uBPDh Tells Me To Save My Money

[NoSocks]

My uBPDh has been swinging up and down for the last little while now. This morning he said it again that he wants me to save my money so that when our lease is up in Oct. we can move on with our lives. One moment he's telling me I'm his girl for life and the next he's moving on. I told him this morning that I'm completely exhausted from the severe up and downs and that if that's what he wants that he needs to tell me now so that I can move out. I'm not waiting until Oct. That's just setting myself up for failure. You see... . they don't JUST get mad, they change things. Always for the worse.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[connect]

Hello RX,

Am sorry to hear this. My one has put me through hell and high water recently. My limited experience however has taught me not to push them for a decision when they are disregulated. It has never worked out for me personally. I think when you are feeling exhausted and liable to snap then taking yourself off to do something else for a few hours would be a wise course of action. You don't want the bad part of their brain deciding what happens for you both right now. The calmer you can be the better. By October he probably wont even remember any of this and how he was feeling!

Sending you hugs 

[NoSocks]

Oh connect, thank you so much for your direct encouragement. I just get soo frustrated at Everything he puts me through ie. his diagnosed depression (which he swears he doesn't have but is on assistance for), diagnosed OCD, paranoia, rage and a personal choice of social isolation. On top of that his family chooses to back his every move. AND they know his past history as a child/teen/young adult. He just came in right now and said that he's probably moving out and moving on. I believe he will when faced with the diagnosis, as he would rather lose me than be diagnosed. I feel soo low.

[Chosen]

  RX.  I'm sorry you're having such a hard time, and you're right- it sucks when they seem to tell/ warn us of what may happen in the future when they don't make such a decision now.

But I have to agree with connect.  Your h probably doesn't actually want to separate.  By October he may not actually go ahead with it.  And again, he may- we have no way of knowing.  Of course, I think as "non"s, we usually are on the passive side of things, but if you want, you can make your choice now- he can't change YOUR choice as well... .

Whenever he is dysregulated, my uBPDh will say we're going to get divorced.  Initially I would hate that he says it, now I realise I have no power over that, and whether he's just saying it or actually doing it... . time will tell.  And unless I see actions, I just ignore what he says.

[NoSocks]

Hi chosen, how do you stay so calm? Do you have a support network?

[Chosen]

Thanks RX.  I'm the least calm person in the world (really!), but being with my uBPDh means that I have to accept what I cannot change.  Unless I want to be a nervous wreck all of the time and kill myself.

I came here mid last year.  For the past few years, I didn't know about BPD but  I lost all my confidence, was stressed all the time and became so depressed because of the verbal abuse from H (BF then).  I internalised everything.  I "danced the emotional dance" with him, and I was a wreck basically.

I have no support network (now I do, BPD Family! ).  I don't really have close family (no siblings too), and there are currently about 3 people in the world who know about my situation (2 of which are from my church, 1 is a family member).  It is really difficult sometimes, especially when the rest of the world only sees half of what your relationship is about.  But I also believe my God helps me through the tough times.

I guess I'm finally starting to learn that worrying doesn't get me anywhere, and it certainly will not change anything about my H.  I try to learn the lessons here and use them, and sometimes I don't do so well, but I can't forever beat myself up about it.   I take a day at a time.   I stop taking everything he says so seriously.   I let some things go and let others just in one ear and out the other, not letting them take hold of me and settle in my brain.  And unless my H actually decides to file for divorce or something, I am currently committed to staying and trying my part to improve the marriage.

It's not easy but being here helps.  I hope you'll stay around, check out so many of the other people with simiar experiences, and in time you WILL grow stronger!

[NoSocks]

You guys on here are SUCH A BIG HELP! Yes, for sure I plan to stay on here as I have already found it helpful. And as of last night when I did ANOTHER search on google to see if there is a local group for Non's that I can physically attend, ONE came up. It started this past April, FINALLY, and they are still trying to get weekly meetings together to be able to offer it on an ongoing basis. I felt a surge of energy this morning when I opened the email from the leader of the group who stated that they are still meeting together.

Because I was weak this weekend and fell into the trap of engaging with my H and not using the tools of depersonalizing and detaching I felt extremely low this morning. But now I have renewed hope due to this second group that will be available for me. Even though my H isn't taking my calls this morning, hope is slowly returning as I think of the support I can receive with TWO groups. Thanks you guys, again, your truly are making a difference.  : )