about meds...

[Weird Fishes]

Hello again, board of wonderful helpful and insightful people,

So over the past few years I've made a lot of progress, but I'm kind of at a stalemate right now.  I am having trouble concentrating, and my anxiety, while not at the level it was at my previous job, is still rampant.   I'm also "depressed", I guess... . I don't really care about anything like I used to.  Motivation, beyond "you're supposed to do this", is nonexistent.

I saw a therapist last year and while she was open to writing me a prescription, she and I both came to the conclusion that my issues are cognitive and could be controlled with work.  But... . that isn't happening.  I've read a lot, but I'll, say, start doing exercises in a CBT book, and three days later forget the book exists til it has to go back to the library.  Nothing sticks... . I can't read ANY book for more than ten minutes without getting bored and usually it's more like about three paragraphs... . that is NOT the real me.

Also I have about 25 seconds of feeling peaceful when I wake up in the morning before anxiety rushes in and stays the entire day.  Those 25 seconds are real nice.   

I am supposed to be using this time to better myself professionally.  I work in a creative field but being creative has become so intimidating that I can hardly bring myself to do anything and often go to pieces when I try (this has been going on for years).

So I'm thinking maybe I need meds, which is... . big for me.  I do not want to do drugs of any kind, plus my family has a history of addiction. 

I used to be a type B who was very comfortable in herself (despite all my issues) and now I'm just... . this.  I'm wondering if anti-anxiety meds might be a solution short term.  If I could settle down long enough to rewire my brain... . but I don't know if that's how those drugs work     I also wonder if I have ADHD... . or if I'm just so anxious now that I can't concentrate any more.   

Who's had experiences with antianxiety meds?  How long did you use them and what other tools did you use while on them?

ADHD?  How were you diagnosed and what were your experiences with meds? 

[seeking balance]

well, let me jump in on this topic.

I thought meds were weak - yep I said it.  I white knuckled and thought I could rationalize my way around it.

One of my best friends (since we were 10) was watching me and finally said, SB - you are not snapping out of it.  Then went on to explain brain chemistry to me... . and I went on a low dose of antidepressants.   It was humbling, I had to do a lot of work on my own shame around it - but you know what - it helped me.

I continue to exercise, yoga, etc - but the little boost of taking 10% anxiety/depression away, over time - did wonders for me.

I have been off meds for a while now, and have absolutely no regrets in going on them.

Sometimes our chemistry is off after trauma - it doesn't mean you are not doing the work, it just means the chemistry is off.  Like my friend said, if you had high blood pressure and dieted for a year, but still saw no result, wouldn't you consider supplementing?  Kind of a reality check for me.

Yep, I wondered about ADHD too, but I don't any longer... . simply concentration is a symptom of low SSRI.  I don't really worry about that any longer... . well, unless I am PMSing.   

Good luck with whatever direction you choose.

Cheers,

SB

[Rubies]

Before you try medications, are you getting readily absorbable complete vitamins, amino acids, minerals and nutritional building blocks to rebuild and rewire your body and operating systems?  Are you eating nutritious foods free of neurotoxic chemical additives?

The results for DD and I are nothing short of miraculous.  I don't think I will fully recover my brain to where it was, and I think the ADHD is probably permanent, but I'm a functional truly happy person who is enjoying good health and my 2nd chance at life.   

DD with full supplements and organic diet moved her place on the autism spectrum from low function to high function aspergers.

After BPD relationships, I think we tend to demand too much of ourselves, push ourselves to overfunction, demand instant perfection... . Sounds familiar... . Hit the OFF button!  Look around, you're running circles around the Normals.

Rebuilding takes time, and it takes building blocks.  Make sure you are giving these to yourself.

[Weird Fishes]

Hi Seeking Balance,

Thanks for your input!  That is a hopeful story.  I'm glad you got things under control so well!  Did you have any side effects?

Hi Rubies,

My diet is pretty all over the place.  I do take supplements and am a vegetarian.  Sometimes it is really good, sometimes it's not the jam.  I do eat a number of fresh fruits and veggies but I hate to cook, so will often eat some boxed Trader Joe's  for dinner. 

As far as running circles around the normals... . that's kind of what my bf says!  But when it comes to my supposed profession, I'm a lazy (sober)burnout.  My friends in the industry work full time and come home to enthusiastically work on personal projects in the same vein and I just... . it exhausts me before I even start.  To get up to their level looks like a mountain I don't even care about climbing anymore.

Idk I am really good when I have a job or supervised task to complete... . I'm a great employee... . but left to my own devices I fall apart.