Broken & conditioned - trauma one month after finding new woman.

[learningtowalkagain1]

OK, so it is now a month yesterday since I found myBPDxbf (of 2.5 yrs) with a new woman after working to hook me back into contact for weeks after a bust-up. I eventually let him back in the door and we spent the night together where he professed how there was no one, I was the only one for him and how much he missed and loved me all 48 hours before I found him with the new woman (looking pretty comfortable together) and he told me he was calling the police.

He kept up the texts a couple of times a week just "Be strong" type of stuff, and this week sent one a little more final - "Thanks for all your caring etc" Also this week I see him and new woman twice and realize he as assimilated her into his large family. (I lost my parents, got cut-off from family, divorced and x hubby got a new gf all just before I met my BPDbf so was sitting duck. He came with family and hooked into my abandonment and grief with support and intense connection.) I now know she has been staying at his pretty much every night and seems available during the days. (No kids to distract her from him like I have!)

I still don't really understand why I can't stop thinking about him and why it all hurts just so bad. Before he moved onto another woman I was hoping he would find someone and leave me alone. In the past we have had many breakups, some lasting 6 or 8 weeks and I have been relatively fine and continued on with my life and tried to rebuild myself. Unfortunately at some point I would crumble and let him back in. I have not heard from him since Wednesday when he dropped of some mushrooms at my back door so I went and saw him to say 'goodbye' briefly which I mentioned in another thread under "I think I am losing grip?". I really do feel like I have descended into some insanity. I can't stop thinking of him with her saying all the things he said to me, looking deeply into her eyes, making lots of passionate love and spending all possible moments of the day/night with each other. As he gets more into the relationship with her he has no time think of me. I am now painted black and discarded. I am following some of the suggestions I have found on this site, like everytime I catch myself ruminating I pinch my ear and call him a silly name. It is tough. I am doing it tough. It is a holiday weekend here and while people are out enjoying themselves, I am house bound, depressed and anxious unable to concentrate on my work.

When I did see him on Wednesday he was sure to ask me not to turn up unannounced at his. I now realise that is because she is there all the time.  What I find hard is that he had no problem turning up at mine for 2.5 years unannounced whether we were together or not. Because of this, whenever I hear a noise I am STILL conditioned to thinking he is here although I know he wont turn up now. He also stalked me at my gym, the local shops, etc or just passed me driving the opposite direction. He was always around. I am continually looking out for him. I am conditioned to expect him to appear or text out of the blue. It is stressful, crippling, traumatic. So I guess he has finally deserted me. And while, I am blessed for that, and relieved. But somewhere primal and deep I am broken, damaged and shattered by the deceit around his desertion. The lies. The unfairness of him now having such a wonderful time on with his next relationship after rebuilding his life, in love, seeing her every day, completely social, careless in honeymoon period of love.

[connect]

I am so sorry that this is going on for you.    I have been following your posts and feeling your pain.

You are dealing with many wounds here - the family one I can see is hurting too - you were treating his family as your own after your past. It must be very hurtful.

I can relate to the family stuff as I too lost my parents in my thirties and have always attached myself to other peoples parents afterwards. I did/tried to do this with my b/f's (ex?) family but last night his mum was pretty cold to me and made me feel I had been dumped by her as well as her son. I have also now lost the close r/s with his 4 year old and that adds to all this pain too. He presented himself as someone with a family unit who wanted to share his life - I really wanted that too. I don't think he knows how vulnerable I am around this stuff too and how much it meant.

I don't know what to say as I know the rawness of this feels unbearable. I just wanted to drop by and say hang in there. Keep posting. That's what I am doing atm.

[Rose Tiger]

You are hurting at a very deep primal level right now.  I can tell you that it will get better so don't think you are going to feel this way forever.  You won't.  Like you said, he came into your life at a point where you were receptive to his attention, he filled a lots of needs.  He helped you from focusing on painful things.  He was a stopgap for the pain.  Now is your opportunity to discover a lot of things about yourself, this is a time of learning how to meet those needs yourself so that you won't depend on another person to do it for you.  You are on the verge of an incredible growth spurt in your life. 

I know that doesn't help a whole lot when it just hurts so dang much right now.    He is hurting you bad and he is a fool to do so.