What to do when... (trying to find my place)

[Depression = 72% of members]

What to do when... .

When you finally understand the "whys" of the confusing relationship because of learning and understanding BPD

When you finally stop expecting anything

When you stop hanging on to every word that was said to you

When you finally take responsibility for your actions in the relationship

When you stop being the victim that everything was his fault

When you stop being so angry

When you accept that your ex decided to stay with the gf (whom I was recycled with countless times)

When you stop try to changing him

When you stop trying to change everyone and the world

When you stop trying to help him

When you finally start taking care of yourself

BUT... .

This man is also the father of my child, who is a very involved parent, who I see at every sport game, every school function (she has a lot of those she is a very involved student) but mainly who is at EVERY doctor's appointment (she has a lot of these at well because of her medical history) and because of the things we have been through with her medical history it is a bond we share and a person I constantly have to work with and rely on.  And because of these things I have a hard time filling that bond with others around me because they truly do not understand or can relate to me and the hardships.

When you watch your child go through things as she did and still does you try to make the best of every struggle.  That means many days after the appointments (that we travel to) we grab lunch, dinner, etc.  Try to put a smile on her face and we do whatever it takes after watching her hurt physically and emotionally.  You know how some divorced parents may come together on their kid's birthdays, say at a birthday party?  Well we have those days so often, it is almost like we put the reality of life on hold, on pause just for that day ... . yet when there are so many of these days it truly is a reality too. 

AND... .

When the day is over he goes his way and me and my daughter come home (and now that I understand BPD), I then watch my daughter at home struggle with her emotional dysregulation.  She too, like him, you would never know something was wrong but she meltdowns when she is home.  Her feeling alone, no one loves her, I don't love her, her anger, and the constant up and downs with me ( I am either the best or worst mother) and her friends. etc.  And I just sit there thinking... . why! why! why!

SO... .

When I am intelligent and self-aware enough to understand how to feel better for myself yet always feel this overwhelming dread of being stuck... .

Where does that leave me?

Where do I fit in my own life amongst friends, etc.?

How do I ever let go of the feelings that I have for him when I am constantly in a state of entanglement?

How to I ever get past the place I am in?

How do I ever truly heal?

How to stop feeling like I am always back and square one?

How to not feel hopeless after understanding the relationship and then to turn around  and see my daughter is the same?

How do I stop feeling like a victim to a disorder that isn't even mine?

How to feel TRULY happy?

When I am always feeling like I am "detaching" yet my heart is always "staying" and I am "parenting after the split" and "supporting a daughter" and I am constantly "building a new life"... .

Which board is my home here? 

So this is me in a nutshell.  I have touched up on a lot of these things in the different places here. Here it all is in one place which was very hard for me to have the courage to do so. 

[changingme]

What to do when... .

When you finally understand the "whys" of the confusing relationship because of learning and understanding BPD

When you finally stop expecting anything

When you stop hanging on to every word that was said to you

When you finally take responsibility for your actions in the relationship

When you stop being the victim that everything was his fault

When you stop being so angry

When you accept that your ex decided to stay with the gf (whom I was recycled with countless times)

When you stop try to changing him

When you stop trying to change everyone and the world

When you stop trying to help him

When you finally start taking care of yourself

BUT... .

This man is also the father of my child, who is a very involved parent, who I see at every sport game, every school function (she has a lot of those she is a very involved student) but mainly who is at EVERY doctor's appointment (she has a lot of these at well because of her medical history) and because of the things we have been through with her medical history it is a bond we share and a person I constantly have to work with and rely on.  And because of these things I have a hard time filling that bond with others around me because they truly do not understand or can relate to me and the hardships.

When you watch your child go through things as she did and still does you try to make the best of every struggle.  That means many days after the appointments (that we travel to) we grab lunch, dinner, etc.  Try to put a smile on her face and we do whatever it takes after watching her hurt physically and emotionally.  You know how some divorced parents may come together on their kid's birthdays, say at a birthday party?  Well we have those days so often, it is almost like we put the reality of life on hold, on pause just for that day ... . yet when there are so many of these days it truly is a reality too. 

AND... .

When the day is over he goes his way and me and my daughter come home (and now that I understand BPD), I then watch my daughter at home struggle with her emotional dysregulation.  She too, like him, you would never know something was wrong but she meltdowns when she is home.  Her feeling alone, no one loves her, I don't love her, her anger, and the constant up and downs with me ( I am either the best or worst mother) and her friends. etc.  And I just sit there thinking... . why! why! why!

SO... .

When I am intelligent and self-aware enough to understand how to feel better for myself yet always feel this overwhelming dread of being stuck... .

Where does that leave me?

Where do I fit in my own life amongst friends, etc.?

How do I ever let go of the feelings that I have for him when I am constantly in a state of entanglement?

How to I ever get past the place I am in?

How do I ever truly heal?

How to stop feeling like I am always back and square one?

How to not feel hopeless after understanding the relationship and then to turn around  and see my daughter is the same?

How do I stop feeling like a victim to a disorder that isn't even mine?

How to feel TRULY happy?

When I am always feeling like I am "detaching" yet my heart is always "staying" and I am "parenting after the split" and "supporting a daughter" and I am constantly "building a new life"... .

Which board is my home here? 

So this is me in a nutshell.  I have touched up on a lot of these things in the different places here. Here it all is in one place which was very hard for me to have the courage to do so. 

[laelle]

Hey, I didnt have kids with my exbf so I can not give you any advice, but wanted to offer you a  .  I cant begin to imagine how hard that must be for you.

I am sure others here that are in a similar situation will respond.  Just wanted to let you know that I'm sorry for your pain.

[marbleloser]

I'm in a similar place Ct.It makes things a little more difficult when children are involved,because we still have to interact with the ex.It would be nice to just disengage and move on with life,but we can't.We will forever be attached to them in some way because of the kids.

I use a few boards here,including the "divorce" board.Nothing wrong with you using more than one.They each have their place and I've found that there is good reason for each of them.

It sounds like you've accepted the reality,but are having problems finding your place.This can be an exciting time.You get to change your life and point it in the direction you want it.You aren't tied down by him any more.You also have to find yourself,without him in the picture.

This is normal.Most who divorce or split up from a long relationship go through this.The healthy ones anyway.An unhealthy person would simply jump into the next relationship.

You sound like you're doing a great job with your kid.You're putting her first.This doesn't mean that you stop living though.Go out with friends when you can.Don't feel guilty for taking a day to yourself.Baby steps ct.One day at a time.

[catsprt]

Changing Times - Are you familiar with the "before" and "after" advertisements for laundry soap? Then you probably know that there is no such thing in our life... . It is more like learning to walk again and going through all the stages (in our case grieving and managing our life). Do I advocate no to " think about it" ? Yes if that means living in the present and focusing on what "is" now. Years ago, I had this wonderful idea of a family for my children, but it did not work and to top it, my ex is more versed in the concept of family than he ever was in over ten years... . I will not go into details regarding the talk before having children because it belongs to the past. Learning to walk again means dealing with the obstacles on the road when I meet them, scratching my knees, getting lost and also getting used to being alone for the road. But it does not mean being lonely ... . Take care. C

[catsprt]

Sorry, I may not have answered any of your questions ... . Chances are, you will be the one making sense of all this, one step at a time.