This is the worst pain I have ever experienced in my life

[cult]

Posted to me (April 2010): All that's holding you together at this point are some fading memories of better times, convenience, a misplaced sense of obligation, and an exaggerated fear of losing the security blanket. Let it go. Tell her it's time to pack.

My reply: At this point I still have reason to believe that we can unite on the common goal of leaving my mother's home and moving on with the plan we had for our lives together.

Chills and tears as I consider the words above. Back then my r/s was just starting to have problems after years of harmony. Like I posted yesterday, this was the moment when my partner stopped mirroring me and began to mirror her sister.  

Since then all my hopes and dreams for this relationship have turned to ashes. We've been out of my mother's house for two years now. In that time we have lived in two apartments. My partner's depression and detachment have gotten worse. There have been long periods where things seemed more or less "normal" but my partner has still not returned to work, except for a three month period last year. Just before she agreed to go back to work (because I insisted on it), we almost broke up. She created a blog. In it she said she wanted to break up with me. I found it, told her she could go, and she recanted everything. Her going back to work was the way we tried to normalize the situation.

I got a new job this year and we moved again, and the cycle repeated itself. We were okay during the summer and fall. Winter came, and with it her birthday. And then, kablam.  I've already gone through the details in numerous other posts. The point being we're back to where we were when I found the blog, and worse. And much worse.

Today is a really bad day for me. I've got nothing to do at work, sitting around bored. She hasn't contacted me once.  She's going to her sister's for three days, today being the first day. I am alone all the time, sitting around and thinking about her constantly, missing her terribly, feeling upset that she isn't contacting me and in general seems not to think of me much anymore.

This pain is absolutely unbearable. This is the worst pain I have ever experienced in my life.  Worse than my father dying. I know I have to let her go but God help me, I cannot do it, I just love her so much. I feel like I am dying. The way I feel right now I would endure anything just to keep her.

[Surnia]

so sorry, cult, and a big, big 

Yes, it hurts. We are here for you!