Weird or what?

[crystalclear]

Hi everyone,

Although the past few weeks, i have been trying to come to terms with the 'unknown' as he was not diagnosed with BPD or NPD, so there are these moments i doubt 'is he really pwBPD or NPD?' or did he simply breakup with me bc all the fights triggered his anger and frustrated him and he felt suffocated continuing?... . But hey, i was at the receiving end most of the times... . why couldn't i give up?

And the dance in my head begins... .

Anyway, one of things that triggered his anger from the very beginning was when i chose to be a 'follower' rather than a 'leader'. As in if i chose the same food off the menu he ordered or if i did not Volunteeringly decide 'places to see' on a holiday, or if i did not choose to sit if he did not find a chair for himself at the bar table, or if i did not contribute to ideas and simply went with whatever he likes... . that would instigate a fight... . he would start yelling 'why do you have to do what i do or why cant you just do what you like to'... . he would display his moods in public places... . leave me on the street and walk away for a smoke and refuse to walk into a store with me... .

Also he 'hated' it if i answered any calls while i am out with him or replied/texted to anybody... . family excluded (thankfully)... . he demanded complete attention no matter what... . i mean i agree we do not like when our partner/SO is on mobile while we are shopping or dining out but if it's once a while i do not mind... . he was always reading something on his phone or take a nap in the train beside me... . and blamed me of keeping silence... . And if i said 'I can't keep yapping all the time'... . he points 'well when you can with your friends, why not with me?'

Well firstly most times i am in his country, completely new place... . Learning the culture of the country so picking food/drinks or places to visit is easier when somebody 'leads' by suggesting... . Secondly, his temper and judgemental behavior always scared me... .

Did i do something wrong? Just trying to learn my lessons, taking my notes.

Did you guys fear or feel inferior, probably awkward on what to say or do?

[Clearmind]

CC, the only thing I can see with this picture is why you felt the need to not speak up about what you want? Where in your life were you taught to not have needs?

Regardless of what you did or didn't do - this relationship was not going to work - the reason being - he is not equipped to have a r/s that involves true intimacy and its possible you my friend need some healing so you can choose better r/s partners.

We choose a person who cannot provide what we want - first you need to find who you are then go about choosing someone compatible.

Instead we bend ourselves or try to change them to make a r/s work - the foundations were shaky to begin with.

I was more stable than my ex - it served me well for a while until it was used against me.

[eniale]

Sounds like he was just looking for any excuse he had to dump his anger.  I don't think this was about you, it was about him and his inner anger.  Believe this is pretty typical with pwBPD.  Mine would blow up at pe4tty, bizarre stuff, and sometimes something would happen that I thought would set him off and he would not get angry at all.  I think it is all their own inner tensions and looking for someone to dump anger on.

[crystalclear]

Clearmind - you are right. I think i have been in search for love as i couldn't find it at home. I mean i love my parents and they love and care for me too, but it is the Support, and trust i could not receive until now from my father that i went shopping elsewhere. My exbf initial care and love was so overwhelming that it reminded me of my dad on several occassions. I believe that children are greatly influenced by their parent of opposite sex. We always look for similar (good) traits of our parent(dad in my case) along with someone who could provide us what we seem to be missing in our lives (love and trust in my case).

[Clearmind]

CC, good observation of you and thanks for sharing. I chose men like my father - I was looking for acceptance. It really helps to see where our parents sit in the realm of our relationship skills. We all learn our relationship skills from our parents.

Kudos to you for recognizing it CC. I really helps to now process what beliefs our parents instilled in us as kids and as adults relinquish the ones that no longer fit. Personal Inventory Board is great to process that.