dealing with rage/anger after being discarded for the final time

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi all. Am new to the board. Everyone seems to be dealing in such a dignified way with everything.

I am not. My long boring story is posted elsewhere, in short it's a tale of recycling, exploitation and horrendous verbal/emotional abuse (involving a lot of projection by him so that although i was paying for his life I was the 'user' etc not him) and eventual downright theft. Followed by a high moral tone and a wish for me to 'improve' and 'let go of hate' in his final email. He is the narc type that has to see himself as moral, a higher being here to improve others.

I am really rreally stuck in agner and rage. 2 weeks ago I was his friend for life, there was no one in the world he valued more than me etc etc. Then I said I did not want sexual communication any more and the blinds went down. I asked for a bit of communication and was told to f** off, I am too needy, I am a psycho etc.

I do have depression etc and possible BPD myself (which may be what is leading me to act out with so much rage now).

anyway I have bombarded him with angry texts and emails about how he has used and lied to me and said every angry thing that I could. I know this isn't normal or healthy. Perhaps it is a sign of my own BPD  The thing is I believed his bullsh** about friendship and caring and I feel so so stupid and that I wasted 3 years on a complete pack of lies which shifted all the time.

he is secure that there is nothing at all wrong with him, he owes me nothing (more like £5,000 actually) and I am a psychopath who has damaged him irrevocably, but as he is a better person than me he will rise above it.

God I hate him so much. Been so dperessed these 4/5 days since his horrible final dismissal of me, can hardly move. What do I do to get past the hate/rage or is it just that he is right and I am a complete psycho?

[delusionalxox]

Hi all. Am new to the board. Everyone seems to be dealing in such a dignified way with everything.

I am not. My long boring story is posted elsewhere, in short it's a tale of recycling, exploitation and horrendous verbal/emotional abuse (involving a lot of projection by him so that although i was paying for his life I was the 'user' etc not him) and eventual downright theft. Followed by a high moral tone and a wish for me to 'improve' and 'let go of hate' in his final email. He is the narc type that has to see himself as moral, a higher being here to improve others.

I am really rreally stuck in agner and rage. 2 weeks ago I was his friend for life, there was no one in the world he valued more than me etc etc. Then I said I did not want sexual communication any more and the blinds went down. I asked for a bit of communication and was told to f** off, I am too needy, I am a psycho etc.

I do have depression etc and possible BPD myself (which may be what is leading me to act out with so much rage now).

anyway I have bombarded him with angry texts and emails about how he has used and lied to me and said every angry thing that I could. I know this isn't normal or healthy. Perhaps it is a sign of my own BPD  The thing is I believed his bullsh** about friendship and caring and I feel so so stupid and that I wasted 3 years on a complete pack of lies which shifted all the time.

he is secure that there is nothing at all wrong with him, he owes me nothing (more like £5,000 actually) and I am a psychopath who has damaged him irrevocably, but as he is a better person than me he will rise above it.

God I hate him so much. Been so dperessed these 4/5 days since his horrible final dismissal of me, can hardly move. What do I do to get past the hate/rage or is it just that he is right and I am a complete psycho?

[Tordesillas]

That all sounds like a lot to deal with... . I don't think anyone would expect you to be completely dignified in how you respond.  You seem self aware, which is probably a sign that you aren't "psycho" yourself.  That said, might as well follow that thread of self awareness and see where it goes.  Maybe you do have some BPD tendencies... . maybe other things?  I would think some therapy would help you regardless as it sounds like the depression is pretty intense... .

Either way you can't blame yourself for struggling.  What you have on your plate is really difficult.  I feel for you completely... .

[Octoberfest]

Hi all. Am new to the board. Everyone seems to be dealing in such a dignified way with everything.

I am not. My long boring story is posted elsewhere, in short it's a tale of recycling, exploitation and horrendous verbal/emotional abuse (involving a lot of projection by him so that although i was paying for his life I was the 'user' etc not him) and eventual downright theft. Followed by a high moral tone and a wish for me to 'improve' and 'let go of hate' in his final email. He is the narc type that has to see himself as moral, a higher being here to improve others.

I am really rreally stuck in agner and rage. 2 weeks ago I was his friend for life, there was no one in the world he valued more than me etc etc. Then I said I did not want sexual communication any more and the blinds went down. I asked for a bit of communication and was told to f** off, I am too needy, I am a psycho etc.

I do have depression etc and possible BPD myself (which may be what is leading me to act out with so much rage now).

anyway I have bombarded him with angry texts and emails about how he has used and lied to me and said every angry thing that I could. I know this isn't normal or healthy. Perhaps it is a sign of my own BPD  The thing is I believed his bullsh** about friendship and caring and I feel so so stupid and that I wasted 3 years on a complete pack of lies which shifted all the time.

he is secure that there is nothing at all wrong with him, he owes me nothing (more like £5,000 actually) and I am a psychopath who has damaged him irrevocably, but as he is a better person than me he will rise above it.

God I hate him so much. Been so dperessed these 4/5 days since his horrible final dismissal of me, can hardly move. What do I do to get past the hate/rage or is it just that he is right and I am a complete psycho?

Trust me, most all of us have not always been so "dignified" in dealing with these things.  I know for damn sure I have not.  I have been angry, sad, vengeful, depressed, and morose over my breakup.  I have been anything but healthy... . But delving a little deeper in, trying to gain insight through discussion and analysis, is how we heal. 

Let yourself grieve.  I held all of my sadness, anger, and depression in for 4 days and it nearly killed me... . I wouldn't let myself cry.  And when I finally did it was incredibly healing.  As you read and post on this message board you will begin to realize that your BPDSO's behavior is about HIM, not YOU.  You will learn to take what he did less personally, because if he truly does have BPD, he does the same thing to everyone he gets close to.

Hang in there.

[johnnyonthespot]

I think you are very early out, and your reactions and emotions are entirely rational, even

appropriate. Anger is important; it'll prevent you from getting hurt in the future, especially by this one person.

Make two promises to yourself nonetheless... . bar revenge, and go no-contact. Block everything... . immediately.

I'm certain that feels impossible right now, but if your will-power can carry you through, you WILL be grateful you did those things.

[delusionalxox]

Thanks to you all and this board (and my wonderful kids who always remind me what there is to live for) I have managed to go no contact this afternoon (! well 3 hours actually! heheh)

I don't like this desire in myself for acknowledgement- it's that more than revenge-- I want an apology from him- and I will never, ever get it. He is convinced he is great, and very probably moved on to someone else a couple of weeks ago (when his tone changed abruptly). He is very very handsome and charming. But what I really loved about him was the apparent vulnerability.

I guess that is how BPD guys really get under your skin, because they are emotional and emotional men are so rare!

I still feel bruised, and like someone poured acid over me. Every muscle is aching as if I've been through a marathon or something! But I've been mostly in bed or cowering in the house for 4 days! weird.

Thanks all this board is a godsend. xxx

[VeryFree]

It seems like you're going to some tough times.

I think I know what you're feeling: I've been there. After I had left my own house I was feeling angry, sad, devestated, afraid, vendictive and so on for days. During the months that passed those feelings came and went. Looking back it was (and is) a very hard time, but I'm very happy, that I didn't do anything silly.

I just stayed decent. I didn't lower myself like she did.

When I felt angry, I would take a walk.

When I was sas, I would just cry.

When I felt devestated, I would try to do something else.

When I felt afraid I would try to speak to friends.

When I felt vendictive I would think of myself: would I feel better if I started behaving like she did? Probably at first, but not for a long time. Realising that we have to look in the mirror tomorrow helped a lot.

Be dignified. Stay on top.

Take care!

[delusionalxox]

Hi VeryScared

unfortunately I have already 'lowered myself' and have done so many times in the relationship before. Makes it easier for him to take the moral  high ground. (Apparently his theft and exploitation were 'sharing' etc... . only I shared and he didn't)

the sense of injustice and stupidity (mine) is just overwhelming. I feel really ashamed and like nothing. Like if I allow this excuse of a person to use me, what the hell am I?

You lost your house eh? I lost mine in a previous divorce! But I think that I was more the 'bad guy' then (was unfaithful in incredibly stupid and very BPD way) so I gave it up. Unfortunately my ex husband (not the BPD ex, but he has his own problems) is holding me in an awful non-divorce situation (keeps failing to file papers, release me from mortgage etc cos he is 'busy' etc- and has been ffor FIVE YEARS! Unbelievable, I think a lot is punishment for the way I behaved but we have kids and he needs to move on and help us find a home rather than hindering us. This stress on top of many others (failures at work etc) have driven me over the edge. I definitely nearly attempted suicide 2 weeks ago as I could feel BPD ex slipping away. It was such a dark time. I felt I had nothing left except the kids. To some extent I still feel that. I feel like a stupid and worthless person, nearly as bad as BPD ex!

The thing is in some stupid way I was trying to do good. To help him stabilise and be responsible, I drew boundaries eg made him leave when it was clear he was just trying to exploit me and live off me.I tried to make him get a job, see that his extreme jealousy was totally misplaced etc. Wanted to help him grow up. I just wasn't consistent enough and horribly prone to the recycling and his games. I guess cos I am lonely and don't see much else good coming my way. He was 'too good' for me physically, etc. All very shallow really :/

[VeryFree]

Hi Servalan83

I'm sorry to hear you're having such a hard time.

Just want to give one advice: don't be to hard on yourself!

A lot of us have been in an abusive r/s. And we all did things during that r/s we aren't proud of. Some of those things are the  of being with a BPD. Other things come from our own background.

What should be the difference is that we (now) see what we did wrong. You mention that you've lowered yourself, you feel ashamed, you were the 'bad guy'. Okay. We all make mistakes. Living is about making mistakes, and doing things better in the future.

Have you thought about why you made your mistakes? And how you can prevent making them again?

Do you have help to look at yourself (T, friends, family)?

Keep posting, keep reading. Take care.

 

[delusionalxox]

re my mistakes in the past veryscared, I still don't know. perhaps because my ex husband (well still husband actually!) is not letting me move on by granting a divorce, I think I still feel stuck in all the shame and self hatred of that.

I have a long history of severe depression with intense self hate. I think at some level I felt I deserved punishment.

Also, in both bad and good ways he was everything my cool, insouciant and detached husband was not. Passionate, emotional, open and apparently without any front or filter. Like a child! Which he turned out to be... .

So ultimately i just feel I have f**ed up in two very different ways. No wonder I wanted to die!

I think I grew up with an undiagnosed BPD/NPD mother. So the themes of fusion, rage and abandonment are prominent in my life.

I have found it hard to believe, that BPD ex has given up on me. When he was abusing me and making demands I guess I felt needed? God that's very sick.

I think I mentioned above that a major trigger for his detachment procedure (which took months of recycling etc) was that I refused to 'consult him' when I was buying a house for me and the kids. He took continually from me financially and expected a degree of control commensurate with a patriarch. He had no job in UK and little chance of one in the near future, but expected me either to rent until he deigned to live there or to give him first choice of 'his' future home!

At that point I should have cut contact entirely as he was quite clearly insane. And there were many other moments of equivalent breathtaking entitlement and outrageous demands which when refused led to astonishing, vitriolic abuse. I was a 'materialist', a 'psychopath', a 'fake', a 'user' (he even managed to project entirely by claiming I had stolen from him?), a 'bi-bhit' ('two times bhit', 'evil', he would 'never forget what I had done to him' etc.

Then I would take him back. I have to deal with this behaviour of mine that was so self destructive. Alright I behaved badly in previous years but I didn't deserve that. Yet at some level I think I thought I did. Very sick.

[laelle]

Did he live in the UK?

[bb12]

Servalan, you've got to forgive yourself first and foremost.

It's mind bending stuff and the lashing out is normal. The stuff that lingers the longest for me is my own crazy behaviour but it is a dance - two players.

Give yourself some slack and just know on some level that you responded as best you could at the time. Hell, a saint might have cracked when faced with borderline debating tricks.

But introspection is the next step. You may not be BPD but there are other entrenched beliefs that may have kept you in it longer than is healthy and that comes with associated rage.

See a counsellor and read up on codependency, and other personality disorders that might be more suited to you

And keep posting! This forum is invaluable!

Bb12

[delusionalxox]

Thanks everyone. Yeah codependent sounds about right

In that sense I have to see that him cutting me off now was probably his only gift to me. Yeah a decent person would have cared about me being pregnant and on my own etc. But he's not a decent person at all, he just poses as one. I am sure I am being slagged off as a psycho bhit to all his adoring family and friends.

The thing is I realised today very strongly that I didn't behave as badly as he did, whattever I did. i didn't steal from him, make unreasonable financial and emotional demands, try to stop him doing specific things like having the odd drink or reading or 'sitting too far away from him' (! yeah that was an early sign of insane jealousy), break into his email and accuse him of arranging orgies (!) with female friends who he considered dangerously liberal (for instance all bisexual female friends and all males were considered to be my sexual partners if I exchanged email with them).

His utter craziness has come back into my mind today. As he was detaching from me the last few months and trying just to use me for sex he was less obviously insanely jealous and appeared to me more reasonable, but it was just another fake act.

He did find a shred of condom wrapper under the bed which must have been there since the last time he visited, and threw it at me when I was on the phone in the kitchen in March, refusing to believe it could have been there all that time. But there had been no one else. He was just convinced I was a liberal bisexual whore because i have had a brief patch of sexual experimentation in my past that I made the mistake of telling him about.

I have a lot of problems but he was sick. And it was not worth it.

Now I have to get over my sense that the three years with him have finished me for life somehow... . disillusioned me with everything and made me feel I was the crazy one which was so untrue. I feel deeply jaded and scarred as if I'll never feel happiness or trust again.

[rollercoaster24]

Hi Servalan83,

Many things you have experienced with your ex partner, are identical to my ex. I often read through posts on these boards, (usually always posted on the staying or unsure boards), but was looking for people who had partners that did not work, so I could identify more with their very same struggles.

I am so sorry to hear of your incredible pain, I can totally relate though, so know that you are not alone, reach out when you need to, and at the very least, even if you vent here on these boards, like so many of us do from time to time, you don't even have to end up posting them, but just writing it all out seems to help somewhat in your healing process!

For me, my BP was already unemployed two years when he met me, he had been 'hanging out' with his older brother, getting drunk and stoned on a regular basis, as I later found out. His brother actually told him about me, as he had spotted me at the shopping centre I work at, and told BP to go there and use the 'spotlessly cleaned facilities'. BP also mentioned his brother told him I was 'hot' and appeared to be single and very nice too.

When the daily denigrations of me and my job started, I  reminded BP that he was there to meet me, and it seemed premeditated, he denied having told me, (conveniently).

Oh, it never ceases to amuse me, how well their ability is to re-write history to paint themselves in such a good light.

That was how I met him actually, in the car-park, he was sitting in his car, watching me walking around doing my job, and as I approached his car, and smiled, (I always try to smile at most people I encounter, if they are making eye contact) he got out of his car and said 'HI'. That was how it all began, as friends.

For the whole three years we have had an 'interaction', he has been unemployed and receiving an unemployment payment from the Government in this country, (the dole is the slang term here). On the side, he steals car parts from wrecking yards, and sells them on Ebay, he also gets a fair bit of free stuff from roadside recycling and sells that too. In between those payments, he gets money from his elderly parents, they have fed him, provided him with accommodation, and utilities, then he also gets support from me, that has never stopped, during his frequent abusive 'episodes', (usually weekly). He smokes my smokes, helps himself seconds after abusing me, and has the biggest sense of entitlement and chip on his shoulder I have ever seen. His monthly loans from a local business have never stopped either, and his credit card balance has not gone down for two years. No sooner is he paying what is due, the next few days he draws cash back out of it, and never ceases to complain how 'tough' he is doing it, compared to all us fat cats with our luxuries, and pathetic jobs.

I am soo glad he does not live with me anymore, (for the first two years he did). Yes, I am sad, but I would be dead by now if he was still here. It is bad enough that I have watched him threatening his parents lives, once having a 72 hour restraining order put on him last year, after he threatened his Father's life with a weapon. He denied this, when the police asked. His Mother and Father are just as disordered as he is really, because one minute the Mother sides with the Father, against the son, and the next she sides with the son against the Father, (her own insecurites about the Father being 'unfaithful' to her).

His Mother gave him $260 a few weeks back to pay his car registration, he had well had enough money to pay it several times over prior, but had been driving around in it anyway, uninsured, and blowing any money he received. For a few days, his Mother was elevated back to pure Sainthood, but that didn't last long. The next time she tried setting a boundary again, when he was abusing use of their phone, she laid a guilt trip on him, and he had to ring me from a phone box, I heard the rage when he spotted her at the park, nearby taking a walk.

As of Sunday/Monday morning, BP and I are no more. He assaulted me, smashed my phone, damaged my car, threatened my life, threw away my car keys so I couldn't leave, but threatened me if I didn't walk off, he was going to beat me to death. I had no shoes, (wet ground) no car/house keys, was 40 minutes drive from my home at 2am, and nowhere else to go, I have no relatives/friends in his suburb.

I managed to run off and find a kind neighbour in the end, that rang the police for me, but honestly? I may as well have rang the "boys club' for all the assistance I really got.

It seemed in the end, that BP was the victim, he certainly got more attention than I did, (very cunning and intelligent). I had NC for the past four days, and today he rings, not one heartfelt apology, just more justifications on why he has done what he has done, and more over, what has happened to him instead.

I wouldn't expect anything less.

I am supposed to feel sorry for him though, because he can't help it.

[danley]

Rollercoaster,

I know how how you feel when saying he can't help it. But physical acts of violence aren't good at all. I'm.Sorry you're going thru the trauma and I definitely related to feeling Sorry for him. Protect yourself from the physical violence. My ex never got physical with me. But emotional abuse is just as bad. It's different but still abuse. I too feel Sorry for him because it's heartbreaking to see him go from good to bad.

Take time to heal and realize that you are valuable and shouldn't have to be faced with physical out lashes. Him calling to justify his actions is a weak. Sounds like he doesn't like to take responsibility for his mistakes. Take care of yourself and avoid him. He's broken your things, probably your spirit, and who's to say what else he can break. You don't deserve this.

[delusionalxox]

Oh Rollercoaster that is AWFUL. you must feel so so angry. although you are restraining it well.

You went NC in the days after that horrible treatment? you're tougher than I am. I used to get engaged in long strings of abusive email and text with BPD ex. I've sent a few in the last few days too (ahem... . just a few) but stopped after going on this forum, it has really helped.

There seem to be many similarities. Was your ex by any chance an 'artist'? Mine was a musician, computer programmer and actually very talented but no way was he going to dirty his hands doing teaching etc as other aspiring academics have to do, he had IMPORTANT things to do and in the meantime I was expected to fund him.

He has a property in his name which his father gave to him in lieu of giving his mother a decent divorce settlement (! sign of some of his originary traumas there I think) so has always had a very small, poverty line income. Enough for him to live a relatively comfortable, frugal student life while scavving off other people.

Since i threw him out of my home in UK (but not far enough out of my life... . I waited for him to do that... . why?) he has been living alternately with his father and elder sister who cook and clean for him and let him slob around. There are reasons these guys feel so entitled, they have always got slaves somewhere :/

God yeah the thing you said about using your stuff after abusing you really, really rings a bell. I think using people exercises a form of parasitic aggression for these people. Ex would goad me to throw him out when I asked him to stop using me and give me just a little money for bills- and shout in my face 'I owe you nothing!' etc. Being a king of drama and projection he also managed somehow to accuse me of lying (I think I had asked for some money back or something and insisted on it! The outrage!)

You may have read on one of my other posts, that I had a minor amount of dope which I was keeping for emergencies. He is a massive dope addict and has frequently had me buy dope for him on the pretext of 'smoking it together'= something I don't really like, tbh. So he would just sit/lie there recycling up the dope obsessively until it was all gone and focus on nothing else. One time I had come to his country to see him, he made me buy dope and then just lay in the hotel room smoking himself into a stupid torpor while I had nothing to do.

God he really was such a waste of time! What the hell was my rescuing self thinking? No one so selfish is worth that. The sex was good but I think that was just because he was very pretty and highly emotional (fake/selfish emotion though)! . And no pretty surface or temporary pleasure is worth tolerating that level of supreme dysfunctionality.

I am sure if I were to speak to ex now he would be spitting about all the terrible evils I inflicted on him but now, I know better. But he did make me doubt myself a lot.

The stuff about orgies with my female friends though is such laughable and stupid projection (and a sign of his very conservative upbringing in southern Italy) that I think of it constantly now whenever I feel a slight twinge for him. Was your ex also insanely jealous?

Mostly I just feel stupid and a bit done in but today I did feel better. I can believe now that my life without this human vortex in my life will be better and I will have energy for  me, not draining off into his constant bloody dramas and demands all the time!

You must be feeling in terrible shock. I was too. I don't think there is any escaping the pain. It's like the nursery rhyme: 'you cant go over it, you can't go under it, you cant' go round it, you've got to go through it'... . a very big hug for you, please pm me if you'd like.

xx

[delusionalxox]

Sorry when I wrote accused me of 'lying' (which he did all the time on other occasions)  I mean accused me of theft from him . I really don't know how even he manufactured that accusation, it took a real feat of imagination. He really was a bull___ter of the highest order (excuse language)... .

I can laugh about it now at least. He was like a histrionic opera queen always screeching about injustice and in the most childish way (like a five year old shouting 'no YOU smell I DONT smell' etc) would have to turn any valid criticism or request for change/improvement onto the other person. he loses a lot fo friends this way too by complaining with astonishing hypocrisy about faults he displays himself, such as being unreliable.

He did get abandoned by his mother (whom he now adores) at 5 too, and hardly saw her for another 5 years. I guess that is the source of a lot of the damage, and he got stuck at that age. So now he puts women in the carer position, forces them to give to him with immense emotional blackmail, totally overrides their personal boundaries with emotional and other demands, and simultaneously tries to denigrate and control them as much as he can and make them accept his superiority (while acting like their teenage son.) Eh, one day I might even feel sorry for the guy but my pity is out atm.

[delusionalxox]

Rollercoaster btw do you know what you saw in BPD ex originally?

Obviously for both of us the 'exploitative loser' red flags were flying high but we ignored them.

I am not criticising you in any way but I guess as I am trying to do it will help (when you are over the shock) to look at why you ever felt this guy was a good bet for you. I am trying to work out why I allowed myself to be damaged and denigrated so much. I do have a BPD/NPD mother so maybe it all felt familiar to me, a role I know and can act very well. Not any more though!

[rollercoaster24]

Oh Servalan83!

I so totally relate to everything you just wrote!

Yes, he was INSANELY jealous, he was always accusing me of lying, he stole from me, often raged every three days, seemed to have one set of rules for himself, and one for everyone else, every day was a denigration/projection session on how evil everyone is in my life, and his parents.

Here, I will give you a little history on "Mr Entitlement".

To be fair, he obviously grew up in a totally dysfunctional environment and still lives in one now, with those very same parents, however, like you say, he has 'slaves' his Mother, (quite likely other women than me, and quite likely giving him money as well). From what the Mother has told me over these years, her husband, ( BP's Father) was exactly the same, she says he was worse, but I do not believe so.

The Mother never sought help or healing, either for herself, or her children, she did admit to me that the Father was absent for some time from the house, (so that says they had separated temporarily).

This amuses me, because BP always liked to point out, how 'dysfunctional' my children are/were, because they came from a 'separated family'. HUH.

He may well have conveniently forgotten that his own Father and Mother separated, or maybe he has blocked that memory because it is too painful. I prefer to think the former myself.

BP went to university and had a degree in a mining science by 21. He always says he 'did it tough' as a young adult, his parents 'never' helped him out financially, (I wonder what he called being shouted a trip to England with them at the age of 17?) and he had to learn to stand on his own two feet and become 'independent' at a very young age.

He still, whilst living in a shed at his parents, (at almost 46 years of age, and having been back and forwards to them for the last 13 years, maintains his independent haughty self-opinion). Anyone can see looking in, that he is the very last thing away from independence.

When I met him, I asked him how many relationships he had had, and partners, he said about 100, and laughed.

I thought I was bad!

I still to this day, don't really know if he was lying, or telling the truth, but it is pretty sad if he was, it kind of doesn't make sense, since he makes out he was a bit of a prude, and straight up all his life. Especially how badly he treated me, when I opened up about some of the things I had done as a single person in the early stages of getting to know each other, then only friends.

He did have quite a few relationships, saying his first serious one, was at the age of 14, he said it lasted until he was 17, and then he went straight into having casual sex. He says that was the best relationship he ever had, and that he really broke her heart in dumping her and telling her his reason.

I did say, that if it was that great a relationship, then why did he dump her? (and really, as children, it isn't much of a test for real life relationship pressures as adults).

He then, went on, and had several more relationships, with little time between each one, from the sound of it. Each of them, he says were great relationships, but they all ran off with 'other blokes'. It sounds like a few of them got pregnant to him, and all aborted the babies, only to settle down and have children with other blokes.

I said 'It sounds like you think they were cheating on you', and he would get irate about it, and be nasty to me, insisting they weren't but inferring they were. Classic splitting there.

His last one, he almost went to the altar, she was blonde, (his obsession) and she apparently screwed him over, tried to take all his money for their wedding etc, and left for Germany, for another bloke too.

Since he was still stalking her on Facebook, and likely still is, I managed to contact her, and just ask her if a major factor in her ditching him at the altar so to speak, was because he was abusive?

She wrote back, and said "Yes, he was very abusive towards the end'. She also told me, that for the first year, he was OK, and then he started becoming nasty and abusive to her. She, with the support of friends, informed him one night that she wanted him to attend counselling with her, or the whole wedding was off, he refused, and moved out of her apartment, (the one he said he was paying for! but knowing him, that would have been sporadic, and inconsistently).

His story?

She was a suspected lesbian, he paid for her whole education, and she never worked, (her parents were rich and spoiled her) she dumped him at Christmas time, and he caught her trying to steal all the money out of their wedding account to pay for her holiday to Germany, where she ran off, presumably because she had a 'new bloke' . He says she married this guy and had two boys with him, sending him pictures of them some years later. He says she just randomly sent them, but I don't believe that, he has never stopped talking about her, since he met me. I don't believe he is truly over her, and likely never will be.

After that relationship, he did not have another serious one for ten years or more, until he met me.

Oh of course he had casual experiences for that whole time, one was with a married woman, and when I met him, he was hanging out in a nearby city, (the one he has regularly visited for weekly nights since he met me) with an old girlfriend of his best friend, and her friends. He spent a lot of time with his friends ex, she had a little girl he was getting close to, but he insisted he 'wasn't interested in a romance, only friendship with her'.

Problem was, she was also friends with some 'very bad guys', meth addicts, of whom he was being asked to rescue her from. He says she made a pass at him, by grabbing his genitals once, and called him 'impotent' because he didn't respond sexually.

I was told he believed they were all hookers, as one of them or two of them worked doing 'massage'. And they were all advertising on local sex hook up sites, which he says he saw their ads on, so he knew.

What was he doing, browsing local hook up sites for casual sex? if he was not interested in that type of behavior? He says that the last time he saw them, around 6 months before he met me, he picked one up to have a cup of tea with, and she was on her phone to other blokes, the whole time she was in the car with him. He verbally abused her in the middle of the city driving around in his car, and abruptly dumped her out on to the street, publicly humiliating her and then driving off like a madman.

The whole story he told me about these females was pretty confusing, but he was smart enough to never show me exactly where any of them lived. He of course, demanded to know the addresses of every single male friend I had, just incase he needed to make sure I was not off visiting them behind his back.

He never wanted to meet any of my friends, and regularly denigrated all of them to me, destroying any good feelings I had, both about myself, and them. That's classic, isolate you from all forms of support.

I don't know if any of this resonates, sorry for dragging on so long, I could write much more, but I don't want to bore you with my 'venting'.

Sounds like these two could almost have been brothers!

[rollercoaster24]

Hi and thanks to Danley too.

You are right, I have spent the last 5 days, trying to recover from the very real emotional scars. Just when my mood/motivation was starting to pick up again yesterday, BP phones up. I was not expecting to hear from him again, as I had sent two emails, (after the breakup, and no closure kind of emails) and he put them in his junk box and did not read them anyway, (so he said, but did read them yesterday). The second one was pretty brief, I was in so much pain on the Monday immediately after the assault, that I asked him why he did not just murder me the first time he tried, at least then he could have spared me the same kind of pain ongoing anyway.

I was not abusive in any way in either of them, although if I had had my phone working, I certainly would have sent too many texts telling him off, with a few choice expletives thrown in. When I think back to it, he has put me through weekly breakups now for three years. There was probably four whole weeks, (although not consecutive) where his mood has been relatively stable for the entire time I have known him.

Although, certainly, since I found this website, I at least understood what was going on, so that made it all that much easier. I definately tried all the techniques available here, and before knowing about them, was putting that kind of stuff into practice anyway. It was just the eternal provocations, antagonisms and goading that was so crazy making. When he would finally get his desired response from me, (despite all my best efforts to defuse things and walk safely away or ask him to leave until he had calmed down) it was like he won, because then he could call me 'abusive' and go back to victim mode fully.

Such as, 'you threw me onto the street' , 'you kicked me out every week', 'you called the police on me', 'I had nothing when I left your house and you abandoned me'.

The real truth, is that he ALWAYS had somewhere else to go, he was not homeless at all, and I, (more often than not) gave him money for petrol, and smokes. If he was being particularly abusive, and helped himself to my smokes at the same time, I would occasionally say, "No, sorry, someone who is abusing me does not have any rights to my personal property or handouts'. This would either prompt more abuse, or he would just grab them anyway, and I had to use what the police here call, 'reasonable force' to remove him from my home, if he refused to leave peacefully.

Each time, he would disappear for a few days, (who knew where if he had money and did not return to his parents), he would always be the first to call back, I would always be the one, 95% to go NC.

I would listen to his seemingly heartfelt apologies, I would apologise for my part too, but always explain to him, that I did not ever want him to leave, he just wasn't leaving me with any option but that, if he refused to act with maturity and go somewhere to cool off. I said I did not want to argue, on this endless cycle of who did what to whom, I was more interested in moving past those issues, now they were resolved, and focus on the positives of the future together.

I always got told for the first two years, that he knew he had mental problems, but was afraid to do anything like go see a doctor, or go on medication yet.

I would validate how he felt, but gently suggested that perhaps if he was prepared to have a look out there, he might find that his beliefs about the whole process might be a little outdated now a days.

I always said to him, that research was a never ending hobby of mine, as I had my own issues I had worked on for a lifetime, and nowadays there is just such a supportive modern attitude out there, for both sexes, it really is wonderful.

His idea of mental health issues, fits with 'the old men in white coats, lobotomies, and people dribbling in straight jackets, walking around wards in old hospitals.

Sadly, he never even went to visit a GP, all he has done, with consistency, is complain chronically, blame everyone else, including his relationship with me, and me, it felt like eternal punishment, the whole relationship. If it wasn't the people in my life, who had been rude to him, it was my job, my friends, the stress, my ex, my children, there was always some reason, some excuse for him to act like a real ___* to me and around me.

[delusionalxox]

When he would finally get his desired response from me, (despite all my best efforts to defuse things and walk safely away or ask him to leave until he had calmed down) it was like he won, because then he could call me 'abusive' and go back to victim mode fully.

Such as, 'you threw me onto the street' , 'you kicked me out every week', 'you called the police on me', 'I had nothing when I left your house and you abandoned me'

Oh lord yes revolver mine followed the exact same script TO THE WORD!

It is a certain type eh- the borderline Man Child/Aggressive Waif?

You just know don't you too... . that those girls on the hookup sites were people he was obsessively hooking up with or planning to. and he probably stole from the German woman himself, or claimed some of her money as her own, then projected the 'theft' onto her.

I would quite like to talk to some of BPD ex's exes too... . because sometimes I still doubt my own sanity and feel it must have been me somehow... . but they all dumped him or left him for other people and the majority no longer speak to him... . in one case he really would not let go having made the poor girl's life a misery and dumped her then gone crazy when he came back from  holiday to find her going out with someone else. What he said about that made my flesh creep: 'I told her I knew she had been with someone else but I that I loved her and I would forgive her and take her back'. ! Again the complete sense of entitlement to her as an object and he would 'forgive' her for sensibly leaving him for someone better!

I felt weak again today, typed out a couple of angry texts to him. I can imagine him having fun in the sun while I'm indoors sick from being pregnant by him! And a lot of other awful stuff happening with  my job and house. It's like I am under a curse atm. Ex husband (not the BPD ex, an earlier ex, still a w*nker but not BPD ) has held up my house purchase by 8 weeks out of sheer inertia and incompetence. I am now going to lose the house I was looking forward to having with my kids.

I don't know how I will get through this time. Want to ring up BPD ex and screech at him how much I hate him and hope he is suffering as  much as I am! But I won't, I have got to be better than him or how can I look at myself... .