Still emotionally connected... help

[mango_flower]

So, I am doing everything right.

I have changed my email address.  Changed my phone number.  Moved house.

Not heard from her in weeks, and even then it was sporadic before, and I ignored it.

I keep busy. I go out with friends.  I do my hobby, which is a sport.  I fill in my free time either by getting out and about, or if I'm staying in, by watching documentaries online.

Yet she isn't going away! (Psychologically).

She's still in my dreams.  I still think about her every free moment I have, though it's at least not interfering with my job anymore, or when I'm with others.

But any spare space my brain has, it's filled with thoughts of her.

I feel like I have PTSD - flashbacks, words jumping into my mind that she said to me.  Images of her and her new fiancee.

I don't understand.  I've followed the advice on here... . but I'm still emotionally connected.

HOW?

I honestly don't know what to try next.  I'm keeping busy, but if I keep busy 24/7, I'll run myself into the ground.  And I can't not sleep, can I... . and she gets into my dreams.

I'm at a loss.

Any advice?

[delusionalxox]

How long has it been?

I am in the same place but it is only a week since BPD ex dumped me and left me pregnant (and pretty much suicidal).

They say it takes 3 months for the most intense pain to wear off. Then you are dealing with processing which can also of course be painful!

[j4c]

Hi Mango, im 13 months out of my r/s with my uexBPDgf and if im not mistaken you are around the same, but it sounds to me like we are in different places regarding our recoveries. The one comment you made that stands out to me is the one where you stated you haven't heard from her in weeks. When my ex painted me black and cut me out her life i was completely devastated and i never thought i'd get over her but what i realise now is that she actually did me a favour. Not only by ending a very dysfunctional r/s but by giving me no option but to go NC. I have only spoke to her once in the last year and its helped me get my life back on track. She is to me like a distant memory. Yes i still think about her sometimes, i probably always will, but not with any emotional connection. I've moved on.

You ARE doing all the right things Mango and hopefully for your sake there will be no more contact and she will leave you be.

Good luck J.

[mango_flower]

Oh WOW Servalan... . my heart goes out to you - how truly awful!  I'm glad you've found this place for support though.

Jfc - I'm 7 and a half months out now... . but for the first month I was in denial I think!  And then contact was on and off, on and off.  I think this is the longest I haven't heard from her (because I ignored her last 5 emails I suppose!).

I think it's not knowing for sure if this is IT re: the contact, or if she's just planning her next move to upset/hurt/anger me... . (I don't REALLY think she sits there and plans it, but you know what I mean!)

[delusionalxox]

oh lord mango 7 and a half months... . I was really hoping the 3 month thing would do it 

We have to hope eh?

If she was contacting you, it will be worse.

My ex like j4c's will not contact me any more. He announced it and has stuck to it which is a first ever. This however is after literally YEARS of recycling and I think has actually happened because i had started drawing and sticking to boundaries. He had no further use for me and decided to proclaim I had 'damaged him too much'.

[delusionalxox]

You're right too that she won't sit there and plan. I think BPD urges are just that- of the moment things. I do wonder however how it is that they can go NC for so long and then recycle. (I do not think my ex will because a. I'm no use any more b. I have told him some home truths in the last week which will have damaged his pride far too much- nasty but true things eg that he is an arrogant loser who is acting like a teenage boy at 36... . yeah I was angry and not exactly acting my age either (40! )

xx

[bpdspell]

So, I am doing everything right.

I don't understand.  I've followed the advice on here... . but I'm still emotionally connected.

HOW?

I honestly don't know what to try next.  I'm keeping busy, but if I keep busy 24/7, I'll run myself into the ground.  And I can't not sleep, can I... . and she gets into my dreams.

I'm at a loss.

Any advice?

Unfortunately healing is not linear. Which means we can do the physical steps towards moving on but still have a ways to go when it comes to the detachment process: acceptance, emotional maturity and seeing our part in the toxic dance. It's a lot of introspective work that requires raw honesty on our parts and this often cannot be done with our brains. Our hearts and the pits of our stomachs must be connected to this healing experience as well.

Like yourself I did all the right steps: I went NC, got a restraining order, joined the gym, you know... . da da da... . all the rudimentary stuff that's recommended to do; I did it. I'll admit. I was pretty clammed up with rage, anger, depression and couldn't even be fully honest with my own therapist. I was seething. It wasn't until I was willing to be honest with myself about how I really felt about myself: my life, my childhood and my parents that recovery from my ex shifted into healing what was truly broken inside of me.

Once I started to admit some pretty deeply repressed and painful beliefs about myself things started to click and make sense. We can blame our ex's for a lot... . but in raw honesty... . I found that a lot of the ugly that live inside my BPDexbf also lived inside me as well. *Ouch*.  It's a freeing realization but a tough one to look in the mirror and accept for yourself.

Moving on isn't detaching so its important that we know the difference. Mourning and grieving are key to detaching and this is where true healing work begins because it takes us beneath the superficial steps of becoming "ok" again. For me there was a "fake it till you make it" aspect of moving forward that I was holding on to but beneath it all I was suffering because I didn't want to let go.

Detaching is looking in the mirror and facing our own shame about our true feelings about ourselves. Chances are those feelings aren't positive and are a big part of how we allowed ourselves to be treated by our ex's.

Hope this helps.

[patientandclear]

Mango, I'm in a similar position, much further out.  I function, but not like I did before this r/s.  I believe for some of us it is indeed PTSD, an abandonment trauma, which explains its persistence.  My therapist calls the feelings a "primitive panic," like when a kid suddenly loses a parent, not necessarily an abusive one but a kind and caring one.  You are constantly trying to figure out what happened and how to get that person back or replace the need they filled.

I guess I'm just saying "you're not weird."  (Or if you are, I am too.)  This raises all kinds of fundamental questions about what we need and will experience in our lives.  I don't think it all traces back to FOO -- some of the trauma books often cited on this site explain that this kind of abandonment as an adult can be an original cause of trauma.

I did NOT find that NC resolved everything.  I had pristine NC for 10 months, except when he "ping'ed" me and I passed the "test" and asked to maintain NC.  I stayed stuck.  I couldn't figure out how this happened and whether I could have done something different that would have prevented the awful outcome.  He replaced me, that was awful, etc.

As you know I ended up back in touch with him and while that has had its challenges, it did help to move me through the "stuck-ness."  For better and for worse, I understand him so much better now, and I understand us so much better now.  I see the limits, I see they do not come from me, I see what I would need to do for us to have a strongly connected r/s, I am debating whether I want to do those things.  I've learned for sure that I cannot have a normal r/s with him, of the sort I imagined (and he advertised) when we were first together.

I think in time, other things will grow up to crowd out the memories and questions and hurt.  But it may be a lot of time.  As Clairedair wrote on here recently, if these people had died a few months back, no one would expect you to be "over it."  What happened was like that but harder, since it was a quasi-voluntary act, or a series of them, that caused the loss, and it's possible we contributed to the dynamic in some way (not at all saying that you did, or that I did, but our minds know it is possible & want to explore that).

Keep going.  I just had to give myself permission to be sad for as long as I am sad.  I think you will still have a meaningful life while this is slowly resolving, as I do, though not with the full enthusiasm I used to have for it.

[Tippy]

Dear Mango Flower,

Just wanted to say well done for all the work you are doing so far by staying NC and redoing all your email addresses etc  These relationships are so notorious at being difficult to move on from but you are walking in the right direction and taking one step at a time.  The thoughts you are having of her are totally normal.  Recovering from this type of relationship is like living with a ghost.  They can haunt you for some time.  Please take my advise do not ever contact her or try to re establish any type of "friends" relationship.  Stay away as you are doing.  Your emotional attachment will start to go, when, I cant say as we all recover differently.

I made mistakes, I am 5 and half years out.  I was stupid and tried to be friends but this meant I couldnt move forward for a long time.  I hadnt heard from my exBPD since December last year then he appeared on my computer tonight.  My stomach went in knots and my breathing became deep for 3 or 4 minutes.  I am ok now but I put this down to not doing what you are doing now.  Keeping away from her for good.  I have had several years of therapy to right the wrongs of my past and thought processes to fix myself.  It has worked wonders, I am in the most healthiest or relationships now and incredibly happy.  So through the darkness I had to go the light truly is at the end of the tunnel.  Good luck.

Tippy

[xenia]

Moving on isn't detaching so its important that we know the difference. Mourning and grieving are key to detaching and this is where true healing work begins because it takes us beneath the superficial steps of becoming "ok" again. For me there was a "fake it till you make it" aspect of moving forward that I was holding on to but beneath it all I was suffering because I didn't want to let go.

Your whole post was valuable, but this part really stood out to me. I agree. Keeping busy--while a great way to keep your mind off things--can turn into "running away" if you become obsessive. Also... . I may be in the minority on this, but I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with still thinking about your ex. If it's interfering too much with your day-to-day you should address it, but we are all here because we walked away from someone important to us, or they walked away from us. The fact that the person is (or may be) BPD makes the pain worse. I still think about many people who were once a part of my life but aren't anymore. These are "normal" people... . but our time together had come to an end. Sometimes when I think about them I laugh at the memories. Other times I cry because I don't have the connection anymore and I fear I won't have it again. I think this is pretty normal. A friend of mine died in a car accident about 6 years ago. She was very young. I met this friend in childhood and we were never super close, and I hadn't spoke to hear in YEARS when I found out she died. But I cried so much at her funeral. She's buried at a place near my job, and every now and then I'll get the urge to visit her grave. Sometimes when I go I talk to her and am in a good mood. Other times I talk and am more contemplative. Then there are the times that--recently--I'm ok overall, but the tears come. Again... . for someone I wasn't very close to. The advice given here is wonderful, but sometimes I get the impression that the BPD person should--at the end--essentially be dead to us; that we should have no more feelings for them at all. For some people that is possible. For others, not so much. In my world that is not going to happen because that's not how I treat the memories of people who were special to me. And honestly, I don't want to forget them. But I do want to get to a point where I'm not bogged down by sadness, and that's where grief work comes in.

[Clearmind]

Unfortunately NC does not help us detach - NC is short term - in time we need to face the reasons for our attachment.

Part of the process of detaching is not squashing our emotions by running ourselves ragged - this is avoiding the instant feelings of grief rather than processing them in a healthy way. Sit with your emotions, allow yourself to feel rather than avoid.

Have you considered seeing a doctor? Are you seeing a good therapist?

[babyducks]

- in time we need to face the reasons for our attachment.

Mango Flower,

The reason I was so attached, or I should say one of the reasons, was there were no limits in our relationship.   The roller coaster had no breaks.  The highs were breathtakingly high, and the lows were appalling low.   Almost like an adrenaline junkie I miss the intensity.   Now I get why people jump out of planes.

I miss those highs.   Badly.   I grieve those moments.   Which were some of the most special I have ever experienced.   

The sad reality was those highs came attached to the damaging lows.  I couldn't have one without the other.

And the price of those lows, was too much for both of us.   It wasn't good for either one of us.   The world doesn't need another Taylor/Burton romance.

I still care for her deeply.  There are days I still love her.   And I need to do everything in my power to let go of her.   To hold on is cruel.  Cruel to me, and to her.

Practice thought stopping,  substitute thoughts of her with some positive future looking thought about you.  Any thought.  Do it over and over again.   It gets easier.

babyducks

[bb12]

I tend to agree with P&C in that what keeps us stuck may not be FOO related. My own feeling is that we were extremely lonely when our exBPD came along and that the bond was loaded with stuff pertaining to the easing of that loneliness. In a sense, the relief we felt when they came along was akin to another primary attachment like a parent. We came from a place of such need.

But our ex, disordered or not, did not sign up for this.

We need to go complexly NC to heal for we have assigned them a role that no-one can successfully manage for very long. I think the key to detaching is in the exploration of our dependency and core shame & loneliness.

It's ironic that we need to address our feelings of loneliness alone but it's the only way. I still think of my ex a lot but won't break NC and I feel I'm getting better now. Still single but not so lonely.

Bb12

[fakename]

hey mango,

i'm really glad you've taken all those steps, thats a whole lot of progress there! be proud of that... .

it kinda sounds to me that you're at the point where i was when i first came onto this site (which is when i told myself i wouldnt take her back no matter what and was determined to move on)... . from there on out it was very painful the first 2 months... . but i made sure to keep doing the positive things for myself to move forward in life (not just move forward away from my r/s with her)

when i first started reading your posts months ago, (and i could be wrong, as i dont really know you), but i didnt see it as a real break up cause you were still open to contact with her (regardless of what the reasons were, i think she owed you money or something or maybe i'm mixing you up with someone else)... . but i still think you welcomed and wanted that contact, rather than moving on with your life... . i also think you were hoping for her to leave who she was with and come back to you fully... . i'm just speculating, and maybe i'm wrong, if so, i'm sorry... .

anyway, that's all irrelevant... . whatever youre feeling now seems normal to me and i went through the same thing... .

dont be so hard on yourself... . it'll get better... . just be patient and remember what youre going through is normal and dont put pressure on yourself... .

(this past weekend i only thought of my ex maybe 4 times, and without any emotional attachment to those thoughts... . )

earlier on i would also try to focus on something to improve about myself each week... . some small things some larger things, like i havent bitten my nails in the past 4 weeks (i used to bite them all the time), i also have been focusing on building my inner confidence and i can proudly say that it's pretty much as high as it has ever been and that improves each week... . i'm doing really well cause i'm putting in hard work to become the person i want to be and that just makes me know that i can do so much better than her (even when my self-improvement progress is slow for a particular day or couple of days) ... . even though at the moment i have no interest in a relationship or anything... .

i dont know. was trying to post something helpful but maybe this wasnt... . dont know what to say but just be good to yourself and do things to make yourself proud, dont yourself beat up when youre sad or falter or feel worthless (i have those moments or days) oh yeah, thats another thing i've been working on, to change the way i think (i realize i used to fill my mind with a lot of negative thoughts, about me and what i am or what i'm capable of... . they were negative thoughts masked by not completely pure confident thoughts (if that makes sense to you), ... . i tohught i was an optimist, but i guess i was more negative than i thought... . it was negativity masked by optimism... . a clever ruse by my mind... . and ive changed that... .

i guess i realized its not just about changing my habits but also about changing how i think... .

oh yeah... . ive also accepted everything... . from what happened between me and her to her being with her bf... . it doesnt hurt me anymore, i dont feel envious or any of that... . i hope theyre happy... . them not being happy isnt what is going to make me happy or bring me peace of mind, that'll just be a distraction or a mask to cover up my own internal demons... . but those feelings/acceptance/peace of mind comes only when you put yourself in a position to be able to realize those on your own time and in your own way... .

anyway, i'm so happy for the progress you've made, i'd say its pretty much the same progress i've made since i've been on here. just take your time with everything and it'll click on its own

[rollercoaster24]

Hi all,

Me too, I must be insane!