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Author Topic: Support, advice needed please  (Read 486 times)
theirdad

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« on: June 09, 2013, 07:23:00 PM »

In the process of divorce from my udBPDw. two small children age 2 and 4.  separated now 6 months.  the last year of our relationship was a series of ever-escalating ultimatums made by her, each with the promise that if I just did "X" she would change (i.e. our relationship would change)  "Get engaged-done" "marry me now! - done" "quit your job- nearly"  With each ultimatum I met the relationship actually seemed to get worse.  The final ultimatum would have left me without a job and completely dependent upon her (the job keeps me away for better than 50% of the time.)  At the time of our split I asked the we continue couples therapy and try to build some stability/trust/sense of security and THEN I would quit the job.  The answer was 'no' and she filed for divorce.   That was about 7 months ago.

During this time I've done my best to maintain as little contact as necessary, trying to adjust.  Life was settling in, though extraordinarily challenging and exhausting given my work situation.  Now, just recently there had been civil dialogue between us even touching on reconciliation.  when we spoke about trying it again most of what said was "if you quit your job I'll take you back."  When i ask that she own her own part, she did in some small way followed by "but, I only did those things because you made me do them ... . "  The point is nothing has changed except her consideration of reconciliation.  She is every bit the same person she was 7 months ago.  The one who constantly criticized, raged, violated any personal boundary- the person everyone told me to leave.  But now after speaking with her and entertaining the possibility of getting back together I find myself just emotionally twisted.  Life with her was HARD. When the behaviors reared their ugly heads it was like "here we go again."  But I knew where they were coming from.  I knew there was no point in trying to reason with her.  I had a good sense when criticism came flying at me what was real and what was crazy.  I had thought, and everyone who knew the situation including one our couples therapists that is was hopeless, that life would be better apart. 

     Now I find myself stuck on the idea of getting back together.  Given all of my circumstances, life apart is extremely challenging- And those circumstances are unlikely to change.  In a way it's like the lesser of two evils. There are a lot of reasons I fell in love with her, and those characteristics are still hers.   I have the fantasy of an "intact family."   I feel like I felt 7 months ago- horrible.   I don't miss the toxic nature of our relationship.  But I miss her. I miss being parents together.  When I mentioned all of this to people who know her, me and the situation they all agree that going back would be the worst mistake I could possibly make.  Still, I'm having a very hard time emotionally right now.  Any advice or support would be appreciated.  Thanks in advance
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ScotisGone74
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 432


« Reply #1 on: June 09, 2013, 07:47:21 PM »

Well the problem is that you are trying to choose between the lesser of two evils right 'Now'.  Unfortunately the juggling act with her will only get worse and continue if you try to stay in the relationship with someone who is a BPD and is not undergoing therapy,  she will just continue to push/pull you until one day she just gets up and leaves after you have poured even more of your heart and soul into trying to make it work.   Although it will hurt now and for a long time sounds like you have already gotten a good start on your way to breaking free.  The more hoops you jump threw trying to make it work the more hoops she will continue to set up.  Talk to a counselor, trusted friends, your pastor, whoever you trust that is healthy about what you are considering and the current situation as well.  Good luck. 
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theirdad

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« Reply #2 on: June 09, 2013, 11:56:22 PM »

Thank you ScotisGone.  I know what you say is true.  I know 'intellectually' the relationship would continue to devolve despite however many hoops I might jump through.  And yes, she would one day just walk away- and it would still be 'all my fault.'  Nevertheless, intellect is great, until emotions get in the way as they are right now with me.  Thank you again.
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Surnia
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: 8 y married, divorced since 2012-11-22
Posts: 3900



« Reply #3 on: June 10, 2013, 12:35:47 AM »

Theirdad

I agree with Scotisgone.

You are deserving more from life than one of two evil options. And you need time to develop trust for a healthier life.

Perhaps this can help a bit to gain other point of views:

The Characteristics of Healthy Relationships .

Keep posting here, it helps. 
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“Don’t shrink. Don’t puff up. Stand on your sacred ground.”  Brené Brown
ScotisGone74
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Posts: 432


« Reply #4 on: June 10, 2013, 01:35:06 AM »

Theirdad, 

   Emotions are what kept us wrapped up and involved in these relationships despite all of their behavior and the warning signs that we witnessed, excused, swept under the rug for them.  I know it is difficult when children are involved... . my exBPD left to get married and pregnant with the next guy within two months of me.  It hurt and still does some, but I feel lucky in the end.  You should feel blessed that you have the will to do what you need to do now, there are some people on here that have put up with a BPD spouse for years for their kids sake only to have them leave while carrying out torture upon them and their kids.   Yes, I am lucky. 
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Murbay
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 432


« Reply #5 on: June 10, 2013, 01:59:26 AM »

theirdad, it has to be one of the most difficult things to deal with emotionally and mentally when there are children involved and I admire your courage and resolve in what is clearly a difficult time.

I'm in my 5th week of NC with my exBPDw and have left a 2 year old daughter and a 7 year old step-daughter behind in another country. I also understand where you are coming from in terms of work because my job was never good enough for my ex because the company was in my own country and they allowed me to work from home so I could be with my family. Constant demands to get a job in her own country and also try and get twice the salary, despite what my company had done to help us. You are right to stick to your guns on this. The only time you should look for another job is if YOU don't like your job or YOU want to change things around, not what someone else wants you to do. That there is a huge red flag in itself.

As for the children, that is always going to be the most difficult decision to make. I have been in therapy for the past year and each time my T asked what I wanted to do, I would say that I'm staying for the children. He made me open my eyes to the fact that my children will always be my children regardless of where I am and that sometimes the best course of action is to step away, build something healthy and constructive and actually give your children somewhere safe and healthy to escape to when the time comes. The best thing you can ever do for your children is build a solid foundation for them to turn to and the worst thing is putting them in the middle of a dysfunctional relationship because that can cause them more harm.

Nobody can make the decision on what to do but yourself but you do have to take a step back from the relationship and ask yourself one very important question. Would you be the person you want your children to see if you were to go back? What kind of person would you want to be for your children?

The most important part right now is that you get back to a healthy place and start living a healthier life. When you do that, everything else will fall in to place.

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theirdad

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« Reply #6 on: June 10, 2013, 02:18:50 AM »

I cannot convey the degree of gratitude I'm experiencing at the response I've gotten here.   Thank you all. Murbay, you said "Would you be the person you want your children to see if you were to go back? What kind of person would you want to be for your children?"  True wisdom, and of the kind I've always strived for, to whatever varying degrees I may have succeeded or failed.  Thank you
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