NC with exBPD but confused... we have a 6 week old son together

[love_to_love]

I initated NC with my exBPD the day my son was born. I am confused and concerned that Im doing the wrong thing by keeping him from his son but also worry about the damage he will inflict on my son if I allow contact. Very torn. I am not emotionally detached from him yet, as it has only been 6 weeks and feel if I were to have contact with him I will fall back to the weak, insecure point I was at for over a year. I still feel weak and I do miss him. His attempts at contact, to which I have not replied, are making me miss him. We had always talked about getting matching diamond tattoos on our wedding fingers instead of rings (we were engaged) and come to find out he got his. Which I verified when I saw a picture of him on a mutual friends fb page. This kills me cuz it makes me think he really does love me and that it could work. Then i look at our history and remember all the hurt, degradation, humiliation, manipulation etc and know it is unhealthy and unsafe (he has phsically abused me twice) Help and please ask questions to clarify anything that will help you help me help myself!

[love_to_love]

I feel like im about to break and contact him after 6 weeks no contact... . please HELP!

[seeking balance]

Well, parenting together doesn't actually lend itself to NC, does it?  Has he relinquished all rights?

It is normal to feel unstable right now, exactly what are you hoping to have happen if you did call him?

[love_to_love]

We live in different states and I did not put him on the birth certificate. So he has no legal rights. He hasnt taken the initiative to get righs to his first child who s now 4 years old, so I doubt hevwould attempt to with our son.

I guess it isnt neccesarily that Im hoping for anything in contacting him.  I more or less am at a point of anger, at myself, at him, our situation. I want to tell him how he has flipped my world upside down, ask him how he could love me when his actions were the opposite, I dunno. Im jst feeling so lost ad sad. I want him to care i guess. And genuinely care. Or I want to put closure to this.

[love_to_love]

BPDex contacted me this morning via FB message (we are not friends on fb any longer) and said "I love you with all my heart and don't wanna live without you" "It would be nice to get a phone call with your pretty voice on the other end"

Im trying to remember that it is easy for him to spit these words out with no real meaning behind them, but WHY?  Why would he he say something like that after previously making me work so hard to keep him, like I was the lucky to have him?

Im so confused   

[seeking balance]

BPDex contacted me this morning via FB message (we are not friends on fb any longer) and said "I love you with all my heart and don't wanna live without you" "It would be nice to get a phone call with your pretty voice on the other end"

Im trying to remember that it is easy for him to spit these words out with no real meaning behind them, but WHY?  Why would he he say something like that after previously making me work so hard to keep him, like I was the lucky to have him?

Im so confused   

He said those words because he felt them in the moment, but he has no idea those words come with a set of responsibilities he is not able to fulfill.  At least history shows this, right?

Of course you are confused, this is normal.  Once we decide to move on, many emotions come into play - anger, sadness, depression, longing - when they contact us during those emotions it can throw us in a tailspin.

The thing is, there is absolutely nothing of value a conversation can have for EITHER of you.  If you respond nicely, he has learned the "right" words will get a soothing action.  If you respond in anger, it will prove he really is a victim.  You will not get closure from this - closure comes by accepting the facts.

We live in different states and I did not put him on the birth certificate. So he has no legal rights. He hasnt taken the initiative to get righs to his first child who s now 4 years old, so I doubt hevwould attempt to with our son.

Thank you for clarifying.

I guess it isnt neccesarily that Im hoping for anything in contacting him.  I more or less am at a point of anger, at myself, at him, our situation. I want to tell him how he has flipped my world upside down, ask him how he could love me when his actions were the opposite, I dunno. Im jst feeling so lost ad sad. I want him to care i guess. And genuinely care. Or I want to put closure to this.

I know it would be nice to have a nicely packaged closure - that is one of the things so many of us hope for when we respond, yet again, only to go through the same circular argument.  Closure comes when we decide we just don't want to keep looking for a mentally ill person to complete this for us - that is not exactly realistic.

Be angry, that is ok - but contacting him will only serve to keep yourself emotionally tied.  Do you have some friends or a T that you can vent to also?

[love_to_love]

Yes, history does show this.  That is the only reason keeping me from responding.  You are SO right! I have responded nicely in the past, and sent myself back in a whirlwind of chaos.  And when I have responded with anger in the past, it gives him the perfect opportunity to play the victim, and make me out to be the bad guy.  Its so frustrating because it's like he knows when Im cycling through almost unbearable emotions, and that's when the messages come.  Or the attempts to get me to respond by contacting friends and getting them involved.

I think, sadly, apart of me wants him to say these things.  Because in a twisted way it gives me the sense of satisfaction that I left him and and he still craves me, although it is probably more that he craves the control he had over me.

Thank you for acknowledging that it is ok for me to be confused.  I am a very headstrong person and have grown up to feel like being confused is unacceptable. Or that if your confused, you figure it out and move on.  But I cant help feeling confused and apprehensive to move on. Its such a STRUGGLE!    :'(

Yes I am seeing a T once a week right now, but she is out of town this week, so my struggles were at an ultimate max.  I also have a wonderful friend who has been helping me through this relationship in its entirety and has been so encouraging and spportive of my decision to leave and cut off contact (she loves me dearly  ).  As well as my mom, who has always been there to bat for me and support me.  I feel blessed to have the support system I do.  God only knows how much longer I would have stuck around and remained stuck, if it weren't for the support, encouragement and love.  Its reassuring to know that the people who actually DO love me, would not steer me astray.  

[love_to_love]

I posted the full story of my situation in the intro message board... . not sure if I am able to link it to this post.

[mamachelle]

love_to_love,

Other members can see your posts by clicking on your Profile so no worries. seeking balance has given you some excellent advice.

Hang in there, tend to your child. Walk away from facebook and breathe. I have 6 kids, 3 step and 3 bio. Just holding your baby close and breathing will help ease your anxiety and remind you why you are where you are and are safe. 


mamachelle