We're going on vacation

[toomanyeggshells]

... . and we're driving 600 miles ... . in the car ... . just the two of us.  My gut tells me its not going to be good, and that's just the ride there.  We'll still have five days there and the car ride back. 

UBPDbf insisted that he wanted to take a vacation this summer, which we squeezed in between his two hand surgeries. Since he's out of work due to the surgeries, he has no extra money but still wanted to take a vacation.  I just flew to my D23's college graduation and then threw her a party at our house, so I have no extra money. When I said to uBPDbf that I really have no money at this moment for a vacation, he went into his "you have money and time for everyone else but me" rage, so I agreed.  I'll scrape together some cash and we'll go. 

I sort of went off on a tangent there because his "guilt-ing" me into taking a vacation when I really can't afford it isn't the issue.  The issue is getting through the vacation being 600 miles from home. I guess the same rules apply - he goes into a rage, I take a room key and leave.  I won't hesitate to do that.  Things between us are so bad that I just can't imagine taking this show on the road.  Just the thought of a 10 hour car ride with him gives me the chills.  We can't even have a conversation in the car when we drive 5 minutes to a store.  No matter what I say on any subject, or in response to anything he says, is always the wrong thing or said with the wrong attitude, blah, blah, blah.

I'm going to take my ipod and headphones and if he starts in on me, I'll just zone out with some music.  Then he'll scream at me for ignoring him.  I've never NOT looked forward to a vacation this much in my life.

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[Mono No Aware]

Sounds like your expecations are 100% negative. frowny-face.jpg

Perhaps you could turn some of that around, and view this as an prime opportunity to have hours of uninteruppted one-on-one Validation, Support-Empathy-Truth, and firm but gentle Enforcement of Boundaries.

Also, you do love the guy, right? Just-the-two-of-us vacations are super-dates! Make the best of it.

[Bloomer]

I felt the same way going on our Honeymoon! A long plane trip and 24-7 time together sounded terrifying. However, because I wasn't "distracted" with anything else, he seemed happy about having "us" time. (Which he later threw at me as me being the one who was able to be 'normal' because he wasn't distracted) However, I know the truth, which is that they crave our attention. Try to take some deep breaths, or maybe get some anti-anxiety medication to help you settle if you are really at that extreme point, and remember that a big part of them disregulating is not feeling like we care about them. The more relaxed you are, I think the better chance you have of this actually being positive.

Even today we had a discussion about him not feeling like I was focusing enough on "us" and that I always am distracted by other things (like working and maintaining the household). But I know on vacation, I didn't have to do those things and he just had ME. So try to embrace that this might help him feel that you are there for him. Try to keep calm and handle your anxiety with the support of others. It's a lot of work but when we manage our emotions outside of the BPD relationship, I think it encourages less disregulation.

Feel free to PM me if you need to vent leading up to or on the trip. Read over the validation stuff. I think I need to read it everyday... .

 B.

[toomanyeggshells]

Sounds like your expecations are 100% negative.

You're right, they are, because of past history, but having that pointed out to me makes me realize I need to change my attitude about this. 

The more relaxed you are, I think the better chance you have of this actually being positive.

That's very true Bloomer.  I'll try to be relaxed and hope some of it rubs off on him.   However, he's very anxiety-ridden about every little detail of this trip.  I wish he would take some anti-anxiety medicine. 

You guys are both right, though.  I've had a bad attitude about this vacation because I'm worried about his behavior.  I know I can't control or change that so I have to just concern myself with me.

[sjm7411]

I can relate to this and understand where you are coming from.  It seems that every time we make weekend or vacation plans, everything unravels.  Or it could just be that everything unravels anyway on a weekly basis, and it just so happens to be at the same time as the vacation, so it feels like there's a connection between the two.  And every time we go away, there's a fight about one thing or another and the trip is ruined for me.  We have a similarly long road trip coming up in July that I am dreading.  Everything is booked and all I have on my mind these days is how to keep the marriage alive from one day to the next, so I'm not looking forward to the vacation.  I'm seriously struggling with my feelings towards him right now and the fact that he'd be in a good mood because he has my undivided attention just ticks me off even more. The last time we went away, he freaked out because I was taking photos and he felt like I wasn't paying attention to him.  So he's even jealous of my camera. 

[Bloomer]

I'm seriously struggling with my feelings towards him right now and the fact that he'd be in a good mood because he has my undivided attention just ticks me off even more. The last time we went away, he freaked out because I was taking photos and he felt like I wasn't paying attention to him.  So he's even jealous of my camera. 

It's so hard being so vital to someone when we all need things that make us happy as individuals, whether it's taking photos, baking, organizing, painting, etc. It seems that the things that have nothing to do with them tend to be common triggers. And especially when us nonBPDs are putting so much work into understanding BPD and managing our behavior for the success of our relationships, it can be enraging to have one of our "happy me things" taken away, because those things allow us to handle our responses to SOs better. We need those things or our heads will explode

[toomanyeggshells]

Everything is booked and all I have on my mind these days is how to keep the marriage alive from one day to the next, so I'm not looking forward to the vacation.  I'm seriously struggling with my feelings towards him right now and the fact that he'd be in a good mood because he has my undivided attention just ticks me off even more. The last time we went away, he freaked out because I was taking photos and he felt like I wasn't paying attention to him.  So he's even jealous of my camera. 

I'm in the exact same boat and feel the same way.  I know the first time my phone rings (whether its my grown kids, parents or a question from my boss or co-worker - all calls that I will answer), he's going to flip out.  On the other hand, its okay for him to take any call at any time.

Our r/s is day to day and I'm holding on by a thread.  Even if the vacation goes smoothly and we have a good time, eventually we have to come home to our "normal" life, which is anything but normal.

[toomanyeggshells]

It seems that the things that have nothing to do with them tend to be common triggers.

And that's because our attention gets diverted from them.  I've said a million times ... . he wants 100% of my attention 100% of the time - and its not realistic.  I know he can't process that in his mind but its a huge issue for us.