No Contact seems to be working

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have been strick No Contact for 30 days now. I feel, after two to six years (depends on if I count the affair or divorce) that the FOG is finally starting to lift. For the first time in years I'm starting to feel like my old self.

  I tried a number of different approaches to ease the pain. I tried begging, punnishing, being friends, being friendly - to, finally, No Contact.

  I decided to go NC when I read a post from PDQuick from many years ago. He talked about how the two "children" (Lonely Child and Abandon Child) end up just opening up old wound on each other. They just keep hurting one another until one of the "kids" decides not to play anymore.

   30 days ago was my last conversation with my ex. The whole conversation was us taking turns hurting each other. We said some very personal things to one another that cut to the very core of our wounds. I was very ashamed at the way I lashed out and I was very hurt from the words she said.

  After that conversation, I was up late reading some old posts and came across PDQuicks post. It was exactly what was happening.

  I decided not to play anymore. Yes, I love her dearly. But we would destroy each other if we kept playing the game. I decided that I did not want to be hurt any longer and I did not want to hurt her anymore. Time to end the pain and start healing.

  So... . Back to the point. No Contact was very hard to start. That meant no cyber stalking, no checking, no anything to do with the ex. 30 days have passed and I'm feeling much better. I still have good days and bad days. But the good days are getting better and longer. 

 

[hellnback]

I have been strick No Contact for 30 days now. I feel, after two to six years (depends on if I count the affair or divorce) that the FOG is finally starting to lift. For the first time in years I'm starting to feel like my old self.

  I tried a number of different approaches to ease the pain. I tried begging, punnishing, being friends, being friendly - to, finally, No Contact.

  I decided to go NC when I read a post from PDQuick from many years ago. He talked about how the two "children" (Lonely Child and Abandon Child) end up just opening up old wound on each other. They just keep hurting one another until one of the "kids" decides not to play anymore.

   30 days ago was my last conversation with my ex. The whole conversation was us taking turns hurting each other. We said some very personal things to one another that cut to the very core of our wounds. I was very ashamed at the way I lashed out and I was very hurt from the words she said.

  After that conversation, I was up late reading some old posts and came across PDQuicks post. It was exactly what was happening.

  I decided not to play anymore. Yes, I love her dearly. But we would destroy each other if we kept playing the game. I decided that I did not want to be hurt any longer and I did not want to hurt her anymore. Time to end the pain and start healing.

  So... . Back to the point. No Contact was very hard to start. That meant no cyber stalking, no checking, no anything to do with the ex. 30 days have passed and I'm feeling much better. I still have good days and bad days. But the good days are getting better and longer. 

 

[seeking balance]

Glad you are feeling like your old self 

[hellnback]

Thank you SeekingBalance. Your story as well has inspired me. Although I am not as far along as you are, your insight moves me along at a good pace

Peace

[bpdspell]

30 days is a great start and No Contact is the just the right prescription of time and space that the doctor (that would be us) has ordered to put an end to participating in toxic dysfunction.

It's quite empowering to experience success in reclaiming our lives back by getting off the roller coaster. My ex and I also fought bitterly in the end... . hurling below the belt insults at one another, giving each other cruel treatment and really lashing out in negative and painful communication. The threat of physical violence loomed as well and that's when I knew I had to put an end to things for good.

What are you hopeful for now?

[stronger123]

Hi any advice would help plz. I think my h has BPD... . from what doc says and the craziness our marriage.  I saw him split in front of me... . it was the worst feeling ever. I tried to help him but he said like always " there is nothing wrong wirh me" when there clearly was! He went from putting me on a pedastool all these years (12.5) in total to completly lost interest in me. I suspected he was cheating again (like 8 years ago) as there was tbe same pattern. ... . and I left him a not saying our marriage was over due ro his mental health... . well the next day I went bk to our house he wasnt there... . he abandoned rhe house so I had to h

Nd my notice in and take on the responsibilities to sorting the things out in the house to move oout... . 6weeks later he contacts me ... . couldnt understand where all his stuff was where I put it etc... . but he misses me so much my dog and cats n family yet he sahs " were just not meant to be together" yet he insists he needs to have me as a friens in his life ans cant not ever have me as a friend... . what the hell when hes done this to me? Then four wek later he comes and visits my mum ( which he used to be very close to and thats whre I live now) and I wss at work ( he knew rhat) and he crys to my mum and feels guilty etc ... . what hes said to me etc... . but he didnt mena it... . ( he then wrote me a small letter saying he misses me etc) and if I want anything dont be afriad to contact him... . ( which I havnt contacted him) and nealry 4 moths down the line I still havnt seen him face to face  ( which im hoping to at some point cause I need to explain hiw I feel) and nows hes put on fb pics of him and another women ( I think but shes such a downgrade fro. Me!)). What will happen next any ideas... . whats the next stage? Xx

[hellnback]

Hello Stronger123,

  Ohhh Boy! I played her game for 6 years while she lived back in forth between our home and her boyfriends home. Things got really wierd and they kept getting stranger. Now she lives with her boyfriend and raises his kids. She doesn't have much to do with our kids. It's very sad.

  My advice to you would have to be to stay NC and read some of 2010's posts and some PDQuick's posts. These two helped me understand what I was up against.

  None of their actions will make sence to you. In fact, they will appear down right hurtful to you. I tried everything to make our marriage work. I mean everthing! The more I tried, the worse I hurt.

  They seem to live in constant fear and shame. The fear and shame become anger to protect themselves and they put the blame on us to cover up thier shame. I don't fully understand thier mind and have grown tired trying to figure it out.

   However, since I have begun NC, I have found that my focus has been on ME now. I find myself ashamed that I played her game for so long. I missed out on a lot of good things in life because I was focused on HER issues. You are going to hear this a lot and you're going to have to figure out what it means to you but, you have to love and take care of yourself now. It's the only way out.

  I think it was PDQuick who said that the only way to win the game is not to play.

 

BPDspell - I am hopeful that I can be the man I want to be. That I can be happy again. I am hopeful that I can pull my family back together and give my kids the life they deserve. It is very hard to do with my ex always dividing us and causing choas. But I have to believe that I can do it.

I have to believe that God has put me on this path for a reason. I hope this experience will make me a better man and a better dad.

[stronger123]

Hello hellnback. Thank you foe yr reply. Wow all of on here have been so traumatised by our exs! Ive became hardened to it all now. And ive enrolled in therapy for myself:) start nxt week ( actually looking foward to it).

[simplyasiam]

hello hellandback. i was with my ex 5 years also very on and off. im also at 30 days of no contact and feeling a little better. just wondering did you ever know of your ex when away from you to seem like a normal person and over all that held her back?