Rationalizing and Accepting... Why are they so far apart?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I've noticed a trend here... . I can post and respond to people's threads on here with all sorts of insight and rationale and helpful guidance.  Similarly, what I read from others makes so much sense and is so applicable to my relationship. 

And yet,

it is times like these, friday and saturday nights, where I wonder "what is she doing", "who is she with", "what is she up to".

Even when i know that:

-She has to live with BPD, I don't

-Whichever guy she is with (she dated guys concurrently... . twice with me.  When I ended things this last time she stayed with the other guy she was seeing) is going to suffer the same fate I did.  It's her, not me.

-My life is going to be so much simpler without her

-I have a lot of things going for me and should have no problem finding someone else


It's just the times when I am lounging, doing nothing, that she sneaks into my mind.

Why is it that I can make "sense" of this stuff but not move past it?

Starting therapy the 18th... . hope it helps

[Octoberfest]

I've noticed a trend here... . I can post and respond to people's threads on here with all sorts of insight and rationale and helpful guidance.  Similarly, what I read from others makes so much sense and is so applicable to my relationship. 

And yet,

it is times like these, friday and saturday nights, where I wonder "what is she doing", "who is she with", "what is she up to".

Even when i know that:

-She has to live with BPD, I don't

-Whichever guy she is with (she dated guys concurrently... . twice with me.  When I ended things this last time she stayed with the other guy she was seeing) is going to suffer the same fate I did.  It's her, not me.

-My life is going to be so much simpler without her

-I have a lot of things going for me and should have no problem finding someone else


It's just the times when I am lounging, doing nothing, that she sneaks into my mind.

Why is it that I can make "sense" of this stuff but not move past it?

Starting therapy the 18th... . hope it helps

[confetti]

I think that's just how our minds work with stimuli. We talk to these partners every day, fufill the days with them, drama surrounding them... . even if you take away the habitual parts, we've embedded these relationships into our routines and lifestyle.

In fact I'll bet that's the number one thing time fixes. It's just withdrawl.

Personally, I can't move on from the "figuring it out" phases, I am addicted to these new thoughts and views this break-up/healing has been producing. It really isn't the same as just making sense if it, but so long as that continues I believe we think about them all over.

I hope this helps, Octoberfest.

It may also be because you recently just heard from her the other day. You may not fully out of the detachment boat yet.

[Octoberfest]

I think that's just how our minds work with stimuli. We talk to these partners every day, fufill the days with them, drama surrounding them... . even if you take away the habitual parts, we've embedded these relationships into our routines and lifestyle.

In fact I'll bet that's the number one thing time fixes. It's just withdrawl.

Personally, I can't move on from the "figuring it out" phases, I am addicted to these new thoughts and views this break-up/healing has been producing. It really isn't the same as just making sense if it, but so long as that continues I believe we think about them all over.

I hope this helps, Octoberfest.

It may also be because you recently just heard from her the other day. You may not fully out of the detachment boat yet.

I think you are right, I think it IS withdrawl.

I also think you are right about having made contact with her.  On a positive note though, the contact I have had with her the past few times has not led to anything productive or healthy.  There was one about a week and a half ago that she said some things I really needed to hear, but past that it has been me talking about the realities of the situation and her accusing me of "making her feel like hit".  Funny how reality is an ugly thing for her.

So point is, I am weaning myself off of her.  I am not trying to make it work anymore.

[confetti]

I think that's just how our minds work with stimuli. We talk to these partners every day, fufill the days with them, drama surrounding them... . even if you take away the habitual parts, we've embedded these relationships into our routines and lifestyle.

In fact I'll bet that's the number one thing time fixes. It's just withdrawl.

Personally, I can't move on from the "figuring it out" phases, I am addicted to these new thoughts and views this break-up/healing has been producing. It really isn't the same as just making sense if it, but so long as that continues I believe we think about them all over.

I hope this helps, Octoberfest.

It may also be because you recently just heard from her the other day. You may not fully out of the detachment boat yet.

I think you are right, I think it IS withdrawl.

I also think you are right about having made contact with her.  On a positive note though, the contact I have had with her the past few times has not led to anything productive or healthy.  There was one about a week and a half ago that she said some things I really needed to hear, but past that it has been me talking about the realities of the situation and her accusing me of "making her feel like ".  Funny how reality is an ugly thing for her.

So point is, I am weaning myself off of her.  I am not trying to make it work anymore.

I know your story pretty well... . I really think it is just a withdrawl, not an inability to move on. You have the ambition and will to face the pain, and to learn from what it looks like? It gets hard but you're doing exactly what you need to be doing, Octoberfest.

[mermaidOZ]

Hi Octoberfest

I feel EXACTLY the same way.

I also am finding it really really hard to move past all the thoughts that come into my head.

2 weeks NC for me. 

I have had a long marriage before my exBPD and 1 or 2 serious relationships (normal) and they were normal breakups ... . I dont remember being stuck anything like I am now.

I think because of the nature of our BPD relationships - which lets face it - were very very different.  For me it was like a drug at first and I couldnt get enough - even when alarm bells started ringing.  If your were like me, I ended up putting up with more and more of his issues and unrealistic needs and expectations, threats and extreme jealousies, my boundries were pushed, yet I still wanted the "drug" - those amazing times or whatever it was.  Even when I managed to have the guts to ask mine to leave - I still worried that I was making a BIG mistake.  It was like cutting off my right arm in some way. Even though it was the most rational thing to do - for my health, finances, sanity, children, career, and every other aspect of my being... . it still felt wrong and painful.  These people have perfected the art of emotional manipulation... . I think that's what we have become used to and thats why we find it hard to move on.

So, I think it's normal we still think like we do.  I know in my case, its becoming less and less. My exBPD sent me a text yesterday... . first time in 2 weeks, and he has totally thrown me off centre.  I have not responded... . and I wrote here - and got some great support. After spending my day with my kids and having a little cry with a friend I do feel much better.

Support here has helped me so much... . my first ever experienne with on-line boards!

I hope that we all get past this quickly.  It weighs me down to... .   I am normally really optimistic and happy 99% of the time... . so I cant wait for these thoughts and feelings to end.  I'm also seeing a therapist next week !  Good luck Octoberfest on the 18th

[learningtowalkagain1]

Octoberfest, you are in no way alone - I too feel what you describe. I guess we have been conditioned by them. I am always expecting some form of contact from him - he has relentlessly pursued me until now. But even now he does not leave me alone for long - although this may change now he is getting so serious and spending so much time with the new one.

MermaidOZ, your situation sounds very similar to mine. I have never felt like this after a breakup - I know that for sure. And it was ME who instigated the breakup. But for me the re-enrolling and then obvious deceit after that breakup has brought with it additional trauma.

For me it was like a drug at first and I couldnt get enough - even when alarm bells started ringing.  If your were like me, I ended up putting up with more and more of his issues and unrealistic needs and expectations, threats and extreme jealousies, my boundries were pushed, yet I still wanted the "drug" - those amazing times or whatever it was.  Even when I managed to have the guts to ask mine to leave - I still worried that I was making a BIG mistake.  It was like cutting off my right arm in some way. Even though it was the most rational thing to do - for my health, finances, sanity, children, career, and every other aspect of my being... . it still felt wrong and painful.  These people have perfected the art of emotional manipulation... . I think that's what we have become used to and thats why we find it hard to move on.

I could have written this.

Seems a lot of us here are in withdrawal and processing mode.  Good luck with yours!

[laelle]

As I have been told, it take our heart a while to catch up with our brain.

[Bananas]

I've noticed a trend here... . I can post and respond to people's threads on here with all sorts of insight and rationale and helpful guidance.  Similarly, what I read from others makes so much sense and is so applicable to my relationship. 

And yet,

it is times like these, friday and saturday nights, where I wonder "what is she doing", "who is she with", "what is she up to".

Even when i know that:

-She has to live with BPD, I don't

-Whichever guy she is with (she dated guys concurrently... . twice with me.  When I ended things this last time she stayed with the other guy she was seeing) is going to suffer the same fate I did.  It's her, not me.

-My life is going to be so much simpler without her

-I have a lot of things going for me and should have no problem finding someone else


It's just the times when I am lounging, doing nothing, that she sneaks into my mind.

Why is it that I can make "sense" of this stuff but not move past it?

Starting therapy the 18th... . hope it helps

Replace she with he and that's me.  My head can figure it out. But not my heart.  I have been feeling this way for so long I have become conditioned to it.  I am  used to my stomach being in knots.  I have moments throughout the day where I am feeling really strong, but at the end of the day, every day, I feel rotten.