If you truly love her...

[wanttoknowmore]

This morning, a thought just came to my mind... . ."If you truly love her... . set her free"

We say we love our pwBPDs ... . if that's true,then why shouldn't we let her go her way... . as that's what she wants.

Love sets the loved one free and don't desire to chain her in any form.

Any thoughts?

[Suzn]

Agreed. Wholeheartedly. One of the biggest shows of love is to leave someone to themselves. To not enable and steal life lessons from them is a huge step towards your own recovery. And quite possibly theirs.

[jp254958]

Agreed.  Love is about respecting choices and if that's where they want to go, let them.  

It's hard and I was totally guilty of trying to save the relationship and coax my uexBPDgf to stay.  At the time, I thought that love was worth saving and could conquer all. I felt if she just went to a therapist and tried then things would work.

They wouldn't have, because she's lost inside.  She's not capable of having a sustainable relationship.

I should have let her go without fighting for her.  In hindsight, I wish I never met her, but since I did, I wish I would have treated myself with more dignity and respect by not accepting the awful and unstable behavior that she displayed. I wish I would have just said “bye, and good luck" when she pulled away the first time.

I've met someone and she is wonderful. I am so excited for this new relationship and I know it's going somewhere. And it's with a healthy, wonderful person who is stable, respectful, loving, and is capable of truly giving and receiving love.  Feeling hope in a future that I now have vs. fighting to save a relationship that I used to have is such an amazing feeling.  

My advice is to let go. Letting go is the best thing you can do for yourself and that's the only thing you can change. You can't help her, she can only help herself. That is hard to accept but it's critical to acknowledge.

My thoughts are with you!  I know the pain you must be feeling and I truly empathize.  

[papawapa]

You cant get back what you never had.

I'm with you all that the best thing to do is let them go.

[Octoberfest]

One reason I held on for as long as I did is that I didn't trust that "what she wanted" was best for her.  In fact, I knew it, because I had seen it at work in our relationship.  I saw the destructive and awful path she had been on her entire life, and it was my mission to get her off of it.  In the process I was destroying myself to do it.

I had a real sense of failure for awhile... . And still do sometimes.  I wanted to be the one to "save" her, and the idea of only her being able to be the one to do it is a scary one, because people with BPD are so hurt and so scared, that going outside their routine, the lies, the cheating, the deceit, etc, to "get better" is beyond them in many many cases