BPD Ex passed away and I now have access to all she has ever wrote

[DontPanic]

to say the least it is chilling, I now know why all those people did not like me and now know that it had nothing to do with my actions but was a fantasy of her own that she continued to do to not just other men in her life but anyone that had the misfortune to cross her path.

Some folks bought it hook line and sinker and to them I am the monster... .

Geez, I am tempted to write a book as I wonder how many people have access to this type of detailed information about how someone with this type of condition relates to the world.

in the end she could not sleep at all as her mind was constantly spinning to find new ways to spin things to make herself look good and her targets look bad... .

Would others find value in reading this type of detailed information?

[xenia]

If you don't mind me asking, how did she die?

I think the information could be a valuable glimpse into *one* BPD sufferers life. I'd be interested in reading such. My suspected BPD friend said she journals a lot, and she would burn them. I always thought that was a big extreme. I'm a private person myself and the times I kept journals and wanted to get rid of them, I'd shred the pages. I don't judge her for burning them but I wondered what was in the pages that she felt burning them was the only way she could be confident no one would read them.

My friend also suffers from insomnia. A lot of it probably has to do with her occupation but she said her mind never stops. I was always worried about her lack of sleep, and my heart went out to her. I can't imagine not being able to turn my thoughts off for weeks on end.

[Surnia]

Hi DontPanic

Wow, a very difficult situation.

How do you feel about her death?

It is hard to read about her view on you. 

You have access to something very private about her now. And it is very also about you and a difficult rs. I would take it very slowly.

[Vegasskydiver]

I would love to know how the mind of a pwBPD thinks and feels.  I think it would help process some of the pain.  My exBPDbf had great difficulty sleeping even when taking drugs like ambien and lunesta.  He just couldn't quiet his mind down.  I am sorry for your loss but in a way you are free now.   :'(

[recoil]

I read the journals of Sylvia Plath to gain some insight into the mind of a borderline.

[DontPanic]

We dont have the toxicology report back (as much as she threatened suicide it would not suprise me if that was the final cause). that being said the coroner has said that the cause of death was liver failure causing a massive heart attack (from what I've been told). My thought on writing a book is o perhaps help people that are stuck in this situation , maybe it will help me, maybe it wont, but it seems like there is some value in getting the information out.

For instance while she was telling me that she loved me, she was sleeping with anyone that would breathe in her direction.

suicide threats/attempts and what they looked like from her perspective.

the constant need to be validated by everyone and carry that persona of the perfect person.

I guess if I do write something (even smaller than a book) how does one write without my views of the situation dominating her story? Meaning I want it to be real an unclouded as possible.

thoughts?

[fromheeltoheal]

I guess if I do write something (even smaller than a book) how does one write without my views of the situation dominating her story? Meaning I want it to be real an unclouded as possible.

thoughts?

It could be a double: someone who didn't know her or barely knew her reads them and writes an impression, and you write yours.  The contrast could be telling and valuable to some.

[me757]

If you don't mind me asking, how old was she?

[mango_flower]

Personally I'd write it as a two-parter for every chapter.  Her view. Your view.  Would be fascinating! Hope you're doing ok x

[misdiagnosed]

Wow... . I am really sorry to hear about your wife passing away. How long ago was it when she died?

I think publishing her journal as is with nothing added or seperate notes at the bottom of the page would be great. It would allow the reader to make up their own mind and see how a person with BPD thinks.

As for the cheating so far on these threads I hear alot of that. But most men I have seen or met cheat too. I am not being sexist but every single married man on my road cheats on his wife .  And I don't quite understand why everyone always flies through the roof over it when a women does it.

Anyway I have never cheated on anyone in my life. And it seems strange that someone with BPD who fears abandonment would do it given their need for love.

[KellyO]

Anyway I have never cheated on anyone in my life. And it seems strange that someone with BPD who fears abandonment would do it given their need for love.

You really don't see thats why they cheat? Some don't cheat, they have emotional affairs. It is a never ending carouselle. There is a fear of abandonment, but it is entangled with fear of intimacy and closeness. They sort of have to walk on the wire all the time and they hope they can do it without falling on the one side or the other.

There is an endless pit inside them. One person can't fill it, but neither can 100 people.  They keep trying to fill that pit. The person who they are in the relationship with is not more important than any other person that is used to fill that pit.

[Surnia]

Back to you, DontPanic 

About writing: It could be a good thing. I would focus on you first, as a help to acknowledge your own feelings, to detach and overcome a rs with someone who was mentally ill.

Doing this it is primary your story. Perhaps there will be a second story later, her story. Perhaps life take another turn and you are saying: Enough of BPD, you never know.

Your own healing first.

[Octoberfest]

Wow... . I am really sorry to hear about your wife passing away. How long ago was it when she died?

I think publishing her journal as is with nothing added or seperate notes at the bottom of the page would be great. It would allow the reader to make up their own mind and see how a person with BPD thinks.

As for the cheating so far on these threads I hear alot of that. But most men I have seen or met cheat too. I am not being sexist but every single married man on my road cheats on his wife .  And I don't quite understand why everyone always flies through the roof over it when a women does it.

Anyway I have never cheated on anyone in my life. And it seems strange that someone with BPD who fears abandonment would do it given their need for love.

I fly over the roof over it because it is wrong.  It is wrong when men do it too.  I make no excuses for anyone.  If there is an expectation set that two people are in a monogamous relationship, EITHER party straying is a betrayal and WRONG.

Anyway I have never cheated on anyone in my life. And it seems strange that someone with BPD who fears abandonment would do it given their need for love.

You really don't see thats why they cheat? Some don't cheat, they have emotional affairs. It is a never ending carouselle. There is a fear of abandonment, but it is entangled with fear of intimacy and closeness. They sort of have to walk on the wire all the time and they hope they can do it without falling on the one side or the other.

There is an endless pit inside them. One person can't fill it, but neither can 100 people.  They keep trying to fill that pit. The person who they are in the relationship with is not more important than any other person that is used to fill that pit.

I consider emotional affairs cheating.  My BPDex had almost exclusively "emotional affairs" throughout our 9 months that we dated.  Each and every one of them count as cheating in my book.  If you are going to commit to someone and have them commit to you, you had damn well better have each and every thought concerning romantic attachment centered around them.

Maybe I am just bitter.

[KellyO]

@Octoberfest

I definitely see emotional affairs as cheating too, I put my words badly there. But many people don't see them as cheating. I wish those people would bother only eachother.

[Lady31]

October - AMEN.

DontPanic - Im so sorry for your loss.  I'm sure that is so hard to read.  I don't know if you feel the same way or not now that you have been able to see her reality - but I WISH I could see into the mind of my H (soon to be ex in a couple weeks  :'(). 

It's so hard wondering who he REALLY is, and what he REALLY thinks and feels.  I stayed in the crazy abusive hell holding on bc I couldn't believe or understand what was really going on.  Now, I see him more clearly - but then there are times where I start to feel sorry for him.  Or want to reach out to him, or want to believe that what all he is saying is true... . and I feel so broken inside.

When the lies can't be spun in your mind anymore, or bring any doubt whatsoever in your heart - then you have ONE REALITY.  One TRUE reality.  You deal with that reality and go forward, or so I would hope.  Instead of going back and forth and back and forth over what's true.  Is there hope?  Do they love you, or do they not?  Just an over all - WTH?

I think being able to see that would be very helpful. 

[momtara]

I think the book would be useful.  I think BPD is an untold epidemic.  For every one of us who now understands what they (and we) were/are going through, there are thousands more who will never understand the root of their problems.

In reference to the comment above, Sylvia Plath was probably bipolar, certainly depressed, but not borderline.

[misdiagnosed]

Hey I agree with everyone who said cheating is wrong. But putting into perspective is that people do cheat. I one hundred percent believe that a healthy person will never cheat in most cases. But in unhealthy relationships where two people have a moral compass or one person that their cheating is the lesser of two evils I can understand. If say man a is stuck in a marriage where he is not being satisfied but has kids and money tied into a marriage and his partner has no intention of working on their issues then how can we expect hun to duufer the consequences of divorce? Vice versa for women. It's like saying to a victim of abuse to leave a marriage and suffer more from the consequences then the actual abuse. A difficult decision to make for any person. I cam completely understand why some cheat in these circumstances.

[xenia]

If say man a is stuck in a marriage where he is not being satisfied but has kids and money tied into a marriage and his partner has no intention of working on their issues then how can we expect hun to duufer the consequences of divorce?

There is always a choice. Doesn't mean it's going to be easy. Nobody is ever "stuck" in a divorce.

[xenia]

If say man a is stuck in a marriage where he is not being satisfied but has kids and money tied into a marriage and his partner has no intention of working on their issues then how can we expect hun to duufer the consequences of divorce?

There is always a choice. Doesn't mean it's going to be easy. Nobody is ever "stuck" in a divorce.

I'm sorry. I meant to say, nobody is ever stuck in a marriage.

[IamDevastated]

to say the least it is chilling, I now know why all those people did not like me and now know that it had nothing to do with my actions but was a fantasy of her own that she continued to do to not just other men in her life but anyone that had the misfortune to cross her path.

Some folks bought it hook line and sinker and to them I am the monster... .

Geez, I am tempted to write a book as I wonder how many people have access to this type of detailed information about how someone with this type of condition relates to the world.

in the end she could not sleep at all as her mind was constantly spinning to find new ways to spin things to make herself look good and her targets look bad... .

Would others find value in reading this type of detailed information?

Yes, I for one would very much like to see this information. I had the same "fantasy" regarding my own exBPD just some days ago... . I won´t even call it fantasy... . I was walking outside and all of a sudden got this CHILLING omen-like feeling: What if? What if I could see my exBPDs phone and all her text messages and see her FB chats with others and hear conversations where she talked with others about me... . I realized right then and there that i would probably be absolutely nightmarish to read and witness. But I would do it. Just to see the true extent of her warped mind.

Normally I would respect the privacy of the dead. But not in this case. With all the pain they cause others. I think actually it would be called for to let others get insight into something like this.

[mac274]

to say the least it is chilling, I now know why all those people did not like me and now know that it had nothing to do with my actions but was a fantasy of her own that she continued to do to not just other men in her life but anyone that had the misfortune to cross her path.

Some folks bought it hook line and sinker and to them I am the monster... .

Geez, I am tempted to write a book as I wonder how many people have access to this type of detailed information about how someone with this type of condition relates to the world.

in the end she could not sleep at all as her mind was constantly spinning to find new ways to spin things to make herself look good and her targets look bad... .

Would others find value in reading this type of detailed information?

Yes, I for one would very much like to see this information. I had the same "fantasy" regarding my own exBPD just some days ago... . I won´t even call it fantasy... . I was walking outside and all of a sudden got this CHILLING omen-like feeling: What if? What if I could see my exBPDs phone and all her text messages and see her FB chats with others and hear conversations where she talked with others about me... . I realized right then and there that i would probably be absolutely nightmarish to read and witness. But I would do it. Just to see the true extent of her warped mind.

Normally I would respect the privacy of the dead. But not in this case. With all the pain they cause others. I think actually it would be called for to let others get insight into something like this.

Actually, in my situation I ended getting all this information on my cheating spouse... . text messages, emails going back over a year, pictures, journals, Facebook chat history going back almost three years.

Let's just say... . it was eye opening, enlightening, confusing, and depressing all at the same time. Wait a second... . that's sound like a borderline -- LOL!