Upcoming visit - Not sure what to think

[crazedncrazymom]

Hey ladies!

Hope your day is going as good as it can.  Here's my delimma

We had planned for dd16 to come home for the weekend.  The plan was to pick her up tomorrow afternoon and bring her back Monday afternoon, leaving after I get off work at 11.  Well, DH got a new job.  He's been out of work for 3 months so HUGE YAY! right?  Well, not so much.  That means dd will have to go back on Sunday afternoon because neither of us will be home on Monday.  Well, we talked to her about it yesterday during family session.  We were going to pick her up Friday evening and bring her home, spend Saturday at an amusement park, make some candy to take back to the other girls on Sunday morning and leave Sunday afternoon to take her back.  That sounds like a great weekend doesn't it?  I sure thought so.  Not so much.

DD is MAD that we are not keeping her until Monday and said it's really not worth it.  She also demanded I quit my job so I can be available to take her back on Monday.  Now after spending the entire family session yesterday and a few minutes today validating her feelings she is still just flat out mad that she can't stay that one extra day.

I asked if she wanted to reschedule the home pass so maybe next weekend can be longer.  I don't know... .   THen she started to blow up.  Of course I'm mad!  It's going to be less than 48 hours.  Finally I said OK Look... . we'll just reschedule.  That is a 6 hour round trip drive and if you're not going to appreciate me making that drive then I'd rather not. 

I'm not sure if it was the right thing to do or not.  I feel horrible because I was also looking forward to this weekend. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

crazed

I think you did the right thing. I felt when my dd was at RTC she was full of demands... . buy me this... . bring me that... . it was endless and I felt is was just her way of controlling us and the situation. Probably because she felt she had no control over anything at her RTC.

Could you have just stop the discussion once she started to get really upset... . I think that is helpful... . validating that you understand that she is disappointed but that because of xyz this is the way it had to be.

I feel at time my dd acted like a terrorist... . threatening poor behavior if she didn't get her way... .

If she was unable to accept the change in plans it was probably best to reschedule... . i think you did good  

[vivekananda]

Hi c&cmom,

I know I am late to get to this, forgive me eh? By now it could all be water under the bridge.

Nonetheless, after the time has passed, do you think you could have done any better?

To me, given the situation you found yourself in, I think you did fine. I would consider what I could do next time to anticipate any issues and find ways around them. Eg when she becomes unrealistic or unreasonable, what boundary could you put in place to protect yourself? Can you think of anything that may have helped?

Another thing is SET:

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

This is something I have yet to master myself, but for you and your dd you may want to see if it helps. I am sure you know it already, but maybe a revisit would help.

Let us know how it stands now, ok?

cheers,

Vivek    

[crazedncrazymom]

Oh wow I forgot about this thread  

OK she called later that night and acted like she didn't know what I was talking about.  What?  I never said that.  So she did come home and we had a wonderful weekend.  She did have a few minor problems, but when she was upset she actually talked to me about what was going on.  Validating is HARD!  Not solving all of her problems is HARD!  I fixed one problem because I created the problem without even realizing it.  The other I sat and listened and validated her without telling her what to do (HARD!) and without trying to fix it myself (REALLY HARD!)

She did confess that she was planning on trying to commit suicide that weekend, but had changed her mind when she saw how much we love her (REALLY?  My daughter saw that?  YAY!)

Anyway, she is coming home again next week for the same length of time.  She went through the same thing.  What's the point?  That's not enough time!  I'm just going to stay here.  I told her I understand she feels frustrated and wants to be home longer.  Sorry honey, that's the amount of time you can stay.  I am scheduling that time and if you would like to change it to a day pass so you don't come home, you'll have to talk to your therapist and make those arrangements.  The subject is closed so we're not going to talk about it anymore.  *DEEP BREATH* Soo Did you get to go to pet therapy today?

Oh jellibeans we're past the threatening poor behavior.  Thank goodness I found the magic phrase.  OK you can do that, but how does that help you reach your goal?  She has stopped threatening me.  She either does it or not and I don't get involved.  I find she does it much less if I don't feed into it.

[jellibeans]

Crazed

That is very promising. Your dd making some steps forward.  Good to hear