coming out lesbian to uBPD mom? a LOT going on: please advise and share?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

hello,

it's been more than a year since i've posted on here. last year the insanity stemmed from my uBPD partner. i have been a year NC and this board SIGNIFICANTLY helped me. i went under the name doingadance. i am not using that screen name because i am not living in last year and would not like to associate with that 'old me'.

the new me, rise_up, has had a great year and a tough year. great = my job is going so well. i'm financially stable and independent (unlike last year). i'm in a new partnership where there is so much love and so much potential.

tough = i've started to connect the dots about my mother. i've always known that something was 'not right'. very high functioning mother- highly educated, talented, married for 35 years, no physical abuse (that i can recall). but again... . in the context of emotional nourishment... . i felt a deficit. i'm recollecting (painful) memories about feeling intense fear of disappointing my mother. if she was not cheerful, my stomach would churn and i would question myself if i did something wrong. crossed arms, silent treatment, passive aggressiveness. mother's day and her birthday was/is always anxiety provoking. once i forgot (i was 9) and she bought flowers for herself and wrote herself a card. if she gave my dad the silent treatment, i would feel terrible and SOMEHOW take responsibility for it.

most recently i went through a crisis. my parents visited me from overseas. i came out to my parents as a lesbian after years of hiding and lying. i was brought up in a collectivist, and inherently shaming, culture. i did not do it gracefully because i was so afraid and panicked. they flew off the handle. my mother withdrew affection from me that night... . and it was the first time i experienced her DIRECTLY rage at me. i calmly tried to explain why i lied and hid myself for so long, but she responded with, "don't try that psychology ___ with me. i've lost my daughter." my dad wasn't calm either... . but he let me hug him. they still took the very next plane to my brother and his wife in another state because they were so disgusted with me. i came out to my brother over the phone that same night too. he was initially supportive but that changed.

they demanded that i also go to my brother's and we can all talk it out. my T recommended i wait and give all of us some time. of course i was the villain because i didn't run to my mom's rescue... . because by being gay, i 'did this to her'.

during my week up at my brother's place, i felt ganged up on. i experienced 2 massive emotional attacks. throughout it all, i maintained that im an adult and can make decisions for myself. but they (specifically my mother) countered it by saying:

- you lied to me

- you are not really gay. you are under the influence of predators in America. you can't think for yourself and others are manipulating you.

- therefore. you must leave everything (your amazing job, your house) and come back overseas and live with us. if you still feel like you're gay in a year, you can come back.

i absolutely refused to go back and i remained firm in my position. i was told i was selfish and not compassionate. my mother then accused me of being "too afraid to leave my job and stay in my parent's home for a year". honestly, she's right. but she phrased it in such a shaming and invalidating way. the bottom like was they could not just sit back and watch me destroy my life and watch me make bonehead decisions... . my mother said, "im not your enemy. i love you and want to protect you. not control you. this is coming from a place of love". i HONESTLY don't think she knows what she's doing.

during those emotional attacks, my mother would begin sobbing and retreating into a disgusting child-like state. she would sit at my feet, touch them and beg me to go back with her. i could smell her fear of abandonment. she said things like, "i want my daughter back. come back to me. i've lost you. you are a part of me and we are intertwined and inseperable. you will know when you have children".

the love you experience as a mother is something i don't fully comprehend yet. but what i experience(d) did not feel like genuine love... . and im so sad about that. that saying, "if it feels icky, it probably is" comes to mind.

after talking to my T, he immediately said, "don't buy into her. there are the borderline traits... . this is one big control issue". i started connecting the dots from this crisis... . and i've started pulling from my memory.

i read the list on her about adults who were shamed as children. i cried and resonated with almost every item. i definitely know i was shamed.

i still have anxiety over clothes shopping because my mother picked out clothes for me. she would always comment on the clothes i picked out for myself. "that looks too masculine. that is too dull. why can't you be more interested in shoes, handbags and jewelery?" i'd feign interest just to escape her silent treatment. now im an adult, and i pick out clothes and think: what would mom have chosen? will she think this looks good?

so trivial... . but so intense at the same time.

i realize i have a huge void in my sense of self and identity. i've moved across countries a few times growing up, i don't have a true cultural identity. i converted religions 2 times. i feel like a walking, talking fake because i don't feel authentic. i shared this with mom years ago, but i got indirectly blamed for 'letting this happen' and 'lots of people have this struggle, youre not the only one'. i just wanted to be validated and told i was special.

this is such a long post... . but there is so much going on. please share your thoughts and/or advice.

[rise_up]

hello,

it's been more than a year since i've posted on here. last year the insanity stemmed from my uBPD partner. i have been a year NC and this board SIGNIFICANTLY helped me. i went under the name doingadance. i am not using that screen name because i am not living in last year and would not like to associate with that 'old me'.

the new me, rise_up, has had a great year and a tough year. great = my job is going so well. i'm financially stable and independent (unlike last year). i'm in a new partnership where there is so much love and so much potential.

tough = i've started to connect the dots about my mother. i've always known that something was 'not right'. very high functioning mother- highly educated, talented, married for 35 years, no physical abuse (that i can recall). but again... . in the context of emotional nourishment... . i felt a deficit. i'm recollecting (painful) memories about feeling intense fear of disappointing my mother. if she was not cheerful, my stomach would churn and i would question myself if i did something wrong. crossed arms, silent treatment, passive aggressiveness. mother's day and her birthday was/is always anxiety provoking. once i forgot (i was 9) and she bought flowers for herself and wrote herself a card. if she gave my dad the silent treatment, i would feel terrible and SOMEHOW take responsibility for it.

most recently i went through a crisis. my parents visited me from overseas. i came out to my parents as a lesbian after years of hiding and lying. i was brought up in a collectivist, and inherently shaming, culture. i did not do it gracefully because i was so afraid and panicked. they flew off the handle. my mother withdrew affection from me that night... . and it was the first time i experienced her DIRECTLY rage at me. i calmly tried to explain why i lied and hid myself for so long, but she responded with, "don't try that psychology ___ with me. i've lost my daughter." my dad wasn't calm either... . but he let me hug him. they still took the very next plane to my brother and his wife in another state because they were so disgusted with me. i came out to my brother over the phone that same night too. he was initially supportive but that changed.

they demanded that i also go to my brother's and we can all talk it out. my T recommended i wait and give all of us some time. of course i was the villain because i didn't run to my mom's rescue... . because by being gay, i 'did this to her'.

during my week up at my brother's place, i felt ganged up on. i experienced 2 massive emotional attacks. throughout it all, i maintained that im an adult and can make decisions for myself. but they (specifically my mother) countered it by saying:

- you lied to me

- you are not really gay. you are under the influence of predators in America. you can't think for yourself and others are manipulating you.

- therefore. you must leave everything (your amazing job, your house) and come back overseas and live with us. if you still feel like you're gay in a year, you can come back.

i absolutely refused to go back and i remained firm in my position. i was told i was selfish and not compassionate. my mother then accused me of being "too afraid to leave my job and stay in my parent's home for a year". honestly, she's right. but she phrased it in such a shaming and invalidating way. the bottom like was they could not just sit back and watch me destroy my life and watch me make bonehead decisions... . my mother said, "im not your enemy. i love you and want to protect you. not control you. this is coming from a place of love". i HONESTLY don't think she knows what she's doing.

during those emotional attacks, my mother would begin sobbing and retreating into a disgusting child-like state. she would sit at my feet, touch them and beg me to go back with her. i could smell her fear of abandonment. she said things like, "i want my daughter back. come back to me. i've lost you. you are a part of me and we are intertwined and inseperable. you will know when you have children".

the love you experience as a mother is something i don't fully comprehend yet. but what i experience(d) did not feel like genuine love... . and im so sad about that. that saying, "if it feels icky, it probably is" comes to mind.

after talking to my T, he immediately said, "don't buy into her. there are the borderline traits... . this is one big control issue". i started connecting the dots from this crisis... . and i've started pulling from my memory.

i read the list on her about adults who were shamed as children. i cried and resonated with almost every item. i definitely know i was shamed.

i still have anxiety over clothes shopping because my mother picked out clothes for me. she would always comment on the clothes i picked out for myself. "that looks too masculine. that is too dull. why can't you be more interested in shoes, handbags and jewelery?" i'd feign interest just to escape her silent treatment. now im an adult, and i pick out clothes and think: what would mom have chosen? will she think this looks good?

so trivial... . but so intense at the same time.

i realize i have a huge void in my sense of self and identity. i've moved across countries a few times growing up, i don't have a true cultural identity. i converted religions 2 times. i feel like a walking, talking fake because i don't feel authentic. i shared this with mom years ago, but i got indirectly blamed for 'letting this happen' and 'lots of people have this struggle, youre not the only one'. i just wanted to be validated and told i was special.

this is such a long post... . but there is so much going on. please share your thoughts and/or advice.

[GeekyGirl]

I'm so sorry, rise_up. What your family said to you had to be incredibly hurtful.   Your T is right--your mother's behavior does not mean that anything is wrong with you.

i still have anxiety over clothes shopping because my mother picked out clothes for me. she would always comment on the clothes i picked out for myself. i'd feign interest just to escape her silent treatment. now im an adult, and i pick out clothes and think: what would mom have chosen? will she think this looks good? so trivial... . but so intense at the same time.

It is intense. You're asserting your independence now, which can be very scary. It's funny--I had a similar issue with my mother. I bought most of my clothes with my mother, and like you, I chose what she liked because it seemed to make her happy. I'm cringing remembering some of the outfits--I was a 25 year old that dressed like a 50 year old. It took some time, but now I'm used to picking out my own clothes, and feel a lot more comfortable in my own skin.

i realize i have a huge void in my sense of self and identity. i've moved across countries a few times growing up, i don't have a true cultural identity. i converted religions 2 times. i feel like a walking, talking fake because i don't feel authentic. i shared this with mom years ago, but i got indirectly blamed for 'letting this happen' and 'lots of people have this struggle, youre not the only one'. i just wanted to be validated and told i was special.

It sounds like you're really starting to discover who you are. Sometimes that can feel uncomfortable, especially since your parents were such strong influences. From what my gay/lesbian friends have told me, it can take some time after coming out to really feel comfortable. You're doing something very good for yourself by going to therapy and exploring this. It does take some time and work and perhaps some experimentation, but you will sort out who you really are. It sounds like you have a job that you enjoy and have found a caring partner--that's excellent. Do you belong to any groups or have any hobbies that really make you feel good?

How are you feeling about the meeting with your parents, now that you've had a little time to process what happened? You did something very brave and healthy for yourself by standing your ground, even though I know that it had to hurt. 

[nomom4me]

Rise-up, congrats on the new job, relationship and new you!

I can relate to moving, re-defining, starting a new life then having a FOGgy visit with the disordered parent, it really is like a fog... . it comes in makes it hard to see the light, but it clears, and the world gets better and brighter!

Just as a reality check, some of the stuff your mom said is just plain not true.  I'm sure no one pressured you into being lesbian, as an American I'm yet to encounter a female sexual predator - the fact is there is some abuse in the lesbian community but it's far less common than domestic abuse in hetero relationships. You are in the lowest risk group for STD's. My lesbian friends are the most level-headed women I know, and they have such a strong community.

I remember moving to a new city for a job, when I moved I left a relationship that was falling apart.  My mother clung to that relationship and kept asking me to leave my job and "work things out" with my ex, it was already over with him and my mom was living in her own delusion of white dresses and religious weddings.  I've never had the same goals as my mother has for me, she wants me married within her religion - period.  I am so glad I stayed with that job, and honestly - the more miles between you and the disordered parent, the easier life is.   It's your life, she was just visiting and now you don't need to worry about her dropping in on you!

[rise_up]

Do you belong to any groups or have any hobbies that really make you feel good?

How are you feeling about the meeting with your parents, now that you've had a little time to process what happened? You did something very brave and healthy for yourself by standing your ground, even though I know that it had to hurt. 

thank you GeekyGirl... . sometimes our experiences are so painful that we think this can ONLY be happening to me. i sincerely appreciate the validation from you.

hobbies/groups- i am a musician on the side and plugged into the local music circuit in my city.the only thing is that the music i write is very intense and i dont think im emotionally ready to jump back into performing.

i would definitely like to finish a few books over the summer, work out and go through a bucket list of sorts.

Just as a reality check, some of the stuff your mom said is just plain not true.  I'm sure no one pressured you into being lesbian,

I am so glad I stayed with that job, and honestly - the more miles between you and the disordered parent, the easier life is.   It's your life, she was just visiting and now you don't need to worry about her dropping in on you!

nomom4me-- your reality check means so much to me. i can't believe i would sometimes believe what they would say... . it's like she has mind control powers.

my T has also recommended i "divorce" my mom/parents a little. yes- she was just visiting. but i think because of the miles, she is going to up the ante now... .

the saddest thing is that she has no idea what she is doing, will probably deny BPD (i have no plans of telling her about it at the moment) and will not take ownership of her behavior towards me now and in the past. she absolutely believes that she showered me with all the love, gifts and freedom... . and to a certain degree, she did. but i recently read the post about "emotional incest"... . and vulgar as it sounds... . i feel like i experienced a little bit of it. she has told me that she puts me on a pedestal and worships me... . i told her to stop that, and it's not right. she says she can't help it. i get so confused... . she puts me on a pedestal to meet her needs... . but at the same time, she tells me such hurtful things and twists things.

she becomes more BPD every day i think about it... .

[seeking balance]

coming out - BPD parent or not - is difficult in most families.

Most cities have LGBT support centers that can help you gain a community of people who understand the struggle.  Check into it.

We know that parents with BPD have a difficult time separating you from them - separate sense of selves - as such, coming out is going to FEEL deeper and more personal to her.

Parents in general, have a hard time when a child is gay - they wonder what they did wrong and there are many books that talk about the grief process they go through.  Coming out as gay is a grief process as well, because the fairy tale is different.

Give them some time.  When I came out, it was literally dubbed, "the family tragedy."  When I got married to my exBPD, I had family fly in from 5 states - time changes things.

I know you are hurt and scared - the LGBT community can help give you support in a healthy way.  None of us want to be rejected by our parents, especially for something we have no control over.

Peace,

SB

[GeekyGirl]

she puts me on a pedestal to meet her needs... . but at the same time, she tells me such hurtful things and twists things.

she becomes more BPD every day i think about it... .

LOL, I know where you're coming from. I could have written that. I will say, though, now that I understand where my mother's behavior is coming from (from learning about BPD), it's easier to handle it. It can still hurt (and I still mourn the relationship that never was), but it's easier to react. SB is right--your mother probably has a hard time separating herself from you, and every difference makes her feel abandoned and threatened. That's not your fault.

I like SB's suggestion that you look into LGBT groups--there are some supportive and caring people out there, and that can help you feel like you belong and fit in. 

Keep us posted on how you're doing.

[zubizou87]

Rise_up I'm so sorry you're going through this borderlines are weird about their kids coming out I think it has something to do with their obsession with children. When I was in college I experimented and had a few relationships with female students including one of my friends. For a while I did wonder if I was gay I did confide in a few family members which included my mother. She acted as though I had betrayed her which is such a strange reaction to a young woman's very normal experimental phase in college. I came to the conclusion that although I sometimes find other women attractive I don't fall in love with them in a romantic way like I do with men. My mum still goes weird and silent when I mention my 'bisexual phase' while most parents would probably think it was just sort natural and possibly funny it seemed to disturb her.

Anyway reading your post made me think of something the love columnist Dan Savage said about coming out which is that your parents may find it difficult. So what you do is you give them a year to act out and deal with their emotions, they can say mean things and rage because the pain is fresh and they're angry. Once that year is up if they're still being angry or abusive you need to think about becoming estranged because you can't stop being gay and it's not you're fault if they permanently think of you differently from now on. Give them a year then cut them loose!

[rooster1106]

hey rise up,

that all sounds really rough. i'm sorry you've had to go through it. it sounds like your parents, especially your mom, find all kinds of ways to be shaming, invalidating, and controlling, and they justify and conceal it by saying that they're caring for you. that kind of obscuration just makes it worse; it's more devious (even if they think they're being sincere) and more confusing for you. i feel like i've experienced those types of behaviors from uBPDm in different situations.

it's amazing you came out to her at all. i wonder if, in a way, it's a relief that she got so mad at you because at least it's direct. at least she finally says how she feels. i sort of wish i could get that from my parents. i've always been really afraid of their yelling, my mom can be incredibly mean but thinks she's the kindest person in the world, but sometimes, now that i'm an adult and don't live in their state, if we argue on the phone, i feel vindicated, like "i knew you were thinking that!" however, it is very hard for me to get them to be honest, and of course i'm shamed for being confrontational. overall, i keep contact pleasant and limited. i don't think the conflict is worth it most of the time.

your T sounds great and moving back in with your mother who clearly doesn't accept you as you are would be a TERRIBLE idea. maintain your independence. i think you're doing really great.