Lifelong issues- can they ever be overcome?

[Mabel]

Hi everyone,

A few months ago I made a few posts in the run up to my departure from living with my uBPDm. As planned I have moved abroad to begin a new life. To avoid having to re-read my posts, the brief summary is that I am (now) 25 years old, an only child, and my uBPDm was a single parent. At the time I was fearful my uBPDm may become violent for the first time in the face of my perceived abandonment, but thankfully that never came to pass.

The first few months in my new country were beautifully overwhelming and I relished in the freedom I had dreamt of my entire life. Now that I have truly settled in things are still good, but I am haunted by the after-effects of my childhood. A part of me thought that once I got away, many of my issues would be left behind in that dark sinister house. However with great sadness I have come to accept that the ghosts of the 24 years I spent there are irrevocably a part of me. Still each day I have that horrible, deep, indescribable emptiness that fills me. For so long I ascribed it to living within her circle of influence, and the realisation that it's here to stay is horrifying. My first clear memory of that feeling is when I was about 5 years old, and the fact it has persisted, literally daily, for 20 years seems so unjust. There is just such a deep sadness in my soul; all that seems left from the neglected child who couldn't make sense of the daily madness.

Of course all of this is internal. Externally, I have always been a rational and calm person, most likely almost bordering on cold. In fact my feelings are most definitely blunted and my emotions undoubtedly underdeveloped. I have no time for people past polite quasi-friendships; no desire to get close to others because after emotionally raising myself I am entirely self-sufficient. Forming bonds with people naturally leads to feelings, which I am deeply uncomfortable merely experiencing as I never know which are justified and which are not. I will never have a child, a decision many could not understand, yet perhaps here some will. For many reasons I honestly have no inclination towards doing so. One of them is that I know in my heart of hearts I do not have within me the emotional reservoir that every child deserves. I would never introduce an innocent child to a lacking environment just because it is the "natural thing to do". While it is an objectively sad decision, I do not feel very sad. I am glad that I will never be responsible for making a child feel the way I felt.

I have gone through periods of anger where I'm enraged at all I have lost. I have wondered what kind of person I would be had I somehow been taken out of that environment at a young age. I honestly cannot even fathom it. I think many of us here must have wondered the same thing.

I know this is an uncomfortable and dark post. I am not sure what I hope to gain by writing it. I know some of you may suggest a T, and I wholeheartedly agree as I have been before and made good progress. But I believe that some aspects of what happened to us when we are young can never be undone. The mechanisms we develop during those dark years serve us well then but often don't translate well to adult life. I have tried to rewrite as much of those now-faulty mechanisms as I can. But honestly the sad part is, I think I've come as far as I can in that process. Don't get me wrong, I have a good life. I'm in a field I love, in a nice environment, am financially independent, but I think that's as much as I can do. I can never get rid of the hollow emptiness, of the memories, of the stunted emotions, of the need to block out pain in unhealthy ways. In many ways I feel like half a person. This feeling has intensified over the past few years. I really lost something in my last 2 years living there. Something inside me broke during that time and it really does break my heart. It's like I held on for as long as I could and then a part of me, tired of waiting for a freedom that never came, just gave up and died.

Can anybody else relate to anything I've said? I would love to hear your thoughts.

Thanks,

Mabel

[Kwamina]

Hi Mabel,

I can relate to many parts of your story.

A part of me thought that once I got away, many of my issues would be left behind in that dark sinister house. However with great sadness I have come to accept that the ghosts of the 24 years I spent there are irrevocably a part of me. Still each day I have that horrible, deep, indescribable emptiness that fills me. For so long I ascribed it to living within her circle of influence, and the realisation that it's here to stay is horrifying. My first clear memory of that feeling is when I was about 5 years old, and the fact it has persisted, literally daily, for 20 years seems so unjust. There is just such a deep sadness in my soul; all that seems left from the neglected child who couldn't make sense of the daily madness.

This is something I really struggle with too. When I managed to escape from my uBPD mother I also thought things would just get better. I've come to realize that it unfortunately doesn't work that way. Getting away from her was just the first step in a long process. That emptiness you describe is something I find difficult to deal with too.

I will never have a child, a decision many could not understand, yet perhaps here some will. For many reasons I honestly have no inclination towards doing so. One of them is that I know in my heart of hearts I do not have within me the emotional reservoir that every child deserves. I would never introduce an innocent child to a lacking environment just because it is the "natural thing to do". While it is an objectively sad decision, I do not feel very sad. I am glad that I will never be responsible for making a child feel the way I felt.

I actually understand why you feel like you don't wanna have children. After all the things we experienced growing up, it's quite understandable that you don't want to inflict the same pain onto someone else. Maybe in time you'll think differently about this though... .

I have gone through periods of anger where I'm enraged at all I have lost. I have wondered what kind of person I would be had I somehow been taken out of that environment at a young age. I honestly cannot even fathom it. I think many of us here must have wondered the same thing.

Accepting how we've been damaged and changed by our abusive parents is very hard indeed. Not too long ago I posted about my struggles with letting go of the life I never had. I still find it very hard to accept how my life has been negatively influenced by my mother's behavior. As a child I felt powerless and looking back I experience this sense of powerlessness all over again.

But I believe that some aspects of what happened to us when we are young can never be undone. The mechanisms we develop during those dark years serve us well then but often don't translate well to adult life. I have tried to rewrite as much of those now-faulty mechanisms as I can. But honestly the sad part is, I think I've come as far as I can in that process. Don't get me wrong, I have a good life. I'm in a field I love, in a nice environment, am financially independent, but I think that's as much as I can do. I can never get rid of the hollow emptiness, of the memories, of the stunted emotions, of the need to block out pain in unhealthy ways. In many ways I feel like half a person. This feeling has intensified over the past few years. I really lost something in my last 2 years living there. Something inside me broke during that time and it really does break my heart. It's like I held on for as long as I could and then a part of me, tired of waiting for a freedom that never came, just gave up and died.

I'm very sorry that you feel broken inside. Sometimes we are able to surprise ourselves more than we could ever imagine so maybe you'll still find a way to heal yourself and feel like a whole person. These emotions you're experiencing are very difficult, I also have many days that I just feel like I've come as far as I can. However I've also experienced that my feelings are often a result of the negative thoughts I'm having and my feelings aren't necessarily always an accurate reflection of how things really are.

Take care 

[Cordelia]

Mabel, I really can relate to a lot of what you've written (very beautifully I might add - maybe you should write a memoir!).  It can be overwhelming to realize that problems that began in one environment in childhood continue to haunt us wherever we go.  I personally felt ashamed as well as despairing, like I must be choosing this pain through some kind of masochism, otherwise why would I still feel this way.  The truth is in some ways we do choose to keep living in the same ways we learned, even if they're painful.  After all it's comfortable and we know what to expect from it.  Maybe right now - having gone through the huge and wrenching process of having left home and started a new life in a new land - you are just out of energy to continue to deal with the legacy of your past.  That's okay!  Maybe your time is better spent right now exploring your new environment and discovering your new capabilities.  The thing I discovered through this process is that making peace with the past is not a one time deal that you do and then you're done.  It's part of your history and who you are, and will always be with you.  It won't always feel the same way though or mean the same thing.  What seems heavy to carry right now might be barely noticeable in ten years' time.  Change doesn't stop until we're dead.  That's true of both joys and sorrows.  Don't be ashamed of being where you are - if you feel you're emotionally shut down and don't feel capable right now of changing that situation, that's fine!  You don't need to be emotionally available and peaceful and happy your whole life.  Times where the emotional side of life takes a back seat to the practical or intellectual are part of the fabric of a full life.  And painful times can come to be looked back on with affection and compassion.  Just don't make the mistake of thinking how you feel right now - and what you're capable of right now - is how it will be forever.  I don't mean to say you don't know how you feel or what you're capable of - you do.  You've obviously thought about this a lot and you have an impressive insight into where you are right now emotionally.  But time is really so powerful, more powerful than I ever imagined (even though I'm not that old, only in my thirties) and I find myself changing in ways I never would have anticipated.  I imagine that will be true for you as well.  You're not half a person - you're a full person who has recently been overwhelmed with an intense emotional experience and is now perhaps putting that aspect of life on the back burner while you focus on other things.  It's completely natural and understandable.  We all have limits, and we all need a break from time to time.  Enjoy your new freedom and try to stay open to the possibility that things will turn out better than you thought!   

[hopeforhealing]

Mabel I can relate to a lot of what you've said as well.  I wonder many similar things about who I might have been had I been in an environment that celebrated the real me instead of a me I was supposed to be but never was, and sometimes I get really sad and upset about the opportunities that were missed.  I too decided not to have children.  Finally, I have also had the sense that something was permanently broken, never to be mended, though the way you describe this is particularly poignant. 

What I have found -- and this analogy may be trite -- is that recovery and healing are kind of like exercise.  They are works in progress and it takes a lot of discipline and commitment to get up every day and do the work.  It's a long haul that is taken one tiny increment at a time.  You may not even *know* the specific work that needs to be done now, but simply by writing your post you have already begun.  What happens next is up to you.  Perhaps a little new reading or research, or perhaps just spending more time here.  You've already noticed that your subconscious is working; maybe that's all it is for right now.  Each of us goes at our own pace and in our own time.

You may be restless or impatient or sad waiting for or contemplating an outcome that seems impossibly remote.  But if you keep showing up, keep doing some work, and try to focus on the work itself instead of something that seems impossible, you may find that you get up one day and discover that something has budged in a way you never thought possible.