i think iv pushed my BPD over the by over reacting

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

After finding out his told my daughter not to tell mommy his skypes his girlfriend because i will get angry. My daughter age 8 told me i wasnt angry he has a right to speak to his girlfriend just was angry he told my daughter to keep secrets. I went over board resigned from work and went about removing him from our live i.e. housing etc. Then i email him to tell him iv resigned so he can make a go of it with his girlfriend and he can come see the children when ever he wants but his not allowed in the home as i used to work weekends and he stayed the weekend to look after the children but now i will be at home. He skyped the children at the normal time after texting "if you dont want me to see the children just say so" to which i smuggly answered " ok i will turn on skype" he spoke the children drink in hand and they said their goodbyes then i get a mess ... . just "sorry!" i texted back "for" no reply i tried calling phone turned off! i panick could he be commiting suicide! i have no idea where he is or who is with im scared tears flowing i call the police who just tell me i need to cut contact rightfully as we have be texting (they were pissed at me)  this whole time until yesterday when i realised i need to stop which i did comfortably. Now im sitting here worried did i push him over the edge?  i added that fuel to his fire when all i want is his happiness if it means being with his lady i accept that because his a great person besides the BPD and he loves his children and they adore him! if his done what i think his done im the fuel that blew that fire because i rushed head long into distancing him using every resourse available. Why! why couldnt i just take a breath and do things slower calmer ? now police and social services are involved he must feel iv taken the children from him the only thing that he loves iv pulled away from him! Just the thought he used our daughter to get to me blinded me to the fact that i would be purposely hurting him and right now i have no idea if his dead or alive im stressed hoping the phone goes and his ok i pray his just cutting me off and starting no contact please let it be that! I assume some of you are thinking i did right but i feel i didnt i hurt him where he hurts most for what ! was there a need to rush so head long into punishing him for trying to find happiness and saying to my daughter to not tell mom is rational as i said i dont want him introducing her to them just yet things need to be sorted i.e. divorce etc kids are small they dont need to know the details just yet. His express on a number of occassions he scared of me as i lose my temper when he messed up. Im scared and worried my children might have lost a father because i could not keep my head together trying to be the strong independent person the bigger person. I sit here tears flowing down my face terrified about what iv done to the father of my children i pray his ok just shutting me out please that be the case please!

[awomanlearning]

After finding out his told my daughter not to tell mommy his skypes his girlfriend because i will get angry. My daughter age 8 told me i wasnt angry he has a right to speak to his girlfriend just was angry he told my daughter to keep secrets. I went over board resigned from work and went about removing him from our live i.e. housing etc. Then i email him to tell him iv resigned so he can make a go of it with his girlfriend and he can come see the children when ever he wants but his not allowed in the home as i used to work weekends and he stayed the weekend to look after the children but now i will be at home. He skyped the children at the normal time after texting "if you dont want me to see the children just say so" to which i smuggly answered " ok i will turn on skype" he spoke the children drink in hand and they said their goodbyes then i get a mess ... . just "sorry!" i texted back "for" no reply i tried calling phone turned off! i panick could he be commiting suicide! i have no idea where he is or who is with im scared tears flowing i call the police who just tell me i need to cut contact rightfully as we have be texting (they were pissed at me)  this whole time until yesterday when i realised i need to stop which i did comfortably. Now im sitting here worried did i push him over the edge?  i added that fuel to his fire when all i want is his happiness if it means being with his lady i accept that because his a great person besides the BPD and he loves his children and they adore him! if his done what i think his done im the fuel that blew that fire because i rushed head long into distancing him using every resourse available. Why! why couldnt i just take a breath and do things slower calmer ? now police and social services are involved he must feel iv taken the children from him the only thing that he loves iv pulled away from him! Just the thought he used our daughter to get to me blinded me to the fact that i would be purposely hurting him and right now i have no idea if his dead or alive im stressed hoping the phone goes and his ok i pray his just cutting me off and starting no contact please let it be that! I assume some of you are thinking i did right but i feel i didnt i hurt him where he hurts most for what ! was there a need to rush so head long into punishing him for trying to find happiness and saying to my daughter to not tell mom is rational as i said i dont want him introducing her to them just yet things need to be sorted i.e. divorce etc kids are small they dont need to know the details just yet. His express on a number of occassions he scared of me as i lose my temper when he messed up. Im scared and worried my children might have lost a father because i could not keep my head together trying to be the strong independent person the bigger person. I sit here tears flowing down my face terrified about what iv done to the father of my children i pray his ok just shutting me out please that be the case please!

[marbleloser]

I don't think you were wrong for being mad about the secret.Our children have accidentally let things slip out that their mom told them not to tell me.

The sad part is,the children feel bad for letting it slip out.Like they've betrayed their parent,when in reality,children shouldn't have that burden on them.

As for your H,I think you're projecting this on him.In your mind,you think he's commited,or attempting to commit,suicide.I think you're going through a very

stressful situation right now,judging by the way you're posting and projecting.You believe he's actually going to do this,and that you are the cause of that.I think you've been so traumatized in the past that your mind is in hyper alert mode.It's a dangerous place to be.Your mind is a delicate thing and it can snap when under such stress.I've been there.

I think your H meant "sorry!" for letting your daughter know about the gf or for you finding out.I don't think it was meant as a final goodbye.

Take good care of yourself right now bronerin.You have a daughter depending on you.You need to take time to breathe,relax,and get your thoughts together.

You sound like you're suffering from PTSD,just going by your post.

[awomanlearning]

I have not told him that our daughter has told me as that was her request i will always put the children first. She is very bright. I know you right about everything i need to seek help to find me as soon as possible! He texted this morning saying his cant call his with the doctor i pray he is and not lying. The love i have for him is drained im drained all i stress about is him killing himself because that would be a huge lose to my children. I am going to start non contact, by being at home now there is no need for us to even lay eyes on each other besides occassions where the kids are involved i.e. daughters birthday next week. I know he has a illness but i cant grasp that its ruling his every thought iv see the real him on many occassions so i know he can and has clarity moments hoping that his not to far gone. Just thought what the hell am i doing i talking about him where the hell is me! I need to stop this self distructive behaviour and save me! This is so difficult anything you guys can add that can get me back to me would be amazing going to search the site for everything for me just me! Im so filled with anger that needs to go fast life is to wonderful to be stuck here i refuse!

[marbleloser]

"iv see the real him on many occassions so i know he can and has clarity moments hoping that his not to far gone"

It's all him.There is no "real" him other than the bad,along with the good.Which one outweighs the other?

"Im so filled with anger that needs to go fast life is to wonderful to be stuck here i refuse!"

There's nothing wrong with anger.Anger can be very useful in detaching.It doesn't mean you have to kick the walls,throw things,etc.,,Just acknowledge that you're angry and it's ok.You have a right to be.You have a right to be sad when you want as well.Go through each emotion instead of pushing it to the side.

"anything you guys can add that can get me back to me would be amazing "

You'll get back to being you in time.Right now,just focus on taking care of yourself,eating healthy,getting plenty of rest,and exercise.Even if it's just a walk.

[awomanlearning]

Thank you for that i really dont know where my head is at just found out he did try to commit suicide and is in hospital on 24 hours watch! The moment i heard i was filled with rage and anger because of his selfish behavour. Iv experienced his suicide attempts many time they were all half hearted and a cry for help.   Once he took headache pills when i had 4 packs of insulin in the frigde! if he was going to kill himself wont he have take that instead? But its not my problem anymore but im angry really angry! the selfish nature displayed just his attention seeking behaviour comes out i might be wrong but that is what im seeing from this disgussing behaviour this is my opinion!

He has two amazing children and worship the ground he walks on and i know his mentality isnt great but why should they suffer! He has not informed me his in hospital instead texted a friend did say in a text he cant call busy with doctors that was my relief text at 9am this morning when i was just bearly holding myself together and was breaking down infront of a friend because of the stress of not knowing if his dead or alive and  after a sleepless night after the "sorry!" text which i knew was his "goodbye". Had the police here the night before who where annoyed at this stupid woman who was besides herself over a man that left the family home seemed to think i wanted him back instead of concern for the father of my two children. I know its his decision its not on me if he decieded to end it i know i know i know BUT his a person inside that trauma alone and scared how do i detatch from a human being that hurts to such a degree that his children who adore him mean nothing how do you just watch such pain destroy another human being and sit back and say its his/her problem and not lift a finger? I seen the advice to just walk away dont look back it their lives but as people ourselve dealing with such trauma they put us through is it right to just sit back and watch as death engulf them in the believe that they will see the light or do we try to do something even if its from afar? If we saw a person walking in to traffic do we watch or react to pull them back and we dont know them yet with BPD's we have to walk away and allow distruction to happen sorry but that makes no sense me these a people living breathing souls how can we all just walk away?

[marbleloser]

I'm sorry bronerin.Do you know for sure he's in the hospital? (Just in case.I've seen behavior like this.)

I agree.Suicide is very selfish.It leaves everyone in shambles.Two friends of mine did that a few months ago.One left two young children of her own.

I'm so sorry for your children as well.They are definately the one's that suffer.

As far as walking away,I'd say that's the best thing also.You can't stop him if he really wants to do this.You can't talk or love him out of it.I can't explain it,but people who get in this state just can't be reasoned with and when they're ready,it happens fast.If you stick around,you'll be drug down along with himself.

You have kids that need you.

Then,the one's left behind are left wondering what they should have done,could have done,if only and what if.

You seem to be in a better place today bronerin,judging by your post.I'm sorry I missed it earlier.Do you have a T that you can talk to? How are things tonight with you and the kids?

[awomanlearning]

Yes he was in hospital but his back at his girlfriends house. His family in south africa now know what has happened because i was forced to explain after being painted black who knows they might talk him round but he has issues with his mother so im guessing bad situation made worse. He still lying told my daughter yesterday his been studying all day for a customer service job while in the hospital they allowed him to skpye her, today told me his studing for business and admin course o well we know they lie why is beyond me but who am i to ask.

Talking about all the pain his going through because of the situation he created he left his family he found a replacement of me, by the way she is just like me according to him thats why he fell in love with me i reminded him of her. They dated when he was 17. Anyways his alive today said he might not make it to his daughters birthday, hinting he might be dead, didnt know what to say to that so i changed the subject.

I dont know what tomorrow will bring who knows what is going on is his head i know his terrified because his world is changing but that isnt anyones doing but his own as long as he stays alive the rest of his life he can do what he wants that is no concern to me. All i got to concentrate on is protecting the children and living off uk benifits for the first time hearing such horror stories of battling through on very little but im a survivor i will do this and im returning to uni so there is light at the end of the tunnel financially thats my goal qualify and support my children his life is his to do as he pleases.

Iv sort help as far as therapy goes god knows i need it to be there for my children and to live again.