uBPD wants divorce but refuses to acknowledge it.

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Very long story short. Separated from uBPD. Her idea to divorce but she refuses to acknowledge it 

About mid-October 2012, my uBPD wife told me that "She is moving on, and is telling all of her friends that she is leaving me"

She has a daughter from a previous relationship and I have 3 children with her, D7, S5, S2. I had begged her to stay for the holidays and then separate after the kids birthdays in Jan.

This may be of some importance but in the last 4 years of our relationship (together for 7, married for almost 5), and this behavior always started around Nov, she would say to me "You get like this every year!" She would become increasingly agitated as the weeks would pass until she would get to a point that it was unbearable at home and I would have to leave early January (separate) and then return a few weeks later. During these separations we would do MC and it was always on how everything was my fault, I need to change and how I'm the problem.

Having said that this last time was the last for her. She had found a person in reserve or starting dating another man in January. From January 16th until February 21st the day that she left and with the kids, she was never home for more than an hour after I got off work or on the weekends and always had an excuse like "this place is a hell hole! I need to get out and make new friends!" I need to find someone that does not understand the family life!" There was tension in the house but there were no altercations or a hellish environment before she left. I knew my wife and how you cannot change her mind once it is made up and I did not want to cause issues in front of my kids.

A couple of nights she did not come home during that time and slept over at the other man's house. I have the phone records now from when she was calling from his small town and to her friends in the city in January, although I cannot find his phone number, I'm assuming she was using FB because her texts did not increase from month to month. She was also calling Women's Shelter's, Abuse Lines and Mental Health in February from what I saw on her phone records. She also started a smear campaing after she left and was telling her family and friends that I was emotionally, physically and financially abusive.

My point is, she wanted the divorce. She now has a boyfriend that she introduced 2 and half weeks to the kids after she had moved out on February 21st. Her friend had suggested to her that we do a separation agreement and I had paid for all of the papers to work on it and then her excuses where, we can do this by e-mail, we need to have a 3rd person present and finally she just refused to it or acknowledge the fact that it was her idea.

She has cancelled civil mediation for separating our assets for divorce and custody and access. I have set up family mediation on my own and she has agreed but several times she has said "I can see this is not going to work and needs to go to court", so she is threatening to cancel that. Anytime I mention divorce to her she starts getting aggressive, projects years of her abuse on me, verbally abusive and absolutely refuses to acknowledge divorce. This is all done via text and e-mail btw because she also refuses to talk on the phone. If it was her idea with the divorce. The need to move on and that she has had enough, why the out of sight out of mind attitude and any mention of divorce now triggers her BPD? She has boyfriend for the last few months and he was with her during her exit relationship.

[Mutt]

Very long story short. Separated from uBPD. Her idea to divorce but she refuses to acknowledge it 

About mid-October 2012, my uBPD wife told me that "She is moving on, and is telling all of her friends that she is leaving me"

She has a daughter from a previous relationship and I have 3 children with her, D7, S5, S2. I had begged her to stay for the holidays and then separate after the kids birthdays in Jan.

This may be of some importance but in the last 4 years of our relationship (together for 7, married for almost 5), and this behavior always started around Nov, she would say to me "You get like this every year!" She would become increasingly agitated as the weeks would pass until she would get to a point that it was unbearable at home and I would have to leave early January (separate) and then return a few weeks later. During these separations we would do MC and it was always on how everything was my fault, I need to change and how I'm the problem.

Having said that this last time was the last for her. She had found a person in reserve or starting dating another man in January. From January 16th until February 21st the day that she left and with the kids, she was never home for more than an hour after I got off work or on the weekends and always had an excuse like "this place is a hell hole! I need to get out and make new friends!" I need to find someone that does not understand the family life!" There was tension in the house but there were no altercations or a hellish environment before she left. I knew my wife and how you cannot change her mind once it is made up and I did not want to cause issues in front of my kids.

A couple of nights she did not come home during that time and slept over at the other man's house. I have the phone records now from when she was calling from his small town and to her friends in the city in January, although I cannot find his phone number, I'm assuming she was using FB because her texts did not increase from month to month. She was also calling Women's Shelter's, Abuse Lines and Mental Health in February from what I saw on her phone records. She also started a smear campaing after she left and was telling her family and friends that I was emotionally, physically and financially abusive.

My point is, she wanted the divorce. She now has a boyfriend that she introduced 2 and half weeks to the kids after she had moved out on February 21st. Her friend had suggested to her that we do a separation agreement and I had paid for all of the papers to work on it and then her excuses where, we can do this by e-mail, we need to have a 3rd person present and finally she just refused to it or acknowledge the fact that it was her idea.

She has cancelled civil mediation for separating our assets for divorce and custody and access. I have set up family mediation on my own and she has agreed but several times she has said "I can see this is not going to work and needs to go to court", so she is threatening to cancel that. Anytime I mention divorce to her she starts getting aggressive, projects years of her abuse on me, verbally abusive and absolutely refuses to acknowledge divorce. This is all done via text and e-mail btw because she also refuses to talk on the phone. If it was her idea with the divorce. The need to move on and that she has had enough, why the out of sight out of mind attitude and any mention of divorce now triggers her BPD? She has boyfriend for the last few months and he was with her during her exit relationship.

[Matt]

So what do you think is the right path forward for you - divorce?

Who is taking care of the kids now?

What do you think is the custody outcome that would be best for them?

[Mutt]

So what do you think is the right path forward for you - divorce?

Who is taking care of the kids now?

What do you think is the custody outcome that would be best for them?

Divorce. Although there is a small part of me that misses her and wishes that we were still together, I can't go back. Too much emotional/verbal/physical abuse from her and she's gone too far with everything with her bf.

She took the kids like every else when she left. They are at her house. I have an appointment at the end of the month with a family mediator and I'm trying to working towards 50/50.

50/50 custody and parallel parenting. If there is one stable parent, that's calm throughout all of this, it will help the kids and they will know who to go to in the future. Although she says "she is doing fine and the kids are doing fine" That's not what I see when they are with me.

[marbleloser]

IMO,the smart move would be for you to file for divorce and be sure to ask that the kids be returned to the marital home in your filing,and exclusive rights to the home for yourself,since she left.

Don't start at 50/50.Request at least primary custody in your filing.

[ForeverDad]

Although she says "she is doing fine and the kids are doing fine". That's not what I see when they are with me.

She is running a Distortion Campaign against you with everyone, including you.  See the section around page 192 of Stop Walking On Eggshells.  Badmouthing you, limiting contact with the children and false* allegations  You simply cannot believe or trust whatever she says, it is so slanted and colored with her emotional perceptions and convictions.  That's typical in cases like ours: All past relationships are described as abusive ones.   Hmm, one way to look at it is she consistently makes bad choices?

* What we call 'false' allegations, if closed/dismissed, are generally marked by most agencies as neutral 'unsubstantiated' or, much less often, 'unfounded'.  But beware the 'fearful' angle, some courts may accept vague, nonspecific claims of fearfulness as basis to issue a protection or restraining order.

[momtara]

Sounds like she is really abusive toward you, at least, emotionally.  All this cheating, moving on, etc.  You shouldn't have to have a life this unstable, and always walking on eggshells.  Sounds bad for the kids, too.

Why isn't she acknowledging it?  Who knows.  Probably because it brings more stress, and her life is comfortable now.  She can do what she wants and still have you in the wings.  Why wreck a cozy situation?

Think of the next steps to protect yourself.

Also, if this happens a certain time each year, maybe there is a trigger.  It would be hard to uncover it, but maybe deep down there is something that happens that stirs her.  Maybe her mom left her around THanksgiving when she was a kid?  That kind of thing.  It took me a long time to uncover my husband's triggers, including leaving him, but eventually he got into counseling and recognized that certain types of situations are what set him off.

[Matt]

So what do you think is the right path forward for you - divorce?

Who is taking care of the kids now?

What do you think is the custody outcome that would be best for them?

Divorce. Although there is a small part of me that misses her and wishes that we were still together, I can't go back. Too much emotional/verbal/physical abuse from her and she's gone too far with everything with her bf.

She took the kids like every else when she left. They are at her house. I have an appointment at the end of the month with a family mediator and I'm trying to working towards 50/50.

50/50 custody and parallel parenting. If there is one stable parent, that's calm throughout all of this, it will help the kids and they will know who to go to in the future. Although she says "she is doing fine and the kids are doing fine" That's not what I see when they are with me.

Do you have a lawyer?

Does your lawyer have successful experience with cases like this?

Mediation probably won't work.

You need temporary orders - that is, a court order establishing temporary custody - at least 50% of the time with you - as soon as possible - this week if possible.

Find a good attorney and get to work.

[Mutt]

Although she says "she is doing fine and the kids are doing fine". That's not what I see when they are with me.

She is running a Distortion Campaign against you with everyone, including you.  See the section around page 192 of Stop Walking On Eggshells.  Badmouthing you, limiting contact with the children and false* allegations  You simply cannot believe or trust whatever she says, it is so slanted and colored with her emotional perceptions and convictions.  That's typical in cases like ours: All past relationships are described as abusive ones.   Hmm, one way to look at it is she consistently makes bad choices?

This is all new to me. I have been catching up in the last month. We have been separated for nearly 4 months. A family member (my bio-logical mother that I found and have a relationship with her for 7 years now) told me that she is BPD. She saw the symptoms, anger outbursts in front of her and the kids that was directed towards me and we have had conversations for years about my relationship. She did not want to get in the way of our relationship and did not know me well enough and I'm assuming didn't want to jeopardize our relationship.

I went to the library and picked up "walking on eggshells" I have not bothered to read it because I thought it was more about while you are still in a relationship with this person. I also have 'splitting" and another book but I forget what the name is atm.

My wife is extremely impulsive. She will shoot before she aims. She has always had tunnel-vision and does not calculate on the possible outcome of her actions.

Sounds like she is really abusive toward you, at least, emotionally.  All this cheating, moving on, etc.  You shouldn't have to have a life this unstable, and always walking on eggshells.  Sounds bad for the kids, too.

Why isn't she acknowledging it?  Who knows.  Probably because it brings more stress, and her life is comfortable now.  She can do what she wants and still have you in the wings.  Why wreck a cozy situation?

Think of the next steps to protect yourself.

Also, if this happens a certain time each year, maybe there is a trigger.  It would be hard to uncover it, but maybe deep down there is something that happens that stirs her.  Maybe her mom left her around THanksgiving when she was a kid?  That kind of thing.  It took me a long time to uncover my husband's triggers, including leaving him, but eventually he got into counseling and recognized that certain types of situations are what set him off.

The mention of divorce on my part is a "trigger" or at least I have been able to identify one. Another is if I mention anything about our past relationship triggers her as well.

I think that she wants to keep me in the wings like you said for now, if things don't work out with her new boyfriend. That's my take on it, but I'm trying to disengage.

I have told her multiple times that if she contacts me it's business only. She can talk to me about divorce / kids and nothing else. I try to keep all of my personal information guarded so she does not use it against me. She's tried to bait me a few times already. I have also stressed the fact that I want parallel parenting and not co-parenting with her. Minimal contact with her and what happens on my time with the kids is none of her business and vice-versa.

[Mutt]

So what do you think is the right path forward for you - divorce?

Who is taking care of the kids now?

What do you think is the custody outcome that would be best for them?

Divorce. Although there is a small part of me that misses her and wishes that we were still together, I can't go back. Too much emotional/verbal/physical abuse from her and she's gone too far with everything with her bf.

She took the kids like every else when she left. They are at her house. I have an appointment at the end of the month with a family mediator and I'm trying to working towards 50/50.

50/50 custody and parallel parenting. If there is one stable parent, that's calm throughout all of this, it will help the kids and they will know who to go to in the future. Although she says "she is doing fine and the kids are doing fine" That's not what I see when they are with me.

Do you have a lawyer?

Does your lawyer have successful experience with cases like this?

Mediation probably won't work.

You need temporary orders - that is, a court order establishing temporary custody - at least 50% of the time with you - as soon as possible - this week if possible.

Find a good attorney and get to work.

Can't afford a lawyer. I spent every cent on that woman and the kids when I was with them.

I'm trying to do mediation, following all of the steps and going through all of the motions so that if she denies it, it looks bad on her for rejecting it later on.

At least that is my logic. If mediation does not work or falls through, Immediately I am going to court and submitting a parenting order.

[Matt]

Sounds like a good plan.  Have the work done in advance so you can file the motion right away if mediation fails.  Time lost can't be made up!

[marbleloser]

" My wife is extremely impulsive. She will shoot before she aims. She has always had tunnel-vision and does not calculate on the possible outcome of her actions."

Sounds familiar.Use this to your advantage.

[Mutt]

Sounds like a good plan.  Have the work done in advance so you can file the motion right away if mediation fails.  Time lost can't be made up!

I have a notebook and keep track of everything as well.

" My wife is extremely impulsive. She will shoot before she aims. She has always had tunnel-vision and does not calculate on the possible outcome of her actions."

Sounds familiar.Use this to your advantage.

That's a good point, because from what I can tell is that she shows me her hand and does not seem to be smart in how she does things.  But I've been somewhat testing her to see what her triggers are now.

When we were together, simply from the way that I looked at her, breathed or walked she would exploded into an anger rage. I thought that since she was gone, that she simply starts her seductive stage and starts over, but the BPD is always there, she just badmouths me to everyone around her. I want to trigger her, if need be in court.

[Matt]

Yeah, that impulsivity creates a couple of opportunities during the legal battle.

First, during mediation, take careful note of what she says.  She may be trying out arguments and accusations that she'll later use in the legal process.  If you listen carefully you can be prepared.

Also, people with BPD are likely to act out under pressure.  If she does that, the judge (and her own attorney) can see her as you do.  Look for ways to put her under pressure by asking her tough questions under oath, or challenging stuff she says - "You just said X.  Can you support that with any evidence?" or "You are asking the court for Y.  What evidence do you have that Y will work out best?".

[Mutt]

Also, people with BPD are likely to act out under pressure.  If she does that, the judge (and her own attorney) can see her as you do.  Look for ways to put her under pressure by asking her tough questions under oath, or challenging stuff she says - "You just said X.  Can you support that with any evidence?" or "You are asking the court for Y.  What evidence do you have that Y will work out best?".

Sorry for the , but in the last few weeks when she tries her baiting with me, if I use logic and reasoning with her and if I catch her in a lie and tell her, you just said X but said Y she completely derails and it goes directly into a circular argument with her.

Thank you for the information. I will listen carefully in mediation and use that to my advantage in court.

[Matt]

So work out exactly how you'll handle that in court - not to get into circular arguments but to be prepared with evidence, to get her to say "X", and then show a document proving that X isn't true, and let her react to it.

In depositions, my wife made more than 40 false statements under oath.  That strengthened my hand quite a bit!

[marbleloser]

"you just said X but said Y she completely derails and it goes directly into a circular argument with her."

This is where documentation will help you.No need to argue.You have to be the one to stop it.Walk away if you have to.

Documenting will help you see exactly how she distorts the truth.You can go back to your notes from when she said "X" and compare it her saying "Y".From that,you get hint of what kind of strategy she'll use and how untruthful she really is.

It'll help you keep your sanity as well.You won't be thinkin "didn't she say "X" a few days ago?"

[Mutt]

So work out exactly how you'll handle that in court - not to get into circular arguments but to be prepared with evidence, to get her to say "X", and then show a document proving that X isn't true, and let her react to it.

In depositions, my wife made more than 40 false statements under oath.  That strengthened my hand quite a bit!

Wow Matt, that's amazing!  Thanks again!

[Matt]

"you just said X but said Y she completely derails and it goes directly into a circular argument with her."

This is where documentation will help you.No need to argue.You have to be the one to stop it.Walk away if you have to.

Documenting will help you see exactly how she distorts the truth.You can go back to your notes from when she said "X" and compare it her saying "Y".From that,you get hint of what kind of strategy she'll use and how untruthful she really is.

It'll help you keep your sanity as well.You won't be thinkin "didn't she say "X" a few days ago?"

Yeah, this is a key transition - important both for the legal process and also for your own mental health.

You have to let go of what the other party is saying and thinking, and focus on doing what's best for yourself and the kids.

And document everything, especially false statements and accusations.  If there is a pattern of lies, verbal abuse and accusations, that may suggest that she is likely to alienate you from the kids - when they're with her, she can tell them stuff to disrupt your relationships with them.  If that seems to be happening, or if the court agrees that it's likely, it could be a powerful argument for custody.

[Mutt]

"you just said X but said Y she completely derails and it goes directly into a circular argument with her."

This is where documentation will help you.No need to argue.You have to be the one to stop it.Walk away if you have to.

Documenting will help you see exactly how she distorts the truth.You can go back to your notes from when she said "X" and compare it her saying "Y".From that,you get hint of what kind of strategy she'll use and how untruthful she really is.

It'll help you keep your sanity as well.You won't be thinkin "didn't she say "X" a few days ago?"

I used to get sucked into circular arguments with her all the time and not realize it. I was always trying to convince her with logic. She used kitchen sinking very often as well. That's when we used to be together. Although we are married, she lost that privilege when she secretly started seeing OM behind my back and then left. There is no need for her and I to argue "like we are married". I see the patterns now and stop it. She refuses to communicate to me other than email and text. It gives me the advantage to slow down and think of what the response is going to be and what is she really trying to do/say. Because none of it is to my advantage that's for sure.

I have noticed so many inconsistencies and lies from keeping track or focusing on what she is saying by text and email. When we were living together I was confused with her projecting, anger, blaming me, kitchen sinking, double binds, guilt and I was starting to believe that I was the problem. She would start 3 different fights in one week and not let any of them go! I couldn't keep track of any of it.

Here is an example from this last week. She said that my step-daughter can watch the kids last Monday for me if I needed too. I wanted to go to see the doctor for Bronchitis for about an hour when I had the kids. She repeated the exact same response to me about 3 or 4 times from Monday to Wednesday. Friday night she said, sorry but she does not feel comfortable with you. Saturday our of the blue she sends me a text and says "I'm just curious, but how come you don't ask your sister or family to watch the kids on your time".  Consciously or not, she created an issue over a few days. That's the stuff that I'm watching out for now and I don't want to engage with it anymore. Minimal contact is what I keep telling her, kids and divorce and that's it. There is no need for her to be asking about specific family members (my sister she was always trying to alienate me from her) or how I manage things on my end when I have told her several times it's Parallel Parenting.

[Matt]

E-mail is best because it leaves a record.

Phone or face-to-face only for emergencies.

[Mutt]

Thanks all for the advice so far. @ForeverDad I missed replying to something that you said, but I agree. Everyone of her boyfriends in the past have a history of abuse from her stories to me and I've been lumped into the same group as them now. I had always felt sorry for her stories.

I just couldn't understand why it was her idea in the first place then she went no contact/removed me from FB and refuses to actually start divorce proceedings. I'm taking it upon myself to get kids sorted first then I will divorce her to "cut the cord" so to speak and to have some sort of closure for me. Everyone has provided me with positive and practical ideas and things that I had not thought of either. Thank you for your understanding!