"Reasons" from dumper, pwNPD/BPD

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi all,

After 1.3 yrs of Long distance r/s - My uNPD/BPD exbf told his friends that he brokeup with me because:


1. He is frustrated of all the arguements between us;

2. We were different on fundamentals about 'marriage' (that i took 8 months for me to take him to my parents and he felt like he coaxed me to do that. Our families met and we were to get married this February but i had called it off due his abusive behavior, but then gave our r/s a chance and resolve issues. But he dint change, eventually he gave me a silent treatment no matter i did to resolve the issues. Between my work i travelled 20000 miles away just to work things out - but he would never contributed or participated to 'work out' the problems)

3. Lack of mutual trust - He does not trust me anymore as i went through his emails to discover his the things he kept privy from me (meet ups with random girls and his ex gf, and that his parents were looking for suitors for him already, sending him profiles of girls?) I apologised several times to breach his 'privacy' but i guess it was too late. It just happened accidentally the first time i stumbled upon a 'girls' pic and conversations he was having

As i look at these 3 points he left me for - i did take responsibility on the last point and just asked him to give me ONE chance (especially i gave him many when he emotionally/physically abused me) - he refused and never changed his mind. He said 'Love' is not important for marriage for him.

2 months after the breakup he met a girl, got engaged to her within 1 month since they met and married 2 months after that (this month). This is a 'typical' arranged marriage in his culture... . but he gets to 'decide' whether he wants to or not afterall - not like his mother caught him by the ear to get married.

Just looks like i was completely blamed for this - or atleast mostly. These 'reason' are making me feel like i was actually the cause of the breakup. Was I a deal breaker as the aforementioned reasons he sited?

[stop2think]

Hi all,

After 1.3 yrs of Long distance r/s - My uNPD/BPD exbf told his friends that he brokeup with me because:


1. He is frustrated of all the arguements between us;

2. We were different on fundamentals about 'marriage' (that i took 8 months for me to take him to my parents and he felt like he coaxed me to do that. Our families met and we were to get married this February but i had called it off due his abusive behavior, but then gave our r/s a chance and resolve issues. But he dint change, eventually he gave me a silent treatment no matter i did to resolve the issues. Between my work i travelled 20000 miles away just to work things out - but he would never contributed or participated to 'work out' the problems)

3. Lack of mutual trust - He does not trust me anymore as i went through his emails to discover his the things he kept privy from me (meet ups with random girls and his ex gf, and that his parents were looking for suitors for him already, sending him profiles of girls?) I apologised several times to breach his 'privacy' but i guess it was too late. It just happened accidentally the first time i stumbled upon a 'girls' pic and conversations he was having

As i look at these 3 points he left me for - i did take responsibility on the last point and just asked him to give me ONE chance (especially i gave him many when he emotionally/physically abused me) - he refused and never changed his mind. He said 'Love' is not important for marriage for him.

2 months after the breakup he met a girl, got engaged to her within 1 month since they met and married 2 months after that (this month). This is a 'typical' arranged marriage in his culture... . but he gets to 'decide' whether he wants to or not afterall - not like his mother caught him by the ear to get married.

Just looks like i was completely blamed for this - or atleast mostly. These 'reason' are making me feel like i was actually the cause of the breakup. Was I a deal breaker as the aforementioned reasons he sited?

[mango_flower]

We all get blamed for the breakup.

God forbid it they could have ANY contribution to it!

Think of how many couples get through the issues you mentioned, due to their good communication and trying hard to work on things.

Sounds to me like he didn't try.

He felt it was broken, so he discarded it and moved on. 

That is not your fault.

Nobody is perfect, none of us. Not you, nor him.  But a relationship takes two.

x

[MarcinN7]

My ex cheated.

Her reason:

1) I didnt love her.

Yet she was the one that stopped using the word love, she didnt ever want to cuddle i had to cuddle her etc. She was avoidant, distant all the time. When i said on the phone i love you i usually got only "bye" and never a response.

I for the other hand tried to find logic in her constant arguments over nothing (she needed to argue).

Payed off her debts so that intrest would not eat her up (she started to get into debt again 3 month later but didnt tell me).

Then when she asked if I`m _sure_ that she`s the one and we will live happy ever after my response was "I will be sure when we will be buried beside each other, we dont know what life has in store for us, but i love you and want to try to build my life with you".

(How could i be sure if we constantly argued for 6+ years over nothing because she needed to, and was acting avoidant/distant?)

I`m a realistic person and i always was and she knows me, we`ve been together for almost 8 years for fraks sake.

Her fear of abandonment must have been put into overdrive and she ignored everything i was doing for her (paying off her debt, building a new kitchen, suggesting that i could care for her when she wanted to change jobs but didnt have the money etc.)

She knew i would do anything for her.

So... . ~~

She cheated with a guy who has shizophremia and is bipolar. And often was locked up in a psych ward. And lives a few houndred km away, and is 3 years younger then her.

When she drove to meet him after our brakeup. He got an attack (wonder what caused that huh?) and was taken by an ambulance and locked up for a week... . ... . her abandonment fears must have exploded then i think.

She didnt have me and didnt have that guy... .

[MarcinN7]

I think her reasoning that i didnt love her was just projection of her own guilt over cheating and avoiding and being distantced etc.

[SockMonkey]

After abruptly leaving me after I sent too many texts in one day and not talking to me for a month, I got an email that said:

1.  I did not deserve this kind of silent treatment.  He was ashamed of himself for that. But,

2.  He really did not have anything to say other than things got to be too much between us and he shut down b/c he needed some space and break from it all. 

Yeah.  He "shut down" for a month and ignored my calls, texts, etc.  While I sat next to my mother on life support.

[Validation78]

Hi Stop2

I'm sure it is very hurtful to have gone through all of this, to see him move on so quickly, and to be left asking yourself the question you ask.

IMHO, no you are not to blame. It sounds to me like you had good reasons not to trust him, and as I'm sure you know. trust is essential in a successful relationship. So is love (IMO) by the way. Maybe in arranged marriages, you will grow to love, I wouldn't know, nor would I want to find out, and I don't imagine that is alright with you either.

I commend you for listening to your instincts by delaying the wedding. If he was showing signs of abusive behavior before the wedding, I can assure you that nothing would have changed after the wedding!

Although you have to deal with the loss of a relationship just like the rest of us, you are very fortunate not to have had to go through a long term abusive marriage that may have been difficult to get out of.  Please forgive yourself for what ever part you may have played in the demise of the relationship, and rest assured, that your part was not the deal breaker. His abusive behavior, as you called it, was THE deal breaker!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[GreenMango]

He said 'Love' is not important for marriage for him.

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Very telling.  Believe this.

This would have had me ending things too - well that and the other things you listed but that statement the most.