Opinion-Walk-A-Wife Divorce and BPD

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I would like perspective if possible about the above... . as we move down the divorce path there are good days and bad days... . yet the one thing remains clear which since my wife was diagnosed w/BPD before we married #1 I had no clue that the physical abuse, rage, emotional blackmail for 5 years (you better do this/that or she would divorce me, white to black splitting, blaming me for everything were parts of the disorder and #2 the fact that in over 8 years of marriage as the one who tried to get us into joint couseling... . was only successful with getting her to make 2 join session appointments before she quit going... . had a very short blaming inter-change from STB divorced wife on the assessment on why the breakdown of the marriage was all my fault because I failed at all the basic elements of the marriage and gave her the only choice open to her which she had which was for her to engage in a walk-a-way wife type divorce since all the times she got mad and outlined/raged what I was doing wrong never improved in relationship to what she was demanding... . and as a result I have nobody to blame since I deserve and brought on this divorce 100% myself... . and that I need to review what causes a walk-a-way wife divorce so I understand where I failed!

My NC and detachment demeanor and behavior that I been carrying out really helped me not respond in any way to her comments

Peace to all of you as you navigate your path!

NewWays

[NewWays]

I would like perspective if possible about the above... . as we move down the divorce path there are good days and bad days... . yet the one thing remains clear which since my wife was diagnosed w/BPD before we married #1 I had no clue that the physical abuse, rage, emotional blackmail for 5 years (you better do this/that or she would divorce me, white to black splitting, blaming me for everything were parts of the disorder and #2 the fact that in over 8 years of marriage as the one who tried to get us into joint couseling... . was only successful with getting her to make 2 join session appointments before she quit going... . had a very short blaming inter-change from STB divorced wife on the assessment on why the breakdown of the marriage was all my fault because I failed at all the basic elements of the marriage and gave her the only choice open to her which she had which was for her to engage in a walk-a-way wife type divorce since all the times she got mad and outlined/raged what I was doing wrong never improved in relationship to what she was demanding... . and as a result I have nobody to blame since I deserve and brought on this divorce 100% myself... . and that I need to review what causes a walk-a-way wife divorce so I understand where I failed!

My NC and detachment demeanor and behavior that I been carrying out really helped me not respond in any way to her comments

Peace to all of you as you navigate your path!

NewWays

[marbleloser]

Any kids together?

[NewWays]

I really wanted kids... . but looking back that we never had any was a blessing.

NewWays

[marbleloser]

You're in a good position then.Just put a lock on your finances and let her go.

[gonesouth]

I'm new here, but that sounds just like my wife. I'm beginning divorce proceedings and it was revelation to me that she treats me the same as when I was breaking my emotional back to cater to her BPD game that no one can win. Just the same old name calling and accusations no matter what reality is. You are right, the nature of the illness is not done justice by it's name. "Borderline" implies workable, non threatening. It should be Dysfunctional Personality Disorder.

[Free One]

You're in a good position then.Just put a lock on your finances and let her go.

Agreed. Cut your losses and move on.

[Mutt]

Everything you described in the OP with blaming, raging, it's my fault marriage didn't work,  sounds exactly like my waw uBPD. Count your blessings you didn't have kids in the mix.

[NewWays]

Mutt... . and all

I know that I am so lucky that in fact that we did not have any children.

I can not even begin to think how those people that we see posting here that have a BPD spouse or partner... . are going through all the junk that happens and on top of it all... . are trying to keep their children from the pain, damage and negative influence that a divorce has on children, but on top of that the even more negative impact having a BPD person as a parent too!

I take my hat off to all those who are heading toward divorce and have to deal with a BPD partner as part of that process.

They are made of something very special do endure all of that!

NewWays

[livednlearned]

Have you filed? Do you have an L?

Even people who do not have kids get really screwed around in high-conflict divorces. It's really good that you found these boards, there are lots of people here who can help you navigate the legal system when a pwBPD is involved. 

[NewWays]

Live n Leaned... .

My wife for the last year has split to total black... . regarding me and the marriage... . and she filed.

Have a great attorney... . he has handled high conflict BPD proceedings before... . even suggested to me "Splitting" as a must read.  We are in the process of drafting division of property and assets... . which should be interesting!

New Ways

[livednlearned]

Have a great attorney... . he has handled high conflict BPD proceedings before... . even suggested to me "Splitting" as a must read.  We are in the process of drafting division of property and assets... . which should be interesting!

Interesting is not how I would describe it. Exhausting, tedious, expensive, exasperating, sometimes scary. Always crazy.

Just because your L is experienced with BPD or high-conflict divorces does not mean you should take a back seat. Be really vigilant and make sure that everything that goes into your order or settlement has a consequence. Your ex will ignore deadlines and consequences, but you'll need them to give you some traction in the court system if she plays to win.

I am too tired to even explain what my ex tried to do with the car he drives, and the house he was supposed to refinance, and the deal we brokered with my car. It pales in comparison to the stress and expense of our custody battle, but it's still expensive and not an insignificant and totally ridiculous waste of time, not to mention the chronic negative engagement.

All this to say that you need to stay on top of your L and make sure you are driving this process. Otherwise you'll be dealing with this crap for a ridiculously long time.

Get a good strategy in place and ask for lots of advice here. And make sure you've thought through every loophole. The language in your settlement should look like it was written by the most type A person you've ever met. Every t crossed, and every i dotted.

[NewWays]

Lived N Learned... .

Thank you for the comments and input.  Based upon what I have already been through I was not discounting or underestimating what this next path of hell will be like in the divorce.

I have already been exposed what lies ahead with the manipulation, deception and other "crap" as you mention that is for sure to be to come.

I am in sync with your input regarding what I call the "change up" and have discussed this and directed my L on a regular basis on what he needs to deliver.  The behavior that during our marriage was most often... . a first acknowledgement of "I never said that" and/or "That is not the way it happened or I remember" that most often was followed by the Emotional Threat that varied based upon the event and the varied threat that fit your warning that the spouse will say, I will do this or I will do that and at the end of the day it was pure unadulterated B.S.!

So many times this happened in the past, I am now aware of it that it is coming, can truly sense it or feel it... . with a reaction much the same when my allergies and hay fever kicks in.

I have found, probably like you may have experienced that all through this, I hold the power to let her annoy me.  I now more than ever clearly understand the saying "You give other people the power to annoy you", so I try to keep that in mind and may not automatically spew the tidalwave of the negative emotional feelings that she can activate and cause me to spew for hours on end.

To get past this, as I am convinced from the understanding and awareness as a result of my individual sessions with my therapist (Sometime Looking in The Mirror Is Not Pretty) as I believe we all have to do, we all need to find "New Ways" of interacting and dealing with our soon to be BPD Spouse, but also as we move out of such an unhealthy relationship as we need to examine and understand what really caused us to enter into and stay in such a relationship.

I do not know about you, but over the years I got so tired asking myself when the outrageous behavior came out if I was the cause or what really was wrong with me and I do not think anyone on this site will tell you that all of those "What the heck" thoughts we all eventually get, quickly gbet really old really fast until we clearly realize and understand what BPD behavior brings to the party.

I do understand your warnings and guidance about what lies ahead and I appreciate that.  But on the other hand, I am really trying to change the predictable negativity that so often was a result of our engagements and find different or "New Ways" to think, feel and act.

Thanks for helping me be reminded that it is what it is and it will continue to be what it was!

New Ways

[slimmiller]

 

I will jump in here only to say I am one of the unfortunate ones to have had kids with mine. Consider yourself lucky! My children are everything to me and she knows it and loves to 'try' and use them against me. Fact is even the youngest (d7) made the comment this weekend about mommy not being around (we have 50/50 which translates to me doing 90% of the parenting since she is on almost constant bf duty now) My d just said, 'thats alright'. I asked why, she said 'at least mommy is not around yelling at us'  :'(

Even animals have better maternal instincts then she does. I thank God for my children but wish I would have had them with a somewhat 'normal' partner. 

You are in a tough spot but keep your chin up, take a deep breath and do everything you can to remain 'stable'. Nothing works better to her advantage then you loosing it with her or trying to set her in her place so to speak. Thats when the scorpion loves to sting. It makes her alive so to speak

-Slimmiller

[livednlearned]

I do think, even though it's a very painful and uncomfortable process, it has been one of the most important growing experiences I've gone through in my life. I'm twice as assertive, and three times as strong, and would rather be this version of me than who I was in the relationship, and who I was before.

I just wish the lesson ended when I "got it" and truly understood my part in it, and how I ended up in a relationship like this. I wish the cost would go away. I wish the worrying would dissipate. I could never save money with him because he was so impulsive, and now I can't save money because he is fighting over things that he has already agreed to in our court documents. 

My main piece of advice is to always set consequences to everything you agree to. For example, "Mrs. NewWays must refinance the house by June 2014. If the house is not refinanced, Mr. NewWays can decide unilaterally whether to sell the house, select the realtor. Mrs. NewWays must move out of the house during the sale period and foot the bill."

"Mrs. NewWays must sign the title of her car over to NewWays by August 2013. If the title is not notarized and signed over, Mrs. NewWays must pay NewWays the original cost of the car (wouldn't that be nice?) by September 2013. Any legal fees required to resolve the matter will be paid by Mrs. NewWays."

Dunno what the details would be, but that's what I mean by consequences. Make it cost her in real ways if she does not comply. Otherwise, you will be paying $$$ to take her back to court over trivial things, and that isn't right.

Something like that -- so that when (because it is when, not if) she does not follow the order, you have clear contingent steps to follow.

[NewWays]

Lived N Learned... .

I appareciate your wisdom you help me look down the road and be ready... . and I thank you for that!

My mind has been playing the same internal voice you have outlined... . "I just wish the lesson ended when I "got it" and truly understood my part in it, and how I ended up in a relationship like this. I wish the cost would go away. I wish the worrying would dissipate."

It is kind of scary... . after we all do hit the reality wall... . and begin the process of understanding more each day what our part in it really was... . with the help of my counselor... . I never knew how looking in the mirror can be so very painful!  I am really looking forward to the days when the fighting will be gone and that I can really think about in the future being able to have a conversation or relationship with someone where different is not wrong!... . just different and can be different and will not trigger an atomic blast!

Each time I read and get more help from this site and think I had a bad day or like this week which felt like her assessment of the week was I was wrong for just being on this earth!... . then I look around and realize how much more of a burden and strength all the folks here have that are trying to move forward from their BPD spouse and have children from the marriage and are going through and have gone through all the crap that we all experience in a relationship like this... . I take a step back and can never seem to understand how all of them do it!

So I must always say a word of praise and admiration to all of those folks who are taking their own unique path and at the same time have the added challenge of trying to protect their children!

I could never do what all the folks do here each and every day and have to do it with their children as part of the picture.  God Bless them all!


NewWays