Scared of court.

[Antflea]

Hello all, I am in a situation of self doubt. I was married to my wife for 8 years and then she had an affair and completely changed. We have 3 kids and I have a step son. I fought for custody and got 50/50. She hated me and neglected the kids. She was with him for three years then came to me and said she made a huge mistake and he was abusing her. We got back together and all she did was bad mouth me behind my back and flirted and sexted on the Internet, paid no attention to the kids. The last straw came when she was recieving porn videos from the man she got rid of, sexting with an ex boyfriend, sexting with a stranger who was 30 years older and having another affair all in a month. I withdrew and stopped paying attention to her and she left. I am a stay at home dad, she works and I have the kids most of the time. I'm pretty sure my 5 year old was exposed to the porn. I have her personal journal talking about addiction to men, her inability to tell the truth etc. she has 10000 texts on her phone in three months. Lots more , I'm accused of dv, but she actually has hot me. I'm thinking of going for sole custody but I'm very scared. Help!  Sad thing I still miss her but she has all the symptoms of BPD and I am so tired

[ForeverDad]

So you were married for 8 years then divorced.  Did you remarry or are you still divorced?

If you never remarried, then perhaps all you'll need to to file Change in Circumstances to establish why you are seeking sole custody, or failing that, majority time.  Your history of majority parenting should help a lot.  Don't be surprised if the court doesn't care much about her 'adult' activities, the court usually focuses far more attention on the 'parenting' behaviors.

As hard as it is, you have to put yourself, the children and your parenting at the top of your priorities list.  Your ex is an adult, at least technically, so let her live her life wherever and face her consequences.

Just in case that journal helps, keep it and any other documentation you have in a safe place she cannot access and keep backup copies elsewhere - just in case.

[Antflea]

We are married, separated for three years. The journal says that once someone gets close she needs someone else, she says she cannot tell the truth and every person she was involved with since she was 19 abused her. It also has a weird statement. "Have you ever done anything so bad in your life and no one knows about it". The judge already has called her not credible and scolded her on the affair and where her mind was following the original breakup. She wrote a note to herself in January that she had suicidal ideation, depression, panic attacks and anxiety. The last three months we were together she drank at least two times a week.

[ForeverDad]

The only reason to get back with her is if you're confident she has changed significantly for the better.  Without intensive therapy for years, you can't expect any improvement.  As we say here, the past history is a strong indicator of the future.  Sadly, staying married is not a solution.  And going into a divorce "holding back your punches", being timid or not seeking what is best for the children is, in a way, self-sabotaging.  If you tried to be 'nice', likely your consideration would not be reciprocated.

"I still miss her"... . often the head is quicker than the heart in realizing what needs to happen.  For now, listen to your head, in time your heart will catch up.

[momtara]

Judges don't like kids to be around someone who is suicidal.  However, you never know how court will go.  Maybe have a few free consultations with attorneys.  If you are the stay at home dad, that usually works in your favor.  That said, courts these days are loath to give anyone complete sole custody.  They may still want her to have some visitation. 

[Matt]

Some keys to this... .

* Documentation.  For example, can you take a copy of the suicidal stuff?  Can you get documentation of all the sexting (though the court may or may not care about it)?

* As FD says, focus on your own health - physical and emotioial - and on the kids.  Cardiovascular exercise is important to manage stress.  Regular sleep hours for you and the kids.  If they're old enough to help around the house (mine started at 4) give them regular jobs.  My kids have been cooking dinner at least once a week since they were about 10.  Good for them - structure is important - and it may help you out a little too.

* Do you have a good attorney?

* Read "Splitting" by William A. Eddy.  And his web site, www.HighConflictInstitute.com.

* Counseling for both you and the kids is probably important, not to "solve" any "problem" - maybe neither you nor the kids really have any problems that need fixed.  But a good counselor can add a loto of perspective and help you as a single parent.  Also, when young kids are exposed to sexual material too soon, and without proper context, that can cause issues later;  I would let the counselor know anything like that, so over time she can explore for stuff that may need help.  (My adult stepson was exposed to sexual stuff at a very young age - I married his mom many years later - and it was cited in his psych evals as a likely cause of some of his problems as an adult.)

[Antflea]

Update, talked to lawyer today. She supports the idea of primary care to me with child support. Not 100% but very confident. Just using my positive stuff to file and wait for an attack from her in response then attack back with all my proof. Asking for to seek therapy for her Internet and sexting and affair issues. Feel a lot better, first lawyer I actually feel confident with

D

[marbleloser]

"Just using my positive stuff to file and wait for an attack from her in response then attack back with all my proof."

This is what I did.It worked well.Expect her (her atty actually) to answer with everything(your abusive,blah,blah) and asking for everything(not just the kitchen sink but the strainers too).

Don't attack back in email,text,etc.,, Wait for the depositions and discoveries.That's where all of that will be useful.

"Asking for to seek therapy for her Internet and sexting and affair issues."

Don't expect that to matter much.Judge will likely shrug his/her shoulders at that.

[Matt]

"Asking for to seek therapy for her Internet and sexting and affair issues."

Don't expect that to matter much.Judge will likely shrug his/her shoulders at that.

Yes, and you could look bad for suggesting it.  Men going through a divorce are often accused of being "controlling" - it's just a standard tactic for lawyers representing women - vague and impossible to prove or disprove.  You don't want to do anything to play into that... .

... . but there is a way to bring some objectivity to this.  You can file a motion - this is what I did - asking the court to appoint a Custody Evaluator - a Ph.D. psychologist who can administer objective psych evals to both parties.

My wife was diagnosed with "multiple psychological disorders" including BPD.  Then once that is established, you can find a ton of scholarly research - and maybe bring an expert witness - to establish that a parent with such a diagnosis adds a lot of risk for the kids.

It starts with a diagnosis, and that means having a Custody Evaluator appointed - needs to be a Ph.D. psychologist who will administer objective tests like the MMPI-2.

[Antflea]

Already had an assessment, she was shown to have lied or exaggerated in every test but still came through clean, borderline and histronic characteristics but the evaluater believed her so it was a wash. If she attacks, I have enough proof of her crazy behavior, physical abuse, fraud, letting my 12 year old drive two years after he ran into my daughter with the car under her supervision, affairs, porn so on and so forth. If she doesn't attack, I have most the chips just hope I don't get screwed on the river. My lawyer also said that our judge never gives a decision that makes a person say huh, that makes no sense. He is one of the top 3 judges in our province and there is a reason for that plus he doesn't like shared custody so I'm the better choice for joint with primary.

[Matt]

Objective testing or somebody's opinion?

[Antflea]

Court appointed. My wife is very good at what she does. The evaluator actually told me that kids always pick their mother, knew I was screwed then

[Matt]

What I'm asking is, was the assessment based on an objective test like the MMPI-2?

Or was it the evaluator's subjective opinion?

Subjective opinions are a dime a dozen.

The MMPI-2 is designed to identify liars.  My wife's results showed she "presented falsely" (that is, lied).  Right there in black and white, along with the diagnosis.

I would strongly suggest you look into how to get both parties evaluated using the MMPI-2 or another equally proven objective instrument.

[Antflea]

Yes that test was done along with 4 or 5 others but she ignored the lies. All she said is that my wife would sabbatage her happiness a lot and she was a dependent personality. It is subjective if you ignore the results of the test and if you are biased, the test will read the way u want them to

[Matt]

You can subpoena the test results and give them to a competent psychologist for a diagnosis.

The results are properly interpreted "blindly" - that is, they are sent to a company that knows nothing about the person who took the test, except her age and sex.  That way, the results are what they are, including the scale that assesses "false presentation".

Your lawyer should know this stuff.  You might need to find one who understands this aspect.

[scraps66]

You can subpoena the results and have a competent, respected Dr. evaluate the interpretation of the results.  this person should be qualified and have positive history with the court.  should not be someone that is an unknown.  In some cases it may take deposing the expert in front of a judge to influence the judge to use the recommendations and info in the report. 

[Matt]

You can subpoena the results and have a competent, respected Dr. evaluate the interpretation of the results.  this person should be qualified and have positive history with the court.  should not be someone that is an unknown.  In some cases it may take deposing the expert in front of a judge to influence the judge to use the recommendations and info in the report. 

Yeah, exactly.  That's what I mean by an "objective" test... .

Here's how it works with the MMPI-2:

* Costs about $500 each.

* Takes an hour or two.  About 500 items - each one ranges from "Completely false" to "Sometimes true and sometimes false" to "Completely true" (or something like that).

* The computer looks at groups of items, scattered through the test.  One group of items makes up the "Narcissistic" scale, and you get a Narcissitic score.  Another group makes up the "Borderline" scale, so you get a Borderline score.  Etc.

* There are, if I remember correctly, 3 different "truth" scales.  So there are 3 numbers that say, "Antflea presented truly" or "Antflea presented falsely" or "Antflea presented somewhat truly and somewhat falsely".  If you try to fool the test, these scales will say "Antflea presented falsely" - that's what happened with my wife - but the rest of the test will still give accurate scores on all the other scales.

* There are about a dozen scales altogether.  So you get scores on each type of personality disorder.  Your score might be in the "disorder" range (very high);  or it might be in the "traits" range (somewhat high);  or it might be in the "normal" range (low - where most peoples' scores are).

* These scores are objective!  That means, they can only be interpreted one way.  The test is sent to a company to do the scoring, and the only information that company has is your age and sex.  They send the results back - it's done by a computer and gives a result for each scale:  "Narcissism - disorder", "Borderline - traits", etc.

* You could send it to ten different companies for scoring, and the results would be exactly the same - no differences at all - unless one of the companies made a mistake, which is very unlikely - it's very simple and done by a computer.

* The psychologist then is legally obligated to communicate those results to you accurately - "Mr. Antflea's scores showed normal for Narcissism, Borderline traits, and normal for all the other scales.  The results show that Mr. Antflea presented truly."  Again, if ten different psychologists reported your scores, by law they would all be required to report them the same (though they may present them in a different style - written into a report, or reported separately, for example.)

By this method, there is no place to hide.  If she has BPD or another psychological disorder, it will become part of the court record.

Keys are:

* Objective testing - MMPI-2 or something equivalent.

* Both parties' results shared with both parties.

* Follow-up to understand the long-term impact on the kids.  This will mean some research on your part, to prove that the other party's psychological issues (assuming she has some) put the kids at higher long-term risk than if they are with a healthier parent.

* It may be necessary to bring an expert witness to testify about this, if you go to trial.

[Matt]

So in our case, the psychologist decided to write a report - the result of all his work - and include the MMPI-2 results in that report.  He did not list each of the results in detail (as I wish he had).

My results were something like this:

Mr. Matt's MMPI-2 results show no psychological disorders or traits on any of the scales, and they indicate that he presented truthfully.  His psychological profile has significant correlation to addiction, putting him at high risk for substance abuse, but there is no evidence that he is currently using or abusing any substances.  It is recommended that he continue with his current counselor.

My wife's was something like this:

Ms. Matt's MMPI-2 results indicate multiple psychological disorders consistent with observations and other evidence.  The results also show that Ms. Matt's presented falsely.  It is recommended that she obtain psychotherapy to address these issues.

That's it - not nearly as detailed as I wished.  If I had it to do over again, I would subpoena the detailed results, but in my case, the trial date was coming up fast, and we were able to reach a settlement which has worked out fine.

In your case, I would strongly suggest that you put into your motion that the full results will be disclosed to both parties, and plan for enough time between obtaining the results and the trial date - even though you may settle without a trial - so that if necessary you can research the likely impact on the kids of whatever is indicated by the test results.  For example, in my case, if I had time, I could have shown a ton of scholarly research, and brought in an expert witness, to prove that if my wife got primary custody, that would dramatically increase the risk that the kids would be subject to various problems by adulthood - substance abuse, depression, etc. - as the result of being raised by someone with my wife's psych profile.