holiday versus silence treatment

[Silkroad]

I have posted recently about my suspect BPDH giving me the silence treatment, for months(4 actually)

He has lots of holidays to take and i am on maternity leave.

Despite not talking to me, he texts sometimes. The other day was regarding holidays, which he wante d me to book some - he has loads of weeks to take off, but i have do organize it for him.

I love travelling so much, but because of all the drama, i try to avoid it at all costs, but i know deep inside i need to organize sth.

So I emailed him saying that a friend in a coastal area offer for us to stay on her place(very small) but do everything for us (we have a S4 and D4months) to which he only emailed back saying: would you please find some holidays?

I tried another coastal area, researched every detail, as we dont drive (another long story) and sent him prices, location all sorted and got a reply back saying - so its either your friends house or a 6 hours bus journey?

I quickly replied back stating the train would be ony 3 hours 20 min but changing trains 2 times.

He hasnt replied.

Last year we took 2 holidays abroad - 2 weeks in tunisia  (one week was hell but the second was better) and one in Spain(he was amazingly good all the time)

as the previous years i said we would never go anywhere again.

I am so confused. Should i ask to go to my friend's house on my own with the kids?

He doesnt talk, but still wants me to do everything for him. Its so unfair. I am so unhappy.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Chosen]

  Silkroad,

Things seem tough for you right now.  I can't imagine handling a silent treatment for that long! 

Concerning the booking of a holiday, I understand how frustrating that is because I have also gone through something similar lately.  I want to go on holiday later this year, uBPDh says he wants to go on holiday with me, we agreed on some dates, I have taken the week off work, then he raged (which resulted in him leaving him for 2 days) because apparently I was insensitive to have chosen those dates.  He also said no to every single suggestion I made, even though he said everything's fine with him.

I'm sorry you have to go through this, and I'm even sorrier that I have no good advise to give.  What I did eventually is to just say let's not have the discussion (because I sensed that he doesn't want to confirm having a vacation now), so who knows whether we'll eventually be going anywhere.  Is it possible for you to ask him for specifics?  As it seems like nothing fits his perceived ideas.  Do you think he will give answers when asked?

[4now]

Hello,

It could be seen as positive that he wants to go on holiday with you and the kids.  Perhaps he does really want that time together with you.  However, it's not really fair for him to put all planning on you and then not be happy with what you suggest.  Plus, for him to be not communicating much about anything else, just seems unfair. 

What do you want to do?  If you think it's workable to go on holiday with him, you could ask him for suggestions.  Or you could give him some general options and see which one he picks and you could finalize details.  But just to let him sit back and not do anything and then complain about what you do is not fair to you or to him. It's kind of like a spoiled child who has been indulged too much and isn't happy with anything. 

It might help for you to figure out what you want and be more decisive yourself, in regards to where you'd like to go, if you'd like to go, and then tell him what you were thinking and ask if that sounds good to him. If it doesn't sound good to him, you could tell him you're open to suggestions.  If he gives none, you should feel free to make the decision on your own for what you'd like to do. 

Honestly, it's very rare when my h will suggest plans to do something. Usually, it's me who makes plans and tells him what they are.  If it were a holiday, I would consult him, ask opinions, but in general he is very indecisive. 

You can't please someone who doesn't want to be pleased.  If you asked him and tried to nail him down, but he doesn't give you a straight answer, you are left with no choice but to make a choice on your own. 

I hope you have other connections and people you can talk to. Silent treatment is its own special form of abuse.  It drives me nuts, which I'm sure my h knows so he uses it often! It's yucky though.

[Silkroad]

thanks 4now, he is spoiled and difficult to please... . so i decided i didnt want to go anywhere with a baby under 1 year old, mainly because of his instability, and, as he doesnt take his holidays, weeks are pilling up so he needs to take them, so he is putting the pressure on me to get his life sorted. I only recently applied for our new passports, which includes his, (he only signs the paper, doesnt do any of the hard work of collecting the documents, fillinf forms and so on) and of course he complained i was sending it too late... . and he carried on complaining on text for a long time - but he wont talk to me in person, reaching 5 months now.

after our documents arrive i will try and go abroad, and check with him few options, i think the problem at the moment is that he doesnt want to remain in this country, he wants to go abroad.

well, i am still suffering here. But coping day by day... .