Almost at the 3 month mark - crying again and expecting contact on bday

[Sango216]

Hi everyone!  I've been away for a little while.  For the most part I've been doing well.  I hope no one takes this the wrong way, but I felt like I didn't really need to get up here as much because I was doing so well moving past everything.  Anyway, I recently did something that I am rather disappointed in.  I spied again and saw that my BPD-ex has still been hanging out with some woman he met over there.

I shouldn't do it.  I know I shouldn't.  It hurts me.  It doesn't bring any good at all.  I have blocked and unblocked him so many times, and he probably doesn't even know.  My friends, they all tell me "Look at it this way.  He isn't thinking about you.  He is moving on."  and that's true, but it hurts so bad.  I am so envious of people who get contacted by their exes even though I shouldn't be.  Heck, I'm the one who broke it off.  I shouldn't want to hear from him, and I shouldn't expect to after all this time.

And my birthday is coming up.  I keep trying to prepare myself and I say ":)on't expect to hear anything.  He probably won't even remember.  If he didn't contact you any other day since you last spoke, what makes you think he'll take the time to do that on your birthday?"  I'm going out with my friends on my birthday so I'm going to be busy and having a good time (hopefully), but I don't want to imagine what it's going to be like when I come home.  It always happens that way.  It's like, no matter how good of a time I have when I'm out and about, when I come home and I am alone with my thoughts, he is there, haunting me.

And now he's giving all of that love and affection that was meant for me to someone else.  I'm pathetic.

[Octoberfest]

Hi,

I have been playing much the same game as you... . I was the one who broke it off, and yet I still find myself hoping for contact. I think it is important however to look at our real motivations for those hopes however. You said something interesting; all that attention that was meant for me is going to someone else. I think this is a key idea. I am trying with the idea that my BPDex is the catalyst, not the source of all of my woes and sadness. I think I associate my feelings of abandonment and betrayal with her,  which is why I have had such a hell of a time getting over her. I had decided early on I didn't want to marry this girl; perhaps I am just immature, but she is carrying way too much baggage for me. That didn't stop me from holding on to an absolutely broken relationship for way longer than I should have though. And those facts lead me to believe that it isn't necessarily her that I miss, it's what she represents. I miss and mourn the loss of the bond that I had with another person,  even if it was only pure and real in my head. She is the only one I have ever dated, so she is the sole experience and representation I have for those feelings. Basically I think that I hope she contacts me again because it would give me validation that I am worth something, that I wasn't super easy to get over,  etc. Its for reasons on my end, not because I want the broken relationship back.

I don't know if any of that speaks to you or not... . But food for thought.

[Discarded26]

Hi,

I have been playing much the same game as you... . I was the one who broke it off, and yet I still find myself hoping for contact. I think it is important however to look at our real motivations for those hopes however. You said something interesting; all that attention that was meant for me is going to someone else. I think this is a key idea. I am trying with the idea that my BPDex is the catalyst, not the source of all of my woes and sadness. I think I associate my feelings of abandonment and betrayal with her,  which is why I have had such a hell of a time getting over her. I had decided early on I didn't want to marry this girl; perhaps I am just immature, but she is carrying way too much baggage for me. That didn't stop me from holding on to an absolutely broken relationship for way longer than I should have though. And those facts lead me to believe that it isn't necessarily her that I miss, it's what she represents. I miss and mourn the loss of the bond that I had with another person,  even if it was only pure and real in my head. She is the only one I have ever dated, so she is the sole experience and representation I have for those feelings. Basically I think that I hope she contacts me again because it would give me validation that I am worth something, that I wasn't super easy to get over,  etc. Its for reasons on my end, not because I want the broken relationship back.

I don't know if any of that speaks to you or not... . But food for thought.

That speaks to me 

[laelle]

Wishing for something that causes you pain is NOT a cure for your pain.

I understand how you feel.  I think its normal to feel that way after a "loaded" relationship with someone who is mentally ill.  If he did contact you... . what then?  Would you bring him back into your life simply because you want to know your value to him?  Its a heavy price to pay.  At least for me it would be.  

Its much better to work on finding your own self worth... . and leaving the bad stuff out of your life.

[Sango216]

Octoberfest:  hat definitely speak to me. Thank you for your response. My ex represented something that I never thought I could have. He made me want to get married, and to move away, and to start a family. Without him, it is difficult to see any of those things becoming real.  I often acknowledge the fact that I have issues with him, and he acknowledged them as well.  He often told me that he accepts me despite my flaws, as if he had none.  I'm worried that no one else would be attracted to me because of how messed up I am.

[bpdspell]

I recently did something that I am rather disappointed in.  I spied again and saw that my BPD-ex has still been hanging out with some woman he met over there. I shouldn't do it.  I know I shouldn't.  It hurts me.  It doesn't bring any good at all.  I have blocked and unblocked him so many times, and he probably doesn't even know.

Don't beat yourself about it. But going No Contact doesn't automatically mean we're doing the internal work of emotionally detaching from our ex's. If we aren't making peace with the fact that they're mentally ill we will still be attached and not accepting of their mental illness.

My friends, they all tell me "Look at it this way.  He isn't thinking about you.  He is moving on."  and that's true, but it hurts so bad.  I am so envious of people who get contacted by their exes even though I shouldn't be.  Heck, I'm the one who broke it off.

I broke it off with my ex too but it doesn't mean that the loss is any less painful. Your friends may want to be helpful but saying that he's moved on nor thinking about you isn't necessarily true. BPD's do not move on; they repress. New supply does not = healed, cured, or a better match for someone else. He's still the same disordered person that you remember him to be so don't forget that.

As for contact... . it is quite common to create a narrative that when they contact us it means that they care and miss us but that isn't quite accurate. Contact from them is nothing to be envious of... . they are sick... . and without serious help they are unchanged. You are longing for validation but once you accept that your ex is mentally ill you will not desire it from him anymore.

And my birthday is coming up.  I keep trying to prepare myself and I say ":)on't expect to hear anything.  He probably won't even remember.  It's like, no matter how good of a time I have when I'm out and about, when I come home and I am alone with my thoughts, he is there, haunting me.

I understand your feelings. You want some sort of validation from him that you still exist in his mind. You are hungry for contact so that you don't feel forgotten. But if you can... . try to shift your focus to the unraveling of your relationship. Think about the lies, the bad behavior, the contortions, the manipulation and the person revealed once the mask was dropped. I know you are missing him but that person is the core of who he is and has not magically disappeared because he's with new supply.

And now he's giving all of that love and affection that was meant for me to someone else.  I'm pathetic.

You aren't pathetic. You're human. But if your ex is truly BPD he is sick and unchanged. It takes time for it to sink in that we fell for a person with a serious mental illness. I know you feel rejected but the more you understand BPD the more you will see that a disordered person will never have the keys to your happiness.

[Sango216]

laelle:  

I know you're right.  Even if he were to contact me, I wouldn't know what to say. I guess I'm just seeking validation.

[laelle]

I get what your saying... . because I have those feelings too sometimes.  Next time I do... . be sure and tell me to straighten up eh? 

[Sango216]

BPDspell":

I thought I had accepted his illness, but apparently I haven't because I still expect him to act like a normal person and feel the same emotions that normal people feel.  I expect him to reach out if he misses me, tell me he's sorry, etc.  But deep down i know that isn't possible.

[Sango216]

Laelle:

Sorry!  That was definitely supposed to say even if he contacts me, not you.  Thanks for responding!

[laelle]

I think they can have similar feelings, but they CANT sustain them.  Where does that leave you?  Never knowing the moment when he will dysregulate and

everything you thought you were building has turned to dust.  Its best to keep away from that and work on yourself.

[bewildered2]

keep in mind that he is crazy. keep in mind that he is very nasty to people he says he loves. keep in mind that the new person will soon be exactly where you are right now. and keep in mind that the new person could easily be here one day on this site saying the same things, feeling the same way, as you are right now.

people with BPD are abusive to the ones they love. simple and sad.

the nice guy act they can put on for a while is not sustainable simply because it is false, not really them. it is just a mask that they wear to convince you that they are nice when they are not.

you left for a good reason. remember why you did that.

i'm sorry that you are feeling badly. i have been there too. believe me when i say that it will get better, and that one day you will see this person for what he really is, and you will be shocked that he got his hooks into you so deeply. 

so keep taking the pain. and every day you manage to stay nc the closer you get to the end of the pain and back to being happy again.

hang in there, we're on this ride with you.

b2 

[bpdspell]

keep in mind that he is crazy. keep in mind that he is very nasty to people he says he loves. keep in mind that the new person will soon be exactly where you are right now. and keep in mind that the new person could easily be here one day on this site saying the same things, feeling the same way, as you are right now.

people with BPD are abusive to the ones they love. simple and sad.

the nice guy act they can put on for a while is not sustainable simply because it is false, not really them. it is just a mask that they wear to convince you that they are nice when they are not.

you left for a good reason. remember why you did that.

i'm sorry that you are feeling badly. i have been there too. believe me when i say that it will get better, and that one day you will see this person for what he really is, and you will be shocked that he got his hooks into you so deeply. 

so keep taking the pain. and every day you manage to stay nc the closer you get to the end of the pain and back to being happy again.

hang in there, we're on this ride with you.

b2 

 

[Sango216]

Bewildered:

Thank you for reminding me of this. When I have these moments, it is as if I don't remember the horrible stuff he said and did.