BPDex unblocked me on Facebook...

[Billa]

this morning, while posting in a mutual friend Facebook wall, I find out he has unblocked me, after three months of total NC on his part (I texted him once, last month but had no answer). I can't be sure about the reason, but I think he wants to get some kind of reaction from me, only God knows which. At the same time something  -just details, nothing more -is telling me that the idealization phase with the exGf he cheated on me with is coming to an end, so if I'm right, there'rs some kind of relationship between these two facts. Anyway, as it is normal, this thing is creating a lot of confusion -and expectations- in my mind... .

[connect]

Hi Billa

Good to see you posting again.

I have observed that 3 months seems to be the magic number. In r/s's with non BPD's the three month mark after NC also seems to be the point at which they will often re-connect with me. I have also predicted this for friends in similar scenarios and am so often right its untrue! So it looks like BPD's fall into line here the same way as a non does for once!  

I don't know why 3 months seems to be the magic number but in relation to nature it is the length of a season - I wonder if there is a link there sometimes! I may be away with the faeries on this opinion though!

It is though a time period where for a BPD person a lot can have happened for them emotionally.

I am not at all surprised he has done this - I suspected he would do something like this with you. He is testing the water. Getting you used to him being back in your life on some level perhaps to pave the way for further contact  - something I admit I want my b/f (ex?) to do with me right now! I think that when you get used to that he may drop you the odd message. He will be wanting to not look like the bad guy as they hate this when they really (eventually….) start thinking about it. You may need to start getting some plans in place for what you think you may do in different scenarios ie If he messages you, if he wants to be friends, if he wants to come to you for sympathy, if he wants you back, if he blocks you again, if he wants to talk.

How have you been feeling recently about your past r/s with him? Have things become any clearer for you? Where are you right now emotionally?

You went through a lot of heartache over him and I know this must be quite a shock to see him on FB today. You dont have to do anything at the moment – see how you feel. I know you loved this man a lot so its difficult.

I am not being very helpful I am sure – just asking some more questions

[stop2think]

Billa,

I would say just 'ignore'... . the more we try to decode any words or actions of theirs, the more we are dropping our defenses and 'giving way' to these heartless souls.

I know it often messes up our minds, but i think we had enough of it when we were with them to put up with the mind games they played. Stay strong and distract your energies.

To avoid all this and strengthen myself - i deactivated my FB a/c. I know he and his family must be feeling good to see me 'react' to his actions (got married recently) and taking pride in feeling 'superior' - i just don't care. I know i am weak and might be more hurt to see him happy with a wife and celebrations... . honeymoon pics etc... . I just want to focus on myself and take time to heal... .

Hope you get stronger, and find happiness... .

S2T

[Validation78]

Hi Billa!

I know it's hard to do this, because I still do it, and that is trying to figure out why pwBPD do anything. I want to stop that because most of it won't make sense to a healthy person anyway, so why do we waste time and emotion trying to figure them out?

Beyond that, do you want to maintain NC or are you open to the idea of some sort of contact? Let's not worry about what he wants, what do you want?

Best Wishes,

Val78

[Billa]

thanks, Connect, I know you care for me, as I care for you. Well, I'm still hurting very much, but i the last two or three days I was beginning to focus as it has always been all about him and his needs, all the r/s long and also after, I think. Well, I'm not going to do nothing but I really don't know how I would react in the cases you've mentioned above... . I'm so confused... . As for the 3 months cycle, as far as my ex is concerned, I think you're right, all his stages seem to last more or less a similar period: idealization, clinging, devaluation... .

[Billa]

Beyond that, do you want to maintain NC or are you open to the idea of some sort of contact? Let's not worry about what he wants, what do you want?

NC was never my choice... . I left the r/s  out of a reaction to the enourmous pain he was giving me and out of a burst of rage caused by the way he was using his ex-gf to hurt me, humiliating me. I know I made the right thing, but to be sincere I've never forgiven myself for it, as I was not ready to lose him yet. To tell the truth, I was used to him coming back t me, every time, so it was a shock, when he didn't.

[Validation78]

Only you can decide what is right for you. NC isn't for everyone. It's best for those who are sure they want to move on, and have no desire to recycle the relationship. If that's not where you are, that's OK. Nobody here would judge you for feeling that way!

If you think there's a chance to get back together, take it slow. If you think that unblocking you is a way of reaching out, why not sit back and see what happens next. I sincerely hope that it works out the way you want!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[Billa]

Only you can decide what is right for you. NC isn't for everyone. It's best for those who are sure they want to move on, and have no desire to recycle the relationship. If that's not where you are, that's OK. Nobody here would judge you for feeling that way!

If you think there's a chance to get back together, take it slow. If you think that unblocking you is a way of reaching out, why not sit back and see what happens next. I sincerely hope that it works out the way you want!

Best Wishes,

Val78

I really don't know, I'm in an awful mess... . the fact is that I interpreted being blocked on Facebook and Whatsapp as a way of making me feel totally deleted from his life, as I perceived it as an evidence of his hate for me.  So I was, and I still am, devastated. But I completely agree with you that sitting back to wait and see is the best choice. Probably, nothing will happen and this just one f his tricks.  Thank to you all for caring.

[laelle]

I find it helpful to take the attitude of "sit back and watch"

You have all the time in the world.

[Billa]

I find it helpful to take the attitude of "sit back and watch"

You have all the time in the world.

:-)

[MarcinN7]

NC was never my choice... . I left the r/s  out of a reaction to the enourmous pain he was giving me and out of a burst of rage caused by the way he was using his ex-gf to hurt me, humiliating me. I know I made the right thing, but to be sincere I've never forgiven myself for it, as I was not ready to lose him yet. To tell the truth, I was used to him coming back t me, every time, so it was a shock, when he didn't.[/quote]
Why would you want someone who hurt you so badly back in your life?

It sounds like his coming and going has become a norm for you in some time in your life. If you want something to change in your life you have to do something you never done before. Like cut out the possibility of him returning, ever.

My advice: block him everywhere you can and move on with your life so that this disaster will never hit you again.

[bpdspell]

Why would you want someone who hurt you so badly back in your life?

It sounds like his coming and going has become a norm for you in some time in your life. If you want something to change in your life you have to do something you never done before. Like cut out the possibility of him returning, ever.

My advice: block him everywhere you can and move on with your life so that this disaster will never hit you again.

It is ultimately your choice but I agree with MarcinN7. Why allow someone back into your life that has proven he's capable of humiliating you, triangulating (read definition) you, emotionally abusing you, and has proven that he could give zero ___s about your feelings? You were blocked for three months for heaven's sake.

I understand that we all get up from the table when we're full but we also teach people how to treat us. Loving someone does not mean we should give them permission to steam roll our hearts whenever they feel like it. We owe it to ourselves to have boundaries and lines that cannot be crossed.

Unblocking you on Facebook means exactly what you think it means... . it's slowly opening the door for a recycle... . but you really need to reconsider... . a person with BPD is simply untrustworthy.

[tailspin]

Billa,

If you spend time analyzing why your ex does this or that... . please just don't forget to analyze why you still care.

tailspin 

[Billa]

[

It is ultimately your choice but I agree with MarcinN7. Why allow someone back into your life that has proven he's capable of humiliating you, triangulating (read definition) you, emotionally abusing you, and has proven that he could give zero ___s about your feelings? You were blocked for three months for heaven's sake.

I understand that we all get up from the table when we're full but we also teach people how to treat us. Loving someone does not mean we should give them permission to steam roll our hearts whenever they feel like it. We owe it to ourselves to have boundaries and lines that cannot be crossed.

I know you're right, though, it is difficult to move on. But, as I wrote yersterday, I'm not going to do anything.

[Billa]

Unblocking you on Facebook means exactly what you think it means... . it's slowly opening the door for a recycle... . but you really need to reconsider... . a person with BPD is simply untrustworthy.

don't know exactly what his intentions are, but one of my best friend, a mutual friend he used as a hook to re-engage in January (after a break-up of 10 days, originated by false accusations of me bad-mouthing his ex-Gf at a birthday party), the same one he ignored in these last three months and put in the acquaintances list after our last break-up, has told me that three days ago he  suddenly began to text her on Whatsapp, as if nothing ever happened, just chatting . it can't be a coincidence. So I think she's no longer painted black and the same could be for me. I think he needs tro triangulate again, this time in the reverse direction, but, who knows for sure, as his mind is so twisted... .

[Billa]

Billa,

If you spend time analyzing why your ex does this or that... . please just don't forget to analyze why you still care.

tailspin 

good point, I know.

[Billa]

I have a lot of material to think about, thanks to you all.