Spotting patterns that lead to me chosing someone with BPD or other disorders.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So here is something interesting... .  I believe I've had relationships with two women who had BPD and/or BPD traits and one who was eventually diagnosed with DID (formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder) .  I've spotted this pattern to all three circumstances:

1 - Left home at a young age and moved to a city where I didn't know anyone.  Met girl at frosh week and she was easy to be around and spend lots of time with.  She helped the loneliness and fear of being in a strange place and made me feel like a knight in shining armor.

2 - Moved to a new city in a new country where I didn't know anyone.  I was kind of isolated and a bit frustrated with work.  Met a girl ONLINE who was always available to talk and connect emotionally.  She helped the loneliness and fear as well.

3 - Moved to another new city where I didn't know anyone at a time in life when I wasn't sure what I should do next.  We connected immediately and she made lots of time available to spend with me and showed me lots of attention.  Once again it helped with the loneliness and helped me feel great about myself.


So basically, I'm extra susceptible to getting into relationships like this when I feel lonely and unsure of myself or my place in life.  The crazy thing is, I had spotted this pattern AFTER girl number 2! And yet I still fell into it a third time!  

Anyone else notice any other similar patterns?


PS - I believe I was involved with another girl who may have had a mental disorder as well.  But because I was in a more solid and secure place in life, had good friends close around me and was feeling great about myself, I didn't let myself get deeply involved.

[Tordesillas]

So here is something interesting... .  I believe I've had relationships with two women who had BPD and/or BPD traits and one who was eventually diagnosed with DID (formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder) .  I've spotted this pattern to all three circumstances:

1 - Left home at a young age and moved to a city where I didn't know anyone.  Met girl at frosh week and she was easy to be around and spend lots of time with.  She helped the loneliness and fear of being in a strange place and made me feel like a knight in shining armor.

2 - Moved to a new city in a new country where I didn't know anyone.  I was kind of isolated and a bit frustrated with work.  Met a girl ONLINE who was always available to talk and connect emotionally.  She helped the loneliness and fear as well.

3 - Moved to another new city where I didn't know anyone at a time in life when I wasn't sure what I should do next.  We connected immediately and she made lots of time available to spend with me and showed me lots of attention.  Once again it helped with the loneliness and helped me feel great about myself.


So basically, I'm extra susceptible to getting into relationships like this when I feel lonely and unsure of myself or my place in life.  The crazy thing is, I had spotted this pattern AFTER girl number 2! And yet I still fell into it a third time!  

Anyone else notice any other similar patterns?


PS - I believe I was involved with another girl who may have had a mental disorder as well.  But because I was in a more solid and secure place in life, had good friends close around me and was feeling great about myself, I didn't let myself get deeply involved.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Tordesillas, Third time's the charm so be grateful you finally got the message.  Forewarned is forearmed, and your next r/s will go better, I predict.  LuckyJim

[needsupport6]

I had a revelation with my psychologist yesterday that I am attracted to and seek out partners that have a higher probability of having mental health/emotional issues. I need a lot of time and attention, need to be the highest priority in their life, need them to drop everything when I ask and I seem to equate love with how much time they want to spend with me. Unhealthy I know now. I can see it in my past serious relationships. I could never be with someone that has a high demanding career since they wouldn't have enough time and attention to devote to me. My husband tried to monopolize my time and distance me from my friends and family at the beginning of our relationship. I didn't see it as a warning sign, I thought it proved to me how much he loves me since he wanted to be with me all the time. Now to figure out why I seek this and learn from it... .

[Clearmind]

Tordesillas You got that fast - I'm impressed.

You found the hook and its not necessarily the person its what that person can provide - to fulfil your feelings of loneliness and possibly inadequacies.

Any ideas where in your history you may have felt this same level of loneliness, lack of worth? And where you can't fill that need within yourself?

[seeking balance]

WOW - 52 posts and already spotting a personal inventory topic!  Impressive 

Clearmind is right on point with the follow up questions (that's why she gets the big bucks being a moderator)

For me, lonely was my hook also - it took digging into my childhood to go to the root cause.  I also had to learn to be alone and be ok and know that when I feel those kinds of feelings that is not the best time for me to be making big life decisions. 

[Tordesillas]

Clearmind... .

Ya... . There was a lot from growing up.  I was in a big family.  :)idn't get a lot of attention.  Also had some experiences in early childhood of being abandoned.  They weren't super serious but definitely left they're mark.  I think when you add it all up I just have that core vulnerability that I'll probably always need to work on.   I ended up working in a creative field (music) where a lot of what I do is putting myself out there for validation as a way of life!  

[Tordesillas]

WOW - 52 posts and already spotting a personal inventory topic!  Impressive 

Clearmind is right on point with the follow up questions (that's why she gets the big bucks being a moderator)

For me, lonely was my hook also - it took digging into my childhood to go to the root cause.  I also had to learn to be alone and be ok and know that when I feel those kinds of feelings that is not the best time for me to be making big life decisions. 

Haha Thanks!  Ya the trick will be hopefully translating some of this clarity into NOT making the same mistakes again!  It's kind of like being an addict I suppose... .

[Clearmind]

Tordesillas, one of the biggest lessons from my experience is that we never stop learning about ourselves - this is a positive thing however initially I found it exhausting all that introspection. I get easier to process when you feel that sense of vulnerability.

Our childhood, and mine sounds similar to yours, shapes our adulthood - we develop triggers. My childhood was invalidating - as an adult any perceived criticism was hugely triggering for me - learning to manage these triggers and as you say your vulnerabilities really is key to living and enjoying life in the moment.

Kids from invalidating environments tend to dwell a lot in past trauma - there comes a time when we need to move past it and be adults with adult privileges - you get to choose now - powerful prospect huh!

You are on track - So wonderful for you.

[Tordesillas]

Clearmind... .

Well it doesn't FEEL wonderful today, but I have to trust that it will eventually.  I never thought I'd miss someone/something so much that I know isn't healthy for me and don't even REALLY WANT in my life!  Crazy. 

[hanginon]

Tordesillas, CM,

Very interesting observations.  I think we all are a little similar.  I was the youngest of a large family. Spent a lot of time alone, playing outside, occasionally with cousins. Most of my siblings were at least 5 years older most 7-10 years older so it seems to me now that I didn't get much attention and suppose had always been left a little wanting or needy for attention.  For some reason I do remember having an unhealthy fear of being lost or separated from people if we were out somewhere when I was really young. 

I suppose this void was filled when I met my BPDw and although it was not intentional on her part... . it is her illness, she by instinct capitalized on this weakness and to me, it is just intoxicating.  There was just no way I could resist.  I guess I am struggling with how to address those codependency issues as we speak.

I completely understand what you mean when you say it doesn't "feel" wonderful today. I am absolutely in the same situation.  It's tough.

Hanginon

[laelle]

Yep, loneliness was my hook too.  We all get lonely... .   Its what we are willing to sacrifice in ourselves to keep that loneliness at bay that we should worry about.

I am now perfectly willing to let go of something that does not meet my wants and needs even if it puts me back into a place of uncomfortable loneliness. I have there before and I survived.   

In the meantime... . I am working on myself to not have those feelings of loneliness by liking my own company.