Is anyone here on good terms?

[Sharkey167]

Is anyone here on good or at least civil terms with their ex for whatever reason? Not like go hang out as friends good terms but can say hello and not be enraged with each other good terms. I'm just wondering if it's possible or do they always just cause anxiety and craziness.

[Octoberfest]

I could probably say hello to her... .

In the past week or so as we have talked sporadically (not at all in the last 2 days) it starts out pleasantly, and then whenever we get into actual meaningful conversation (past "hows school going", "hows work", "hows life", etc) it always turns nasty.  Mostly because I continue to "hang onto the past" and bring up new insight I have had about the legitimacy of our relationship (and it is never good insight... . basically I am becoming less jaded and seeing things for what they really were, uncovering more lies and bullhit).  She then accuses me of "making her feel like hit", when in truth, I am simply recounting what happened, not passing any judgement on it.  Who would've thought that facing the reality that you were unfaithful, deceitful, and conniving would make someone feel badly about themselves  .

I told her that I plan to be at the spot we met, a year later to the day, to do some reflecting and look back on the past year.  Just the way the timing worked out, 3/4 of the last year were spent "with" her and the last 1/4 will have been "after" her, the healing period.  She said she would meet me there... . I am not quite sure how I feel about it.

I DO NOT want to go back or date her again.  I never could after all the cheating she did on me.

I AM NOT concerned about having feelings of wanting to

I DO NOT know that after I am fully healed, I will have ANY desire to be around her AT ALL.

It is funny... . For so long I fought with her about the people in her life, people I saw straight through and recognized for the manipulative, hitty people that they were, and the intentions they had with her and how it would impact her and us.  I never was able to see through her, or rather, I chose not to, until now, at the end of it all.

I find myself thinking that, just like I lectured on and on about how those people were destructive influences in her life and brought nothing good to the table, she turned out to be, unfortunately, the same exact thing in my life, and I should probably take my own advice.  The way she is going forward, she stands to serve zero purpose in my life.  I have little to no interest in being her "friend" as she continues on weaving her path of destruction and lies.  There has to be some respect there for a friendship to come out of a failed relationship, and she did not respect me.

Time will tell how it all works out.

[mango_flower]

We were at the start... .

Unfortunately, things would appear to be going fine with being civil and saying the odd hello over email, or the odd catchup phonecall, but then out of the blue, she'd just kick off about something that had happened in our relationship.

Like, something she'd obviously been dwelling on, that I had no clue was even a problem!

I firstly tried to reassure her every time, which would make her fine for a bit.  Then I started to get fed up with the outbursts - I mean, what else was left to say?  Why keep re-hashing it all?  So I started to ignore her nastier emails.

Then she deleted me and all our mutual friends off of facebook.  And just started sending me more aggressive, hurtful emails.  So I ignored them too.  It's been 11 days now I think with no contact, and I don't think we could ever be friends again.  Because even when she's acting appropriately on the surface, there is still her resentment and anger simmering underneath, and I don't like that feeling of not knowing which way she'll jump next.  Too anxiety provoking.

So yeah.  NC is the way forward now. I can at least feel reassured that I tried!

[patientandclear]

I'm in the 10th month of an experiment with being close friends after 10 months of NC after the end of our romantic r/s.  It's been very, very challenging.  The push-pull dynamic is no better.  He is very threatened by our closeness.  I have learned the hard way to have no expectations, and I truly mean no expectations.  I have also had to find a way to be honest with him about how some of this feels, and then deal with the fallout, which has been considerable.

My report is that it is not impossible.  But it has been incredibly difficult to manage with any integrity, and so it doesn't become an opportunity to repeat the cycle of investment and hurt.  The principles taught on Staying are essential.  For me, that's being true to yourself, letting the chips fall where they may, having no expectations, understanding that what we're doing is very difficult for him to deal with, and accepting that I have no power to change him and the attempt to do so has no place in the r/s.

[Bananas]

I work with my ex so I try to keep things on good terms as much as possible because of that.  It has been hard for me because we were pretty much best friends before we got involved.  I think in the beginning I was trying to get that back. 

But it is extremely difficult. Like patientandclear said there is still a lot of push pull.  He alternates in between ignoring me completely, actually giving me evil looks and then being friendly like nothing has happened.  Any effort on my part to be friendly is reciprocated at first, and then ends in anger on his part.  If I ignore him he will attempt to be friendly, and the cycle will repeat.  No matter how I act the end result is always the same. 

I realize now we cannot be friends, but we have to be co-workers.  My goal is to keep things as professional as possible and keep my anxiety level as low as possible.  Neither of us are going to leave the job so I just hope it gets better over time.  No expectations is the key for me.  I just try to focus on work and do whatever it takes to make my day better and not care about him.  That is difficult for me because I do care.       

[Lucky Jim]

We have two teenage children so I have limited contact with my Ex relating to the kids.  Were it not for the kids, I would be changing my email address and my phone number.  For me, sharkey, it's impossible to be on good or civil terms because anytime she has contact with me her emotional volcano erupts again and it's the same old anger and projection towards me.  We have been apart for 2 1/2 years, first separated and now divorced, yet her need to lash out and hurt remains the same in intensity towards me.  I am uncertain when, if ever, this will change.  So, No, I don't view a civil relationship as a realistic possibility for me.  Bananas puts it well: "No matter how I act the end result is always the same."

Hang in there, LuckyJim

[Tordesillas]

For the first 6months after I broke up with my ex, we had a nice friendship with healthy boundaries and any time we spoke it was positive.  Then it slowly started to unravel. 

I started becoming the shoulder to cry on... . she started roping me in on all the drama in her life.  The boundaries started to become grey.  Soon after that she was calling me almost every day. 

Then came the clincher.  There was a series of tragedies that happened to her all within a very short amount of time and I was the primary source of support for her through all of these.  By the time the dust settled from the intensity of dealing with all of that, we were back in what was basically an un-official but no less serious emotional entanglement. 

It all came to a boiling point when two things happened. 

1 - It came out that she had been involved with another guy during much of our intense re-engagement.

2 - I noticed some inconsistencies that made me doubt the legitimacy of some of the tragedies that had just happened to her.

I decided it had once again become entirely dysfunctional and unhealthy and cut all ties. 

Looking back I don't know if she intentionally lured me back in.  She had always been open about not being completely over me and still being in love with me.  So I knew the risk I was dealing with.  I think it was a combination of her BPD, my still not being fully healed and some tragic circumstances of life.

What I learned:

- if you're going to have a friendship, the boundaries have to be clear and you have to be the one to keep them.  The person with BPD will not be able to keep them. 

- if possible, limit it to phone calls/emails/txts.  The second you spend real face to face time it gets harder to resist.

- DO NOT have sex with them. 

- Don't let them make you a "primary" source of support. 

[Lao Tzu]

   I've had to admit to myself that my exNPDgf has power over me unlike anyone ever has, and my personal feeling is that 'good terms' is the very best I can ever hope for in such an unbalanced relationship.

[grad]

Yes, it is possible to be on good terms.  It depends on their overall perception of you as a person (black vs white) and how much respect is still left.  Like patientandclear said, you truly must have no expectations, clear boundaries, and deep unconditional love.

My experience is this:

What you should know is that their issues persist until they seek therapy.  Perhaps their new partner is better at avoiding triggers or fulfilling the fantasy longer, but the emotional swings will remain.  Sometimes they harbor feelings of past relationships and understand why it had to end, even understanding their role in why it failed, or even becoming emotional when discussing it with an ex.  But they've made a decision to move on with their life and their entire focus is on that.  

I had to end the "friendship" after a 2 month trial when it became obvious recently that she was intent on trying to inflict emotional damage in her very subtle, passive aggressive ways.  When I acted stern and let her know her behavior was not acceptable, she was became very sad and emotionally upset.  Mine was never the raging type, but more of the quiet borderline or waif variety.

My thoughts on her is simple:  If I were single I'd give a relationship with her another chance if she were in therapy and not seeing anyone else, but nothing less.  However, I'd much rather be able to say no and have moved on to someone better and more stable.