Why is this still so hard?

[One Day at a Time]

Hi all,

It's been about 6 months since my last post.  I took some time to try and sort through the mass of feelings that have been dredged up since my breakthrough crisis last July.  Since I last wrote, I've gone mostly NC with my family, though we do communicate through DH.  They are elderly, and I am trying to figure out what my role will be in their lives as they need more care.  This is especially relevant to me since DH lost both his (wonderful) parents over the past 3 months.

I've done a ton of therapy (most helpful has been the Somatic Experiencing work I am doing, and the neurofeedback + biofeedback I do to help with anxiety).  My biggest struggle continues to be grief and anger.

uBPDm continues to play victim, enDad continues to claim to miss me (but has yet to pick up the phone), and enSis has cut me out of her life entirely (not via an actual conversation, but by blocking me on FB.  Le sigh - hate FB - its such an effective tool for the passive aggressives out there).  I continue to be blamed for all that is wrong in my family: I am alternately mean and dangerous (when they pull away) or overly sensitive and mentally ill (if I am hurt).   

I see the double binds, I understand them more (thanks to this site, and books like "Understanding the Borderline Mother), but that does not diminish my overall pain and sadness. I seem to be the only one in my family who sees the multi-generational dysfunction playing out (uBPDm cut out her own sister when they were about the same age as my sister and I - ironically when their own mother started playing very similar games with her own grown daughters).  And yet, the harder I try to set boundaries and make different choices for myself, the harder they dig their heels in and lock into the old family roles.  I HATE being the scapegoat.  It has turned me into such a broken mess.

I'm also frustrated with myself.  Why oh why can't I just walk away from these awful people?  I've cried buckets, done all the heavy lifting emotionally in this family, spent thousands on therapy, done yoga, practice daily meditation, and yet, there are days when the pain is almost unbearable. I cannot believe I am still carrying all of their rage, sadness and shame - shouldn't I know better by now? 

I've read about trauma, taken courses on trauma, I work with a trauma therapist for god's sake, and I am still almost daily overwhelmed by freakin' trauma.

Thanks for listening.  There is no question in this post, just a need to reconnect with you wonderful folks who (sadly) understand the madness that is trying to survive being raised by a BPD.

[Marcia]

I know what you mean, I tried and tried for 35 years of my adult life. It didn't ever get better, no matter what I did. Now that my breakthrough event two years ago made me realize I had to go NC with BPD mom, enabler cousins--I am finally just living my own life, and it is pretty good, and I deserve to be out of the misery of that truly mean-spirited relationship.

My sister has stepped up to be mom's point of contact, and she is going nuts, but we both know it s her turn--I did most of it for years.

If they aren't nice people, they may not deserve your company--I'd Definitely consider taking a major break. Our mom is elderly too, but she has sabotaged all of our attempts to help, so not much we can do as long as her mind is technically "working."

Good luck!

[P.F.Change]

  Hi, there, One Day at a Time.

I understand how you feel. I did CBT during my breakthrough crisis and then did ok with LC on my own for a few years. When I reached my limit, I chose NC and now am working with another T on my PTSD.

I was the golden child most of the time, but I have to say, NOBODY would ever want to be the scapegoat. I hate that anyone is ever assigned that role, and I am sorry you are having to deal with it. But just because someone else has decided that is who they want you to be does NOT mean that is WHO YOU ARE. You get to decide that.

What I really sympathize with in your post is the frustration that the pain is still there. Sometimes I wish I could go through a day without thinking of my parents or wishing I could have had a "normal," happy family like other people do. It does hurt, and there is a lot to grieve. But I also hear a lot of self-blame in your post. I bet you know at least on an intellectual level that you have done nothing to deserve the treatment your FOO gives you. It is not your fault that they are who they are or that they choose what they choose. Additionally, you have very basic needs that have not been met--needs for love and acceptance and validation and nurturing and family. Everyone needs those things, and it is ok that you need them, too. It is not fair that your FOO has withheld them from you in order to serve their own skewed system. It is natural that you would still hope they will someday be able to meet them for you--though now that you are grown, it will be important to realize that it is their own shortcomings--not yours--that will prevent them from being capable of helping you meet them.

Have you ever allowed yourself to feel ANGRY with them? Because I for one am angry that anyone would treat their child this way. What if you stopped being angry at yourself, and started putting that anger where it really belongs? Has your T worked with you on this already? I think you make a good point when you say you are "still carrying their rage, sadness, and shame." They have used you as a garbage dump for all their own negative emotions, rather than dealing with them responsibly. But you are not a garbage dump--you are a human being, one who deserves to be treated with respect and compassion. What would happen if you picked up all their trash and threw it back outside your fence? It does not belong in your space. You do not have to keep it for them. When you encounter a negative thought about yourself, maybe try mentally picking it up and tossing it back to them. "Oh, this is mum's low-self-worth rubbish. That does not belong to me. I will toss it back and hope she can get it sorted into the proper bin." 

You have been abused your whole life. Maybe it feels strange to cast off the old identity your family assigned to you. But you don't have to continue the abuse by beating yourself. You are where you are in this journey, and it doesn't help to worry where we "should" be by now. Take your time on each step, and you will get where you are going. I am glad you have a T for support, and it is good you are reaching out here, too. We do understand.

Wishing you peace,

PF

[P.F.Change]

P.S. Have you read about Stockholm Syndrome? If not, there is some good information here on this site that may help you.

[One Day at a Time]

Thanks P.F.Change for your reply.  I just read it now, 3 months after I made that post, and I think I needed to read it today more than back in June.  Further implosions on the family front - my possibly BPD sister was in town last week and no one in my family thought to mention it to me.  She hates me.  Wants nothing to do with me.  I am apparently mean, dangerous and she refuses to talk to to me, see me, and has frozen me out entirely for almost 7 years. There was a family gathering, we were not included (I know, I know this is typical behaviour, but still:  ), and of course, I found out via FB    I did gather the emotional fortitude to call uBPDm on this, but of course, her reason for not telling me to "protect me" as I am so sensitive, and should just get over it, blah, blah.

Anyhow, what really resonated for me in your reply was this part:

They have used you as a garbage dump for all their own negative emotions, rather than dealing with them responsibly. But you are not a garbage dump--you are a human being, one who deserves to be treated with respect and compassion. What would happen if you picked up all their trash and threw it back outside your fence? It does not belong in your space. You do not have to keep it for them.

I'm FINALLY feeling anger.  It is weird/scary but way better than numb, broken and dissociated.  PTSD has been such a struggle, and connecting with my body and feelings has taken up the bulk of my healing journey.  So, anger.  Yay!  I have internalized so much for so long, I find my body all quakey and shakey, but the energy is mobilizing, so that is new... .

There is so much courage needed in the face of all this gaslighting and crazy-making BS.  Thank you again, all of you, for sharing your courage and helping me to dig deep and find mine.   

[nevermore]

One Day at a Time, reading your post is like reading something my oldest brother would have written.  He too was the painted black, scapegoat.  He was three years younger than me.  You ask why it still gets to you after all of the work you have done. I ask myself that too. I bet we all do.  My father passed away from Alzheimer's ten years ago.  As he lay dying my BP mother did not call me.  I happened in and was there when he passed.  Imagine my fury when I realized she had known all day that it was his last.  Why would that surprise me given all that she had done all of my life?  Because we feel and we have empathy and we would NEVER do that to someone else.  I can't understand my mother's actions any more than I can understand someone who tortures animals.  I can't get there from here... .thank God.

Think of it this way.  If you are watching a film and suddenly something jumps out on screen and startles you.  You feel a reaction. Your heart speeds up.  It doesn't matter if you have seen a hundred scary movies, you will still react.  We always will.  What we have to do is tell ourselves we will not give them to power to know we have reacted.  Show nothing.  Act as if. Act  as if you are made of steel.  What can they say about you?  Will they say you are uncaring?  So what.  You define yourself, they do not.

My scapegoat brother took his life just after our father died.  He lived 49 years reacting to her BP ways.  In the end it cost him his life.  Be what he couldn't. Be a survivor who found a way to rise above all of the crap they throw your way.  You MAY be the only totally okay person in the whole group.