Is this good news? Part two

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

The saga continues as life unfolds. I am less of a mess than I was although I still have my moments. Everything in my life is in upheaval which makes it difficult to be calm, grounded and centered.

I am finishing up a dreadfully difficult school year and will hear later this week if I am being invited back next year. Of course I want to have a job, but the prospect of not coming back here, no matter what, is as liberating as it is terrifying. I do not like my job at all - in every way, it is a poor fit for me. I have a job offer waiting for me in a city 1700 miles away. I do not want to move. I only applied to this job to please my partner, out of codependency.    Yet... . I may end up needing this job, and in many ways it is a great opportunity.

Things with my partner are better in some ways, but in others there has been little movement. This weekend we were intimate for the first time in two months. It was nice, but not like it was before. I miss the affection more than the sex, and the affection is pretty much still gone with a few exceptions here and there. Our interactions are a little easier and more natural again.  The last time we discussed the r/s she said that she was committed to the relationship. And she was willing to be sexual this weekend for the first time since April. So that is the progress.

Yet... . there are still unanswered questions that need to be addressed in the coming weeks. I deliberately decided to wait at least one more week to broach this with her: a) so that I could get through this last week of school and b) so that I can continue reflecting and absorbing input from others and feel as clear as possible about my position.

I'm uncomfortable with the fact that she is not seriously looking for work. The evidence suggests that she is unwilling to truly commit herself to our partnership, that we are just not on the same page. As but one example, I consider us to be married (though we never had a ceremony or civil union paperwork), but she considers herself to be unmarried. That's a pretty glaring example - and maybe the only one that matters... . then again maybe it doesn't matter at all. I am still so confused.

There are others, but since our lease is up in July... . I need to start breaking out of this caretaking, codependent pattern I have been trapped in. I am still paying for everything and no matter what else happens, THAT has to stop, as this dynamic is a huge driver of the toxicity between us. She's really having her cake and eating it too. On the one hand she doesn't want to be "controlled" and wants to "be her own person"... . on the other she enjoys the fruits of my labor by freely visiting her sister for several days at a time without having to worry about punching a time clock or having any responsibilities to her life with me, to our household.  I need a partner who has skin in the game with me... . not a freeloader who is just here because it is easy and convenient. I need to find out exactly what it is that I have - a partner, or a parasite.

[cult]

The saga continues as life unfolds. I am less of a mess than I was although I still have my moments. Everything in my life is in upheaval which makes it difficult to be calm, grounded and centered.

I am finishing up a dreadfully difficult school year and will hear later this week if I am being invited back next year. Of course I want to have a job, but the prospect of not coming back here, no matter what, is as liberating as it is terrifying. I do not like my job at all - in every way, it is a poor fit for me. I have a job offer waiting for me in a city 1700 miles away. I do not want to move. I only applied to this job to please my partner, out of codependency.    Yet... . I may end up needing this job, and in many ways it is a great opportunity.

Things with my partner are better in some ways, but in others there has been little movement. This weekend we were intimate for the first time in two months. It was nice, but not like it was before. I miss the affection more than the sex, and the affection is pretty much still gone with a few exceptions here and there. Our interactions are a little easier and more natural again.  The last time we discussed the r/s she said that she was committed to the relationship. And she was willing to be sexual this weekend for the first time since April. So that is the progress.

Yet... . there are still unanswered questions that need to be addressed in the coming weeks. I deliberately decided to wait at least one more week to broach this with her: a) so that I could get through this last week of school and b) so that I can continue reflecting and absorbing input from others and feel as clear as possible about my position.

I'm uncomfortable with the fact that she is not seriously looking for work. The evidence suggests that she is unwilling to truly commit herself to our partnership, that we are just not on the same page. As but one example, I consider us to be married (though we never had a ceremony or civil union paperwork), but she considers herself to be unmarried. That's a pretty glaring example - and maybe the only one that matters... . then again maybe it doesn't matter at all. I am still so confused.

There are others, but since our lease is up in July... . I need to start breaking out of this caretaking, codependent pattern I have been trapped in. I am still paying for everything and no matter what else happens, THAT has to stop, as this dynamic is a huge driver of the toxicity between us. She's really having her cake and eating it too. On the one hand she doesn't want to be "controlled" and wants to "be her own person"... . on the other she enjoys the fruits of my labor by freely visiting her sister for several days at a time without having to worry about punching a time clock or having any responsibilities to her life with me, to our household.  I need a partner who has skin in the game with me... . not a freeloader who is just here because it is easy and convenient. I need to find out exactly what it is that I have - a partner, or a parasite.

[byasliver]

I don't know what you're asking is the "good news" but I will say that it sounds like you are making some important and healthy decisions. You are realizing some of your own boundaries and thinking about a plan to enforce them. Stay focused on the things that are important to you and that you have control over (only yourself). If she is working on improving herself, she will join you as you enter this new phase in your life by making healthy decisions for herself and taking on more responsibility. Wishing the best for both of you and hoping you hear good news soon about your job situation (whether it's staying with the old or going forward with the new).

[Surnia]

cult

I deeply agree about your doubts about the caretaking pattern in your rs! I had a long story doing so in my marriage. Good you are aware of it in your rs. 

Do you have a plan to make some changes there?

[cult]

Well, the good news as I originally posted it was the possibility of reconciliation between me and my partner. But I am now considering the possibility that "good news" might actually be very different. It might be better news that I am starting to see reality for what it is no matter what it might mean for the r/s. I am unhappy, nervous, anxious and frightened all of the time and I have to make it stop one way or another.

Based on her statements and other evidence, I have learned that my partner considers herself to be single. However, I consider myself to be married. That pretty much sums up the problem right there. She's not seeing anyone else, of that I am 99% sure, but she is getting her needs for companionship met primarily outside the relationship.

Her best friend is a married man in a miserable, abusive marriage and the two of them have become BFFs recently, though they have known each other for years and I have often socialized with him, his wife and my partner in the past. However, I am now shut out and they spend time together without me... . a lot of time. I know that he spends most of that time complaining about his wife, because she tells me that much.

Interestingly enough, for someone who considers herself to be single, my partner is happy to allow me to support her financially. And I have continued to go along with that - because of the security of the r/s and that it extends the fantasy that we are "together" when in reality, we are not together in the way we used to be. But that is going to have to change. I am worth more than this. I deserve more than this. She is using me- at least that is the way I feel today. She is not the person I married on such a deep level ten years ago. She is not someone I want to be with right now.

I am going to sit with these feelings, talk about them with trusted confidantes and talk with her about this on Friday night which is the next time I will see her. As per her usual routine she is spending the next three days with her sister 90 minutes away, and this is not something to bring up on the phone.