Mother's/Father's day are the hardest...

[thinkingthinking]

As I go through divorce with dBPDh, it seems that the most difficult holidays for me to get through have been Mother's and Father's day.  Christmas and Easter were hard simply because of the logistics of who would be where.  But Mother's and Father's day have been emotionally wearing.  I've been trying to decide why, and have to think that it is simply because our kids are the one purely postive thing to come out of this relationship.  The time around their births was happy, and I am so grateful to get to be part of these 3 awesome kids' lives.  He really was good with the kids until they hit a certain age, or he had some sort of change, or ? 

On Mother's Day my dBPDh stopped over crying, and I was already feeling down.  Then same thing today.  Hoping these days get easier with time. I really wish that some day we could have a friendship, but I just don't know that is ever going to be possible as he is just so "all or nothing" with everything in his life.

[ForeverDad]

I must be an exception around here.  I've often remarked how I must be a bit shut down emotionally, maybe I should phrase it as somewhat distanced?  Maybe you can notice from my too-calm replies sometimes?

Anyway, my problem with them is not the emotions but the heightened risk of conflict.  Somehow my ex finds a way to find fault with me and curse me out.  This morning I had the exchange and she didn't like hearing my comment that I should already have had them since I started extended time on Thursday.  (I had sent her a written notice of my summer extended time and also mentioned it a week beforehand, saying something like "starting next Wednesday" - we have exchanges every Wednesday about 6 pm - but she still picked him up from daycare anyway the Friday after, a couple days ago.  So there want my extended time.)  After the denial she ended up cursing me out and I left.  As she was venting I recall saying, 'This is what I don't want to happen" (with our preteen there).  Then I got a series of phone calls and VMs.  I did answer once but she was trying to undo what she'd done, shifting it to me not wanting to fix it her way.

The return is coming up soon.  She let loose her emotions earlier, but with court coming up she'll probably do some sort of damage control, probably blame-shifting still, trying to smooth over her overreactions.

[mamachelle]

kim0914,

I agree with both of you.

((Happy Father's Day, Forever Dad!))

8 years ago, I remember, freshly separated and OOP still in place for me I think?... . BPD Dad wanted to spend Mother's Day with me and my 2 DD then 5 and 8 who had sat and sunday visitation with him 12-5. I refused, refused, refused. He was hurt and angry. I went walking with a friend for a few hours, had coffee and returned to fetch the kids. BPD Dad had my DD5 on the hood of the car. holding her too close-pressing in to her - I thought he was like making out with her   (she resembles me) when I got close he handed me a cheap white plastic gas station rose. It was really creepy and uncomfortable.

I could tell many stories. Does get better as kids get older so far as kids can be more active participants and less the pawn of the parent. I don't want to speak for those with new separations and older kids... . just my kids and step kids... . both with a BPD parent were between 1-8 when the split happened.

 mamachelle