My mom tells crazy stories about me - managing the damage

[nomom4me]

I'm at a point in my healing where I realize that my mom doesn't always do this on purpose.  When my mom feels defensive, she starts telling stories... . waif-ey stories. Sometimes people (usually extended family) simply ask my mother how I am doing and my mom launches into storyteller mode, she is just the poor mother who has only a vague idea what her daughter does, she is very focused on marrying me off.  Cousins, aunts, family friends etc. are all surprised to hear what my school studies have involved, different jobs I've held and that I have medical issues - my mother didn't even mention a major surgery I had to her siblings.  I know she is just trying to gloss over anything that may not "look good" but in doing that she has inadvertently (and intentionally) started rumors.

My relationships are strained with family due to her meddling, extended family have only vague ideas of who I am and I'm sure they have been told colorful stores about why my relationship with my mother is so clearly strained.  

Has anyone had any success in clearing their name with family?  Some of the stories my mother tells about me are just plain crazy, I also want to make it clear that I have health limitations.  My mom has cast me as the black sheep who exaggerates and invents health problems, this is very far from the truth.  The truth is I am now dealing with health issues she ignored when I was a child, but I don't want to blame her for my health - I just want to clarify some of these crazy accusations and clear the air.

[GeekyGirl]

I know how frustrating it is when someone is telling waif-y stories and trying to come off as a victim at your expense.

What I've learned is that some people may be open to hearing your side, and some won't. The important thing, and this has been tough for me to do, is to stop worrying about what everyone else thinks. My husband reminds me, "What other people think of you is none of your business," and although that has been hard for me to accept, he's right.

I've also learned to only share information with my mother that I'm comfortable with sharing with anyone. If it's not something I'd want to have broadcast on Facebook or the evening news, I don't tell her. That does limit the conversations we have, but I've found that to be a useful boundary. If something comes up and I'm not comfortable discussing it, I change the topic.

Some of the stories my mother tells about me are just plain crazy, I also want to make it clear that I have health limitations.  My mom has cast me as the black sheep who exaggerates and invents health problems, this is very far from the truth.  The truth is I am now dealing with health issues she ignored when I was a child, but I don't want to blame her for my health - I just want to clarify some of these crazy accusations and clear the air.

What would change if your relatives knew the truth? Is it possible that your mother is working through feelings of guilt by bending the truth?

[nomom4me]

Thanks, Geeky.  

Most of the damage my mother has done with her stories is un-doable.  She told cousins that "we are hoping she marrys him soon" a few months into my relationship with my boyfriend, by using the work "we" instead of "I" she confused family and I had to explain to cousins that I had no plans to marry my boyfriend of 6 months.  Ironically she has a boyfriend of several years and family asks me if they have plans to marry, knowing that family is as viral as the internet with information I always say "I don't know".  I wish I never introduced my boyfriend to my family, my mom has cast him in a hero role and he is very shy, she brags about his job when people ask about me rather than telling people how I am actually doing, I'm sick - I am currently too sick to work.

I moved to a big city in my late teens, my life is allot different than anyone in my family - they all live in smaller towns and are focused on family.  I've never had support from my family and do not have children, I would like to have kids but I don't want my mom to have unmitigated access to my kids (as she does with my sisters child). Relationships are honestly a touchy subject for me, my health has made it difficult to date and this is not the first time my mom made a wedding announcement for me without my permission.  Introducing my boyfriend to my family was my mistake, but it's not something I can undo.  I can't make my boyfriend less shy, and I can't change the fact that my mom and sister both made terrible impressions on him - he was shocked at their disinterest in my health and stunts they have pulled.

I used to work in entertainment and lots of my friends are musicians and performers, I post pictures of them at events on facebook and it might look like I have an exciting life but honestly I show up to their events long enough to take pictures, I don't drink and I don't stay out late.  I don't have my mother on facebook because I honestly don't want her opinion on what I post, and I don't want to see her religious themed posts.  If there was a privacy option that allowed her to see nothing and not message me, we could be "friends".  As is, I have all family on restricted access and had to delete/block my sister when it became clear that she shares everything with my mom.  I deleted a public blog I worked on for over a year when comments about how "selfish" I am appeared around the time I deleted my sister.  I've realized that my sister is a huge part of the problem with my mom and had to extend all boundaries I have with my mom to my sister, in some ways my sister is worse, she was behind a big breech in internet privacy that honestly scared my boyfriend.  I can tolerate my sister and my mom for a few hours on holidays but we'll never be friends, we'll never have a spa day - we don't even enjoy the same things.  As soon as I state a boundary, they will both push it as hard as they can.

For most of my family the internet is entertainment, I'm not working now - but I hope to go back to work and my facebook network is my professional network.  My page is private, some pictures are set to public so friends can share them, some of them have a dozen shares - I should not be worried about my family finding pictures of a bunch of homosexual men performing in a nightclub, but I am.  My mom will assign context and essentially be pissed that the pictures are not of her.

I reached out to one cousin letting her know I have health issues and that my mom has a difficult time accepting that, I told her that it's probably best not to even mention facebook to my mom.  I did not get a response.  For the past year my mom has made everything into a reason to reach me on facebook, she grew up in the 50's and now refuses to reach me by phone and wants to plan all events on facebook (so I won't be included if I don't ad her).  I've seen pictures from the events and I am honestly glad I was not included, my mom posted very unflattering pictures of family at a swim party - I'm sure she would have been hurt if we were "friends" and I did not want myself tagged in the pictures.   I've asked her to drop to topic, and I did have one conversation recently with my mom where she didn't work the internet or written contact (she is also blocked on email after literally writing me a novel).  It was a 2-3 minute conversation, I called her on her birthday.

[GeekyGirl]

I wish I never introduced my boyfriend to my family, my mom has cast him in a hero role and he is very shy, she brags about his job when people ask about me rather than telling people how I am actually doing, I'm sick - I am currently too sick to work.

Does your mom have NPD traits along with BPD? It sounds like she really likes the attention she gets from your boyfriend's job. My mother loves pointing out what my DH does for a living--to just about anyone from neighbors to the baristas at Starbucks. Do you think that she feels any empathy for you, given what you're going through with your health? I could see how that would be really frustrating.

I've never had support from my family and do not have children, I would like to have kids but I don't want my mom to have unmitigated access to my kids (as she does with my sisters child).

I get that--now that I understand BPD (I didn't before DS was born), DH and I have set some limits with my parents and they do not have unmitigated access. What you can do is be clear about what is ok and make sure that any child isn't put in a situation where those boundaries aren't violated. There are lots of parents here who can give you their experiences if you're interested.

[nomom4me]

Thanks again, Geeky.

Does your mom have NPD traits along with BPD? It sounds like she really likes the attention she gets from your boyfriend's job. My mother loves pointing out what my DH does for a living--to just about anyone from neighbors to the baristas at Starbucks. Do you think that she feels any empathy for you, given what you're going through with your health? I could see how that would be really frustrating.

A therapist suggested my mother may be NPD or BPD, the descriptions I have read of NPD mothers do ring truer than some of what I read here.  My mother is externally very stable and holds fast to anything that will give her bragging rights or status.  There are scenes in Mommy Dearest that are very close to my childhood.  My sister feeds into my moms behavior in a way that is almost like a BPD/NPD marriage.  My sister does manage to be a bit self-aware, my sister is often visibly stressed and escalates like... . an escalator.

I don't have kids yet, and I'm still not married so planning for kids is a bit early. It's honestly a touchy subject for me as my family has put a ton of strain on my relationship but when I hold fast to boundaries I often tell myself that I need to do this for myself, and for my future family.

It's really frustrating that my relationship with everyone in my family is impacted by what is really a smear campaign by my mother (with help from my sister).  I had boundaries about email contact with my mom prior to learning she may be disordered, it's only since she met my boyfriend that she has pushed the boundary.  She has met my boyfriend only briefly, all she knows is where he works and that it sounds good.  My mom seems to lack the self-awareness I see in my sister, I do think my sister feels bad about her part in the stunts and slander - I honestly wonder if my mom feels empathy at all.  Some of the health problems I have are problems my mom has had, although mine are far more serious - her disinterest in my health borders on irrational, at a point she was emailing me pissed that I wasn't responding when she knew I had a cast on my dominant hand.  Setting boundaries with her shouldn't mean I have no family - but that is what it is starting to feel like.  The stories she tells frankly make no sense, I don't understand how people believe her but most of these people see my mom more than they see me.  The fact that my cousin did not respond to my request not to discuss facebook with my mom has filled me with anxiety - I did my best to explain that my relationship with my mom is strained and that I hope communication with her improves. 

It seems like the lying and exaggerating may never end with my mom, I recognize some of it as a defense mechanism but that does NOT excuse her systematic boundary pushing and badmouthing me to family.  Some of it seems planned, if I ask her not to do something she'll discuss the request with my sister and the two of them literally make excuses to do whatever I asked them not to do.  I had to cut my sister off with facebook because she was honestly acting like a 14 year old, I have all my family restricted to the point where they can't post on my wall because I don't want someone posting something on my mothers behalf or posting a response to something my mother said where my entire professional network can see it.  I did make several efforts to discuss my sisters behavior with her before blocking her on facebook, she ignores my calls and did not respond to a facebook message stating my boundaries for online contact. 

[GeekyGirl]

The fact that my cousin did not respond to my request not to discuss facebook with my mom has filled me with anxiety - I did my best to explain that my relationship with my mom is strained and that I hope communication with her improves. 

Does this cousin tend to like to avoid conflict in general? Sometimes people will avoid conversations to avoid getting involved in what they think are family disputes. Even with people that I know my mother has complained to, I try to avoid talking about my mother and our relationship, for a few reasons, one of them being that I don't want to get them involved. The relationship between me and my mother is between the two of us (and you all here  ). My point is, you didn't do anything wrong; your cousin may simply not want to have to choose sides.

My mom seems to lack the self-awareness I see in my sister, I do think my sister feels bad about her part in the stunts and slander - I honestly wonder if my mom feels empathy at all.  Some of the health problems I have are problems my mom has had, although mine are far more serious - her disinterest in my health borders on irrational, at a point she was emailing me pissed that I wasn't responding when she knew I had a cast on my dominant hand.  Setting boundaries with her shouldn't mean I have no family - but that is what it is starting to feel like. 

Your mother may not feel empathy. That's so common, unfortunately, in people with BPD. That said, it's healthy that you've told her how her actions make you feel and you've set boundaries. You can have a family, but it's going to take work and acceptance on your part, because you know they won't change.  Your more distant relatives may or may not believe the smear campaigns, and if they do, that's on them. I've found that asking family to respect that my relationship with my mother is private has worked with just about everyone (my enmeshed grandmother is the only exception). I've said, "I hope you understand that my mother and I have a unique relationship, but that shouldn't affect my relationship with you," many times. Are the relatives involved in smear campaigns ones you're close to, or would like to be close to?

[nomom4me]

The lack of empathy is becoming apparent, it's probably helped her shape stories.  I can't always attend events due to health, my mom has twisted this and formed crazy tales of me partying like a rockstar then missing a family wedding.  Uhg, weddings... . I don't ever want to attend one with my mom -she is full-blown delusional about having a big showy wedding for me and has prematurely made announcements for both me and my sister.  I don't understand how people don't see the pattern.

I really feel like certain family members "drank the kool aid".  She has impacted my relationships with family members with the stories, people probably don't know what to believe but at the same time, any sane person would want to avoid the conflict.  My less sane relatives have delivered messages on her behalf.  I never did anything to her, I disengaged and made boundaries - I didn't slander her.  She's played the tragic waif card so hard, she has people thinking she has been abandoned when she's ignoring serious health issues, I think she has told people I exaggerate or imagine my health issues - she certainly does not see them as real.  She's dug a deep hole of lies and twisting of words, it's years deep - I don't know if I can dig myself out.  She's done her best to turn people against me.  I don't know who believes what and the extent of the slander, and I'm angry that she's made no effort to mitigate damage.

[Cordelia]

I haven't dealt with anything quite like this, but I think the best approach would be to just start building a relationship with those of your extended family you'd like to see more of, and let them figure out this issue for themselves.  You don't want to get caught in a he-said she-said conflict with someone who's crazy.  It will only make you seem crazy too if you try arguing with her point by point.  If you're interested in being closer to certain relatives, make plans with them and just enjoy each other's company.  A borderline will always be better at manipulation and wild accusations than a non, and a non will always be better at actually building and being in a real relationship than a borderline.  That's why they do this, after all - because they're not capable of simply being themselves around those they enjoy and just having a nice time with them.  That's a great loss for them, and a great advantage for you - so take advantage of the opportunity and these dramas they try to create will fade in significance.  If they don't for some people, well maybe they also enjoy drama more than actually connecting with loved ones, and in that case it's not much of a loss not to see them so much.