how to prepare for custody evaluations

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Brief synopsis of my r/s with now xBPDH is met in 2/09, married in 11/09, had D3 in 05/10, and got divorced in 3/13.  We did a settlement for the divorce (option B was at-fault divorce proceeding against x).  He got a ton of cash and tons of other stuff, most of which he sold for cash.  We have a huge disparity of income.  He hasn't truly worked since 8/2011, and would like to keep it that way. Custody was not settled with the divorce.  He will only agree to 50/50 custody, b/c that is his ticket to hefty cs payments until she is 18, and ticket out of working.

We did manage to get a temporary custody order May 8th.  He gets 5 overnights out of a 14 night period, so it's about 2/3 and 1/3, with me getting the 2/3.   I am trying to arrange for every other weekend and one weekly overnight dinner for him as the permanent arrangement.

We had a pretrial conference yesterday.  The judge ordered custody evaluations.  L said we have to call and work out the scheduling.  Says it involves MMPI testing and evaluations of x, me, and D3 somehow.  I am not clear as to what will be done at this point.  In the 3 1/2 yrs that I lived with x, he drank on average 6-8 drinks per day (usually beginning in the afternoon and into the evening).  I am concerned about the alcohol and his personality, especially his explosive anger.

I need to know what to expect, what to do, how to handle these evaluations.  Oh, and of course, I have to pay for these too.  L says though we will ask the court to reallocate the cost, they probably won't because "you are a doctor".  Unbelievable, given that I just gave x ALL of my savings, giant tax return (earned by me), and another 20K that I had to borrow!  Yet people that don't know the story, etc, (ie the judge yesterday) still will feel bad for him.

Please start a discussion here with me about the evaluations... . THANK YOU!

[nowheretogo]

Brief synopsis of my r/s with now xBPDH is met in 2/09, married in 11/09, had D3 in 05/10, and got divorced in 3/13.  We did a settlement for the divorce (option B was at-fault divorce proceeding against x).  He got a ton of cash and tons of other stuff, most of which he sold for cash.  We have a huge disparity of income.  He hasn't truly worked since 8/2011, and would like to keep it that way. Custody was not settled with the divorce.  He will only agree to 50/50 custody, b/c that is his ticket to hefty cs payments until she is 18, and ticket out of working.

We did manage to get a temporary custody order May 8th.  He gets 5 overnights out of a 14 night period, so it's about 2/3 and 1/3, with me getting the 2/3.   I am trying to arrange for every other weekend and one weekly overnight dinner for him as the permanent arrangement.

We had a pretrial conference yesterday.  The judge ordered custody evaluations.  L said we have to call and work out the scheduling.  Says it involves MMPI testing and evaluations of x, me, and D3 somehow.  I am not clear as to what will be done at this point.  In the 3 1/2 yrs that I lived with x, he drank on average 6-8 drinks per day (usually beginning in the afternoon and into the evening).  I am concerned about the alcohol and his personality, especially his explosive anger.

I need to know what to expect, what to do, how to handle these evaluations.  Oh, and of course, I have to pay for these too.  L says though we will ask the court to reallocate the cost, they probably won't because "you are a doctor".  Unbelievable, given that I just gave x ALL of my savings, giant tax return (earned by me), and another 20K that I had to borrow!  Yet people that don't know the story, etc, (ie the judge yesterday) still will feel bad for him.

Please start a discussion here with me about the evaluations... . THANK YOU!

[marbleloser]

I'm sorry nowheretogo. I know how you feel. As far as the CE itself,I'd focus less on your X and focus more on what a good mom you are.Do your venting here or with friends/family instead so you don't risk looking like the "bitter spouse" to the CE.Don't hide his behavior if asked though.

If you've been keeping documentation like a journal,this will be a good time to use.It'll be time to bring out any photos of you and the kids doing things together.You'll need to paint a picture of life in your home with the kids to the CE.

"In the 3 1/2 yrs that I lived with x, he drank on average 6-8 drinks per day (usually beginning in the afternoon and into the evening).  I am concerned about the alcohol and his personality, especially his explosive anger."

I don't know if you'll get far with this unless he's been admitted to treatment,had DUI's,etc.,, When you bring up alcohol I think you can request testing for it.If he's been a daily drinker for years,it could show up in the tests.

[nowheretogo]

So what if I'm not someone who takes a lot of pics (I'm not).  Do I have to prove everything?

I still think it's bs that nothing is going to come of his drinking.  He did have a DUI in the past, and I am going to try to have that dug up for the custody hearing that will eventually take place after all of this.  He even drank while driving us around on vacations sometimes (but I guess I shouldn't admit that, because it can probably be used against me).

What about all of his ranting and raving in the house when we were together, and all of the parental aliention stuff that he did/does?  Should I just let her read my documentation from when he was there?  Does she not care about this, but only about our separate homes now?

How will D3 be evaluated?

[marbleloser]

"So what if I'm not someone who takes a lot of pics (I'm not).  Do I have to prove everything?"

No,you don't. It would just be more useful in a custody evaluation if you had it.

I'd definately get the DUI info,but you're right about admitting to him drinking while you were in the vehicle.His atty could say that you aware of his drinking and didn't have a problem with it until divorce.

Ranting and raving in the home could be useful if you have audio of it.Otherwise,it may make no difference,because people yell sometimes and that will be the defense.

Parental alienation could be a biggie,if you can prove it.From things I've read though,it's hardly given a glance.Almost like it's expected during divorce.

Most likely,the CE will setup a home study to see how you and D3 interact and watch what you two do together.

You're in a unique situation from most women.You were the primary breadwinner and he can claim that he was the primary caregiver since he wasn't working.

[nowheretogo]

He is claiming that he is the primary caregiver, however that is complete bs!  She went to FT daycare the whole 2 years that he didn't have a job.  She was home with him just as much as she was with me.  I ALWAYS did her bathing, her bedtime routines, doctor stuff, etc.  I ALWAYS cleaned up after any dinners he cooked.  I did just as much cleaning of the house.  He took care of the pool and mowed the lawn, but that is a minimal time requirement.  In addition, I have never worked nights or weekends since with him, and have always spent all of my time with her while I was home.  That was one of his big complaints, actually, that the kids were always with me.  And the yelling, it was every day!  In his distorted mind it was sometimes.  I do have some audio, which I am admitting here, but L said I probably shouldn't say that I have it because it is illegal in my state.  So I just have handwritten documentation.  Oh, I love this... . prove it, but don't record anyone... . what the heck?

[catnap]

Could the fact that he when seeking employment he claimed his availability as being limited to child care concerns be brought into it, when it was really not an issue?  I would hope a CE would be concerned that he has not worked a steady job for 2 years and the murky issues of why he lost his last FT job be brought up. 

[nowheretogo]

Catnap, I hope so.  He continues to use it as an excuse to only work PT... . and it's still bs!  He never got up in the morning to help me and S6, and it was only months after initially losing his job that he started taking D into daycare in the mornings, because she started sleeping later, and therefore he could take her in the morning without having to get up early.  Then he would no longer let me take her, saying she doesn't need to go, while I argued keeping her routine the same.  Up until then, I had always taken her in in the mornings, even when he wasn't working!  And furthermore, like you said, his job loss was pretty sketchy, and really his fault (although of course he blames me).  I NEVER agreed to him quitting and/or being a stay at home dad!  He is  not that kind of material!

Apparently the Judge did say something yesterday about he needs to get a more established job or something, but I have no faith in this crappy-a*s system.

[marbleloser]

I know nowhere. I'm just throwing out what the other will side say and use against you,so you'll be prepared.

"She went to FT daycare the whole 2 years that he didn't have a job.  "

Who took her to daycare and picked her up? Did they require a sign in/out sheet to be filled out every day?

If you did,that could be useful if you can get copies of it.

[nowheretogo]

I know.  I've heard it all out of his mouth already.  Like I said, we both took her and picked her up.  Although he did it more regularly after the divorce filing, no doubt to try to paint a pretty portrait of himself.  The sign-in and out is electronic.  I don't know how long back they keep them for, but she has ALWAYS gone full-time!  I will be requesting her attendance records for that purpose and also to show how he was not being consistent with her schedule when we had no custody order, keeping her out of daycare (in order to prevent me from getting her).

[marbleloser]

Good idea.If nothing else,you can assume his side will be requesting the attendance records as well.

[nowheretogo]

I hope he does.  Don't know why he would, other than he thinks that "daycare is bad for kids; they should be with their parents".  Should I have those records available for the CE or just for the custody hearing?

[marbleloser]

I would get them asap and any medical records you can get.You never really know if it will be useful,but better to be prepared than not.

I'm not sure if it will matter to the CE,but it could later if he claims something falsely and you have the attendance records to discredit his version of "truth".

If he says,"Our D was in my care all the time,so I should be primary", you'd be able to counter with this info.

I'd much rather have more info than I need,just in case.

[GaGrl]

Along with daycare and medical records, what about who took her for... .

Dental exams

Birthday parties with other children

Haircuts

Entertainment such as special childrens' shows (Sesame on Ice, etc.)

Shopping for clothes and shoes/fitting them appropriately

There are many things you can list that you do as a matter of course.

Also, it's good to hear that the CE will include MMPI testing -- it's very difficult for someone to fool that testing instrument.

[nowheretogo]

Why health records?  She has no health issues.  There is no way to prove that I scheduled all of her exams, and he did come along sometimes.

She has never been to a dentist, she just turned three.  I do need to schedule a visit now, though.

She has only had one haircut, and we were both there.

I was the only one who attended most of her music "programs" at the daycare.  Also brought the kids to other daycare hosted events, almost all by myself.

This is irritating me, thinking about all of these little things.  He would have been a terrible father/provider without me and my money.

I hope you're right about the MMPI... . I need to make sure that it is definitely administered.

[nowheretogo]

I don't know why, but I am starting to feel angry thinking about all of this.  I have worked full time all along.  I was a fully capable single mother (of then S3) and medical resident when I met him.  I am now a fully capable single mother and physician.  Since finishing residency and starting my FT physician job in 12/09, I have never worked nights or weekends because I value time for my children.  I recently went to an 80% position, for the same reason.  I still make plenty of money to support my family on my own.  Why should I have to pay for everything and then pay CS to ex, who doesn't want to work, when I can do and pay everything on my own?  He is unstable, he is an ahole, and he is mean.  Will the CE be able to get records from the marriage therapists that we saw?  We both saw one separately, and I still see mine.  I would love for them to be able to have those, but let me guess, if he says no, she can't have them, right?  I am going to start focusing on how I have been stable, consistent, and even, markedly so in comparison to ex.  Help me to keep my positive energy up!

[livednlearned]

Matt always provides a really overview of how MMPI testing works. I think that's the big piece you want to be focusing on -- understanding how that eval works and what the likely outcome might be. Your ex will have to attest to his drinking, if I remember correctly.

I also recall reading here that it's good to have photos of your kids hanging up, and artwork they may have done. I never had to go through a custody evaluation, so others will have to chime in on what other things to be aware of.

In general though, keep your anger in check, and don't treat the CE as the judge making a decision. Be the competent, professional person you are, and demonstrate what a great mom you are to D3.

[nowheretogo]

Yes, I am never openly angry with anyone, so that is good.  I have to just get those angry feelings out here, and with my T.  She is really good with helping me with the things I can't control that get me so frustrated, so I will use her to that end. I will also use her to practice as though I am speaking to the evaluator.  I do have pics of the kids up and artwork, and I recently put new pics up. 

Ex will lie about the alcohol, hide it all, say he never gets drunk, hardly drinks anymore, the DUI wasn't really real and isn't even on his record, etc... . I am  hoping he says "I have cut back tremendously" like he has said to me, because I think that is a big red flag statement.

I would love to hear Matt's MMPI testing discussion!  I have an idea of what it is like, and may actually have had to take one in med school to know what they are like, but can't remember for sure... . I am thirsty ofr everything you all can tell me about your experiences!

[GaGrl]

MMPIis greuling... . about 600 items, same as California Personality Profile and several other instruments. I have a lot of confidence in MMPI. You can authorize release of your counseling records to the CE but if stbx does not., won't do you any good.

The fact that you are at 80% hours for childres' benefit is excellent info to emphasize to the CE.

[livednlearned]

If your ex is like mine, he is so out of touch with his drinking that he'll paint himself into a corner. During his deposition, N/BPDx would say, "I quit drinking." Then my L would say for how long, and he would say, "Sometimes for weeks."

They think the kind of drinking they do is acceptable, and that you're the problem because you act like it's not normal. So when they get in a situation where someone is asking questions, they don't even know what to lie about.

So have no worries about him lying -- he will, but he won't know what to lie about. And everyone can tell. Spotting the alcoholic isn't all that hard.

What's difficult is that the courts might think he will control it. Drinking isn't illegal, and many people do it. So it isn't that he drinks that's the problem, it's that it changes his behavior to the point that he cannot possibly be the more capable parent. And that's harder to prove.

[ForeverDad]

When the CE see's your D3, likely the CE will be observing how D3 interacts with each parent.  I was really surprised, my CE wrote my observed behavior was better than ex's.  (My ex always seemed to look 'better' but the CE was both experienced and perceptive and saw past the surface behaviors.)

Tel the CE what you observed about his pattern of drinking and other poor behaviors that apply to parenting or affected D3.  It will (or should) make a far greater impact with the CE than with a judge.  A CE should be looking at the overall situation, a judge often only looks for whether there is anything significant enough to be 'actionable'.

[GaGrl]

Connect the drinking to the effect on your daughter and to his (in)ability to complete daily tasks.  Why was she suddenly late to preschool in the mornings and kept out at his whim?  Those attendance records connected to your concern about his drinking are important.

[catnap]

I would check if he has added his son to the drop off/pick up list at daycare. 

[nowheretogo]

oh, good points.  the inconsistency of her daycare hours when with him *could* be related to the drinking.  I know him never being able to get up in the middle of the night or in the morning to help with anything are.  And if he has added anyone, not just his son, to the drop off/pick up list, I would have to wonder why at this point, given his lack of a true job.  I am sort of wishing I had a PI on him this weekend, trying to capture that DUI, because he strangely hasn't called to talk to D3 last night or tonight.  At first I thought, oh, he didn't return my call to talk to her Thursday night, no big surprise b/c he is pissed about the pre-trial conference (that day) and the outcome of having to do evaluations.  Then I thought, he didn't call her last night, maybe he's just trying to make it look better, that he didn't return my call Thurs/evening it out so to speak.  But the two nights in a row is uncharacteristic (to this point), and I have to imagine that something is distracting him.

And no, drinking is not illegal, but drinking and driving is, and he may have to drive her somewhere some evening, every one of which he drinks.  This is why he has never wanted his kids involved in extra-curriculars, etc.  He got a DUI once, and is quite careful to not get one again.  Drinks mostly at his home, and has other people over there with him rather than go out *most* of the time.  I remember more than once when he came stumbling in drunk after being out with coworkers and having driven himself home from downtown (10-15 min. drive), people calling him and texting him to see if he made it, etc. Says he doesn't go to bars, because that is where all of the problems start, but has been out several times on weekends during the last few months while still living here, and even spent the night at someone else's place (someone he and friend met at the bar), because they wouldn't let them drive.  Hosted several parties at the house for his benefit, many of which he was drunk at (if not all).  But he still always stuck to the *fact* that I've never seen him intoxicated.  In addition, his D21 got intoxicated to the point of black out at one of his parties one time at about age 14!  He claims it wasn't his fault, because others at the party were giving her drinks without his knowledge.   She describes waking up in the bath tub, her dad and his gf at the time, pouring water on her, trying to wake her up.  To me, this one is huge, but let me guess, the courts will say that that was her (D21), not D3!

Both his D21 and S19 think drinking is a major problem for him.  S19 discussed this with me when I spent some time with him the weekend after ex first moved out of the house.  Worth mentioning to the CE? 

[nowheretogo]

I just realized that the CE assigned to my case is a licensed therapist, and not a PhD.  My attorney had always mentioned two names to me when this came up, one is the one we got, and the other one is a PhD.  I don't how/why the judge picked the one we got, but should I worry?  I think that she can have the MMPI administered still, but somehow under the auspices of psychologists who may do the interpreting?  It's probably too late, now, anyway, and I'm just going to worry about this (now other) thing that I can't control.

Oh, and I just check my email, and ex's L had my L contact me again, stating that ex is asking to "work something out about missing marital items that he wanted as part of the divorce settlement"!  he has some effing nerve!  This is because he asked for a lifejacket from my pool shed for D3 for when he takes her on his friend's sail boat and I told him to get his own.  I mean, I had to give him 65K with the settlement!  Shortly after the divorce he has mentioned several times about "not getting everything".  He got everything, and then tons of stuff that wasn't on his list of requested items, most of which as I previously mentioned he sold for cash.  I did not argue ANYTHING on the list of items he requested, including both of our vehicles at the time!  I had to go buy a car, and he still complains about how he got his car back with more miles on it and needing an oil change and repairs!  I am pretty sure I am not even going to contact my L back on this, because he already knows the answer is NO.  Let him sue me, if that is what he aims to do, because I feel like I have a decent counter suit given all the crap he took that WASN'T on the list.  Granted I don't have pictures or receipts for most of these things, but I don't care.  He'll at least have to pay to sue me.  He is just so maddening!

[marbleloser]

"I'm just going to worry about this (now other) thing that I can't control."

This is definately a problem of mine as well and when going through the court system,we have NO control.That's why I try to cover all bases and document like crazy.I can't control the outcome or the process,but I can prepare as best I can in case something unexpected comes up.

As for the lifejacket.Good grief! Don't even respond to your atty.They're simply wanting to make money on an insignificant item.

[ForeverDad]

There are good therapists and PhDs - and lousy ones.  A lot depends, not just on the certifications but on the person's experience, expertise and perceptiveness.  If your CE has a reputation for doing a solid evaluation, then you're probably okay.  But be aware they generally are reluctant to call one parent good and the other bad.  In most cases it's more subtle than that.

Mine saw multiple issues with my ex but focused on one - my ex's entitledness as mother and propensity to block my parenting - her inability to share.  On the other hand, my ex didn't have an issue with alcohol abuse, nor was she seeking more time hoping to get money.

[livednlearned]

There are good therapists and PhDs - and lousy ones.  A lot depends, not just on the certifications but on the person's experience, expertise and perceptiveness.  If your CE has a reputation for doing a solid evaluation, then you're probably okay.  But be aware they generally are reluctant to call one parent good and the other bad.  In most cases it's more subtle than that.

Mine saw multiple issues with my ex but focused on one - my ex's entitledness as mother and propensity to block my parenting - her inability to share.  On the other hand, my ex didn't have an issue with alcohol abuse, nor was she seeking more time hoping to get money.

If your CE is administering the MMPI, you will want a Phd. They (should) understand the instrument better, and I would imagine interpretation of results will be more informed by standards/ethics and bias. See if you can find out -- maybe it isn't something you can control, and that's probably ok. But if you can make a case for it, and get what you want, it will eliminate the doubt that someone less qualified was involved in the process.

Like FD says, you could have a Phd who isn't good, and a licensed therapist who is good, but some of it comes down to training and knowledge, not just experience.

My ex drank in the EXACT same way. He rarely went to bars because that eliminated the risk of DUI. It's good that his older kids have expressed concern. You can ask that he not drink during his custodial time with D3 -- that's a reasonable thing to ask for. I asked for that, and N/BPDx actually agreed. My L said that I would be expected to do the same, which pissed me off. I have NEVER been drunk and during my marriage, drank at the most 2 glasses of wine a month. I actually stood up for myself on that one, because my T said it was important for S11 to not develop phobias about healthy drinking. I wanted to be able to have a glass of wine and for S11 to see that yes, people can drink only one glass.

You won't be able to enforce the "no drinking" thing if your ex agrees, but it's a way to frame the issues, and it's a slippery slope for him. Once he agrees, it says that he acknowledges it's an issue. Then he needs to be squeaky clean until D3 is older, including his intake with the CE, any depositions or future court appearances. And if he drinks and drives with her, and gets pulled over, it shows that he has had a longstanding problem that has been recorded in court documents.

It's one of the things that made a huge difference in my case. I can't prove he drinks/drank with S11 in the house, but I can take advantage of the micro pieces of evidence that eventually all added up. And they did, like clock work.

[sfbayjed]

I am at the end of my second custody evaluation. I don't think there is much you can do to prepare except to try to make sure the kids are well rested. If you spend a bunch of time preparing a façade they will see right through it.