for me it's definitely a family thing

[okaythen]

Hello, I don't know my way around here yet, but hopefully that is soon to change.

[Murbay]

 

Hi okaythen and welcome to the site.

To start us off, maybe you would like to tell us a bit about your situation and what brought you to us? Who is the person with BPD in your life and how has it affected you?

Once we have a few more details, we will certainly be able to guide you to the right area for you and also give you some tools to help ease your situation a little bit 

[okaythen]

  I believe I'm through the worst of it. Because now I think I know what's been going wrong learning to deal with my mother, my sister and my almost 30 year old daughter. There's been signs but I was never sure. It's harder for me to talk about than I think it should be. Anyway I'm hear now, and I'm hoping to learn more. Thanks.

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, okaythen    and   

It sounds like you are in the right place    Wow... . a Mom, Sister and Daughter with possible BPD? That's a lot to handle; no wonder you've been through the worst of it! But, it sounds like you're starting to get an idea of how to deal with all of them?

I don't have a Mom with BPD, but my MIL is (undiagnosed) BPD, and my adult Son (36) is diagnosed BPD. I have no siblings with it, so you've got me there!  I do know how hard it is to communicate with them, though, and have had to walk on eggshells, myself, for many years (more than 39!) with my MIL, and then many with my son. I know what you have been going through, and so does everyone else who posts here

It sounds like you already realize that there is a lot to learn here that can make things easier for you in these relationships~~there are many success stories here that will give you insight into just how to do this 

There are also many Articles, Workshops, Videos and Book Reviews that can teach you the tools you need for better communication (which leads to better relationships). A good place to start is in The Learning Center, where all of those tools mentioned above can be found. If you go to the BOARDS tab in the horizontal bar above your first post, click it and go down to the bottom of the page, you will find it. Here's the link: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php

You say that you've seen the signs in your family that makes you believe they have BPD? What are you dealing with? Share your story when you are ready, so we can know how to help you   

[okaythen]

To start us off, maybe you would like to tell us a bit about your situation and what brought you to us? Who is the person with BPD in your life and how has it affected you?

Once we have a few more details, we will certainly be able to guide you to the right area for you and also give you some tools to help ease your situation a little bit 

I'll try. I feel like I have been surrounded by many kinds of crazy. My Mom and Dad split up when I was 13, Dad got us from my Mom soon after. I moved out at 17. For some reason I was drawn to a real 'fixer-upper and at 23 I found myself alone and pregnant. I was determined my child would always know I loved her! But I don't think she does now. My Mom disowned us because I wanted to join a religion she didn't like. I thought, how unloving, why can't she just tell me and then let me do what I decide? It lasted maybe a few months; after all, I had her only grandchild at the time. She started doing things with my daughter without even inviting me, pretty early on. My daughter went through phases where she'd refuse to talk to her father, not even to say Hi on the phone, although I'd urge her to. My Mom did other things to push me away, trying to use my sisters against me. Nothing lasted long, but I got used to feeling hurt. I don't seem to feel any desire to retaliate, which I'm grateful for, since that would only add to the drama. I just decided my mother doesn't really love me, even though she thinks she does. Then I found out my sisters each felt the same way. Once a very kind therapist told me I owe her nothing, after some of the things she's done. I told him I feel that God wants me to show her the respect I owe her as my mother. He then said OK but don't ever expect anything back because I won't get it, ever. I agreed with him. And so I try to call her every 3 weeks or so, just to see how she's doing. I try not to talk too much about me. I don't want to let her in again.

When my daughter was 14 my mother helped her father to take me to court for him to get custody. She even made an appointment to talk to the law guardian about me, but she cancelled it due to my sisters questioning her about it. Eventually thru the court dates My daughter decided to stay with me instead, only because as she put it, she knew I'd do what I said I'd do. Over the years, I found myself saving 2 books that resonated with me, "Stop Walking on Eggshells", and "Borderline DeMystified". But I just couldn't be sure. I also thought she may have Oppositional Defiant Disorder. But no one else but my new husband could ever see it. Not teachers, doctors (just gave her antidepressants), my family... . I doubted my own judgement. Also she never spoke of suicide or self-harmed. I used strategies from the books though, I sent her her favorite lap blanket to remind her of being with me, and I always told her I loved her. She is a very strong willed person. She took the long way, finally she went back to school and has a degree. There was something she wanted last fall, and she did her best to persuade su that it was really our idea for her to have it. I got that sick sad feeling again and handed the phone off to my husband to see what he thought. He calmly let her know that her taking this thing was not our idea at all, it was her idea. She kind of fell apart, told him not to be a ef-ing idiot, and hung up. The next day she called me in her full-blown fast paced frantic mode trying to explain it all away before I had a chance to speak. I spoke over her telling her that she knew I couldn't handle it when she talked that way, she needed to calm down. Finally I hung up. I guess she gave up and perhaps took that as abandonment (which I can understand!) because she and her boyfriend quickly defriended me on fb and cut off all contact with us. This time I didn't try too hard to get back in. I am tired. I don't want to suffer through all her blaming and anger to earn an audience with her again, like I've done in the past. Because she's GROWN. Soon some relatives approached me because I hadn't been invited to her wedding and they thought it was wrong and they didn't understand it. I told them to please chill, go and have a good time. And please don't challenge her about it, just let her have her day! The odd thing is later I found out my sister had flown here for it, and never talked to me about that she was going, how did I feel, or even tried to visit with me while here. I'd thought we were friends. When I told her I was hurt, she claimed she HAD talked to me, even adding details of things she had told me. I replied that now I was annoyed bc none of that had happened, and she would not be able to find any digital proof of it (she never calls me, only emails and fb posts, and lets her cell go to vmail if I call her) bc none existed! Kind of a challenge, which she never responded to (bc no proof existed). So I told her I wanted to back off and take a break; at least she didn't defriend me, so we can see some of what the other is up to. I have stayed remote friendly with her ex, her kids father, and when I contacted him about the kids I explained why I was on a break from my sister, and he said,"Oh good, you SEE it." So then we really talked, he told me about this support group. Bc now I really need this group. Bc now I see so much. It was never my fault with my daughter, the mistakes I made didn't cause this (SO much relief!). Now I KNOW my mom, my sister (he told me she HAD been diagnosed before their break-up) and my baby girl (29 now), they are ALL Borderline. They will most likely never be able to give me the love I wanted from them. It all kind of boggles my mind. I am sorry this is so long. And none of the three knows I believe them to have BPD. I am old now, I love them but I am tired. I have no desire to try to fix it anymore. But I am sad.

[ScarletOlive]

Hi okaythen,

Just wanted to join in on the welcoming party here! I can see how you would feel worn and tired from all of the struggles you've been through. Many of us here can relate. It's hard to deal with reckless and risky behavior from those we love. You can join in here on this board to talk about your mom and sister, and you also might find it helpful to check out the Supporting a son or daughter suffering from BPD board to discuss your unique challenges you face with your daughter.

How much contact do you have with your mom and sister now? Keep posting and sharing. I know you'll fit here. Sending you lots of caring and support.

[okaythen]

"... . worn and tired from all of the struggles you've been through. Many of us here can relate. It's hard to deal with reckless and risky behavior from those we love. You can join in here on this board to talk about your mom and sister... . How much contact do you have with your mom and sister now? Keep posting and sharing. I know you'll fit here. Sending you lots of caring and support. [/quote]
Hi Olive, I'm curious what do you mean by the risky behavior? And thank you for reading such a long post-with 3 BPD family members it was hard to know what to leave out. Right now not much contact, my daughter blames me I'm sure and is not putting forth an olive branch. I feel bad bc she has my niece and won't let her see us bc of all this drama. But I don't feel bad enough to endure my daughter's wrath just to see my niece, which I'm sure would come with a lot of conditions and controlling behavior. She'd just better do a good job of caring for her.

My sister I will probably be able to say a few things to and then resume some measure of casual contact with.

Now my mother just posted a meme on fb today that she knew i'd find annoying, but I just ignored it (and vented to a friend or 2 about-I'm not perfect sadly). Still I feel Mom is mad with me and wants to provoke, just without looking like that's what she's doing. Best to ignore and not give her any reaction.

[okaythen]

Hi there,

I think my intro post may have already been moved to bpdfamily. My Mom, Sis, and Daughter all have their own personalities, and many BD traits. I'm a bit old to know this for sure finally. It changes everything even while it is all the same old drama. It explains so many things. First I let go of hope of ever being closer to my mother, then my daughter, and now my sister. Can anyone else relate to these experiences?  

[thinkingthinking]

I think I really understand what you are saying.  Finally "getting" that a loved one has BPD is bittersweet.  There is some relief in understanding, but a lot of grief in knowing that it means never having a relationship that is close the way you would hope. 

Currently divorcing my dBPDh, and have a 22 year-old daughter that has SO MANY of the same traits. Everyday is a struggle to maintain boundaries that keep me healthy. And that means losing/changing the mother-daughter relationship that I had imagined as she grew up. 

I can only imagine that it is so difficult as you realize this loss across a couple of generations. Hang in there and remember to take care of yourself!

[okaythen]

Thanks so much Kim!

Can I ask, how long did it take you to realize this about your husband and child? Mine is 29 now.

[okaythen]

I am in a dull pain now. Someday maybe I'll cry again. It's all a mess but I kept trying til I had to stop. I won't stay stuck in sadness. They don't really even seem to know I am real, and am real.

[DreamFlyer99]

I am in a dull pain now. Someday maybe I'll cry again. It's all a mess but I kept trying til I had to stop. I won't stay stuck in sadness. They don't really even seem to know I am real, and am real.

I know it seems impossible at the moment, but you will get to a different place. I've decided to call myself a "late bloomer" when it comes to understanding that there are and have been BPD people in my life. I'm nearly 60 but i'm just really glad things are making sense! I also went through quite a period of dark, cold, grief--grieving the marriage I thought I had or wanted to have and facing the reality of what I do have, grieving the mother relationship of what never was what I would have loved to have, and she's been gone for over a decade. It still comes back to bite me once in a while, but now i'm reading and learning about what I can do I feel more hopeful. It's so much about learning how you take care of you and become the best you that you can be in the situations with the people you have in your life.

That "not feeling real" is a feeling I know, and for me I think it came from the fact that we were speaking entirely different languages, and the BPDs in my life really were only seeing themselves anyway, not me.

Hold on, and know there is hope in learning these things, since you can only have hope in the things you have control of: you and your own actions.

[okaythen]

There is like a gleefulness expressed when they do something that seems calculated to hurt my feelings. A friend told me my daughter had said, "This is gonna really drive my Mom crazy", or words to that effect. I don't understand that need. My mom sends out a meme mocking my religion; she KNOWS I usually see them, but has to add,"So true!" or worse. Just wants to bug me. I find it pretty easy to control those types of urges in myself. Maybe they don't have the same ability to regulate, according to what I am learning.

[thinkingthinking]

Similar to you, I had some idea for a long time but didn't trust myself.  About 3 years ago, I finally decided to separate from my husband.  His reaction to this was so extreme that it just solidified what I thought I knew. 

With my daughter, the signs were there when she was 14 or 15, but I had no idea "what" the signs were pointing to.  At 15 we found out she was cutting herself and started counseling with her, but no one ever mentioned BPD.  Only after several more years of her moving in and out of my life, followed by her dad's diagnosis, did I put it together.  And still I wish it "wasn't"  :'(

But... . it is better to know and be able to save my energy for positive things.  She is 22 and has a 3 year old son. She drinks as a way to deal with things, so I do try to keep just enough contact to make sure he is not at risk.  I would not hesitate to call authorities if I felt like he was at risk.

Keep writing and "listening" to the stories of others on the site. The familiarity of others' stories is reassuring, and there are a lot of people on here with some great advice on detachment, coping and taking care of yourself!  Isn't that a hard concept for us?  Taking care of yourself! 

[ScarletOlive]

Hi Olive, I'm curious what do you mean by the risky behavior?

Sorry, risky was the wrong word. I meant to say that her behavior must be tough to deal with because of the black and white thinking.

I'm very sorry your mom mocks your religion. I know that when folks mock our personal and deeply held beliefs, it hurts very much. You are correct that people with BPD do struggle to manage their emotions. Another name for BPD is emotion dysregulation disorder. The disorder causes them to suffer from very intense emotions that are easily aroused, and disinhibition like acting impulsively on immediate stimuli. Knowing this can help when your mom says or does something similar. 

[okaythen]

Thanks for the sympathy Scarlet olive! I guess it's in vogue right now to make fun of religion and the bible. Because My MOM does this on an almost daily basis on facebook, with relish! I wouldn't bring it up, but, it's one thing for her to get all fired up and act rashly, but when it's all the time? I feel like she is baiting me, but in a passive-aggressive way, so that if ever I were to confront her she'll do her usual, something like,"Oh! I'm sorry, were you taking that personally?" I can't let myself take the bait. Does she know, is she happy that she's hurting, or trying to hurt me? That is how it really feels. I have my defenses up, my kid (her kid if you ask her) is grown, there aren't many ways left to get me.

There are a lot of things I stop myself from saying or doing, after I try to make myself consider other people involved or watching, listening. I know other people who don't believe the bible has value, but they don't stomp all over it in public. I hope you don't think this is just about religion bc this could be about anything, do you see what I'm trying to say?

[DreamFlyer99]

There is like a gleefulness expressed when they do something that seems calculated to hurt my feelings. A friend told me my daughter had said, "This is gonna really drive my Mom crazy", or words to that effect. I don't understand that need. My mom sends out a meme mocking my religion; she KNOWS I usually see them, but has to add,"So true!" or worse. Just wants to bug me. I find it pretty easy to control those types of urges in myself. Maybe they don't have the same ability to regulate, according to what I am learning.

The really "fun" part of the BPD is that they do SO much stuff to get a reaction! They often like when things are stirred up. That's where we have to learn to not give them the satisfaction of a big reaction/defense. That's exactly what they're after!

My hubby has often, in his angry/frustrated poking-poking-poking had a smile on his face at the time. I've asked him a few times, "what are you smiling about?" His mother used to do that too. I can't know their minds at all in those moments, as they are kinda off in their own little self-focused BPD worlds, but i'll agree it's a crazy seeming thing.

By the way, his answer has usually been more of the irrational speech that's already going on, so not much help. !