Doing joint therapy after almost 1 1/2 years no contact

[mommasa]

I haven't posted in a long time; I think part of my healing process needed to be a break from even THINKING about BPDmom. I was in therapy for a year and my therapist really helped me get to the point where I could go NC with my parents; which I needed, b/c I needed to not have their poison in my mind for awhile. So flash forward 1 1/2 years and my mom has actually been able to respect no contact for most of that time and I am feeling more strong, more independent, more aware of how their manipulation tactics work. So on the one hand, I appreciate that she has left me alone and I do miss my parents - or at least the "good" versions of them, which I am unsure if those even exist any more - but that is why I have agreed to go to joint counseling with my mom. But on the other hand - my mom is violent, unpredictable, and unrepentant. She punched me and doesn't even remember it and claims it never happened or that maybe she slapped me at the most. And all of the horrible things she has said and done to me and my husband she still blames on doctors making her take anti-depressants and takes no responsibility. So I am really torn - I feel like i want to give her this chance; but I worry that I am just exposing myself to a person who I know to be violent, mentally ill, and not taking her medication or seeking any other treatment - and I have to wonder if I am making a mistake. But I feel really compelled to try; I wonder if this counselor might actually be able to get through to her. But her last extinction burst was really scary and I worry about mine and my husband's safety if she has another one. It's so tough!

[mommasa]

I just want to add that I have actually been really happy with NC and even happy with VLC - it has been so wonderful to live my life free of their abuse!  I know that what she hopes comes out of this is that we go back to acting like a happy family and pretending nothing ever happened! (back story: she accused my DH of abusing our kids, called CPS against us, CPS investigated and then told US to watch out for HER b/c they were afraid she was nuts and going to try to kidnap our kids, she got committed, she got out and immediately stopped taking her lithium, had a whopper extinction burst, then moved 2 hours away and has left us in peace for about a year).  There is NO way I will ever allow more than VLC - it is not even an option, for my safety and my family's. So I think the reason I want to go to therapy is to be able to be honest with her for the first time in my life about what I really think and feel, give her a chance to feel like she has gotten to say her piece, get some guidance from the counselor on whether VLC can be a sustainable option for us?  I think those are the reasons, but part of me isn't sure why I want to go; I actually am perfect happy with where our relationship stands now - no phone calls, occasional email, and I agreed to see her in person 3 times a year. I can't possibly handle more exposure than that; so I don't know what I hope to gain from counseling, a chance to talk to her in a safer setting maybe? Is there or can there be any benefit to joint counseling or is it just a disaster waiting to happen? 

[Labelle]

I am so glad you are free from abuse.  My situation is opposite, it is my 20 year old daughter that has BPD.  Maintain your vigilance and at the first sign of abuse I would cease joint therapy.  You deserve to enjoy your life free from madness and abuse.

[Labelle]

Ps.  What is extinction burst?

[mommasa]

thank you! I do hope and think that I am strong enough now to immediately leave if she becomes abusive again. Extinction burst is when you put up boundaries and the pwBPD ramps up their behavior in response - in my case that included calling mine and my husband's workplaces trying to get us fired, emailing all of our friends and relatives and saying horrible things about us, etc. 

[Up In the Air]

Hi! Welcome back.

It sounds like you've done a really healthy and wonderful thing for yourself and your family by taking a break and going NC, going to therapy, focusing on getting clarity and healing that heart of yours.

Was it your idea to go to joint counseling or was it hers? Perhaps if it was hers she might be ready to change at least on some level. It's a start. Because of your history with her, I think it's great that you are committed to keeping VLC while trying to maintain whatever relationship can be salvaged. I know from my experience with my uBPD MIL, therapy was a disaster and we've continued NC, but it's not that way for all of us. I think going, being in the safe environment of a therapist, and giving it a try will let you know if it's going to work or not.

You mentioned the abuse she caused and how she doesn't remember it. I totally feel you there. My MIL does the SAME thing with my hubby and I, only it's emotional abuse. After reading Understanding The Borderline Mother and the excerpt about how a person with BPD can have actual neurological brain issues (can't remember the exact term!) with remembering events when they're in a high emotional state, it's helped me to understand why my MIL may not remember, though there's no excuse for it and it's frustrating when a person can't take responsibility for their actions and validate your pain.

Going to joint therapy is so hard on so many levels and the vulnerability we feel can be a little nerve wracking... . it was for me and it certainly made my mind spin into mush trying to figure out why I was going in the first place. But I had to remind myself that at the very basis of things, I just wanted a healthy relationship and even the tiniest start to one, I was willing to work with. Just remember that you are strong, you are an individual, and you have the right to be respected and have your boundaries respected, period.

Regardless of what happens, we've got your back.

[beatup]

I can totally understand this. On the one side I would like to do therapy with uBPDsister... . the only reason I think is because she is related and I would just hope for her to LISTEN to me. Then on the other side I am really angry, I hate what she has said & done and want nothing whatsoever to do with her. It is a strange conflict that I cannot resolve.

[ObliviousRed]

HI There Mommasa! your situation is more intense then mine (i think) my mother has had outbursts but mostly when we are not in the room. I have witnessed them and heard them. The only other ones i would say are verbal attacks that lasted 5 to 8 hours i would miss my competitions and everything because if i moved or said one word i would be adding another hour to the clock. Even going to the bathroom was frightening due to the delay.

But i am at this crossroad you speak of now with having had about a year NC and we LOVE it, so easy and we can focus on our family and no drama expected. She was not allowed to call, email or visit unless it was quick for an hour and then my husband was here armed with wine (that always mellowed her out) but now she wants to come and stay at my place and visit longer. To open up our relationship and get to know one another - i fear that she has done no work on herself and she doesn't know she is BPD but really is! and i have done work dealing with my life for about 2-3 years now but my counsellor is gone. And i'm scared of how to respond and if i should let her be around me and my family. I sent her a really short and to the point all or nothing eamil that she can visit if she is not negative. but that was still an open door for her. If she comes i don't know what to do in regards to putting my boundaries there.

On my intro post its to remove myself from the room in the middle of her seances if negative or not to my liking. See the thing that is hard is these moms can't handle themselves and i find it so stressing to manage the relationship all the time. At the same time i can't just sit her down and say "look, your mentally ill and need help so we can have a relationship and you can do your part" man that would be nice! But instead i still walk on eggshells just to fit her into my life?

sorry for my rant ... . but can you relate?

[jbtalt6]

Hey Mommasa!

I guess you could give your Mom the benefit of the doubt and give the therapy a try. However, if she gets the hint that the counselor isn't completely "on her side" she may not want to go anymore. My MIL tried counseling, but once she started hearing what she didn't want to, she quit going.

DH and I were "NC" for about 27 years with his parents (MIL is uBPD/NPD) except for a few months here and there when we were back in contact after attempting to reconcile. DH is now LC out of guilt since his parents are over 70 now.

MIL hit DH in the face so hard once that it busted his lip. When confronted, she said she only slapped him but didn't bust his lip. Not a total denial, but a down-play of what actually happened. She also kicked DH in the shin once and fessed up to that one with pride. Sick individual for sure. They do re-write history to their benefit, don't they?

Good luck with what you decide. It's such a tough road.