Constant negativity and its huge effects

[Kwamina]

Something that really hurts me when thinking about my childhood with my uBPD mom is the way she got inside my head. She poisoned my mind with her constant negativity. Her fault-finding and verbally taking her frustrations out on me totally destroyed my self-confidence and made me doubt everything I did. The constant negativity was so draining, I was never able to recharge my batteries and was getting dragged down more and more by her. Getting rid of this internalized negativity has been one of my biggest challenges. I'm still struggling with this issue, but not living in the same house as her anymore has truly made me realize how damaging her negativity was and still is. It's like being caught in a web, I'm physically free now but freeing my mind is much harder... . but I am making progress.

I was making serious efforts to heal myself when I still lived with her but I found that living in that constant negative environment made it impossible to heal. My mother's negativity and rages always kept dragging me down. It seemed liked she sensed when I was trying to turn my life around 'cause then the Witch would come out and she would verbally attack me like never before. Only after getting out was I able to really do the work of healing myself.

I still find it very hard to accept how her behavior has affected me, not only directly but indirectly too. The way I interacted with other people was 'tainted' by all that internalized negativity which has led to lost friendships and relationships. Looking back is so difficult because I feel like I just wasn't myself and it hurts knowing that I wasn't able to give the best of me. I don't see my uBPD as a real person, I realize there's something seriously wrong with her and that she just isn't wired the way 'normal' people are. Unfortunately I've also come to realize that for many years I wasn't a real person myself, it really feels like I completely lost myself. Only in these last two years have I been able to rediscover the real me, the years before that were completely spent trying to survive while being dragged down all the time. As I heal more I'm seeing things with new eyes and now for the first time I really see how damaged I've been by my uBPD mom. Before I was just trying to survive and trying not to lose my mind completely. I knew I was hurting of course but wasn't even aware of the full extent of the mental and emotional damage that has been done to me. I'm grateful for my new insights though because now I know what I need to work on.

[Cordelia]

It sounds like you're seeing that you've made enormous progress!   

It is sad to think of all the missed opportunities that could have been due to the effect of growing up with a mentally ill parent (or two).  But also think of all the years ahead of you, which you've gained the ability to enjoy more fully.  I don't mean to brush away the mourning stage of the healing process - it's important.  But it's also important to keep in mind that whatever you've lost is already gone - there's nothing more to suffer from it.  There's only additional gains to be made from whatever insights you can glean from analyzing what happened.  So try to approach the process as a positive one - rather than counting up losses, you're acquiring skills that will help you navigate the next step of your life.  And have compassion on yourself at earlier stages of the game, where you weren't able to really be yourself or give all you could.  You were carrying a huge weight, and that consumed a lot of energy.  You really DID do all you could, considering EVERYTHING you were dealing with.  And as long as you're alive there will be new opportunities for connection, love, and success.  When I was in my late twenties and depressed about still being single, I used to love reading stories about elderly people who met and fell in love in nursing homes.  I thought, if they can find love in their eighties, it means there's not just one small window in life to find love, and if you don't then you've missed out forever.  In fact people find each other and marry - or publish first novels - or start businesses - at all stages of life.  A loss is a loss and it's important not to deny the sadness of it, but it's also unlikely to be the last time you'll have the chance to experience whatever it was you missed out on.  It might look a little different, but the important part will still be there. 

[Kwamina]

Thanks for your kind and wise words Cordelia  

I really do feel like I've made enormous progress. I feel like I'm getting to a point where I can finally let go of some of the baggage I've been carrying around. It's a huge weight indeed... . I know that I got to accept that I can't change the past, certain things I still find very hard to let go off though. But I'm working on it so hopefully in time I will be able to let go and move on.

[zone out]

Hi Kwamina

I can really relate to that draining feeling of negativity - its almost 'physical'.  Growing up with an uBPD mother whose moods wavered dramatically, I have also developed an unwelcome ability to sense 'vibes' with amazing accuracy in all situations, not just in dealings with her.  In many respects I feel like a magnet with other people's bad vibes and moods attaching onto me.  With regard to my mother I am trying hard to overcome the realization that she virtually has the ability to control the quality of my life by her moods.  I'm looking into mindfulness through this site.  Seems really good.  Have tried all sorts of things in the past.

zone out

[Kwamina]

Hello zone out,

Thanks for sharing your experiences. I've developed that special sense too that your describing, it's like I'm constantly on guard and looking for signs of an imminent attack. In many ways it feels like I grew up in a warzone, it's amazing how much drama and chaos my mother created in my life. If it wasn't for her behavior I could have had a great childhood, 95% of my problems were either directly or indirectly caused by her. It's very hard indeed feeling like you are attracting all other people's bad vibes and moods. Sad thing is that growing up with a BPD mother, you can actually start to believe that you deserve all this negativity beacuse there's something wrong with you. Unfortunately for a long time I believed this too.

Mindfulness can definitely be very helpful, I hope it works for you too. Meditation has helped me become calmer and accept the fact that I can't change the past.

[ScarletOlive]

Hey Kwamina,

I know what you mean, the negativity can be really draining. And letting go is hard. You think, "Oh I can just let go of this now," but it sticks around even when you don't want it, or you hang onto it because you're not ready. It's okay to take the time you need to go through this process. We can't just let go of our pain all at once. But we can notice the burden lightening.

Mindfulness and meditation are so epic! They really can help. Keep reaching out for support when you need it. We're here for you. Sending lots of caring your way.

[Kwamina]

Thanks ScarletOlive! I really appreciate your words 

I've been struggling a bit these last couple of weeks. I realize that I've made tremendous progress but I'm also getting flooded by emotions and memories and a lot of dreams about the past. I've also been sick since mother's day, could be a coincidence of course but I think the two are definitely related. I did not even go to my mother that day, haven't gone for the last three years but the day was still difficult though. At first I thought it was just because I was so mad and sad that I wasn't feeling that great physically, but it turns out to be an autoimmune reaction. I remember from reading the book 'Understanding the borderline mother' that children of BPD parents seem to suffer from autoimmune disorders more frequently than others.

[ObliviousRed]

I've read your posts and can relate to everything you both are saying. The SICK (6th) Sense we have developed is truly like waiting for a bomb to drop and you can see the moods escalate when its all calm - almost scary when its calm too long.

I LOVED that book the Bordeline Mother and have half of hit highlighted that was where i got my start in recovering that it was not just me and there was a reason for my mom being the way she is. I then sought counselling and bloomed from there. My first big thing was to distance myself to sort things out and now i have a better handle on myself and what 'I' need. So i am now entering the lions den again to try and have a controlled relationship if i can do it. I'm just learning now how to put down MY boundaries but this is super hard to do, to a dictator of a parent.

So far its getting there - my approach is not great but better.

ITs so neat to chat about this with others that understand - my brother and i talk about it but he is very distant to her with no care to recover it.

[Kwamina]

I've read your posts and can relate to everything you both are saying. The SICK (6th) Sense we have developed is truly like waiting for a bomb to drop and you can see the moods escalate when its all calm - almost scary when its calm too long.

That's scary indeed! Especially when you've witnessed them turn into the Witch before, experiencing that only once is enough to get you to be permanently on guard. Talking to people who actually have been through similar things is something I like about this website too. You don't have to explain everything or try to convince people all the time when you're on here. Setting boundaries is difficult especially for people raised like us so I'm glad you feel you're getting better at it. In my mind I also often think of my mom as a dictator, also as a terrorist and prison warden

[zone out]

Hi   I have been making a considerable effort to try and avoid constantly 'reading' people and if you think of vibes as a two way thing - instead of soaking up the negatives, I have been trying to project the positives (while still trying to be true to my feelings).  This will take some reconfiguring for someone like myself who can best be described as a 'recycle' constantly going round absorbing other people's vibes and problems.  I have wasted so much time mired in negativity, I know it was a habit learned in childhood but all habits are capable of at least being modified if not broken.  In fact the term 'wasted' is very negative - I'm going to focus on the past as no more than a learning experience and a springboard for better times to come.  After all it was me who gave all this negativity and heaviness headroom and it will be myself who will change this situation.  I have been very busy and have not had the chance to really work at the mindfulness techniques but from the small amount of practice I put in, I think it is very good.  My mother has been in one of her good periods over the past few weeks but I honestly think her next outburst will not have as dramatic an effect on me as usual.  It is definitely very supportive to use this site and know that others are going through the exact same thing.  I am now thinking of her in terms of a twister picking up energy and wrecking havoc and I am going to build myself a very effective metaphorical shelter.