others are starting to see through his facade - finally

[leftbehind]

I've written this elsewhere, but felt like starting a thread in the vein of, "They're not doing as well as we might think post breakup."

While we were together, my uBPDexbf started working at two of the places I worked.  He actually asked me to help him get into this field more, as I've been in it for many years, and he wanted to start part time in the same profession.  

When he broke up with me, I cut ties at both places, even though I'd been at one for many years, and the other was a connection I'd made about 2 years prior.

Now I've heard from someone who still associates with one of these places that there has been a complaint made against my ex for unprofessional conduct. It's not a formal complaint and doesn't involve any legal action.  But it does involve inappropriate touching, unprofessional demeanor, and a general "he doesn't know what the heck he's doing" comment about his work.

The owner, who was my friend and employer for years, took his side in the dispute, just as she took his side when he broke up with me.   But in a round about way I've heard that three people associated with the establishment feel he doesn't have the proper training to do what he's doing, and that he shouldn't be doing it.

What he's involved in is something I don't even attempt, because it involves special skills and training, and is a specialty all on it's own.  But he's winging it, and adding it to his other list of services.  My guess is he's mirroring the other people who work there that are properly trained in this skill, and has convinced himself that he has a natural ability for it.

I have to admit that I felt vindicated when I heard about this a few days ago.  I'm so glad someone else (three others) have begun to see past his facade. Unfortunately the owner is still blinded by his charm, and when I was dating my ex there was a lot of jealousy from her because she admitted being in love with him. Now she has him all to herself, although she is much, much older than him so she's more of a friendship/source of income host for him, while he pursues other women closer to his own age on the side.  But he plies her with compliments, calls her "gorgeous", "beautiful", and tells her he loves her with every conversation.  So he definitely knows how to keep her hooked, and in the dark about his real nature (just like I was in the dark).

I'm also hearing that my ex flirts with everyone at this work place, even the men.  This was one bone of contention in our relationship that I actually felt bad about. He was a huge flirt and it would trigger me, then I'd apologize for getting upset or angry and try so hard to work on my own issues of insecurity and jealousy.  But to hear it validated by an outside source, that not only does he flirt with everyone, but that he is even acting inappropriately  with clients makes me feel that maybe my feelings of being disrespected by him were valid.  I tried so hard to own my issues and work on them. I blamed myself for a month solid after the breakup.  It was only when I uncovered some of his lies that I realized I wasn't at fault.  I never lied to him about anything, never hid anything, never kept an ex or a possible love interest in reserve.  But now I realize that like so many BPD people, this was a way of life for him.  Just like charming people to get opportunity/attention/sexual favors is for him.  



Today is his birthday, and I'm continuing to go NC.  Thanks for listening.

[VeryFree]

Recently something similar happened in my life. The first month of our separation I took my distance from mutual friends/activities. I told the persons concerning it was better for me and the shared compassions/friends that we wouldn't work together or see each other.

That meant a lot of silence from mutual friends. It felt like I was abondoned by everybody. I understood, because it was my own choice, but still... .

Right now some people are coming back to me. I'm hearing things that she's irritating a lot of people.

On the one side I feel some relieve (it wasn't all about me), but on the other side I really feel sorry for her: I don't want her to feel bad.

Strange emotions.

[leftbehind]

I went through that too - not wanting him to feel bad.  But I also see that it's the only way he'll ever learn. But I must admit, it's helping me to detach.  He had me fooled for quite a while.  I'm glad someone else is seeing through his act.

[leftbehind]

Plus I feel a little bit vindicated because I suffered a loss of income because of him (I chose to leave the job to avoid seeing him). The ex before me lost her apartment to him, even though it was hers first.  On the surface he's the sweetest guy ever, but in reality it seems that the BPD makes him morally ambivalent about a lot of things.  It's always someone else's fault.  He's always the victim, even when it's actually the other person that ends up losing. 

Anyway, I just wanted to vent a little here, where it's safe and where people don't judge.  Part of me is thrilled that he got called out, but when I connect with the deeper emotions I feel sad. I still love him, and I still miss him every day.

[VeryFree]

I understand your feeling.

Right now I'm facing:

- charges for DV, but it wasn't me who was violent.

- alimony for about 1/4 of my income.

- a big extra financial claim due to her falsifying documents.

Hard to stay rational, hard to keep things together, but I'm still standing.

[leftbehind]

Sorry you're struggling with so much, veryscared.  It's incredible the way they can twist things around.