Continued contact and BPD behaviour

[learningtowalkagain1]

I am curious to find out about other people's experience or knowledge re BPD and continued company?

My BPDxbf (with NPD tendencies) wanted to be around me 24/7. He usually started exhibiting his "behaviours" when my attention had to be divided between him and someone else (child, friend etc) or something else (appointment, work or other activity I was involved with). He was almost always most happy when there was just the two of us with no one or nothing to distract us from each other and this was when our relationship seemed fantastic.  As this new woman doesn't seem to have children to look after or commitments to take her away away from him, he is getting her undivided attention and he doesn't seem to have to share her. She is staying at his place so the power is with him (we mainly stayed at mine - power to me, which may have 'unsettled' him).

Maybe it will take a lot longer for the "cracks to show"? Maybe this will be a better relationship for him, less to challenge his disorder? Thoughts appreciated.

[Octoberfest]

My experience was much the same as your- when it was just "us", my dBPDex and I together in a room watching a movie, going to bed, or just being playful, there was not a thing wrong in the world.  It was when we went outside our little box, and had to deal with the rest of the world that we had issues.  She was wholly incapable of managing relationships with other people.  Setting boundaries and relegating certain people to certain roles is beyond her- and as such, it led to cheating and other strain in the relationship, because being that she is a good looking girl, she had plenty of male attention.  Throw in a constant need for validation that she is worth something as a human being, and you have a recipe for returned attention and continuation of what becomes an inappropriate relationship considering she is "taken".


When I miss my ex, when I get sad inside that she and I are no longer together, it is because I am remembering the times when it was just "us", when the rest of the world couldn't see or get to us.  It was when our relationship felt the most real, when I loved her the most, and when I saw clearest the part of her that really did love me.

[mango_flower]

Perhaps - you have some good thoughts there.  It may take longer for the cracks to show.  But it's just not possible that they can be alone 24/7.  There will be a time when work gets in the way, or a family member gets sick, and she will have to step up her committment to something else other than him.

When I miss my ex, when I get sad inside that she and I are no longer together, it is because I am remembering the times when it was just "us", when the rest of the world couldn't see or get to us.  It was when our relationship felt the most real, when I loved her the most, and when I saw clearest the part of her that really did love me.

This is so true!  I love how people here can put the thoughts I struggle with verbalising, into words... .

It's so difficult not to focus on their new relationships... . I still struggle with that.  But that's the key I think, that they are no longer part of our lives, even though it kills me to say that sometimes. 

Where do you want to go from here?  Where do you see your life in a year or two's time?

[Tordesillas]

I think a BIG part of the reason my ex latched onto me so quickly and so intensely was because I was a uniquely isolated object for her.  I had JUST moved to LA and didn't really know many people.  It was a quiet time for my work (music) so there wasn't really ANYTHING to compete for my attention.  However, as that started to change and I began trying to build a life for myself and getting busy again, things really started to become tumultuous.

Don't be isolated! That is the biggest thing I learned.