.

[connect]

Maybeso – wow you are good! You hit that right on the head. My focus on this could also be to do with me wanting to have felt I had some control/influence on this situation even if it was negative control. The truth is as you say, I have no control over this. Him ending the r/s has left me floundering with a sleep deprived, devastated mind going to all sorts of places.

The thing I said was genuine and from the heart as you say Maybeso - I do stand by it.

And Maybeso and Cloudy, yes I have said much worse things in the past when he has been dysregulated (pre BPD knowledge) and he has never bought those things up again afterwards.

Jeansok – thank you

Wrongturn – your point #2 “He heard it and was crushed by it, and he will bring it up with you every time he gets upset for the next 20 years” made me laugh my head off – I don’t know why! Actually the word “crushed” is commonly used by him. He says I am always “crushing” him by the things I say…

Thanks guys, that’s really helped me tonight shift this thought pattern I was stuck in. Will post again in a bit on another topic. You don’t get rid of me that easily  

[waverider]

Sometimes we project our own insecurities by wanting them to react in a certain way.

Stay objective, consider the issues you face and respond from the heart knowing you are a genuine person, you will not always get things 'perfect", if there is such a thing. That is ok, you are being honest and doing your best, that is all you need do. The consequences are partly out of your control and will be what they will.

It is easier to deal with outcomes if you know you are true to yourself rather than trying to manipulate outcomes to your ideal.

[Chosen]

Actually I'm probably in the minority here, but I don't think what you said is that bad.  I mean you could have used "me" statements instead of "you", but the message is not wrong.  I have to admit sometimes I say things like that to H too, when he is dysregulated and he threatens me or whatever.  Then I will say ":)on't think that threatening me will get me to admit something that is not true.  I'm not afraid of threats."  I know it's not entirely the same but I guess the essence is similar. 

And you know what, I believe whatever you have done/said may be brought up for the next 20 years.  Even if it's completely untrue, if the pwBPD believes it he/ she will continue to bring it up again and again and again... .

[cal644]

I will be the first to say that I didn't think it was that bad.  When my stbexw and I were splitting I said so many things that I shouldn't have - many things I regret to this day.  Were they the truth - yes! were the mean - sad to say yes! I called her out on her past abuses , why she is a shell of a person, why she is going back to what she ran from, etc.  The thing I regret the most - but I was in a moment of extreme rage after being attacked verbally so bad - I told her that all her years growing up how her parents called her stupid - I said for the first time in my life (20 yrs together) I agreed with her parents - she was throwing away a loving husband, and good family for some guy who was a complete scum.  To this day I regret saying that 0 but like I sad was it true - yes any normal minded person would see what they were doing but I should have never said that.

[Wrongturn1]

Wrongturn – your point #2 “He heard it and was crushed by it, and he will bring it up with you every time he gets upset for the next 20 years” made me laugh my head off – I don’t know why! Actually the word “crushed” is commonly used by him. He says I am always “crushing” him by the things I say…

Hahaha... . yes indeed, I believe my uBPDw has used the term "crushed" on more than one occasion.  It seems like many BPDs read from the same script.  It's not unusual for my wife (while dysregluated and blaming me) to bring up offhand statements I made to her when I was age 19 or 20 - and I'm 37 now... . come on, cut me some slack!

[waverider]

Yep the ability to display pin point accurate memory recall is amazing, and yet completely inaccurately recollect something recent... . Then some time later when it suits that forgotten or blocked moment comes out crystal clear, even if the context is twisted, long after you have forgotten and cant trust your own memory recall. They know this and can try to bluff you with their own twisted version. Some call this the seeds of gaslighting, but that is not quite the same which is an over simplistic popculture term

This is one reason I have stopped repeating myself, they have good memory recall, they are simply choosing not to recall at times, playing dumb. Forcing you to repeat yourself is simply a technique to gain control similar to pushing you into JADE. Repeating yourself also increases the chances of you not being consistent and opening yourself to negotiating and twisting.

Keep things compact and consistent, they heard and it reduces confusion