missing ex like crazy

[leftbehind]

I miss my ex like crazy today.  This even after finding out a couple of big whopping lies he told me while we were together.  Even after finding out he's already slept with someone else, and made her the exact same painting he made for me.  Even after I had to leave two places of employment as an independent contractor because he had insinuated himself into those places with me as his foot in the door.  Even after he broke up by email, threw out all my stuff, unfriended me on facebook, and when I went up to his house to confront him threatened to call the police.

The problem is our relationship was great while we were together.  Then one day he decides he's done.  That was it.  So I don't have horrendous memories to look back on pre-breakup.  I know he's done this to the two other women before me, but I always believed his stories that they were abusive.  Now I'm really beginning to doubt that.  I'm the third that I know of, I'm sure there are more, or will be. 

Some of my friends don't understand why I still find the need to talk about him - I know they're sick of hearing it.  But in my mind it hasn't even been 3 months yet, and we were so good together.  I've never laughed so much, felt so accepted by someone, have someone be so considerate, romantic, best sex I ever had, compatible spiritual beliefs, etc.  Then he completely changed overnight without giving me any reason other than that he's "had a spiritual awakening, and our energies don't match anymore."

This after him telling me that he loved me tremendously a few days earlier, and after months of him telling me that we were soulmates, and that I was the only woman on the planet for him.  I'm still shell shocked, and my mind keeps going back to all the good times we had together.  The good was WAY more than any bad times or conflicts.

Sorry for rambling. I've already written a lot of my story here previously.  I've been NC for 2 and a half months.  He emailed me last week and I didn't answer.  I want to email to him how "I don't get it, we were so good together, what happened?"  but I know I won't get the truth back in response.

I'm sure he got bored and found someone else (he's also ADD, as well as undiagnosed BPD. But so many here and also my T plus another heath professional said there is no doubt about it).  Or maybe he split me black - that's what it feels like based on how he broke up with me and reacted afterward.  Maybe I got the email last week because he's splitting me white again, I don't know. 

Anyway, I'm just looking for some support because I don't want to break NC.  I don't think there's any benefit to it, so I'm fighting the urge.  If anyone has any words of advice or support around this I'd appreciate it.  Thanks.

[Lucky Jim]

Hi LeftBehind, I wouldn't be surprised if there is a chemical reaction in one's brain after a breakup with a pwBPD, or at least it felt like that to me.  What you are describing is extremely hard, I know.  Just to fill me in a little, what makes you think your Ex has BPD?  Hang in there, LuckyJim

[leftbehind]

Hi LuckyJim, when I was recounting my story to various people in search of answers, pretty much everyone told me it sounded as if he was mentally ill.  I work in the holistic field, and many of my friends are therapists and social workers.  I kept hearing two possibilities - bipolar or borderline personality.

Then I went back into therapy with my old T, and after telling her what happened she told me she has no doubt in her mind he is BPD.  She also told me she sees a lot of BPD people, even though most therapists don't like working with them.  After she mentioned her certainty of this I came here and told my story of the relationship and breakup.  One of the ambassadors commented on how my ex is a textbook case of BPD.  Then the more I wrote, the more people commented how it sounded identical to their stories with their BPD ex's. 

So there seems to be a whole lot that points to this being the case.  I definitely experienced the Idealization phase, and then a sudden and dramatic Devaluation phase.  I also experienced him mirroring me.  He even started doing part time what I do professionally full time after he met me.  He copied a lot of my language and spiritual practices to.

I agree with you that there must be a chemical reaction as well as a psychological one as a result of a breakup with a BPD.  All I can tell you is that I was the happiest I ever was in my life, and he professed to be too, until he suddenly broke it off.  Completely out of the blue.  I thought we were good.

[bewildered2]

lefdtbehind,

as you are clearly knowledgable about BPD and numerous independent sources clearly think he has BPD then you know that the right thing for you to do is to maintain nc. well done.

of course it is hard to stay strong. it is just like a drug addiction, and your brain wants you to go back to where it has been, even if that place was uncomfortable. it will take time for your brain to adjust to the "new" normal.

in the same way that it is often hard for a single person who is used to sleeping alone to suddenly share a bed with someone every night, the converse is true too.

so try hard and make the effort to stay away from him. it will pay off. you will have to take your medicine at some point, because relationships with a borderline always end badly, with no real closure, so there is no happy ending possible with this man. not for you, and not for anybody else either.

give it time, and trust me, you will not miss him at all. you'll even be amazed to look back and wonder why on earth you missed him at all.

stay strong, we are here to help.

b2

[leftbehind]

thank you so much, bewildered2   It helps to think of it as a form of withdrawal, like you and luckyjim said.  What you wrote was also very helpful:

so try hard and make the effort to stay away from him. it will pay off. you will have to take your medicine at some point, because relationships with a borderline always end badly, with no real closure, so there is no happy ending possible with this man. not for you, and not for anybody else either.

I need to read this over and over and keep it in the front of my mind.

[seeking balance]

Leftbehind,

I know that missing you talk about, it is tangible at times.

What I did to cope - focus on the facts... . the facts of BPD, the 10 false beliefs that keep us stuck and the FACT, that as much as I didn't want to really look deep, it was really my core "alone" that I was feeling.  Lonely, isolated was a childhood wound that this relationship really did soothe and now it was super exposed. 

I did a lot of "acting as if".  I was miserable enough that I trusted those here who had the most stars by their name.  Coupled with my own T, I simply decided I would go through the pain - I gave myself a year of no dating, no distractions - let myself feel and soothe in what I thought were healthy ways.   A LOT of tears were shed.

There is no doubt you miss the good parts of your ex like crazy - that is ok, grieving those parts is essential.  And grief is painful - don't be afraid to go through the uncomfortable to get to the other side.

Keep taking care of you.

Peace,

SB

[leftbehind]

thank you, seeking balance.  it's true that it helps to focus on my life and what I want out of it, instead of focusing on him.  when I can manage to do this I feel I'll get through all of this.

[leftbehind]

I think what's triggering me big time is that his birthday is this Saturday.  We spent mine together, and I was so excited when I thought of planning for his.  I'm not going to send him an email.  I'm pretty sure he's out of love with me (probably the real reason he broke it off, instead of the bullsh** reason he gave me that he had a "spiritual shift" and so he wouldn't care one way or the other if I did. 

I was planning on going away to a healing conference this weekend, but I didn't have the money plus I'm having a little bit of a health issue.  It would have been really good to have been out of town for his birthday. 

I guess me not acknowledging his birthday really means it's over.  I miss him so much.

[confetti]

Mine's birthday is on its way too... . I know how you feel.

And it's like... . don't wish them happy birthday, and they'll even further have the reason to hate you because its about them.

In turn, it makes it very realistic that its over... .

It's sucky to accept but as long as you continue to go through the pain you'll reach the carefree side eventually. I can't speak for you, but personally if I'm 75% through I'd try my best to not regress rather than walk through these quicksands all over again.

Hang in there leftbehind x_X 

[leftbehind]

thank you, confetti

[Bananas]

 :'( the dreaded birthday.  i had a really hard time on my exes birthday, it was about 3 weeks ago.  but i came here every time i was tempted to text or call him and it helped.  i had made him a really cool gift months before we broke up and i wanted to give it to him so bad, but i stayed strong.  i'll be thinking about you leftbehind! if i can do it you can!

[seeking balance]

Look at it this way, there only has to be one first bday missed.

I promise, the next year... . the bday won't feel like this if you just do whatever you need to not to engage.

The firsts are all hard, but they really do get better... . it just sucks right now.

Hang in there!

[patientandclear]

The problem is our relationship was great while we were together.  Then one day he decides he's done.  That was it.  So I don't have horrendous memories to look back on pre-breakup.  I know he's done this to the two other women before me, but I always believed his stories that they were abusive.  Now I'm really beginning to doubt that.  I'm the third that I know of, I'm sure there are more, or will be.

Yep.  I really do think this makes it particularly hard.  With complete respect to the previous posters who say that if you just keep going, it will eventually fade and get better -- I did not find that to be true even after 10 months of NC and lots of therapy.

Strangely, what has finally allowed me to detach was to get back in touch with him as a friend and have him several times treat me quite poorly, for no reason.  I rationalized it the first few times but eventually it became too blatant to continue to tolerate.  All the BPD patterns were there in a way I could not see in the r/s when we were dating -- my experience was like yours, it was all great until he completely imploded it out of the blue.  And I could take him off the pedestal I'd put him on, which somehow the crazy breakup itself, and his seeking out his exgf soon after, hadn't managed to do.

I'm not recommending my course and I could not have pursued it at all without all that NC time first, which let me get a little bit of a buffer zone around my heart.  But I want you to know you are not alone if it does not just resolve in a few months, and I think this problem of having been left during the idealization phase with no warning does a special kind of damage.

[heyhey]

Dont know if this is of any help but my bdd is a body image disorder. There are days where I see myself as perfectly normal even attractive, then a day later I can absolutely lothe my appearance.  Its frustrating because the day before I was content with myself and then bang my mind switches to bdd mode and im miserable. I think to myself, what happened I was fine yesterday. I think this is kind of how a pwBPD mind works too. They can be completely fine with the relationship and then bang they are unhappy. While I dont like having bdd, it has helped me sorta understand the BPD mindset. Once that switch flips in the mind its hard to see reality. Its a mental illness and has nothing to do with you personally.

[leftbehind]

Thanks to everyone who took the time to post.  I appreciate it so much.  I spent time with a good friend today, and that helped a lot.  I feel as if I'm coming out of my trance a bit.  I find myself laughing at certain tv shows unexpectedly, so that's a good sign. 

This week I actually heard that someone made a complaint about my ex at my previous job.  I worked there first, then for a time we both worked there until I left when he broke up with me.  I won't go into detail, but apparently a couple of people there are starting to see through him.  I have to say that this made me feel vindicated to a certain extent.  It made me realize that people with healthier boundaries than I have see his behavior as inappropriate. 

I miss him, I love him, and I also realize that like bewildered2 said, there is no possible happy ending with this man. 

I think this is kind of how a pwBPD mind works too. They can be completely fine with the relationship and then bang they are unhappy.

Thanks heyhey.  That's a really good description of what happened.  I keep forgetting that it is a serious mental disorder, since in many ways it just feels like I was played. 

I think this problem of having been left during the idealization phase with no warning does a special kind of damage.

Yes, patientandclear.  That's it exactly.  That's why hearing how disordered my ex is acting at his present job is actually helping me a little bit.  I'm beginning to take him down off that pedestal somewhat.  I always believe information comes to us for a reason.

[leftbehind]

What I'm taking away from all this is it's time to totally accept and love myself.  If I fill that need myself I won't be so vulnerable to this type of person/relationship in the future.

[leftbehind]

I just want to say that yesterday was his birthday, and I maintained NC.  When I'm tempted to return his email that he sent me a week and a half ago with a genuine response, I remind myself that he lied to me about a bunch of things.  Why look for closure from someone who lies?  He'll only tell more lies that will further confuse and manipulate me.

This is one ex that doesn't deserve my friendship, based on the lies and how he broke up with me with no explanation, leaving me to doubt and blame myself for everything.

It's funny, because I am friends with three of my ex's. Genuine friends, with no "benefits".  If he had never lied to me and broke it off cleanly, my uBPDexbf could have been a friend.  But being friends with a liar is like hiring a thief for a cleaning lady -  not a good idea!

Self preservation must come before any feelings I have for him.  I have to care about myself more than him.  This is just how it has to be, although I still miss him so much.

[Bananas]

Way to go leftbehind!  Glad you were able to maintain NC!   

I am the same, on good terms with all my exes except the one.  Guess we have to change things up a bit when it comes to them. 

[leftbehind]

thank you, Bananas